Moving in with BF! I need advice.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

long post alert/

I think the context of this thread is couples that are thinking longterm and at least one person is hoping there will be a marriage, even if it is in the very distance future.

Eh this thread lost its context quite a ways ago. I still have no issue with cohabing itself. Do I think it's always wise? No. But neither do I think that maintaining separate residences is either.

If we were talking about couples that aren't thinking marriage and at least one person isn't even secretly hoping to marry the other person, I'd say cohabitation may work as long as they are old enough and mature enough to share such a big responsibility with a significant other. I would recommend that they think about the logistics of it all (what the future holds, whether they want dependents, economic stuff, property stuff). If they are going into it blind and thinking love conquers all, I'd say spare themselves and everyone else the pain and keep their own living space.

Marriage itself works the same way though.

It's funny because I have a friend who has lived with her significant other for about 8 years. We have discussed this topic numerous times over the years and her comments have predictably changed from "I don't want to get married, I just want to shack" to "I've been thinking more about marriage and whether I want children." I just say "uh huh."


On the other hand, I have about 5 colleagues ages 35-60 yo who have significant others, and a few of them have children together, that they've lived with for 10+ years. These people never intended to get married and they haven't waivered. They are considered a cohabitation success story but also could be considered a failure for the sanctity of marriage because they are "playing house."

/long post alert

The concept of the sanctity of marriage in a civil sense is bullshit, in my humble opinion. Marriage can be sacred in a religious or spiritual sense, but the government doesn't and shouldn't give a shit. And if I don't belong to a particular belief structure, they should keep their noses and butts out of my private life. And that's true whether I am open about my life or not.

I have many friends who have been handfasted as a legal ceremony or instead of a legal ceremony and the sacredness, the sanctity, of their relationships is no more or less than any other religious ceremony. But neither is the triad who are all three handfasted to each other.