Quote:
Originally Posted by Drolefille
Thing is, for example, feeling guilty about sex, or about my relationship resulted in me acting to not feel guilty - by leaving the institution that was telling me I should feel guilty. At this time it's also led to me lying to my parents, which is something else to feel guilty about, but the knowledge of their beliefs and our current proximity means that I'm going to lie and feel guilty for that rather than again be pressured to feel guilty for something that is not wrong.
Your perspective works in an ideal world, and it's one that I hope to eventually live up to, but it isn't necessarily realistic. I know that I'm more sensitive than most to disappointing people I care about, but I don't believe I'm at such an extreme that there isn't a large number of people who are on a similar spectrum.
I don't want people to be motivated by guilt, not even self-centered people. I'd rather they learn to be motivated by more other-centered causes. Additionally I think it's silly to assume that we know whether people feel guilt or not.
ETA: Something clicked for me, and we do a similar exercise with our clients about worries, if you're doing everything you can about it then why worry? If you're not doing everything you can, and don't intend to, then why worry about it? All that said, people still worry.
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We may be operating with different definitions of guilt. I think you are leaning more towards a definition for what I would label shame, which is a horse of a different colour. Guilt in and of itself is not a good thing, but as a motivating force - something which causes you to examine your actions - it is. Guilt implies a knowledge of right and wrong. Although I realize it is now quite the fashion to be a moral relativist, I'd argue that losing the perspective of right/wrong that leads to the kind of guilt I'm discussing has resulted in far more evil than the occasional misplaced guilt.
I wouldn't dare to comment on your relationship with your parents, DF; I am sorry you are not able to be more honest with them. It sounds like you are being too hard on yourself - and that may be misplaced guilt. Sometimes you can only do what you can only do. In that instance, you shouldn't feel guilty.
I don't live in an ideal world, nor do any of my friends and family. Certainly with a son going through first communion I am extra aware of the difficulties and challenges of applying a moral framework to our everyday existence. I've made my peace with my imperfections as far as guilt goes. If I do feel guilty, I look at it as a warning sign - I need to think about what I'm doing/not doing.
As to "silly to assume that we know whether people feel guilty or not" - not always. I imagine everyone can think of an instance of someone saying "sorry" when they knew good and well the malefactor was sorry he/she was caught, not sorry for what they did. Those people feel no guilt. Bernie Madoff comes to mind as someone who feels no guilt - and I don't think that's a silly assessment on my part.
I like your "worries" analogy - but it actually works for me! I always apply the 5 year rule to my worries - will it matter in 5 years? If not, I do what I can and stop worrying. If it will, I put extra effort into taking care of the problem. I "smack the gators that are closest" - don't worry about the ones you can't yet see.
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