How do you keep an Illinois football player out of your driveway?
Put up a goalpost.
Why couldn't Jon Beutjer answer his phone?
He couldn't find the receiver.
A CHEMICAL, BIOLOGICAL, AND NUCLEAR SURVEY TEAM was dispatched to the University of Illinois to investigate a mysterious white powder discovered in Memorial Stadium during football practice.
The alert was called off when the mystery substance was identified as the goal line.
Practice was allowed to resume after authorities determined that it was highly unlikely that any of the players would ever encounter the substance again.
Thank you, I'll be here all week.
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