living together before marriage: opinions?

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by nittanyalum

^--This is definitely the most common argument you hear about not moving in with someone. I won't dispute it because everyone deals with conflict differently. But as someone said previously, I would rather break up with a boyfriend/fiance than get divorced. (but I do totally respect those that make a decision based on personal values, that's a whole 'nother set of factors that can't -- or shouldn't -- be argued with)

The "we know we're getting married why are we paying 2 rents and cable bills" is one of the more common arguments for those that do move in. And I think it often comes down to where you are in your relationship. That's where hubby & I were, and honestly, I did want to "kick the tires" a bit to see how our living styles/money styles, etc., all would blend. Thus I am of the mindset of the post below:

Indeed, as I said I've toyed with it myself, and even though it's not right for me right now, I'm not sure where I'll be in a year or two when I'm done with my degree.

[APhi Sailorgirl]

I moved in with my boyfriend, now fiance after being together for 6 months. Basically it worked out for us because I moved to another state to be with him and he figured it was easier for us to live together than be together all the time with double the expenses. For me, it was more about strengthening the relationship than assuming marriage was on its way. We had been doing long distance until then, so the learning curve was high for us.

I don't regret it at all (and of course we're engaged now too!), but more than that we were able to learn about each other's little things and work on our relationship. We have been honest with each other throughout and that has helped us work through living together.

Plus I agree with people, you have to know the parameters before you just move-in. You can't assume anything and always protect yourself, especially financially. I've seen friends move in with guys, give up their lives basically and have it all collapse.

[PhoenixAzul]

My fiance and I do not live together and have no plans to live together until after the wedding, when we'll be moving to the UK.

We've been together for 6 years, been engaged since March, and we're enjoying being engaged. I don't feel that I have to "test drive" our relationship...I've known him long enough to know most of his quirks. In addition, living together might prevent us from having a fully recognized marriage in the Catholic church like we intend to (lemme 'splain: the church feels that living together before you're married is a "Trial marriage" and premarital sex, not trusting each other/god, bla blah blah, extra hoops, etc. etc.) I don't necessarily agree with that assessment, especially since my brother and his future wife moved in together shortly before they got engaged and it was purely an economic decision, and it worked out great for them. But they don't have to deal with the church. I'd really rather this whole thing go as smoothly as possible.

In addition...the opportunity never presented itself. I've been in school since the beginning of our relationship, and been living in another town or country than him for most of that. It just didn't make sense for us to do it.

Getting our own flat, our own furniture, our own stuff is really exciting. It will be "OURS", our first investment as husband and wife. And I think that's kind of a great adventure we'll get to have together.

[AlphaFrog]

I guess you could say that my husband and I did the moving in together in stages. First, I was living in a house with a roommate, and he would come over all the time. He pretty much went home to change clothes and shower. Then, I moved to an apartment by myself that was down the hall from his apartment that he shared with his brother. Then, we moved into a house together. Then, we moved down to NC - we stayed with my parents for a month and a half while we house-hunted, got married, and moved into the house we're in right now. I didn't have it in my mind that I was going to live with someone before we got married, it just happened that way.

[LeslieAGD]

My now-husband and I got engaged in December '04, we moved in together in February '05, and got married in July '06.
I think by living together, we experienced all of each others quirks and got used to really being together before we were married.
IMO, if you are engaged or in a very serious relationship, it is beneficial to live together first to make sure you can put up with one another long term.

[SthrnZeta]

I've never lived with a boyfriend and me and my boyfriend moved in together about two months ago, after having only dated 3 months. I know, sounds crazy. I was having horrible roommate issues (we had just renewed our lease, then she got pregnant and wanted her own place and we argued over who was going to pay the fee to break our lease - in the end she did) so I moved in with him. We both knew it would be temporary since he was only in Augusta for a class, but there was a possibility he may have been picked up for another class that would have kept him here until August 08 (Army stuff). Unfortunately, that didn't happen. But in the meantime of living together we've grown a lot closer and figured out our roles (he cooks and does the dishes, I vacuum and clean the bathrooms, we both take out trash, and I take care of the pets since I brought them) and it's worked out really well. So well, that we are buying a house together since he's wanted to start investing in property for a while now anyway and I'll live in it while he's deployed and then wherever he ends up after, we'll both move there and buy a new house and rent this one out. My parents always told me they thought it would be better to live with a guy before I marry him. Now, we're not engaged (yet) but we have discussed it a couple of times so we'll see....

BTW, we close on the new house tomorrow morning! AAH! And I'm still running around getting paperwork together (I'm in real estate and since I'm not licensed yet, the agent I work for is handling it but I'm doing most of the work).

[DSTCHAOS]

I don't do cohabitation. We figure a lot of stuff out without it.

[skylark]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

I won't be doing it until there's a ring on my finger and wedding plans are underway.

I agree with this for me personally. The only man I lived with was my husband, and that was after we had become engaged. I don't think it was really to "test" anything because the bumps in the road would have been there before or after the ceremony and I think we were just as committed to eachother once we were engaged as we were after the ceremony. We moved in together for my summers & december break during law school because I had a 12-month lease where my law school was and I needed a place to live in his area... our only time together besides the every-other-weekend visits while classes were in session.

Before being engaged, I don't think it would have worked as well. Without that knowledge that the other person isn't going to say "enough" after a big fight, it just isn't the same. It isn't as honest, I guess, and there's just a whole lot more game playing that goes along with the whole "will we or won't we get married" mentality. I guess if you're not interested in getting married, living together probably can't hurt.

What was actually the most beneficial thing for us was that before I moved in, my husband (then boyfriend) had a roommate for about a year. He is an only child and had never lived with anyone but his parents (and had been living by himself for a few years). His roommate made him quite a bit less anal about things being done HIS way and more tolerant of all the little things that people do that can be annoying. He also realized that (shocker!) he actually did a couple things that bothered others! When I finally moved in instead... I was kind of a breath of fresh air, I think. Plus, of course, I cook a lot better than his roommate.

[KSUViolet06]

My sentiments about living together are similar to PhoenixAzul's.

If you live together, what happens when you get married? Nothing. Everything's the same (unless you're relocating afterwards). You go on your honeymoon, you come home, you go back to work. I want to have the experience of moving into "our first place" after marriage.

Also, the "test run" argument: if you are spending enough time together and asking enough questions, you'll find out about every little "quirk" he has. You can find that stuff out without living with someone.

I'm also deterred with the SHEER NUMBER of girls I know who have been "totally in love" who move in together because they're "totally just going to get married eventually anyway." They give up everything, have no financial security, and then have it go bad and they have nothing. I couldn't deal with that.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by LeslieAGD

I think by living together, we experienced all of each others quirks and got used to really being together before we were married.
IMO, if you are engaged or in a very serious relationship, it is beneficial to live together first to make sure you can put up with one another long term.

I think this is a common view, and one that seems reasonable.

But every study I have ever seen says that couples who live together prior to marriage are statistically more likely to divorce than those who do not. For what that's worth. (And I don't know that I've seen any statistics for couples that move in together while engages vs. those who move in together with no specific marriage plans.)

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

But every study I have ever seen says that couples who live together prior to marriage are statistically more likely to divorce than those who do not. For what that's worth. (And I don't know that I've seen any statistics for couples that move in together while engages vs. those who move in together with no specific marriage plans.)

I'm sure you realize this, but I have a feeling that the statistics have less to do with the actual act of moving in together, and more to do with the values, expectations, and attitudes of those who move in together.

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

But every study I have ever seen says that couples who live together prior to marriage are statistically more likely to divorce than those who do not. For what that's worth. (And I don't know that I've seen any statistics for couples that move in together while engages vs. those who move in together with no specific marriage plans.)

There are myriad problems with these studies, mostly because the correlation is about as far from the causation as you can get - and ironically, everything I've read is about the opposite of Drole's point, in that those who don't live together are also those philosophically opposed to divorce, or determined to "fight through" when others might feel a split is the best option.

However, I think Drole is exactly right in the YMMV portion - really, most opinions here are based on anecdotes, single personal experiences or remembering really good/bad things that happened to one or two people (selection bias). I don't think either solution is better than the other in general, and unfortunately I'm not sure there is a good way to tell which camp you'll be in until far after the point where you make a decision.

Personally, I think I would prefer to live with someone - I would doubt that it would occlude my desire to marry that individual because we're "practically married" and I feel like any smart scientist would prefer a test run. I'd like to know that person can handle space issues without resorting to an entirely different building, and I would prefer to get any money issues sorted out while the accounts are still split (or kids are involved), among other things. I also can't think of one good reason why couples that live together first would divorce any more than those who do not other than personal issues, at least not at the rate studies suggest - however, the studies are there, and I can completely understand why others would not, and I could also see myself adding to the statistic should things go wrong.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

There are myriad problems with these studies, mostly because the correlation is about as far from the causation as you can get - and ironically, everything I've read is about the opposite of Drole's point, in that those who don't live together are also those philosophically opposed to divorce, or determined to "fight through" when others might feel a split is the best option.

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I'm sure you realize this, but I have a feeling that the statistics have less to do with the actual act of moving in together, and more to do with the values, expectations, and attitudes of those who move in together.

I'm just trying to make sure I'm reading your post right - we're pretty much saying the same thing here, right?

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I'm sure you realize this, but I have a feeling that the statistics have less to do with the actual act of moving in together, and more to do with the values, expectations, and attitudes of those who move in together.

Without question. I haven't seen a study that really examines "why" -- just that the bald statistic is that marriages where the couple lived together prior to marriage or more likely to end in divorce than those where the couple did not live together. Personally, I have a suspicion that KSig is right:

Originally Posted by KSig RC

There are myriad problems with these studies, mostly because the correlation is about as far from the causation as you can get - and ironically, everything I've read is about the opposite of Drole's point, in that those who don't live together are also those philosophically opposed to divorce, or determined to "fight through" when others might feel a split is the best option.

As to this:

I also can't think of one good reason why couples that live together first would divorce any more than those who do not other than personal issues, at least not at the rate studies suggest . . . .

the one other hypothesis I have heard is that couples who live together before marriage may carry over from the cohabitation into the marriage a feeling of "well, one of us can just move out if it gets to that." Granted, that may be very close if not connected to the personal issues you mention.

[aephi alum]

I lived with my husband for two years before we were married. We'd been engaged for a few months before we moved into our new apartment together.

My uber-Catholic father was less than thrilled - but it's my life, not his.

A friend of mine got around her own uber-Catholic father's disapproval by "living" in the dorms while really living in an off-campus apartment with her fiance (now husband - they've been married nearly 10 years). Her father thought she was a sweet innocent Catholic girl not living in sin; she got to live with her fiance and have a place to crash on campus if she needed it; and her "roommate" essentially had a huge single. Win-win-win.

I recommend living together before marriage, but only if you really think your relationship is headed toward marriage or a similar long-term commitment. Don't do it if your relationship is rocky.