Rushing lonely

[graciegiraffe07]

I am a rising sophomore at a small college with a large greek population. I have social anxiety disorder, and it is very difficult for me to speak to people I am not used to, even if they speak to me first. I am a sweet, nice person, but I am afraid that because of my disorder I sometimes give people the impression that I am stuck up and unfriendly. I know several girls in sororities on my campus from class, dorm, etc. but I am not really friends with any of them. I want more than anything to break through my disorder and make friends. However, I am afraid that some girls that are acquainted with me may have gotten the wrong impression of me. I want to rush in the fall but I am afraid that this will hurt my chances of getting into a sorority and later, thriving in it. When I go through recruitment, should I tell members I talk to one on one that I have SAD, or should I just suck it up and try my best to show them how sweet and fun I really am?

[kath888]

i'm not in a sorority yet so having not been through the other side of rush, i don't know if my advice is the best, but i feel like it would be better to just "suck it up and try and show everyone how sweet you really are" instead of mentioning the disorder. It might seem like you are looking for pity or make people feel awkward, not that you are at all, but a lot of people just don't really understand things like social anxiety disorder (same goes for depression, eating disorders, anything like that if you know what i mean). good luck!

[nate2512]

Originally Posted by kath888

i'm not in a sorority yet so having not been through the other side of rush, i don't know if my advice is the best, but i feel like it would be better to just "suck it up and try and show everyone how sweet you really are" instead of mentioning the disorder. It might seem like you are looking for pity or make people feel awkward, not that you are at all, but a lot of people just don't really understand things like social anxiety disorder (same goes for depression, eating disorders, anything like that if you know what i mean). good luck!

I think that you should let girls in sororities handle this one. Not to say that you are certainly wrong, but they have to deal with all kinds of things and would be better apt to answer this question, I appreciate your willingness but this isn't something to be taken lightly and should be given a lot of thought.

So therefore ladies, please help this nice young woman out.

[KSUViolet06]

Coming from an actual sorority member perspective: I don't feel like this is something that you need to tell members during rush. I mean, I just don't see why they need to know about your personal medical diagnosis. Sorority members aren't clincians and they don't know everything that it entails and conversely, what it DOES NOT entail. Telling them may lead them to think things like "she couldn't be a productive member because she's terrified of being in front of people." These things are not neccessarily true of people with SAD, but who knows what girls may conclude when given a medical diagnosis that they're not familiar with.

I would suggest starting some therapy, if you aren't already in some. It will help alot. I'd start now with gradually easing yourself into social situations. Recruitment (for someone who has SAD) is going to be a tough situation. There will be alot of people trying to get to know you. You don't want to go into it "cold" without having eased into being around and making conversation with others. Try going to dinner parties wth friends or barbeques and makng one on one conversations with people there.

Ultimately, it is up to you to decide whether this is something you want to disclose. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[fantASTic]

Actually...a young woman who went through rush last semester at my school has social anxiety disorder. She is a lovely young woman and when going through, when she was asked why she wanted to join a sorority, she answered: "I have social anxiety disorder, and it is hard for me to make friends sometimes because of that. I really want to get out and meet new people and experience new things, and I think that being in a sorority will really help me." It was a GREAT answer...because it helped us to say, "She wasn't talkative because she has social anxiety, not because she isn't interested." I don't think there is any reason why you SHOULDN'T bring it up, especially if asked why you want to join.

The young woman mentioned, by the way, became a new member at our chapter - and we love her! We probably would have cut her if she had NOT told us what was going on, because we would have thought she wasn't interested...but we are so glad we didn't!

[violetpretty]

I think it depends on how you present the information. If you say "Oh sorry I'm so quiet/awkward, I have social anxiety disorder," that would be weird, and like KSUViolet has said, the general population does not know what SAD entails. Explaining SAD thoroughly to each member you speak with won't really give them a chance to get to know you in 10 minutes, you'll just be "the PNM who has SAD".

However, you can mention when a member asks you why you want to go Greek that you are shy and sometimes feel socially anxious and are looking to come out of your shell and blossom. In other words, I'd use adjectives to describe your condition rather than the "diagnosis".

One really helpful thing you can do to help you feel more relaxed is to come up with "backup questions". Although the members (IMO) should be responsible for guiding the conversation and trying to learn information about you, not everyone is great at recruiting, and sometimes there will be lulls in conversation. If you can think of a few questions to ask if/when there's an awkward silence, you should feel more at ease.

I'd recommend asking your rusher about her experiences in her chapter. Ask about her favorite memory from her new member period, about her big and/or little, about her position if she has/had one, if she lives in the house (if your school has them)/what she likes about it, what else she does on campus/how she balances her time. These questions are more personal than "what's your philanthropy" (especially since they will probably tell you that in one of the rounds anyway) and not obscure like "If you were stranded on a desert island..." Asking questions about a member's experience will also give you a chance to express specific things that interest you about sorority life.

Good luck!

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by violetpretty

I think it depends on how you present the information. If you say "Oh sorry I'm so quiet/awkward, I have social anxiety disorder," that would be weird, and like KSUViolet has said, the general population does not know what SAD entails. Explaining SAD thoroughly to each member you speak with won't really give them a chance to get to know you in 10 minutes, you'll just be "the PNM who has SAD".

This the point I was trying to make, but you said it better.

Recruitment is about members getting to know YOU. The rounds are not very long and they have to try to do so in a short time period. If you tell the members that you have SAD, then the girls will most likely either want to talk more about your disorder OR awkwardly pause because they have no clue what to follow that up with. In either of these scenarios, the members have learned nothing about you other than the fact that you have SAD. I'm sure you want to be remembered for something other than that because you are probably so much more than just someone with SAD.

[gee_ess]

I really like violetpretty suggestion that you explain that you are quiet and shy without going into your diagnosis.

My concern is WHERE you are in school. Judging from the info on your post, you may be attending in the SEC and that can be harder than an informal recruitment campus.

Also, you might get the women who write your recs/letters to include your shyness, etc in their introduction of you. It is nice to have a "heads up" about a girl who may come across as unfriendly and is really just very shy.

Again, good solid advice from violet

ETA: KSUViolet06 and I must have posted at the same time!")

[SoCalGirl]

Originally Posted by kath888

i'm not in a sorority yet so having not been through the other side of rush, i don't know if my advice is the best, but i feel like it would be better to just "suck it up and try and show everyone how sweet you really are" instead of mentioning the disorder. It might seem like you are looking for pity or make people feel awkward, not that you are at all, but a lot of people just don't really understand things like social anxiety disorder (same goes for depression, eating disorders, anything like that if you know what i mean). good luck!

I agree.

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Coming from an actual sorority member perspective: I don't feel like this is something that you need to tell members during rush. I mean, I just don't see why they need to know about your personal medical diagnosis. Sorority members aren't clincians and they don't know everything that it entails and conversely, what it DOES NOT entail. Telling them may lead them to think things like "she couldn't be a productive member because she's terrified of being in front of people." These things are not neccessarily true of people with SAD, but who knows what girls may conclude when given a medical diagnosis that they're not familiar with.

I would suggest starting some therapy, if you aren't already in some. It will help alot. I'd start now with gradually easing yourself into social situations. Recruitment (for someone who has SAD) is going to be a tough situation. There will be alot of people trying to get to know you. You don't want to go into it "cold" without having eased into being around and making conversation with others. Try going to dinner parties wth friends or barbeques and makng one on one conversations with people there.

Ultimately, it is up to you to decide whether this is something you want to disclose. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Regardless if you go through recruitment and regardless if you get a bid you should definitely seek help. Therapy and/or medication could be life changing for you. If you truly have social anxiety, joining a sorority won't make it vanish.

Originally Posted by fantASTic

Actually...a young woman who went through rush last semester at my school has social anxiety disorder. She is a lovely young woman and when going through, when she was asked why she wanted to join a sorority, she answered: "I have social anxiety disorder, and it is hard for me to make friends sometimes because of that. I really want to get out and meet new people and experience new things, and I think that being in a sorority will really help me." It was a GREAT answer...because it helped us to say, "She wasn't talkative because she has social anxiety, not because she isn't interested." I don't think there is any reason why you SHOULDN'T bring it up, especially if asked why you want to join.

The young woman mentioned, by the way, became a new member at our chapter - and we love her! We probably would have cut her if she had NOT told us what was going on, because we would have thought she wasn't interested...but we are so glad we didn't!

I'm glad that it worked out for her and your sisters.

Originally Posted by violetpretty

I think it depends on how you present the information. If you say "Oh sorry I'm so quiet/awkward, I have social anxiety disorder," that would be weird, and like KSUViolet has said, the general population does not know what SAD entails. Explaining SAD thoroughly to each member you speak with won't really give them a chance to get to know you in 10 minutes, you'll just be "the PNM who has SAD".

However, you can mention when a member asks you why you want to go Greek that you are shy and sometimes feel socially anxious and are looking to come out of your shell and blossom. In other words, I'd use adjectives to describe your condition rather than the "diagnosis".

One really helpful thing you can do to help you feel more relaxed is to come up with "backup questions". Although the members (IMO) should be responsible for guiding the conversation and trying to learn information about you, not everyone is great at recruiting, and sometimes there will be lulls in conversation. If you can think of a few questions to ask if/when there's an awkward silence, you should feel more at ease.

I'd recommend asking your rusher about her experiences in her chapter. Ask about her favorite memory from her new member period, about her big and/or little, about her position if she has/had one, if she lives in the house (if your school has them)/what she likes about it, what else she does on campus/how she balances her time. These questions are more personal than "what's your philanthropy" (especially since they will probably tell you that in one of the rounds anyway) and not obscure like "If you were stranded on a desert island..." Asking questions about a member's experience will also give you a chance to express specific things that interest you about sorority life.

Good luck!

If you feel the need to explain I think VP is on the money re describing rather than diagnosing.


I would think the the less compeitive your school's recruiment is the less likely this will hurt you. At Bama or other super compeitive schools they have to cut girls for any reason they can come up with. Less competitive schools have the luxury of getting to know you better before making a final decision.

To be honest, I grew up knowing plenty of friends and family with various social disorders. If a rushee had said to me "I want to join a sorority to get over my SAD." it'd have been a major red flag. I would be concerned not only of how productive a member she would be but how the heck would she handle rushing girls the next year? Not every chapter has the ability to have sisters not be active on the recruitment floor.

You have no control over the opinions of the sisters you speak to or how they're sisters react. Go through recruitment and present yourself the best you can so that in the end, good or bad, you can be confident that you accomplished something that most people with SAD would never put themselves through. Good Luck!

[nate2512]

Originally Posted by gee_ess

I really like violetpretty suggestion that you explain that you are quiet and shy without going into your diagnosis.

My concern is WHERE you are in school. Judging from the info on your post, you may be attending in the SEC and that can be harder than an informal recruitment campus.

Also, you might get the women who write your recs/letters to include your shyness, etc in their introduction of you. It is nice to have a "heads up" about a girl who may come across as unfriendly and is really just very shy.

Again, good solid advice from violet

ETA: KSUViolet06 and I must have posted at the same time!")

Nothing in the SEC is small as she described.

[Jimmy Choo]

If you haven't already please seek some medical help with SAD. My boyfriend has the exact same thing and it used to really make going out and being socialable next to impossible for him. His dr. prescribed Wellbutrin for him and while it has not changed everything for him, his quality of life has significantly improved. He still doesn't like social situations with strangers he can now get thru them without having panic attacks (like he used to).

[FSUZeta]

Originally Posted by gee_ess

.
Also, you might get the women who write your recs/letters to include your shyness, etc in their introduction of you. It is nice to have a "heads up" about a girl who may come across as unfriendly and is really just very shy.

definately have your rec. writers do this. how much info. they share is up to you. if you were close to any of the girls in the sororities on your campus, and kept regularly in touch with them, you could mention your "breakthru" and how you are so much happier and are working to be more outgoing and friendly, etc. but it sounds like that won't work here.

i think that for you to have the best rush results possible, somehow the information needs to be revealed to the girls you know that you were not being aloof, standoffish or snobby by choice-that this is a disorder that you are working to overcome.

please seek medical help. there are so many ways you can be helped to cope with your disorder.

best wishes for your good health and for success with rush.

[Katmandu]

I commend you for wanting to step outside your comfort zone, and to challenge yourself with new experiences.

A couple of questions/comments.... are you self-diagnosed, or are you in treatment/therapy for SAD? If you are not in treatment, you might want to consider that, because as other posters have noted, joining a sorority won't necessarily change you, and therapy and medication can go a long way in helping.

If you ARE in therapy, discuss your desire to go through recruitment with your counselor or therapist. Role-playing, discussing possible scenarios, talking out typical recruitment questions, (read rush threads for info about typical recruitment conversations) could be very helpful.

I know it's the end of the year, but those sorority women you are already acquainted with could be great resources for you. Is there one that seems particularly approachable? If so, make an effort to get to know her. Don't necessarily spill your life story, or go into great detail about social anxiety, as that could backfire. Just reach out a bit. Maybe one of them is introverted/shy/anxious as well. Sometimes people respond when you reach out, sometimes they don't, but you will have made that first step and regardless of the outcome, you will have been proactive.

I agree with the other posters about not being too clinical or detailed in what you say to the actives during recruitment. Acknowledging shyness or introversion is something almost everyone can identify with. Many 19 or 20 year old college women would have no experience or understanding of Social Anxiety Disorder, and would only hear the word, "Disorder", which would be a shame.

As Violetpretty noted, having some great questions of your own to ask is a wonderful preparation for all PNMs. All actives love to talk about their chapter, their bigs/littles, activities, etc.

Another suggestion: Do you know, or can you locate, any recent graduates, women around 25-28 who were in sororities who might help you prepare for recruitment? They could talk you through the typical party talk, help you with recs, etc. A sorority alum in her mid to late 20's would be old enough to really understand your situation in a way that college women might not, yet be young enough to be savvy about recruitment. Contact your local panhellenic or greek life office to see if you can meet some people, or ask around at church, your old school, mom's friends, etc. Someone is bound to know someone, and the effort you make in contacting someone might be a good experience for you.

Recs are going to be critical for you. A good rec from someone who can talk about your qualities of loyalty, sweetness, etc. could make the difference between a chapter saying, "she seems uninterested" to a chapter saying, "she would make a great member". Turn over every stone to find recs and/or letters of support for each chapter on campus. You might be surprised to find teachers, mom's friends, etc. who were in glos.

Best of luck to you! I will be thinking of you and sending good vibes your way!

[OneHeartOneWay]

I agree with the advice given above by other posters regarding formal recruitment (and, of course, for seeking professional treatment options). However, let me offer a slightly different thought, as well. You said you go to a small school. Even though it has a large Greek population, how often do the chapters have informal recruitment events? Even though every chapter may not be available to you by sitting out formal recruitment, perhaps you would feel more comfortable and make a stronger impression through less structured, (often smaller and less "busy" parties) such that COB/ CR events offer. I'm not trying to dissuade you from formal recruitment, but rather it would be a shame for your true personality to get lost in the hustle-bustle of formal recruitment- an anxious situation for ANY PNM! Others may disagree, but just a thought...

[FSUZeta]

some schools do not hold informal recruitment-formal recruitment may be her only opportunity to join a sorority in college. gracie needs to make sure that her school holds informal.