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I'm not going to read your essay for you, but I'll give you a couple of tips.
Double space it. Use the grammar checker on your MS Word - it's not right every time, but it can call to attention areas that will sound weird if spoken aloud. Read it out loud yourself, so that you can hear the flow of the essay.
MAKE SURE YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION. If it's a question asking for a personal experience that leads you to want to go to I.O.U. then make sure you pick the most interesting personal experience you can muster, without lying. College admissions personnel can tell a lie from a mile away, but they also read about 700 million of these essays so make it as interesting as possible.
If they ask you to write about a person in the news that you look up to, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD DO NOT SAY Hillary Clinton/Barak Obama/John McCain/Sarah Palin.
Instead, choose someone who gives back to their community. A local philanthropist. Something like that. Don't choose the easy choices - if they say they want to hear about who you look up to - DO THE RESEARCH BEHIND IT.
I think college applications are due in March? If so - you have plenty of time if you need to re-work your essays.
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