The Grossest Thing Evah...

[KillarneyRose]

Ok, so today I got home from work and, when I opened the front door to my house, my miniature schnauzer puppy darted out past me. For a few minutes, she toyed with me; trotting around the yard and pausing to let me get almost close enough to grab her and then trotting away just fast enough so that me in my high heels couldn't catch up with her.

She must've decided that, hey, this would be a good time to take a run on the beach, so she headed off in that direction, rocketing at incredible speed through my across-the-street neighbor's yard.

At this point, I knew that I could not catch this wiley beast on foot since I am old and out of shape and plain lazy. So, I jumped into my nice, clean. spanking new car and headed in the direction where I last saw her little grey butt hopping, her white tail bouncing as if to say, "Ha! Catch me now - if you CAN!"

I caught up with her a few minutes later on the road behind my across-the-street neighbor's house. She was sniffing around on the side of the road and, when I stopped the car and opened the door, she looked at me as if to say, "What took you so long?" and jumped right onto my lap.

As I started the short drive home, I noticed that she was chewing something. Something really big. Something really chewy. Something really stinky. Really, really stinky. It was like she was chomping on a really chewy, stinky wad of gum or something. So, without thinking, I decided to grab this chewy, stinky mass out of her mouth before she choked on it. Besides, we all know that you shouldn't eat things you find on the side of the road, right?

She didn't want to give it up at first but I persisted and, since I'm the one with opposable thumbs, I eventually won the fight. Or DID I???? I grabbed and pulled, and pulled and kept pulling and my poor dog started making retching noises. Whatever this chewy, stinky wad was, part of it was still in her mouth, but a sizeable portion of said wad had already been swallowed.

As I'm pulling, the wad itself, which I was holding in my bare hand, became illuminated by my dashboard lights. It was dim, but I could barely make out the shape of an extremely decomposed baby squirrel. The part of the wad that I had to pull out of my dog's throat? That would be the decomposed baby squirrel's tail.

I wretched the rest of the, um, tail out of my dog's throat and tossed the whole stinky thing out the window of my car. But, although the squirrel was gone, the smell was still very much present. On my hand, on the sleeve of my blouse, in my car and especially on my dog's breath.

I've given hear several of those "breath freshening" doggie biscuits, brushed her teeth twice and even let her eat an entire can of Spaghetti O's in a vain attempt to erase that awful smell. It doesn't seem like it's going away anytime soon. My oh-so-hilarious husband has dubbed her "Death Breath".

We'll see who's laughing when I sneak out early tomorrow morning and take his car to work. (insert deranged laugh here)

Can anyone top that? Doubtful!