What to tell a girl who didn't get a bid

[PeppyGPhiB]

Ick. I'll ignore your spelling mistakes/word choices for now and address what i think is the real problem: this whole idea of publishing a booklet on "how to get in" and then rubbing it in girls' noses when they don't get a bid is tacky. I take it you're a local, because I can't imagine any NPC sorority would do something like this.

The last thing a woman wants to do when she finds out she didn't get a bid is read a list of reasons why, or accept any of the blame for not getting one, as if she's done something wrong not to gain the chapter's praise.

I suggest you drop the "how to join" tips (other than talking about recruitment in general terms) and the "If you didn't get a bid" section especially.

actually, the how to join section isn't about tips. it's about the process. for example step one is participating in recruitment, and step two is accepting a bid and getting your new member pin. and a lot of girls have found it helpful because at my school most girls don't come to college knowing everything about sororities and greek life in general. everything in the booklet is questions that we have been asked in the past and things on our website like the history of our chapter and what our philanthropies are. it's not like I'm telling the girls how to act and what shoes to wear. if you notice i said the booklet is about the sorority and how to join, not "how to get in."

and i don't plan on rubbing it in the face of girls who didn't get a bid. i'm going to give this "insert" to the members of my sorority in case this girl approaches one of them and asks why she didn't get a bid. and i'm sure she will because she already made a face book note about it. i don't want the members of the sorority put in an awkward spot in which they do not know what to say. my school is so small many girls see her at least once a day and have classes with her. almost all of the members of my sorority thought this was a good idea. this way they either know what to say to her or they can give this insert to her.

thanks for answering my question.

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by jessicaelaine

actually, the how to join section isn't about tips. it's about the process. for example step one is participating in recruitment, and step two is accepting a bid and getting your new member pin. and a lot of girls have found it helpful because at my school most girls don't come to college knowing everything about sororities and greek life in general. everything in the booklet is questions that we have been asked in the past and things on our website like the history of our chapter and what our philanthropies are. it's not like I'm telling the girls how to act and what shoes to wear. if you notice i said the booklet is about the sorority and how to join, not "how to get in."

and i don't plan on rubbing it in the face of girls who didn't get a bid. i'm going to give this "insert" to the members of my sorority in case this girl approaches one of them and asks why she didn't get a bid. and i'm sure she will because she already made a face book note about it. i don't want the members of the sorority put in an awkward spot in which they do not know what to say. my school is so small many girls see her at least once a day and have classes with her. almost all of the members of my sorority thought this was a good idea. this way they either know what to say to her or they can give this insert to her.

thanks for answering my question.

Umm, couldn't your slip of paper possibly conflict with some NPC rules? Like that membership selection is private? I'm sure there's probably no rule against saying to a PNM "I'm really sorry, it's always very difficult for sororities to make these decisions and it's not always an easy one for us" and leave it at that. If you say stuff about how they may have not let their true personalities shine through or that they might have not met enough women, this could get really, really sticky. And if I can be perfectly honest, I think if I were a disappointed PNM it could come across as condescending. I know that's not the intention but that's how it would rub off.

I think it's probably a good idea to just coach your chapter members to say something really vague so you don't get in trouble. And run anything by your Greek advisor before you do anything so you don't get in trouble with your panhel or your HQs.

Um, no offense but if I were a bidless PNM and someone told me what you just wrote, I'd feel even more like shit.

When you have time, try to go through the recruitment threads in this forum -- and pick out the ones where things didn't really go well in the end for the PNM. Lots of GCers have offered their advice/words of comfort to PNMs who didn't get a bid. Maybe you can pick up a few things from those threads.

[alum]

Wouldn't what you have essentially said be more appropriately said by the Rho Chi?

Originally Posted by OTW

Um, no offense but if I were a bidless PNM and someone told me what you just wrote, I'd feel even more like shit.

When you have time, try to go through the recruitment threads in this forum -- and pick out the ones where things didn't really go well in the end for the PNM. Lots of GCers have offered their advice/words of comfort to PNMs who didn't get a bid. Maybe you can pick up a few things from those threads.

no kidding, thats why i posted this. because i need advice about giving advice. i can't exactly offer comforting words to a girl i don't like. and looking at how the votes went for her, neither will many other girls in my sorority. am i supposed to tell her "well, you cheated on your boyfriend with the boyfriend of one of our sisters who then broke up with that sister for you. you're also fake and hyprocritcal and change your personality and opinion depending on who you talk to." i'm telling you i know for sure this girl is going to approch one of us, so not telling her anything is not an option. thanks for your help.

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by jessicaelaine

i can't exactly offer comforting words to a girl i don't like.

Then don't. There's no reason why you should provide her with information related to why she didn't get in. She probably knows anyway. I mean, don'tcha think she realizes she hooked up with a guy who was dating a sister?

You don't have to comfort her. You don't have to find a nice way to tell her why she was released. If you try to do either one of those, you'll come across as giving lip service. Same goes for anyone else in the chapter whom she might approach.

As others have said, simply tell her that you cannot discuss membership selection and leave it at that. Like I said before, she probably knows anyway.

[ladygreek]

Wow, I guess I am just a little surprised at the need to explain anything at all. Membership in any of our orgs. is a privilege, not a right. Some folx fit in, others don't.

Now with the scenario described about the boyfriend it sounds like you feel the need to do damage control. But very honestly, she also should have realized that she wouldn't exactly be welcomed in that sorority.

I say let it go. As long as your chapter followed whatever your rules are for selection so be it.

[Symbal]

I highly agree with the opinion that the Office on Greek Life should have some sort of support for girls who didn't get a bid, as a bidless woman myself.

It shatters you, and when I was dropped the night before pref, I was called twice by my rho chi so I "understood" that I was not invited back. (It stung and I was highly upset that she called two times to make sure I 'understood' that I didn't get any invites, and I felt it was highly innapropriate. She offered no other comfort than that. Turns out she had done more wrong to me than that, but I digress.) After that, heartbroken, the Greek System abandoned me. You truly feel that you've been put through the system, giving it your all, and it spit you out. Perhaps have a couple rho chis who could offer a shoulder for a few days after. It may be a bit much to ask, but being completely abandoned by a system you wanted to be apart of hurts very much.

[PeppyGPhiB]

As a former Rho Chi (twice!) myself, I can't imagine how hard it must be to tell women in your rush group that they've been released from recruitment or didn't get a bid. Especially if they've done the best they could and maximized their opportunities. It happens so rarely that I probably would opt to tell the woman in person instead of over the phone, so that she could have a shoulder to cry on if needed.

For informal recruitment, honestly I don't know how my chapter handled the no-bid situation. I was never involved in the notification, so don't know whether they talked to the women regardless of getting a bid or not.

[indygphib]

Membership in any of our orgs. is a privilege, not a right. Some folx fit in, others don't.

Exactly.

[UGAalum94]

Sure. I agree that it's not a right, but what do you tell young women that you know personally before recruitment who get cut by groups they want or worse yet, cut out completely?

Without telling them specific membership information, don't you usually tell them something?

Sometimes it might just be about other chances to get involved elsewhere. Sometimes, if you know an objective reason, like low GPA, you might mention it as something that may have made it harder.

ETA: I don't mean that the groups themselves should say anything officially, but rush guides or greek life could say something.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by jessicaelaine

no kidding, thats why i posted this. because i need advice about giving advice. i can't exactly offer comforting words to a girl i don't like. and looking at how the votes went for her, neither will many other girls in my sorority. am i supposed to tell her "well, you cheated on your boyfriend with the boyfriend of one of our sisters who then broke up with that sister for you. you're also fake and hyprocritcal and change your personality and opinion depending on who you talk to." i'm telling you i know for sure this girl is going to approch one of us, so not telling her anything is not an option. thanks for your help.

Just tell her:

"I'm sorry, but our membership selection process is confidential. We aren't allowed to discuss why someone was chosen or not chosen with anyone, even with those new members who DID receive bids."

That's all anyone EVER needs to hear about why they were chosen or not chosen. Period.

Oh, and to everyone who's saying "make the Rho Chi do it" I think the OP's Greek system is relatively small and doesn't have formal rush/Rho Chis.

[summer_gphib]

Just a side note... you may want to check your online booklet for errors. NPC is the National Panhellenic Conference, not the National Pan-Hellenic Conference. I'm not trying to be nit picky, but you should know that.

I'm far from a perfect speller, but that is a pretty big mistake.

[GDIfly]

Originally Posted by summer_gphib

NPC is the National Panhellenic Confernece, not the National Pan-Hellenic Conference. I'm not trying to be nit picky, but you should know that.

i'm loling. I'm sure one day someone will get it right.