Married women can't join sororities???

[marriedPNM]

First, let me apologize for bumping up such an old thread! I did not want to create a new one as I know how irritating it is to rehash already discussed topics.

However, I have some specific questions regarding this thread and some other posts I saw around the site:

Why is it such a large issue if a PNM is married? I saw a lot of posts in a thread regarding a potential issue of a pregnant girl coming through that also reflected ideas concerning married girls and quite frankly, it bothered me. Young married women, without children, are entirely capable of contributing to a chapter successfully!

How should a PNM approach this issue during formal recruitment without sounding peculiar, too rehearsed, or being inappropriate?

How can a PNM offset any negativity associated with this apparent stigma?

Since this messageboard is comprised of members across the country, how does your region, campus, alma mater react to married PNMs? I am specifically interested in the south. I would reveal the state, but discretion is key and I do not want to run the risk of harming my recruitment chances.

I have already checked with my greek life office and there are no rules against it. I have also secured a recommendation to each house, have a high college GPA, involved with numerous activities, I have great hair , and I am getting the impression that all of those things just won't matter because I'm married. I would like hearing some of your opinions and thoughts on the situation in general (since it has been awhile!) and maybe some advice regarding mine.

Thank you for your time ladies and gentlemen.

[JohnsDGsweethrt]

I don't think dg has any rules against it. I think once you're married you have the option of taking alumnae status but I don't think its required.

[AGDee]

It will really vary by campus. On a more non-traditional campus, it will probably be more accepted but there are some possible inherent barriers:
1) In many groups, you have the option of the alumna status when you get married as a collegian (some may require it), so there could be an issue with retention of membership. Collegiate chapters are limited in how many women that they can take, so they are going to be more likely to take women who are more likely to stay active in the chapter for 4 years. A married woman could choose to go alumna at any time. This is also why sophomores and juniors at some schools have fewer options for sorority membership...chapters are looking for women who can contribute for 4 years to provide stability and consistency in a chapter.
2) If there is a house, members are expected to live in the house at some point during their sorority membership. Obviously, a married woman isn't going to live in a sorority house, so she becomes a less desirable choice if there are problems with keeping a house filled.
3) Concerns about priorities/time committments. While all sororities put family, school and work (to a degree) above the sorority, most members are college students who have few family committments because they are living away at school, a member who is married is more likely to have family committments that will take away from the time and energy that she can put into the chapter.
4) A married woman is probably less likely to engage in the social aspect of the sorority (like Fraternity mixers). If a chapter had a large number of married women, this could be a hindrance in which fraternities would have mixers with them because the number of women attending such functions would decrease.


On a more urban commuter campus (like Wayne State University in Detroit) where a lot of the students are non-traditoinal, it's less of an issue, but those are some of the reasons that chapters would be hesitant. I'm sure there have been married members who had very supportive husbands and who contributed strongly to a chapter, just as there have been members with a child who handled it all, it's just more rare and probably more of a challenge for those members.

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by AlphaChiGirl

A twist--what about an collegiate who gets pregnant (unmarried or not)?

We've had it and not had a problem. My great great grand big was pregnant when she was going through her NM semester and my great grand big has a son that she had before her NM semester and there were never any problems with either one of them putting in time and commitment and being at events. In fact, my great great grand big was one of the most invovled sisters.

I don't think that SDT has a policy against married women.

[CarolinaCutie]

It honestly depends on the competitiveness of the recruitment and the attitude of the chapter. If it's a highly competitive recruitment, I would think that the general idea would be, "Yeah she's A, B, and C, but we have lots of girls who are A, B, and C who are NOT married." However, I don't think the majority of recruitments work this way.

The chapter may have misconceptions about married sisters, including that you may not want to fully participate in the social aspects of the sorority, that you may not have time to dedicate to their operations and functions, or that you are weird because you are married and want to join a sorority. (LOL I didn't say I believed any of those, just putting it out there.) So I would think that what you would need to do, during recruitment conversations, is do what you can to squelch those misconceptions.

At an appropriate moment in the conversation, you could mention your marriage, and then state that even though you are married, you still have lots of free time, you are still young and like to have lots of fun, you are looking for a way to get involved in college and take on leadership positions, your husband is really cool and likes to have fun also... you know, whatever you think might be viewed as a potential drawback for you. No overkill- just mentioning it will hopefully do the trick. Some scrutinizing rushers may have more questions, and I'm sure you can answer those affirmatively, further demonstrating that you would be an asset to the org. Of course, some rushers will probably just smile and say "yeah" and change the subject. But in the end, that's all you can do! (just being your own non-weird self should get rid of that last misconception!)

I had a sister who was engaged when she pledged and got married in the middle of her new member semester- she also got pregnant and had a baby while she was on the Exec board. She added so much to the chapter and I would hate if we had overlooked her for silly reasons.

[tld221]

a member is a member is a member. if you are down for the cause, you make time for it. single, engaged, or married, traditional, non-traditional. obviously, life happens too - no one is saying "you=XYZ, 24/7."

unless, at the ultra-competitive schools, that is how it is - you eat, breath and sh*t XYZ? someone be honest and say, "yes, my school is kinda like that" because i would imagine at a school where greek life is the law, there are chapters that are 24/7 on their grind and perhaps it wouldnt make sense to initiate someone who has other things in their life (ie. a husband, kids, their work/career even, if they run a business, or a full time athlete/traveller? caring for some other family member, etc) because chances are, they would almost never put the sorority first.

[marriedPNM]

I guess it just doesn't make sense to me when people say something like "Well, SusiePNM is married and would not have time for the sorority... because she's married." I have no idea why that rubs me the wrong way, maybe because that sentiment reflects some archaic idea of a where women should belong in the world. I am married and I am incredibly active on campus, not once has someone questioned my ability to particpate in XYZ organization because of something as insignificant as marriage.

I am pretty much boggled at this concept that I may get rejected for something so dumb, when I know for a fact I would be a dedicated sister.

If you do not mind indulging me a bit more, please keep the comments coming. Thank you!

[dgdramadawg]

Originally Posted by tld221

unless, at the ultra-competitive schools, that is how it is - you eat, breath and sh*t XYZ? someone be honest and say, "yes, my school is kinda like that" because i would imagine at a school where greek life is the law, there are chapters that are 24/7 on their grind and perhaps it wouldnt make sense to initiate someone who has other things in their life (ie. a husband, kids, their work/career even, if they run a business, or a full time athlete/traveller? caring for some other family member, etc) because chances are, they would almost never put the sorority first.

At my school, there are chapters like that. There are also chapters that aren't. That's the nice thing about having 18... they all have different time commitments required.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by marriedPNM

Since this messageboard is comprised of members across the country, how does your region, campus, alma mater react to married PNMs? I am specifically interested in the south. I would reveal the state, but discretion is key and I do not want to run the risk of harming my recruitment chances.

My alma mater is one of the larger state schools in OH.
Some chapters there have given bids to engaged or married girls before.

Usually if a girl came through with a ring on that finger, we all knew she was married/engaged. Most of them indicated it on their rush applications (they're Mrs. instead Ms). So they didn't really have to tell us and we didn't make a big thing out of it.

[SoCalGirl]

I don't think marriage is insignificant or dumb. Which is why I would (actually did) take pause when a maried rushee came through.

[marriedPNM]

Originally Posted by SoCalGirl

I don't think marriage is insignificant or dumb. Which is why I would (actually did) take pause when a maried rushee came through.

I did not mean marriage itself is dumb, just that it is a dumb reason to not consider someone as a quality PNM.

[UGAalum94]

I think being married would affect a PNM's recruitment experience at highly competitive SEC campuses. Perhaps it shouldn't, but being married would set the PNM apart from most of the 18 year-old first year students who are rushing, and it itself will fall into that nebulous area of "fit" for a chapter.

Anything that puts you outside of the typical new member demographic may be a risk that the chapter doesn't want to fool with.

I'm not trying to say that it should have this effect, but I'm afraid it would have that effect.

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by marriedPNM

I did not mean marriage itself is dumb, just that it is a dumb reason to not consider someone as a quality PNM.

I respect your point, but actually marriage would be a really sticky situation on certain campuses and a perfectly valid reason to give pause in considering an otherwise great PNM.

As a general rule of thumb, campus culture is going to be reflected in the Greek system. If you attend a school with a high proportion of married/older/otherwise nontrad. women, you're probably going to see chapters with a large number of these women as well. However, it's likely going to be a very different scenario if you attend a school where like 99% of undergrads are 18-23 and unmarried.

Here's the deal, and please bear with me as this isn't personal. My campus -- and Greek system -- was highly traditional as are many campuses in the South. The entire time I was there I only encountered TWO nontraditional (i.e. married) students, and neither were interested in sororities. Greek life, at my school, was highly structured around a "typical" student -- the events, meetings, activities, philanthropy were often scheduled starting in the early evenings and potentially going late at night. This kind of schedule is incredibly intense during your new member period.

So if I'm a nineteen year old member of a sorority, and I meet a married woman coming through recruitment, red flags are going to go up all over the place: "Is she going to be able to commit to activities that last all night when she has a husband at home? Is she going to be able to participate in weekend activities or is she going to have take care of household business? What if she decides to have a baby and drops out of the sorority? Is she going to make time to hang out at the chapter house sans husband? Will she tell her husband our ritual? I barely had time for anything else during my new member period -- let alone a husband, so how is this going to work?" etc. etc.

Please note that I don't have these ingrained notions about married women (I'm getting married myself, as it were), so I'll reiterate that this is nothing personal against you and I'm sure you're serious when you say you'd be a great member of a sorority. Honestly, though, it's all about the actives' perception of your committment ability. You can talk until you're blue in the face but still be seen as a committment risk. For the same reason that highly competitive chapters wouldn't bid ANYONE they saw as a committment risk, you might run into some problems.

And AlphaGamUGA has a point. As much as I dislike this mode of thinking, we have to look at the average college freshman or sophomore woman. If you're the only married woman they've ever really encountered at their school, they're going to have a knee-jerk reaction to it: "She's married? I don't know anyone else that's married and my age. That's so foreign to me, I can't relate to that. She's so different. That's so weird."

Immature? Yeah. Reality? Yeah.

But -- and this is my party line to anyone in a sticky recruitment situation -- you'll never really know until you try. Nobody knows what your campus is, and we could be totally wrong even though it's located in The South. If you can be comfortable with the fact that your marital status might, MIGHT be detrimental, then by all means -- go through recruitment. At the very least, you'll have some fun and meet some new people.