Parents and college orientation

[Army Wife'79]

When my son started at Kansas, there was a 2 day (middle of summer, not the week b/f classes started) Jayhawk orientation so S and I went, got a hotel, and there was a joint session, then break out sessions where the kids went one way and parents went the other. I remember the dept. chair giving out his phone number and telling us to call if anything was bothering us, that's what he's there for.
When D started at an SEC school, same thing but this time I sent my Husband. I think they are beneficial to parents and I used the handouts often (including the flyer from the florist who does sorority themed floral arrangements).
This was also the time to have the kids sign the medical and registrars form so we had access to discuss payments, and doctor bills etc.

[ktbug10474]

When I had my college orientation ( summer of 06) the beginning of the 2 days students & parents had a big meeting together. After that meeting, there were breakaway groups for both groups. (students more to learn about the different aspects of college life, the college, etc & parents i believe were the how not to helicopter, how to let your kids become adults, etc....) We came back together for lunch and after lunch broke again into different groups to finish the other information we didn't talk about before.

I have a semi open relationship with my parents and I still don't show them my grades. My parents said once I turned 18 i was "on my own" til I graduated college and then they would truly cut me loose from them (besides when i get married). Before I get criticized for saying i'm not technically on my own, let me explain. Yes, my parents pay for tuition & room and board, and I still get a minimal allowance ($200 a month) from them. However, I do have a job and with my job and the $200 a month I have to pay for my gas, cell phone bill ( i wanted off their plan because i wanted a enV & they wouldn't let me), entertainment, clothes, and whatever else I want to do for the month. Basically, they're trying to teach me to budget my $$, which is something I think all parents should help their kids with.

[Army Wife'79]

IMO an adult is someone who pays for their own medical insurance, rent, car pmts, food and doesn't accept a dime from anyone; or someone who is NOT claimed on anothers tax form. Mostly because of lawsuits. I didn't want to be sued b/c one of my kids did something stupid in college so mine were/are on a short rope. Money is a great motivator and since I pay $100% of everything I can have all sorts of fun rules. Cell phones can be turned off, cars can be retrieved etc. I let them know it's a privilege to have the things they have and if they can't comply they can go out and get student loans and pay their own way.
I learned so much by watching some friends kids screw up. They would register for classes, parents pay the tuition for a semeseter and monthly rent/food money and the kid didn't go to any classes but sat around partying. These were the parents who never saw grades. Finally after 4 years they wondered why there was no graduation announcement and were STUNNED to find he had hardly any credits. I actually know 3 kids (all high school honor society students) who did this.
I told myself that will not fly in this family. I'll put that $$$ in my IRA b/f letting my kid have a 4 year party. So, my son made a few dumb mistakes but luckily nothing serious. He changed his major which added a year but I made him take summer school to make up for it so he graduated in 4 1/2 yrs. MY penalty if he got a DUI was me retrieving the car from him and he'd live at home and go to junior college so he did use extra $$ on taxi money to avoid that. (that was my worst fear for him in college: driving drunk)
With daughter I have the "no piercings/tattoos" rule. Penalty for that is the checkbook snapping closed. Plus, I've told her I'll pay for a masters or PhD or as long as she wants to get an education we'll support her so she'd be an idiot to throw that away for a tattoo. (all 3 of her roomates got one over spring break). I tell her once she graduates and is paying her own way in life she can get all the ink she wants.

[Munchkin03]

What does this have to do with anything, exactly? Nice of you to pat yourself on the back, though.

[nittanyalum]

I think she was vectoring off the 2nd paragraph in ktbug's post.

[Army Wife'79]

Yes I was referencing that as well as others on previous pages about parents who pay having the right to know grades, etc. I wouldn't pat my own back b/c the minute I bragged about my kids, I'm sure one of them would become a serial killer. I've known lots of "braggy" parents and it's always come back to haunt them.
I've read reports on neurology that say our brains are not fully developed until about age 25, which is probably why car insurance companies give a huge break at that time. Since my son was 17 when he went halfway across the country to school, I felt like cutting the cord would have been a recipe for disaster so I gradually loosened up on him over his college career.

[KSigkid]

Originally Posted by DeltAlum

WAY back in the day we had what was called "Pre-College" (orientation) which was two or three days as I recall. We took placement tests, tours, lectures on rules and dorm life and stuff like that.

My gut feeling is that there were a lot more rules then -- womens hours, not living off campus until age 21, etc., along with the normal conduct (academic and personal) issues. In Loco Parentis was not a wonderful thing for the college student of my era.

I think some parents might have been there -- mine weren't.

As for grade reports, isn't it against some privacy law or something to send parents report cards these days? It wasn't really an issue for us since both of ours did very well (3.96 and 4.0) in their college careers.

I could see it being an issue for reasons other than grades; for example, some parents want their children to major in something specific (i.e. want their child to be pre-med, business, etc.), but the child wants to do something else. There could be fights about classes scheduled, number of classes taken, etc.

[PeppyGPhiB]

Pepperdine has NSO the week before classes begin in the end of August. Parents go too, but I think their orientation is just a couple days. Anyway, at Pepperdine the students and parents don't even have to move themselves in - the NSO counselors rush out to the cars as they pull up in front of the dorms and move all your boxes into your room for you! It's over in a flash, which is actually kinda traumatizing for some kids (like me!) who are not quite ready to say goodbye yet. So for the first couple days, the freshmen go to sessions about courses and the GE curriculum, activities on campus, greek life, etc. while parents go to sessions about letting go, how to get involved with Pepp as a parent, etc. Both parents and students are invited to some sessions together, such as Financial Aid. Then the parents leave, and the students are immediately focused on their first teambuilding experience as students - Frosh Follies, a really fun tradition that introduces students to their dormmates and classmates, but also is very effective at delaying - for a while anyway - homesickness, which is quite present at a school where half the students are from out-of-state.

ETA: Oh, and I'm thrilled that I made the decision to go to school a plane ride away from home. My friends that went to schools within a few hours' drive from home just did not grow up as quickly as I did. They went home on some weekends, and Thanksgivings, whereas I only went home at winter and summer breaks. All of you parents that don't trust your kids: why don't you? Did you shelter them so much that you're afraid for them to be without you? Or did they fail to learn their lesson when they raised hell in high school? Either way, isn't that kindof your fault? I'm thrilled that my family did not limit my options for where I could go to school - not by geography or finances or anything else. All they cared about was that I'd be somewhere where I'd learn a lot and mature into an adult - whether that was across the lake or across the country. I knew that my family would only pay so much and that if I wanted to go somewhere that was more than that, it was my responsibility...and I was OK with that. In fact, I embraced it, because I knew that my family couldn't hold me hostage with that money; I think it's terribly manipulative for parents to do that...very passive aggressive. Do you want your kids to make their own decisions or not? I had a sorority sister whose family bought her a new BMW her sophomore year, then they made her drive home to visit them whenever they wanted. They also paid for her cell phone, so she had to answer the phone whenever they called (even if she was in a bar) because they threatened to take her phone away if she didn't. It's a terrible tactic used by parents who don't want to give up control of their kids, even when the "kids" are 22 year old adults! In my friend's case, I used to tell her that if I was her, and those types of restrictions were put upon me, I wouldn't accept them.

[AGDee]

Thanks for all the info. As with most things, it sounds like "it depends on the school". I'll just have to wait and see who wants to pay her to go there...lol. That said, I guess we'll focus on driver's ed first (which she is eligible to start in October) My intent all along has been to raise independent children and the fact that she is going on a 20 day trip to Europe with People to People without me this summer, at age 14, speaks to just how independent she is. I wouldn't have had the confidence to do that at her age! I tend to see myself as the parent who would drop her off at the front door and make myself available to her when she wants to call/come home, but encourage her to embrace her new surroundings (and go through recruitment...lol)

[FSUZeta]

speaking of parents attending orientation, hubby and i just got back from son's orientation. school does a good job of keeping parents busy(and actually imparts valuable information at the same time) and out of their kids and the administrations hair.

as seasoned parents,husband and i were sitting in the food court, having coffee and reading the newspaper, during the time that the incoming freshmen were meeting with their advisors and signing up for classes. there was another dad at the table next to ours. he sat by himself for about an hour after which he was joined by his wife. wife bustles up to the table, red faced and hair askew, positively fuming. she tells husband that she has been told that the kids will sign up by themselves for their classes-that there are advisors and counselors at the ready to help them, should they need it. she then goes on to say that she "guesses that they(she and her husband) are just there to pay the bills", and asks "how does the school expect the kids to choose their classes without the guidance of their parents?the kids don't know what they are doing!" husband pats her on the arm and assures her that they can always re-register their son on his computer at the office. after a few more heated rants about not being able to choose their childs class, they amble off. my husband and i give each other knowing looks.

later as we are helping our son collect his overnight things from the dorm room he stayed in, i spy the unfortunate son of those parents and point him out to our son. our son just shakes his head and agrees with us that it is a shame that those parents don't trust their child enough to let him sign up for his own classes. poor kid-we hope he doesn't know what his parents tried to do.

[couggirl]

[quote=Army Wife'79;1654606] and if they can't comply they can go out and get student loans and pay their own way.
quote]

To make a comment about student loans
part of the problem with getting student loans is that Unitl 24 the adult college student still needs mommy and daddies finacial information. This kind of buggs me cause my parents are still the really controlling type. I am 33 yold and they still think they have to control my life. I paid for college myself because they did not like that I would not do what they said. So getting student loans is not always the easiest solution to a problem.

Also, Washington State University had orientation for both students and parents at the same time during the summer but the programs were seperated. the students stayed in one dorm, the parents another dorm close by. Even meals were separated. i never say my mother the 2 days we were there except once when her orientation group walked past mine. the only reason i was looking was because her orientation leader was really good looking, otherwise i probably would not have even noticed. i liked it this way because the parents were not around to influence how students choice classes (not something my mom liked though).

I also wanted to say that at my friends school the housing office assumes that parents are filling out the housing questionair that is used (by most schools) to assign roommates. i was told that the school assumes that questionairs are invalid because of this and does not use them. I have been told it is because the school has a high rate of alternative lifestyle students and the parents are not aware of this and the school assumes that the student is not comfortable disclosing the info on the housing questionair because their parents might find out. This school also has parents attend orientation with the student. personnally, i think that orientation needs to be separated and that if this is a concern of the university then housing should be taken care of at orientation and parents should not be allowed access to the questionaire.

[SWTXBelle]

Texas State did indeed have an orientation program for parents. I didn't attend - went shopping instead, and relaxed at the hotel while Gypsyboots did her thing. She registered, and none of her classes start until 11! She also only has one class on Friday - I couldn't believe it. She did a really great job and I'm very proud of her. She does have to see if she can add a vocal class after she gets on campus.

And yes, when I was in the student center waiting for her to finish I saw plenty of helicopter parents fuming that they couldn't be with their little darlings as they registered.

[amanda6035]

Originally Posted by Army Wife'79

IMO an adult is someone who pays for their own medical insurance, rent, car pmts, food and doesn't accept a dime from anyone; or someone who is NOT claimed on anothers tax form. Mostly because of lawsuits. I didn't want to be sued b/c one of my kids did something stupid in college so mine were/are on a short rope. Money is a great motivator and since I pay $100% of everything I can have all sorts of fun rules. Cell phones can be turned off, cars can be retrieved etc. I let them know it's a privilege to have the things they have and if they can't comply they can go out and get student loans and pay their own way.
I learned so much by watching some friends kids screw up. They would register for classes, parents pay the tuition for a semeseter and monthly rent/food money and the kid didn't go to any classes but sat around partying. These were the parents who never saw grades. Finally after 4 years they wondered why there was no graduation announcement and were STUNNED to find he had hardly any credits. I actually know 3 kids (all high school honor society students) who did this.
I told myself that will not fly in this family. I'll put that $$$ in my IRA b/f letting my kid have a 4 year party. So, my son made a few dumb mistakes but luckily nothing serious. He changed his major which added a year but I made him take summer school to make up for it so he graduated in 4 1/2 yrs. MY penalty if he got a DUI was me retrieving the car from him and he'd live at home and go to junior college so he did use extra $$ on taxi money to avoid that. (that was my worst fear for him in college: driving drunk)
With daughter I have the "no piercings/tattoos" rule. Penalty for that is the checkbook snapping closed. Plus, I've told her I'll pay for a masters or PhD or as long as she wants to get an education we'll support her so she'd be an idiot to throw that away for a tattoo. (all 3 of her roomates got one over spring break). I tell her once she graduates and is paying her own way in life she can get all the ink she wants.

It is reasons EXACTLY LIKE THIS why I didnt go to college straight out of high school. I didnt want my parents holding money overmy head as a way to keep me as a puppet on a string.

4 years later, when I returned home from the Navy and GIBill in hand, my parents treated me like an adult. I was grateful for the fact that they offered me a place to live once I separated from the service - I lived with them for about 8 months. I didnt pay rent, but I did a large majority of the housework, bought household groceries and helped out with the utilities bills. My mom wanted housework out of me rather than rent money - I felt it was a fair compromise. I came and went as I pleased, and they had no problem with it, because I respected them as adults and let them know if I was going to be out extremely late, and gave them the courtesy of knowing who I would be with when I was out. I didnt want the college experience where my folks were holding money over my head as a way to rule my life. Car, cell phone bill, insurance, whatever, I paid for it all on my own. Even paying for grad school. While it's a nice gesture, it's total control. Student loans for me, thanks. While it may be debt, it teaches responsibility and builds credit.

And for the record - I always told my parents my grades. I was happy to brag about the good ones, and comfortable enough to b*tch about the not-so-good ones. My parents were my best friends when I came home from the service. Had I gone to college straight out of high school, I probably would have been that rebellious pain in the ass child.



As for orientations - my school had parent sessions to keep the parents out of the hair of the students while the students were doing their own thing.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by couggirl

I also wanted to say that at my friend's school the housing office assumes that parents are filling out the housing questionnaire that is used (by most schools) to assign roommates. I was told that the school assumes that questionnaires are invalid because of this and does not use them. I have been told it is because the school has a high rate of alternative lifestyle students and the parents are not aware of this and the school assumes that the student is not comfortable disclosing the info on the housing questionnaire because their parents might find out.

This has been going on since the dawn of time, with things like smoking. Of course the kid didn't write on his app that he smoked because the parent had to sign it...or the parent wrote the kid didn't smoke, thinking he didn't...of course he got to college and found himself w/ a roommate that hated smoke. It usually all got worked out, though - everyone understood what was going on. Same with parents requesting things like the 24 hour quiet dorm and the no visitation floor. Maybe some of those kids wanted to be there, but some definitely did NOT.