Selling Parents to Allow Sorority Membership

[amanda6035]

Yep, I'm the almost Big Sister....

Basically, it's like this: whoever said it hit the nail on the head. They are holding EVERYTHING over her head. The fact that she still lives under their roof and will obey their rules. They at one point were going to let her move into the dorms next semester but are now saying no to that (but who knows what can change in the next 3 months). basically, the fact that they still feed and support her is what is holding her back.

The REASON I joined the military is so that i DIDNT need mom and dad to put a roof over my head and food in my mouth. I found a way to say "I'm doing this, and you cant stop me, because there is nothing you can hold over my head to keep me from surviving." Had I stayed at home, i probably would have gone through something SIMILAR, but mom and dad would have let me have a life too.

The new member basically doesnt have any guts to stand up to her parents and say "This is something i really want to do. Please support me on this." She thinks it is easier to give in to what her mom wants than to challenge her. And I dont necessarily mean REBEL against her mom, but she wont even try to work a compromise out of her mom.

The thing I DONT understand though, is that her mom knew about the sorority in June, when we met her at orientation. SUDDENLY out of nowhere, after she's already joined, her mom is telling her "I dont want you hanging out with those girls, I dont want you out partying and drinking."

First of all, the only "partying" we've done since she joined was to go to Chili's for dinner and a couple of games of bowling on the evening of bid day. We've NEVER taken her to a party, we've NEVER taken her drinking.

Somethign that didnt occur to me, but two of our other members pointed out, is that she might be digging her own grave. Because she hangs out with the guys in one of the fraternities ALOT. She's dating one of them, which is no big deal, mommy has met the guy, but what was brought to my attention is that when mom calls in the afternoon and evening to find out where she is, she very well might be saying "I'm hanging out with the girls" when, in reality, shes not with us, she's with the guys.

Now, I dont know if thats true, but if she is using us as an excuse, and goes home smelling like smoke or whatnot every night, its no damn wonder her mom doesnt like us, and she's digging her own grave.

As Trish mentioned, we're having a family and friends night next week, I hope her parents wont NOT come out of spite, and I hope they will be open minded about it. The chapter president and I are meeting with her today, I've about exhausted everything I can say to her about standing up for herself without necessarily rebelling. I think the pres can pull more out of her cause she'll be more direct about it than I can.

She wants it, I know she does, but she doesnt have the courage to stand up to her mom. She's afraid of being cut off. I dont know. I'm so heartbroken about this, because I busted my butt over the summer recruiting her (yeah, we dont have official panhellenic, I kept in touch with her by email, but I tried to play nice and promote greek life in general in those emails - I cant help that she chose us *wink*) and now that we got her I dont want to lose her. I guess as Trish pointed out, my personality type is "I'm gonna do what i wanna do and if you dont like it screw you" and I just dont understrand how some people cant stand up for themselves.

[amanda6035]

You’re invited!

Alpha Xi Delta would like to invite all family and friends of sisters (and potential sisters!) at Southern Polytechnic State University for a special evening to learn about Alpha Xi Delta.

What is Alpha Xi Delta?

How can Alpha Xi Delta help my daughter academically?

What kinds of scholarship opportunities are available for my daughter, as an Alpha Xi Delta?

How can Alpha Xi Delta prepare my daughter for the professional business world?

What is Choose Children?

What can I do to make my daughter’s experience in Alpha Xi Delta the best that it can be?

What other kinds of opportunities will my daughter have a chance to be a part of?

I have some concerns about sororities in general. Can you help me understand?

When: Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Time: 8:00pm

Where: Community Center on campus

Why: To meet the girls of Alpha Xi Delta and to learn more what we’re about!

*Come hungry! Hamburgers and Hot Dogs will be served.

We're planning on having cards on each table with some information, some of the answers to these questions, and we'll have girls float and mingle and answer other questions the parents may have, etc etc. Hopefully, all the parents will take advantage of this opportunity. I hope so anyway.

*ETA* adpiucf, I actually DID write a personal letter to her parents to send with the invitation. I dont want to take up a bunch of MORE space on this thread, but the letter was basically selling them the way I tried to sell her. If anybody is interested in seeing it, let me know and I'll PM it to you, or post it if other people dont mind.

[adpiucf]

Oh Amanda,

(((Hug)))

It's not easy to be a really strong person and watch someone who isn't so strong going through something. I admire you so much for taking on this NM as your little and being there for her as a sister, sponsor and friend. Hang in there, and know that regardless of the outcome that she will grow and learn from this experience, and her life will have been enriched by knowing you and Alpha Xi. And you will come out this stronger, wiser and more loyal to your sisterhood.

Keep doing what you're doing. Have patience. Let your sis decide when it's time to grow up. It's not easy to go against your parents-- esp. parents like these. It's definitely time to cut the apron strings, but the NM has to be the one who is ready to do it.

[Kevin]

Well, the option is always on the table that this young lady could just stop telling her mom about what she does in her personal life. It sounds like mom's abusing that a lot.

She needs to get the heck out of her parents' house though. No one who is out of HS should have to put up with crap like that.

[MysticCat]

Originally posted by AGDLynn
((On a side note, I misread the title and thought it said Parents Sellling Sorority Membership!!))

I thought it meant that some people were selling their parents to get money for dues, formals, etc.

Originally posted by amanda6035
I just dont understrand how some people cant stand up for themselves.

She's never learned how -- these parents certainly weren't going to teach her. Better the hell you know than the hell you don't know.

I watched a similar thing happen in college -- the best you can do is be supportive and try to nudge things along without pressuring her. As you're getting to know her better, share your own story with her, without adding the "I did it, so can you" moral -- let her do with it what she will.

That said, perhaps the best way you can sell über-Mama on your group is by playing on her zeal to make sure her daughter is being looked after. Show her you will be real sisters and that you all look out for each other.

On the other hand, that may trigger Mama's biggest fear -- that her daughter won't need her anymore.

[AchtungBaby80]

Originally posted by paulaKKG
I strongly recommend someone hand her a copy of an Adult Children of Alcoholics self help book. The mother may not be an alcoholic, but her controlling behavior has the same effect.

Another book that might be helpful is Toxic Parents...I'm not exactly sure who the author is, but it's a pretty well-known book. My psychiatrist recommended it when I was dealing with some issues concerning one of my own parents, who means well but is extremely controlling, and I found it to be pretty helpful. But as someone said, ultimately she has to seek out help on her own--nothing will change if she isn't willing to.

[paulaKKG]

I hate to make the same point twice but I have to reiterate - You can sell this woman's mother on the sorority thing and you will not solve the problem - the mother will only move to the next controlling thing. Frankly, I don't think there's a thing you can tell this mother anyway that will change her opinion of the sorority (her issue has nothing to do with the sorority and everything to do with control - you might as well be the chess club, that is not her point).

I know this type of parent too well (both personally, and from friends). When an individual has been raised to have her decisions questioned, and when it becomes easier to submit than challenge, the individual becomes a ticking time bomb of destruction.

I'm going to go out on a limb here, but based on past experience I am going to catagorize this NM's behavior and say:
- The NM does not have confidence in her decisions, she has a very low self esteem about her decision making ability
- She has a hard time saying no, and may have issues both with doing to much (workaholic), drinking too much, taking drugs, or seeking out sexually dangerous behavior (unprotected sex, multiple partners, etc). Or she may become anorexic or bulemic, if the elements of control extend to body image and/or food.
- If she does not already do these things, she will - this individual is like a rubber band being stretched - when it snaps it will swing wildly the other way and could be deadly destructive.

GET HER HELP NOW.

If you don't know how to help her, seek the advice of a psychologist or other advisor trained to handle these situations.

[amanda6035]

She said the hell with it. She was tired of dealing with the parents and it would just be easier to quit. Her parents backed out on coming to family night. How insecure must you be with yourself, that as two grown adults you wont even give something a chance?

You know whats so damn funny though???? Monday night her mother called me. She was asking if I knew where she was, and I was like "Honestly, i havent seen her, I dont know."

Why did she call me? Because I'm the only person whose number she has - and thats because I sent them that 'f-blankin' letter, trying to do a good thing. Woman, don't CALL ME, to hunt down your daughter, when you wont give me or my organization the time of day. Dont CALL ME because your daughter is purposely ignoring your calls because you have her on too tight of a leash. I gave you my number if you had questions about the sorority. I did not give it to you so you could call me every time your daughter decided to not answer her phone.

it got to be too emotionally draining. When she finally said "the hell with it" I didnt even fight her anymore. Sometimes you gotta know when to give up, and at this point, I was so upset that anger was taking over. Even if she had have stayed and i had gotten her as a little, it would have always been in the back of my mind "when is she going to leave us high and dry?"

like I said, i'm so upset about the situation that the anger has kicked in and I'm just MAD about it. But whatever. you know why? because my actual little sister, (the one I received at retreat last weekend), brought a classmate/PNM to Family and Friends night last night (because it was recruiting the parents, why not recruit PNMs too, it was like a COR event also). Most of us had been to dinner with her and were planning on extending her a bid. She was absolutely thrilled last night when we gave her the bid and she accepted. YAY!

[KSUViolet06]

Unfortunate situation, but no reason to get mad. You have more awesome NM's in your chapter to get to know!

[valkyrie]

Eh, I'd be mad too.

I cannot fathom why parents would want to be so controlling of their adult children.

[33girl]

Originally posted by MysticCat81
She's never learned how -- these parents certainly weren't going to teach her. Better the hell you know than the hell you don't know.

Yeah, this reminds me of one of my good friends from HS who was not ALLOWED to go off to college (but her brothers were) or do anything...I wouldn't be surprised if she's never been on a date and is still living at home, and she's 38.

I used to try to get her to do things, but it just got to be pointless.

[amanda6035]

I'll get over it, its just some of the guys in one of the fraternities keeps asking me about it and I'm like "look, I dont wanna talk about it, I'm too upset and mad right now, so just give me time to get over it."

I'm super excited about our newest girl though. the grin on her face when we gave her the bid was amazing. YAY!

[SmartBlondeGPhB]

Her mother called YOU? Oh, I would have let the woman have it over that one............

Stories like this really make me appreciate my parents who allowed me to make all the mistakes I wanted.

[amanda6035]

Yeah, the same woman who asked if I was a dyke because I offered to let her daughter stay at my place rather than driving 20 miles home on a late night. yes. the same woman who told her daughter the minute I left their house after meeting me that she just didnt like me (for what reason I have no idea). So then, trying to smooth things over, I wrote this very parent friendly letter, inviting them to come to parents night and sent it with the invitation. I guess i made the mistake of giving my cell number at the bottom in case she had any questions.

you know what, just to satify my curiosity, I'm going to post the letter i sent her parents. youve seen the invitation. I cant understand why her parents are so danged selfish and controlling. Sounds to me like Mama has some regrets about her own college days and is doing everything in her power to make life a living hell for hr daughter.


Here's the letter

September 21, 2005
Dear Mr. and Mrs. {name},

It was a pleasure meeting you both over the weekend. I had a great time and I hope to see you both again soon.

Alpha Xi Delta is hosting a Family and Friends Night next Tuesday, September 27th at 8:00pm in the student center at Southern Poly. I hope you can come; it’s going to be an exciting evening. We will have refreshments and all guests (other parents, friends, and sisters) will have the opportunity to mingle and ask questions to understand what Alpha Xi Delta offers her members. Advisors and supporting alumnae will also be in attendance, so if you have any questions that you need answered from a parents point-of-view, this will be an excellent time to utilize these resources.

Alpha Xi Delta has so much to offer "Suzy". We can offer her leadership experiences and officer training with other collegiates in the Southeast (women from other Alpha Xi Delta chapters in Georgia, Alabama and Tennessee join us for these events) with the help from national leaders. Alpha Xi Delta also looks good on a resume, because women in Alpha Xi Delta are known to be leaders on campus. Women who make things happen and make a difference in campus life and activities are almost always sorority women. We are serious about academics; the fact that we have the highest All Greek GPA on campus is proof of that. We have our weekly scheduled meetings on Tuesday evenings so that they don’t interfere with any of our class schedules, because academics are such a high priority for us. Also during our meetings, we have an Academic Achievement report. During this report we reward women who make A’s and B’s on any kind of assignment (test, quizzes, projects, homework grades). At the end of the semester, we hold our last meeting 2 weeks before the end of classes to ensure that nothing is interfering with study preparation for Final Exams. The best part of Alpha Xi Delta and academics is there are so many scholarship opportunities available.

We have had so much fun with "Suzy" since she joined. We love having her around. Every girl who joins adds something special to our sisterhood. Understandably, many parents have questions when their child joins a university sponsored organization. That’s why we’re hosting the Family and Friends Night and I hope you’ll take advantage of it. Alpha Xi Delta at SPSU offers a unique experience unlike other universities. We value learning how to become professional young women who have high academic, professional and personal standards. Alpha Xi Delta's mission is to inspire women to realize their potential and at SPSU we take that seriously.

Again, thank you for your hospitality and inviting me over this weekend. I really enjoyed meeting you. I hope to see you on Tuesday. Please feel free to call or email me as listed below if you have any questions.

Sincerely,


Amanda XXX
Financial Vice President/Recording Secretary
Alpha Xi Delta – Iota Theta Chapter
Email: XXX@spsu.edu
Cell: 555-555-5555

Dang crazy woman. I swear, if she calls me again....it's gonna take ALOT to be a better person, cause I really just wanna tell her where to stuff it.

[AchtungBaby80]

My Relationships professor would have a field day with this one--he's always going on about "enmeshment" and how inividuals who fail to differentiate end up having so many problems in life. Looks like he's right. I really hate to hear that she gave up the sorority, but this is only the tip of the iceberg. She will never be able to have a life if she keeps giving in to her mother like this. It's really, really sad.

By the way, that letter was great--I can't see how anyone would take offense at that. Well, any sane person, anyway.