Frustrated by boys - Page 6

Miami1839 · #76 01-19-2002, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
I don't thnk Amy said she didn't like him because he was too nice. She is just sayin he is very nice, which probably makes it harder to break the news to him. People keep forgeting that no matter how "nice" you are ( and I am not sure what that means anyway) there still has to be some type of physical attraction or sparks to seperate a lover from a friend. And isn't that usually the diference? A friend is a nice person we like but usually don't sleep with?

But Amy, if you keep leading the poor guy on the least you can do is escalate the physoical relationship for him. Because you are the one creating the expectation. I hope he is not spending a lot of money on you.

So which would be easier, telling him you don't like him and offending him (and ladies mostly guys ae offended instead of being hurt) or sleeping with him. You might not want to answer that in a public forum.

James, I see what your saying. When I finished writing that I thought of that notion. I can see how it would be difficult in certin instances to cut off a relationship with someone you saw as more of a friend. However, I will say relationships take work, but then again if its not there its not there. I think everyone should be burned one good time to really face reality. At least the girls that think they are going to make a player into a loving husband.

James · #77 01-19-2002, 03:21 PM

Kev,

People usually take the high road and say they don't want to break up because they don't want to hurt the other person . . . but if we were all a little more honest with ourselves we would realize that we don't want to break up because we don't want to deal with the scene.

We don't like direct uncomfortable emotional confrontation, the thought is pretty bad. We don't want to feel guilty or defensive. Also, a lot of pople don't really want to be alone so they second guess themselves when it comes to burning a bridge.

As far as the player vs. Nice guy or gentlman, a lot of people seem to think these are two completely different sides of the spectrum.

You can be smooth and still be a nice gentleman, and you will pick up a lot of women that way, just as many as if you were the proverbial jerk. But if you are wishy washy, your just not going to date as much. It sucks but its true. The meek may inherit the earth, but probably not until everyone else is finished with it anyway.

We should never expect a new universe to be born to make up for our lack of skills in the existing one.

amycat412 · #78 01-19-2002, 10:39 PM

OK I should clarify a few things...

One, he is not spending $$ on me. That's part of the problem. Not that someone has to drop a lot of cash--but this guy is all about the "come over and bring a pizza with you" thing. The dinner he took me out to last night was the first meal he bought me in 6 weeks. So I guess I feel like a pretentious bitch by saying this bothers me--but it does. I'm 32 and I need someone who is a bit more organzied and established in their career.

Two, his being nice isn't the problem. Its what I really like about him. He is genuine and unpretentious and sweet. I am just not attracted to him for a number of reasons, the most important one being I can run circles around him intellectually and my idea of a good time is not having to stop and define every 4th word for him.

Three, we just don't have much in common. I'm a writer and screenwriter. He doesn't go to the movies, doesn't like movies, etc. That's just one example, there are more. It bothers me that he didn't go to college--and that makes me feel like a bitch, but, it does bother me.

And yes, better for me to end it now and not prolong it-- but I never know quite how to end things. I do think he knows where I'm at and where I'm coming from and wouldn't be suprised by it, but that doesn't make it any easier for me.

I like him as a person, I don't want to be his girlfriend--that's the bottom line.

Amy

Peaches-n-Cream · #79 01-19-2002, 11:10 PM

Amy,
I think that you need to end it. There is nothing bitchy about having standards. Now telling him the reasons that you aren't interested in him would be. Six weeks is the point where things turn into a relationship not just casual dating. Tell him that you like him and respect him as a friend, but that you think you don't have what it takes to be a couple. It's hard, I know, but in the long run he keeps his dignity and self-respect. And maybe you have a friend. Good luck.

Miami1839 · #80 01-20-2002, 01:01 AM

James,

I understand where your coming from. It doesnt mean that I agree with it or like it. I just dont understand why you have to read into women and why they give you such a hard time to just tell you how it is. I can understand how things can be uncomfortable but I would rather someone be upfront with me then to string me along and leave me hoping. Its just the way things are I guess.

Amy,

I'm sorry. I really shouldnt have gotten into it. Its none of my business and again I'm sorry. Still in my rut.

amycat412 · #81 01-20-2002, 02:09 AM

Thanks Cream and Kevin and James.

I guess I am just beating myself up over it because it seems like I never like ANYONE and I wonder what is wrong with me that that has been the case for so long...

And this guy, well, I've held on for this long because I thought maybe I was being harsh and/or looking for reasons not to like him....

I do know now that that is not the case--that, as Cream put it, we just don't have what it takes to be the kind of couple I want and need to be when I am in a relationship.

Amy

Miami1839 · #82 01-20-2002, 02:42 AM

Your Welcome Amy

AOPiLaLa · #83 01-21-2002, 10:24 AM

Amy--
I totally understand what you are going through. I dated a guy when I first moved up here and he was nice but I was just not attracted to him. And he was a HUGE partyer, which was great at first, but after awhile, I was really sick of being out till 4am and trying to be a normal human the rest of the weekend. What made me mad though is he was a cool guy and I could have seen us being friends, but when I told him that(and I SWEAR I was really nice about it), he seemed fine with it and then never called me again. I called him once or twice after that and he was very short on the phone and would never return my messages. So, I stopped calling. I still see him out sometimes and he says hi but acts very cool. So guys, I guess if we have enough guts to be good about things and not lead you on, please try and be nice and stay our friends. I know there are all kind of different stories and ways of looking at this, but I wish things would have been different.

James · #84 01-21-2002, 08:57 PM

Yeah, but sometimes we don't want to be your friend. We have them already. We wanted a romantic interest. If you don't want that, its is cool, but why should we hang out with you anway? What would be our motivation?

ITs a hell of a lot more honest than the guys that pretend to be your friends and secretly have crushes on you.

*shrug* just a guys point of view.

Quote:

Originally posted by AOPiLaLa
Amy--
I totally understand what you are going through. I dated a guy when I first moved up here and he was nice but I was just not attracted to him. And he was a HUGE partyer, which was great at first, but after awhile, I was really sick of being out till 4am and trying to be a normal human the rest of the weekend. What made me mad though is he was a cool guy and I could have seen us being friends, but when I told him that(and I SWEAR I was really nice about it), he seemed fine with it and then never called me again. I called him once or twice after that and he was very short on the phone and would never return my messages. So, I stopped calling. I still see him out sometimes and he says hi but acts very cool. So guys, I guess if we have enough guts to be good about things and not lead you on, please try and be nice and stay our friends. I know there are all kind of different stories and ways of looking at this, but I wish things would have been different.

Peaches-n-Cream · #85 01-21-2002, 09:20 PM

You're welcome, Amy. How did it go?
James, as always, you make a good point.
The fact is that the guy that you don't want romantically is someone else's dream come true. In other words, one woman's frog is another woman's Prince Charming!

AOPiLaLa · #86 01-22-2002, 09:47 AM

Okay, I will agree with that--the guys that pretend to just be your friend but really have crushes on you can be hard too. Maybe its just me--I had a lot of guy friends in college, some of whom I had dated and some I had not, but in the end, we were all pretty much friends, before and after break ups or hook ups. I've only been out for 2 years, so maybe I am still looking for that. On another sidebar--and the start of this whole thread--I have a date with the guy tommorow. I will keep you all updated!

amycat412 · #87 01-22-2002, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cream
You're welcome, Amy. How did it go?

I haven't done anything about this yet... I need to this week, for sure, its not fair to him to leave him in limbo.

justamom · #88 01-22-2002, 03:19 PM

AOPiLaLa -I for one will be waiting for DETAILS!

amycat412-No matter how hard you try, if there isn't chemistry it just won't work! The other person could be a saint but... I know there are many who can say "I grew to love him/her" but for me, if I didn't have a heart pounding, stomach flipping response right off the bat-I knew I never would. You are right, the sooner you let him know, the better.You are doing the RIGHT thing!

amycat412 · #89 01-22-2002, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by justamom

amycat412-No matter how hard you try, if there isn't chemistry it just won't work! The other person could be a saint but... I know there are many who can say "I grew to love him/her" but for me, if I didn't have a heart pounding, stomach flipping response right off the bat-I knew I never would. You are right, the sooner you let him know, the better.You are doing the RIGHT thing!

Thank you JAM. I KNOW you're right. I say it all the time-- I MUST be swept away with the emotion of it. I am a passionate, firey person by nature, so nothing less will do for me.

But, I am admittedly a WUSS when it comes to ending things.

I am making a pledge to you all to let this guy know this week!

Amy

Peaches-n-Cream · #90 01-24-2002, 01:36 AM

A friend sent this e-mail to me. I thought you might be amused.

There was this "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose from among many men, for her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder that's further up?" So up they go.
Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they go.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."
Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please."
"Brighten up someone else's day...and Smile