For the ladies.. "Why aren't you married?"

[Velocity_14]

I'm just not ready. If my current boyfriend is then one, then the time will come and we will be in position if/when the time is right. However, I am still young and more concerned with getting all of my ducks in a row first. I just want the finances to be right on BOTH sides, stable jobs in place...stuff like that. I'm trying to be on God's time and not my own...

[BlueReign]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Hey, firstly, you are not cynical. Whoever is saying that to you, ought to be mindful of his or her words.

Secondly, a cheating spouse: That is key in SELECTING your mate NATURALLY... You WILL know when your spouse cheats if you have been hurt before. There are telltale signs. One has to live an a bunch of denial to not need the flags, herrings and caution tapes. I mean, do you think most folks have that much stealth that they would NEVER get caught? Crap like, staying out all night, hangups and phone calls during crazy hours, called from creditors as to when to pick up or drop off big ticket items, missed special days and holidays... Stupid stuff. Besides, if you and your family love you alot, do you think that God would allow you to be immersed into that lunacy?

What I find in my past utterly failed relationships, was I was doing ALL the bolstering to make the relationship work, while the man was pimping me. That is when I called it quits.

I can see why many ladies are fearful, or gunshy or leery about future relationships, it burns alot when one fails. I know. If you stop yourself from feeling because of the fear of painful memories, you also stop yourself from feeling the joys of everlasting love. You just take the good with the bad and hopefully, the good outweighs the bad. There is give and take and sometimes you will be doing more of the giving and he will be doing more of the taking...

But when you say those marriage vows, you have to MEAN them and make for them NEVER to be broken or cast asunder. Marriage is a judge of character for BOTH people...

I think young people today grew up with more divorced homes. For the most part they really have seen oogobs of marriages succeed. But for some reason, young people DESIRE marriage and they are investigating how to MAKE it work between two people.

However, your issue sounds more like folks defining you and your relevance--i.e. if you are not married, then you are not.... I know that is a bogus crap antiquated thing to do, but until those folks die, and renewed definers of the world create a different epistemology, you are going to get that. If you do not choose to be married, the so be it. Great choice. But, if you truly desire marriage when you meet the right person, a great choice also, but there is more to it that just a wedding...

Wow! Good stuff AKAMonet. We owe you for that advice. I see a lot of good stuff here. DSTChaos, that was right on time.

Soror Ninja, my parents had the same kind of marriage. They went through some stuff before I was born. I overheard my father ask my mother for forgiveness a few years before he passed. I think the fact that women are not as dependent on their husbands financially is why marriages don't last. Women feel like they don't have to put up with stuff to keep a roof over their heads so they don't. But then what you have is a lot of "pretend" couples, like Soror tld said.

[BlueReign]

I need to print this one out and tape it somewhere. Love the responses especially the one about bridal showers. If I ever get married again, I'm requesting that yall do not give me a shower. I don't care for babyshowers either.

Thanks Benzgirl!

Originally Posted by Benzgirl

I hate this question and I get it at least once each week.

My responses depend on my mood and who is asking. Here are some of them....

• "You now owe me $20 bucks." (I don't tell them why and really have no reason that I said it)
• "why should I, your marriage didn't last" (Only to someone I don't like)
• "I'm not a serial bride like you are" (ditto, and I did say it twice.)
• "So you are on marriage number 3 and you are 35 years old. You have used up my share of weddings."
• "Didn't you marry and divorce one of your ex-husbands twice?"
• "I hate silly games at bridal showers"
• "Is this a proposal?" (the guy must be worthly of this response)
• "I'm a liberal"
• "I'm impossible to live with" (there is a lot of truth to this answer)
• "I can't live on a schedule" (all truth)
• "I don't need to"
• "Why"
• "I plan to be a hermit after I retire" (I say that one all the time to my mother)
• "There is no room for anyone to move into my house" or "there is no closet space left" or "I have too much furniture to make room for anyone else" (all truth)

But, all I really want to say is, "none of your G. D. Biz"

[Benzgirl]

Originally Posted by BlueReign

I need to print this one out and tape it somewhere. Love the responses especially the one about bridal showers. If I ever get married again, I'm requesting that yall do not give me a shower. I don't care for babyshowers either.

Thanks Benzgirl!

Glad I could be of assistance. Now, I'm rehearsing "my list" for the family gathering this afternoon. Although, there are several family members who now know better than to ask me.

[DSTCHAOS]

She's the one who called herself bitter as a woman when it comes to marriage and a cynic.

I guess she would know herself better than anyone else would.

[tld221]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

She's the one who called herself bitter as a woman when it comes to marriage and a cynic.

I guess she would know herself better than anyone else would.

maybe "bitter" is a harsh word.

i agree with most of what yall have said. and honestly, IF the right person comes along and im feeling it, sure, break out wedding bells. and i dont base my decision of not wanting to be married on just my parents' failed marriage, but off other marriages - grandparents, uncles, cousins, family friends, etc. its hard to imagine a happy marriage for myself because i didnt grow up around it. in similar fashion, i cant see myself having children and enjoying it because ive never seen any joy from parents that i know. it always seems more like a job than a joy, a burden rather than a blessing.

Soror BlueReign is right -

Women feel like they don't have to put up with stuff to keep a roof over their heads so they don't.

my mother aside, ive never had to depend on anyone - a man or otherwise - to support me. and i dont mean that in a "im a strong independent woman so there!" way, but i've always done things by myself or for others. sure, i know there are a few things a man can do for me that i cant but really i been starring/directing/producing/writing my own show. why share those royalties when i could possibly get duped?

take a chance on love? pshaw. whatever man. im not convinced.

[starang21]

Originally Posted by Little32

There is a really easy way to determine if someone is married: look for a ring. If someone asks me that, I assume one of two things (given that I am not wearing gloves) 1) he's not particularly observant; 2) he sees that I have no ring and just enjoys asking stupid questions. Either way, that question ends up working more against him then for him.
A more appropriate question, if you are trying to get to know her, is are you seeing anyone.

the ring isn't always an indicator. i've had a myriad of women give me their numbers that wore rings. i'll usually make a comment about their husband, fiance, dude, ect to see if they're with someone. oft times they'll be like "my what?" i guess the ring is to deter cornballs or something.

oh yea, eff love.







dang that was an old ass post i just quoted, LOL

[neosoul]

I usually just keep drinking whatever alcoholic beverage is in my hand and give them a blank look... they walk away after 3 mins

[aideclaire]

Originally Posted by neosoul

I usually just keep drinking whatever alcoholic beverage is in my hand and give them a blank look... they walk away after 3 mins

right.

[Benzgirl]

I didn't get any $20 bills today or have to give any snarky comments, which meant no one asked. Merry Christmas!

[rhoyaltempest]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Everyone has their own baggage. We deal with it, accordingly.

Most people are so afraid of being hurt or disappointed. After they've scared all the potentials away and ruined enough relationships, they say "there are no good men/women out here" or "God meant for me to be unmarried (which is possible however it often isn't)."

This is sooooo true. When I decided that God didn't mean for me to get married, that's when I found my mate (or my mate found me) and it was just around the time that I was really starting to get used to the idea of not getting married. So I truly believe now that when God is ready, he will send you someone just for you. Until that time, live life to the fullest and work on becoming the best you that you can be. You should be a whole and complete person before you marry another whole and complete person anyway so if you have things to work on (and most of us do), maybe this is the reason you are still single.

[Dionysus]

Originally Posted by tld221

I'm single.
I'm young.
I have no kids.
I have no desire to get married.

Originally Posted by tld221

maybe "bitter" is a harsh word.

i agree with most of what yall have said. and honestly, IF the right person comes along and im feeling it, sure, break out wedding bells. and i dont base my decision of not wanting to be married on just my parents' failed marriage, but off other marriages - grandparents, uncles, cousins, family friends, etc. its hard to imagine a happy marriage for myself because i didnt grow up around it. in similar fashion, i cant see myself having children and enjoying it because ive never seen any joy from parents that i know. it always seems more like a job than a joy, a burden rather than a blessing.

Once again, we are ---->here<------

I would like to add that I find the concept of marriage itself unappealing, even if they are successful. I cannot IMAGINE staying with ONE person for REST of my life! I would die of boredom, or do a hell a lot of cheating.

[rhoyaltempest]

Originally Posted by tld221

I'm single.
I'm young.
I have no kids.
I have no desire to get married.

I dont want to take this thread too off-topic, but i never grew up with a desire to be married. My parents were married, and it wasnt exactly something to look forward to. And then they divorced, and that DEFINITELY wasn't something to look forward to. Of course there are very positive marriages that DO last til death do them part, but i dont know anyone who can testify.

and another thing, to be honest, i'm really bitter as a woman when it comes to marriage. I know infidelity is a two-way street, but if you vow to be this man's everything, through thick and thin and all of that... you give your whole LIFE and self to this one person - kids and all - and in return you get the shaft?

He gets to leave, start all over. I'm left to raise the kids and restore a life and home for them and myself, and still move on? Why would i set myself up for that?

So on the off-chance that i am asked "Why aren't you married?" my response is typically "I don't want to get married." Which opens a whole can of worms that i almost never feel like defending, because its always met with "oh, well you havent met the right one..."

well doesn't EVERYONE who gets married think they met the "right one," and then 52% of them realize they dont? i actually believe that 52% of people who divorce are the ones who have the courage to go through with the divorce legally. how many couples out there are legally married but aint ever been a couple, or stopped being one? or are separated? or have an arrangement?

as you can tell, i'm a cynic. but im also young, so maybe i have a few years of learning.

I know it's hard to think out of the box when you've seen the same things over and over in marriages but remember that your relationship can be whatever you want it to be. I think the thing that can set some couples up for divorce is that they do the same things that they saw others do. Sometimes it's not necessary or good to repeat the habits of other couples. One thing I've learned in my marriage is that you don't have to follow anyone's example of what a marriage should be and what the rules and roles are. Do what's best for you and your spouse; do what you want to do and how you want to do it. Handle your finances differently if you want. Brake those traditional roles if you want and do what works best for your unique relationship. Who says that there is only one example of how to have a good marriage? Maybe the popular or traditional example is not the best example and never was. We have to remember that the old/traditional model of an independent male and dependent female no longer works in most cases and probably never should have so we have to create new models. This is the challenge for young couples today.

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by Dionysus

Once again, we are ---->here<------

I would like to add that I find the concept of marriage itself unappealing, even if they are successful. I cannot IMAGINE staying with ONE person for REST of my life! I would die of boredom, or do a hell a lot of cheating.

LOL but honesty is a great thing.

[ntrestednsgr]

I am not married, because I refuse to ask. I figure when he's good and ready to do more than size me for a ring he will ask. The funny thing about my situation is his mom thinks that all women who are 13 to 45 who are not married and have no children are losers. <===This was my Happy New Year tip.