You whole story is tragic, and I really wonder who started that 'attack' on you back with your second chapter.
The person you later spoke to at the National Office is Judy Mitchell, our Director of Chapter Services. If there was ANY problem with your membership, she would most likely have been the person to have dealt with it. She was obviously not involved with that attempt to 'de-member' you, so have to wonder who was behind it. (I doubt anyone in the National Office...)
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the national by-laws were very unclear about the intentions of the category.
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Oh? I figured it was pretty clear when I read it. Here is what it said in my copy of the 97 Nat Bylaws, when I joined: "In order to grant membership the chapter shall first obtain the written authorization of the National Membership & Extension Committee" (did your chapter do that? This MAY have been the basis for the claim you were never approved. HOWEVER, as you received a card/shingle, etc, you're a Brother. So unless someone was going to try to remove you from membership, its too late.). "Such authorization may be given for up to four students from an institution without a chapter. Upon the application of a fifth student for extension membership, these student must form a Petitioning Group at the institution without a chapter". Gee, sounds real clear to me that this is a means to jump start a chapter by getting 5 Brothers on that campus to form the nucleus of a chapter. Further, "Extension members shall have all rights and privileges and responsibilities of active members of the chapter until a chapter is established at their institution". Thus these Extension Members can't be treated like 'second class citizens' in their initating chapter.