Spouses of Ques

[QuietStorm236]

My husband just joined your fraternity. I am not greek. How do I fight this feeling of exclusion, now that he has a whole new world of line brothers , protocols and acquaintances that I know nothing about?

I am proud of his accomplishment, but can't help but feel like an outsider now.

[ladygreek]

Originally Posted by QuietStorm236

My husband just joined your fraternity. I am not greek. How do I fight this feeling of exclusion, now that he has a whole new world of line brothers , protocols and acquaintances that I know nothing about?

I am proud of his accomplishment, but can't help but feel like an outsider now.

Shouldn't you be talking to him about it instead of some strangers on a message board?

[QuietStorm236]

Originally Posted by ladygreek

Shouldn't you be talking to him about it instead of some strangers on a message board?

Respectfully, perhaps you or someone else can shed some light on a situation that I know nothing about?

[ladygreek]

Originally Posted by QuietStorm236

Respectfully, perhaps you or someone else can shed some light on a situation that I know nothing about?

I am in a sorority, therefore I don't feel excluded. So I can't shed any light on the subject for you. But I still say he's your husband-- talk to him about it.

[DSTCHAOS]

QuietStorm236

I don't know how long it will take for an Omega (probably Wolfman) to respond, so here's my take on it.

Talk to your husband first, as ladygreek stated. Tell him that you understand that he's experiencing something new and that it's so exciting for him. Tell him that you are also excited for him but do not want to feel lonely and alienated. Discuss your expectations of him and his expectations of you and whether expectations have changed now that he is an Omega. Hopefully they haven't changed but rather include a new commitment.

I assume he's graduate chapter. The wives of the graduate chapter brothers may be really nice and there might be events where you can mingle with them. It's a good idea to find people who can relate to your experience (without you giving them a sob story, of course) and attend some events so you can appreciate how hard your hubby works for Omega.

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

QuietStorm236
I assume he's graduate chapter. The wives of the graduate chapter brothers may be really nice and there might be events where you can mingle with them. It's a good idea to find people who can relate to your experience (without you giving them a sob story, of course) and attend some events so you can appreciate how hard your hubby works for Omega.

Co-sign. If you want to be involved in this aspect of his life, DSTCHAOS has given you a great way to get plugged in. If your issue is that his new love makes you uncomfortable, you may want to step back and consider why you feel that way.

[Alias_01]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

QuietStorm236

I don't know how long it will take for an Omega (probably Wolfman) to respond, so here's my take on it.

Talk to your husband first, as ladygreek stated. Tell him that you understand that he's experiencing something new and that it's so exciting for him. Tell him that you are also excited for him but do not want to feel lonely and alienated. Discuss your expectations of him and his expectations of you and whether expectations have changed now that he is an Omega. Hopefully they haven't changed but rather include a new commitment.

I assume he's graduate chapter. The wives of the graduate chapter brothers may be really nice and there might be events where you can mingle with them. It's a good idea to find people who can relate to your experience (without you giving them a sob story, of course) and attend some events so you can appreciate how hard your hubby works for Omega.

I think this is a pretty safe answer...but I also agree there maybe more to the story than him joining the frat. The majority of what the frat does is not secret. There are aspects which are held with more discretion and then there are things which are inappropriate...such as after I crossed I had to tell my significant other that it was not appropriate for her to bark and throw up the hooks. She just wanted to be supportive but it made it look like she was making a mockery of the organization I worked so hard to join.

I have line brothers who are married with kids and it becomes diffcult to manage the two when you are excited about being a neo and want to BE OWT with the bruhs. There really needs to be ALOT of communication between spouses. I have seen my LBs get into arguments with their wives because they are not explaining to them the importance of going to events and meetings and that the frat is not a social club but a large committment. Alot of women, especially non-greek just dont understand this...which leads them to think the worse when their man is hanging out with his frat brothers.

[Wolfman]

I want to tread carefully in this response but I will give this opinion: this is not a Greek issue as much as it is a relationship issue. In my past, I've seen similar dynamics most often in terms of the Christian context. I've talked with a husband who feels the same way when his wife "gets saved" and her love for God and his Church is perceived as threatening or displacing the relationship with the husband. Or a call to the ministry and the outworkings of the decision to follow that call can have the same effect. Or it could be the birth of a child in a relationship may be seen as drawing away the time, attention and love for the spouse to the detriment of the relationship.

Relationships are dynamic;we grow and change. Our relationships have to be deep enough and malleable enough to be renegotiated as we go through life changes. It's about trust and a shared vision of life together. Communication is the key, as many posters have rightly opined.

One a more personal note as it regards fraternity life, I've seen Brothers who loved Omega more than their wives. I met a Bruh at a picnic in LA whose wife hated the Fraternity because he used to put hanging out at the Frat house in the NJ town they lived in before they moved for her job before family time. One Saturday--their family day--after he came back from "bein' owt" at the Frat house instead of spending quality time with his wife and daughter, he found all his s@#t out on the porch, his wife angrily telling him, 'If you love your brothers so much you need to go live with them.' This is an extreme case. Most neophytes learn how to incorporate their newfound love--Omega--into their domestic life. In fact, in my experience of almost 30 years, Omega tends to be very family oriented. A older once told me that he was very suspicious of Brothers who isolated their families from their life in the Fraternity. It's expected that Brothers know each others spouses and children and they socialize together in appropriate contexts.

This is another life change which has to be incorporated into the warp and woof of the changing tapestry of your relationship, by mutual consent and work.

[ladygreek]

Originally Posted by Wolfman

I want to tread carefully in this response but I will give this opinion: this is not a Greek issue as much as it is a relationship issue.

Thus my trepidation.

[darling1]

Originally Posted by Alias_01

I have line brothers who are married with kids and it becomes diffcult to manage the two when you are excited about being a neo and want to BE OWT with the bruhs. There really needs to be ALOT of communication between spouses. I have seen my LBs get into arguments with their wives because they are not explaining to them the importance of going to events and meetings and that the frat is not a social club but a large committment. Alot of women, especially non-greek just dont understand this...which leads them to think the worse when their man is hanging out with his frat brothers.

its a shame that this happens. joining a fraternity or a sorority is a huge committment in terms of time and money. sounds to me that here is an example of there being a lack of communication b/w a husband and wife.

[SoEnchanting]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

QuietStorm236
I don't know how long it will take for an Omega (probably Wolfman) to respond, so here's my take on it.

Talk to your husband first, as ladygreek stated. Tell him that you understand that he's experiencing something new and that it's so exciting for him. Tell him that you are also excited for him but do not want to feel lonely and alienated. Discuss your expectations of him and his expectations of you and whether expectations have changed now that he is an Omega. Hopefully they haven't changed but rather include a new commitment.

I assume he's graduate chapter. The wives of the graduate chapter brothers may be really nice and there might be events where you can mingle with them. It's a good idea to find people who can relate to your experience (without you giving them a sob story, of course) and attend some events so you can appreciate how hard your hubby works for Omega.

QuietStorm, I just want to reiterate that DSTCHAOS gave a wonderful response here.

I actually am Greek, and was Greek long before I met my s/o and before he joined is graduate chapter, so while I can't completely relate to your post it reminded me of my initial feelings of insecurity when he first joined his fraternity, which is a part of the NPHC. I am in a multicultural sorority, which is relatively unknown to his older brothers. It seemed like most of their wives and were NPHC as well. I really wasn't sure how I'd be accepted by everyone, if at all. And to keep it real, deep down, I was afraid our relationship might change now that he had found all these new people.

The first step here is realizing that it's not about him and his organization. It's about you and your insecurities about a part of his life you have no control over. This is something you need to either work out on your own, or discuss with him ASAP. I think if you don't it will have implications throughout the rest of your relationship together.

Anyway, to finish my story... At the end of the day, I knew this was something that was important to him (because I know how important it would have been to me). And because of that, I made sure that I supported him. I put my best foot forward and attended events. And I can honestly say that I've gotten nothing but love and respect from each of his brothers, as well as their mates. Everyone has been super nice and if anything this experience has brought us closer. His extended family has become my family (or inlaws? lol), in a sense.

It worked out fine for me, and I hope you are able to make it work out for you.

[treblk]

QuietStorm236,
As already stated above, there are ways to get involved. As with many orgnizations, there are spouse-like support systems. There are several husbands of my sorors that are get together when we get together. They will drop off their wives, and go play glof, or whatever they feel like. They have become their own group I think it's so cute to see them together.

[ladygreek]

I don't know you all, but I was and am hesitant to delve into an answer here, because it sound like this is deeper than his joining Omega.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by ladygreek

I don't know you all, but I was and am hesitant to delve into an answer here, because it sound like this is deeper than his joining Omega.

It does seem like that.

Therefore, the answers given can apply to relationships where there weren't relationship issues before the person joined an organization.

[CrimsonTide4]

Originally Posted by treblk

QuietStorm236,
As already stated above, there are ways to get involved. As with many orgnizations, there are spouse-like support systems. There are several husbands of my sorors that are get together when we get together. They will drop off their wives, and go play glof, or whatever they feel like. They have become their own group I think it's so cute to see them together.

Also while he is out kicking it with his bruhs and handling Omega business, you have the house to yourself and time to hang with your girlfriends. Don't feel alienated but appreciate that he has a new positive affiliation in his life and that requires an adjustment from both of you.

Be supportive and don't nag him everytime he is off getting his Omega on. That's how you support him. Of course you can't know Omega secrets, but encourage him to invite a few of his Omega brothers and their wives/SOs over so you all can have a couples night.