lady_chem's Disappointing Recruitment

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by 33girl

She said it was a house, NOT an apartment, and I'd hardly call it a "stupid mistake." As a matter of fact, it says a lot about the caliber of men that the chapter's women associate with that one of them was nice and kind enough to do that for his girlfriend's sorority. Would you have rather they went to a hotel room with an impersonal atmosphere and unnecessary expense?

No kidding. Too bad she feels too good for this group. Their probably a really great group of girls.

[AOIIalum]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

If you really want to feel at home, you have to:

Get to know members
Attend events
Hang out
Have fun
Get involved.

So yes, you can be happy in your 2nd choice, it just takes time and effort on your part.

Exactly. Take some time to get involved and get to know the women in your new sorority. How can you know it's not right for you if you don't give them, or yourself, a chance? There might be a lot more there than meets the eye, and if they are the youngest and smallest chapter on campus you might have opportunities available to you beyond your imagination today.

[Lafayette79]

I would encourage Lady Chem to read some of the sad stories of those who received no bid. Or even worse, those live Recruitment stories which just stop and we all hope that the PNM was too busy with their new house to finish up the story, but we know the real reason the story ended early was not so happy.

Relax, you are in, and this is a good thing.

[FleurGirl]

I kind of want to shake her and scream "TAKE THE BID, TAKE THE BID!" Lady_Chem, it seems like you had a pretty good experience with DEF, why not stick around? You can't pledge anywhere else until next year, so what could it hurt to stick around through your NM period and see what happens? If you really make an honest effort to get to know these girls, I'm willing to bet that you will find it's home after all.

[agzg]

This is unrelated, but when I was a new member, there was a new member who really had her heart set on a certain woman to be her sister-mother. It didn't work out, and the person she was matched with didn't want her, either. They both cried on sister-mother night. Their pictures are awful - sulking etc.

Things got better through the course of her new member period, and at initiation, they still weren't besties but they had grown quite fond of one another. Things got better still until the time the sister-mother graduated from college and got engaged.

By the time the wedding rolled around, the sister-daughter was in her sister-mother's wedding party, and could not be happier for one of the closest friends she made in college.

I guess the point is that things don't always work out the way you'd like (neither of these women had the other on "her list"). If you put in an effort, it might be one of the most valuable things you can get out of sisterhood.

[BraveMaroon]

I also have to wonder if there's some revisionist history going on as well.

Which is to say, her recollection of DEF comes off as lukewarm, but I'm wondering if her bias for ABC has her forgetting things about DEF during rush that were more positive.

I hope she can get past her grief and enjoy a group of women who clearly appreciate her...

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

the vast majority of new members do not feel an instant connection with their chapter. that takes time. it takes more than a year for some girls.

i find it ironic that you state that you feel rejected and that you have had that happen before, but now you seem poised to reject the group that DID want you. This group did not reject you. please give them a chance.

Yeah, I'm tired of hearing this stuff over and over. A lot of PNMs are in denial about which chapter they belong in. They fixate on houses filled with girls that they want to be, not who they really are. I understand no one wants to think of themselves as a natural fit in the house others deem "lower tier," but if those same women would instead have pride in joining the house and make it the best it can be, they could actually change the reputation of the chapter. Instead, they reject that house, telling the women that just invited them into membership that they would rather be in NO sorority than their sorority. Rude, childish and naive.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

Yeah, I'm tired of hearing this stuff over and over. A lot of PNMs are in denial about which chapter they belong in. They fixate on houses filled with girls that they want to be, not who they really are. I understand no one wants to think of themselves as a natural fit in the house others deem "lower tier," but if those same women would instead have pride in joining the house and make it the best it can be, they could actually change the reputation of the chapter. Instead, they reject that house, telling the women that just invited them into membership that they would rather be in NO sorority than their sorority. Rude, childish and naive.

The thing is, at most schools, what is lower tier? Generally, it's based entirely on appearance. I don't even mean that the lower tier girls are less attractive, but they may not be as focused on things like fashion, make-up, etc.

Does your sorority experience really depend on how attractive your sisters are? I highly doubt it.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

The thing is, at most schools, what is lower tier? Generally, it's based entirely on appearance. I don't even mean that the lower tier girls are less attractive, but they may not be as focused on things like fashion, make-up, etc.

Does your sorority experience really depend on how attractive your sisters are? I highly doubt it.

I think that more often, it's based on some reputation that isn't even deserved or some historical ranking that nobody can change.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I think that more often, it's based on some reputation that isn't even deserved or some historical ranking that nobody can change.

Depends on the school. Reputations can and do change.

But the point is, will the girls in the house not be good friends because XYZ fraternity doesn't want to have a social with them? Or some GDI on your floor repeats an unflattering nickname she heard?

[33girl]

Considering the OP's school is 80% men, I would honestly be shocked if there were fraternities that refused to mix with any of the sororities.

But I agree with Dee though. Depending on the region, the "top tier" can have practically zero to do with the members' beauty and far more to do with history, family connections or $$. But again that's really not an issue at this school. The oldest group isn't even 15 years old.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Considering the OP's school is 80% men, I would honestly be shocked if there were fraternities that refused to mix with any of the sororities.

But I agree with Dee though. Depending on the region, the "top tier" can have practically zero to do with the members' beauty and far more to do with history, family connections or $$. But again that's really not an issue at this school. The oldest group isn't even 15 years old.

Right, right, I didn't mean to imply that the "bottom tier" girls were uglier or anything, just perhaps that they weren't as good at first impressions.

The fact of the matter is that every chapter has something to offer, and when you talk about national organizations, certainly they are all have lots to be proud of.

However, we've all been 18, and we've all thought to ourselves, "I wanna join the popular group and hang out with the hottest fraternities". It takes some maturity to suck it up and move past that, and I hope the OP makes an effort to do so.

[sherrybaby]

While I totally agree that the OP should give DEF a chance, since she can't rush again for another year anyway, I think we might be being a bit harsh on her. While it sounds like DEF might be what would be considered "lower tier" (although I cringe at typing that phrase) at some schools, it didn't sound to me like that was the reason she didn't want to be a part of them. Although maybe I'm just naive, I do tend to see the best in people...

my point is, a lot of these posts sound like they are certain that the OP must belong in this sorority simply because they extended her a bid. I know even in my limited experience, this isn't always the case. Struggling chapters (in terms of numbers) sometimes are not that discerning and might extend bids to any girl who doesn't seem totally 100% wrong. I'm sure this has worked out in many cases, but let's at least recognize that it happens. Bottom line, none of us were at these parties, none of us know what she felt. Let's not assume that because she is a younger than a lot of the people on this board that she doesn't know what she feels. Yes, tons of girls end up loving sororities they were unsure about, I know plenty people like that, but the key word is unsure. Usually the ones who end up loving a house had mixed feelings, not a uniform feeling of not feeling comfortable at all.

I totally agree that the OP should give this house a chance, I just think that maybe some of these posts are getting a bit condescending. Let's respect her feelings and be conscious of the fact that maybe she really won't fit at this chapter. I honestly didn't get the impression that she felt DEF was beneath her, just that she didn't feel comfortable at any of the parties. So hopefully the OP will look at DEF with new eyes and come to appreciate them, but let's not judge her if it doesn't work out.

[psusue]

Originally Posted by sherrybaby

my point is, a lot of these posts sound like they are certain that the OP must belong in this sorority simply because they extended her a bid. I know even in my limited experience, this isn't always the case. Struggling chapters (in terms of numbers) sometimes are not that discerning and might extend bids to any girl who doesn't seem totally 100% wrong. I'm sure this has worked out in many cases, but let's at least recognize that it happens. Bottom line, none of us were at these parties, none of us know what she felt. Let's not assume that because she is a younger than a lot of the people on this board that she doesn't know what she feels. Yes, tons of girls end up loving sororities they were unsure about, I know plenty people like that, but the key word is unsure. Usually the ones who end up loving a house had mixed feelings, not a uniform feeling of not feeling comfortable at all.

The problem with this line of reasoning is that struggling chapters (if indeed DEF is one) often do not "shine" in a formal recruitment setting. I think most people that have been through formal know what I'm talking about; these girls would not be the best at bumping (if they do it at all), maybe have to double/triple rush girls, don't have the most polished recruitment conversation skills (because recruitment is certainly a very specific kind of setting and conversation), etc. If that's what she meant by not comfortable, then my advice to her would be please, please, stick it out and get to know the girls for real, in a more relaxed setting. They may be the exact kind of sisterhood that you're looking for, just maybe now the girls that wow you in 20 minutes through matching outfits, perfect hair, and on point conversations.

However if she meant that she didn't feel comfortable for other reasons and those are legitimate concerns to her, maybe their sisterhood isn't what she is looking for. These would of course be personal, but we're just trying to encourage her (especially because she cannot go through recruitment again until next year) to give this sisterhood a try until before initiation, at which point she can make a more informed decision. Most all of us have been there and remember how emotional recruitment can be, how people are making decisions based on practically nothing, and how easily one can be influenced by their peers. This is why I believe that the recruitment process favors the sorority's wishes (on the whole), because we know our sisters. You may think that you're a great fit after meeting 3 women, but we know all of our sisters, and we know if you'd be a good addition overall.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by sherrybaby

I totally agree that the OP should give this house a chance, I just think that maybe some of these posts are getting a bit condescending. Let's respect her feelings and be conscious of the fact that maybe she really won't fit at this chapter. I honestly didn't get the impression that she felt DEF was beneath her, just that she didn't feel comfortable at any of the parties. So hopefully the OP will look at DEF with new eyes and come to appreciate them, but let's not judge her if it doesn't work out.

She is at a school where all 3 chapters are pretty small. Only 30 women went through rush so she didn't fall through the cracks and get cut at a chapter that she would have been perfect for. We're just telling her that if she doesn't fit here, it's very very unlikely that she can rerush and be part of Greek life. It's hard to tell for sure if you "fit" after less than a week - as KSUViolet said, there seems to be this fantasy perpetuated that EVERYONE is 100% happy at their sorority and BFFs with everyone immediately. While it does happen that way for a few people, for the most part it takes a while to really find your place, no matter how small the group is.

She's tied to this group for a year, so she might as well spend some more time trying it out, and if she still hates it a month & 1/2 down the road, she doesn't have to initiate.