Mental Health and Taboo topics in OUR community

[Ideal08]

Oh, to meet another isolator!!! SOROR, I have had the instances when I couldn't get dressed for work, couldn't even get out of bed. Once a soror that I worked with had to come to my apartment to help me. At work that week she had to take me outside to walk around the parking lot because I got angry and WENT OFF on the phone at work. I could not control stuff I normally had control over. I don't know what I would have done without her at that point in my life. But she understood cuz she had been there and knew she had to get me out of bed and out of the house.

Giiiiiiirrrrrrrrl, the blinds drawn--that hit a nerve. I used to wish I had hotel curtains in my apartment b/c they are so good at keeping the room dark! I didn't even realize how dark I kept my apartment until someone pointed it out. Now I make it a habit to open the blinds every day (even when I don't want to). People would be surprised what a little sunlight will do. First, it's hard to stay in bed and sleep if the room is bright (even though I have a little eye mask, lol). In my last housebound episode, I stopped going to work, didn't go to bible class on the Sabbath, stopped checking my mail, didn't answer the phone, didn't check voicemail, nothing. One of the apartment managers came to my door to check on me because my job called concerned. I hadn't gone in or called or anything. It was my rock bottom. I didn't even call my therapist (which I got ripped a new one for when I finally went in). She helped me figure out it was cyclic and how often it happened. I don't EVER want it to get that bad again. I pay attention to the signs, at least I try to.

Oh, the expectations are WAY overwhelming. I'm joining the land of the living again, and it's hard. First folks want to know WHY I haven't been in touch, and I haven't yet figured out what to say. I kinda just brush over it and never really answer the question. Like you, I'm shocked and blessed that they even still want to deal with me, let along be my friend. My sister gets mad when I don't answer her calls. I've started answering them because she called one day and was like, "DO I NEED TO COME DOWN THERE? ARE YOU BACK ON MEDICATION? WTF IS GOIN' ON??????" I realized she was scared and worried and I can't have that (she has high blood pressure), so even when she is the last person I want to be bothered with (she's also an alcoholic and often drunk dials), I take her calls. Girl, family...

It's hard especially because I don't have a reason to why I don't feel like talking or being bothered. Sometimes I just don't. Sometimes I'm just tired, and it takes energy to be around people and to talk to people and to be my regular self. And if I'm not my regular self, then people ask what's wrong and I don't have an answer to all that, so to avoid all that, I just don't answer the phone. But I will email cuz people can't tell by email if I'm down or not. So I can stay in touch and not have to be 'human,' if that makes any sense.

My manfriend has no idea how much he helps me when he makes me do stuff by myself, like run errands. Sometimes, I'm just scared to leave the house alone and I want him to go with me and he is NOT on it. But I don't want to become one of the people I read about who can only leave the house with her husband. I don't want to be her, as much as I don't want to go out by myself. It's a constant struggle, me fighting me. Makes me feel crazy and unbalanced. But I realize I'm not fighting me, I'm fighting the depression/anxiety that is trying to control me. So I have to force myself to take control, one day at a time.

That being said, sometimes I want nothing more than to be by myself and do things that don't require other people. Like going to the library and the bookstore or going for walks, activities where I'm out of the house, but still kinda isolated and don't have to socialize.

But I can tell I'm getting better because I don't pray for death anymore. I never wanted to actually kill myself, I just wanted to cease to exist somehow. Or I wanted some freak accident to happen so I could die and not deal with the stigma of suicide. Or I wanted some fairy godmother to send me someone who could go out and live my life while I stayed in the bed. I don't feel that way anymore and what's more, I'm not ashamed that I ever felt that way at all. I want to actually LIVE now. I don't want to just survive; I want to get to a point where I am LIVING joyfully. I'm not there yet, but that's what I pray for now. And it's what I wish for you, Soror PIP777, and the rest of you in this thread. I wish LIFE for us.

((((((((((all y'all))))))))))