Speak up or bite my tongue?

SydneyK · #1 08-25-2007, 11:30 AM

So, I was invited to present a talk as a guest lecturer at a university (not my alma mater). After the presentation and Q&A session, I went to lunch with some of the students who attended. We ate in the Student Union on campus.

The Student Union has tables where the sorority members all gather for meals, and flags hang over the tables indicating which tables are for which groups.

It just so happened that my group was sitting right between two sorority tables: the ABCs and the XYZs. And, they're right in the middle of rush.

So, during a lull in the conversation at our table, I overhear members of ABC (who were even wearing ABC shirts, so it wasn't just random people sitting at the ABC table) talking loudly about how bitchy XYZs are, and how they hope PNMs see just how awful they really are. They then proceeded to bad-mouth EVERY other group on campus.

This isn't the first time I've visited this campus, and it also isn't the first time I've experienced ultra-foul behavior from this chapter of ABC. And to top it all off, this chapter of ABC has struggled for a while.

I struggled with what to do. I obviously wasn't going to say anything since I was with a group of students who, as far as I knew, weren't aware of the conversation going on beside us. But I realllllllly wanted to go back to that table afterwards and say, "Look, you don't know me from Adam, and I heard every comment you just made. That was totally inappropriate!" But, I didn't.

I'm friends with an alum from another chapter of ABC, so I'm tempted to contact her and tell her this story. But I always hate to make waves. I know sorority members can harbor ill-will during rush, but this really was excessive... and quite public.

Anyone here have any suggestions? Am I making too much of it? These ABCs aren't doing anything positive for themselves by talking trash about the other groups, but that's not news to anyone here.

I'm just wishing these sorority members knew just how much people observe, even when they don't seem to be paying attention.

Senusret I · #2 08-25-2007, 11:48 AM

Senusret I · #3 08-25-2007, 11:49 AM

^^^ That was a joke.

But seriously, I think if you didn't talk to them as it happened, and it's not your organization, you should let it go.

SydneyK · #4 08-25-2007, 12:05 PM

You're probably right.

However, if someone witnessed my chapter doing this, I'd want to know about it. I might not even do anything about it once I knew, but at least I'd feel better prepared in case other things came up.

33girl · #5 08-25-2007, 12:05 PM

If they're the struggling chapter, they are just making themselves look like a bunch of sour grapes by dissing all the other groups in public. They're busy with their own destruction without your having to tip them off to the fact that they're asshats. So just let it go.

If your friend the ABC alum was from that chapter and knew the girls, I might mention it, but since she isn't anything she says is going to go in one ear and out the other.

UGAalum94 · #6 08-25-2007, 12:13 PM

does flagged tables for groups in the student union strike anyone else as seeming really middle school?

Senusret I · #7 08-25-2007, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlphaGamUGAAlum

does flagged tables for groups in the student union strike anyone else as seeming really middle school?

Nah.... I've visited schools where this existed and it was more like decoration. It was in no way territorial.

adpiucf · #8 08-26-2007, 03:01 PM

I agree with you, UGA, that people probably wouldn't be comfortable, but that is what makes me crazy-- Being direct is so much more effective to nip things in the bud. They might not be very nice about it, and they might talk smack about me after I left the table, but I'd bet money that they would think twice about what they say after that. And they'd probably tell other people about their experience-- which would make those people think twice about what they say, as well.

If I said something to my friends and someone overheard it and called me out on it then and there, I'd probably be so embarrassed that I'd watch my P's and Q's 24/7-- much more so than if my president had a private chat with me 2 weeks later or the chapter had to go through a workshop on "Public Relations" (I'd have likely forgotten I ever had such a conversation by that time).

Women are encouraged to be such passive creatures. We're encouraged to never directly confront situations. I hate that -- it severely limits us in our relationships with others, at work, you name it. Men have a serious leg up on us in that respect. Someone ticks them off-- they tell them.

If you have a problem with someone, even a stranger, and there's very little chance that person will retaliate against you, just you owe it yourself to tell them you were offended by their behavior.

Why? They'll be shocked into reality-- and you will probably do much more good by being direct-- both to empower yourself and to correct the other person while she is in the act.

UGAalum94 · #9 08-26-2007, 04:45 PM

I agree with you about being direct in most areas of like, and for me, it's not even all a question of being entitled to have your concerns addressed, which I agree with; it's about looking kind of foolish when you have to get other people to address your concerns.

(I have some work colleagues who when they run into routine difficulties go to a supervisory employee rather than approach a professional colleague directly, even about issues that objectively defined solutions, like how to get the textbooks that you have signed out. Did they have a lot of success getting their problems solved by tattling when they were kids and never learn to work things out for themselves?)

And it does tend to be women more than men who feel like it's both nicer and more appropriate to handle things this way. It's usually not; you could handle things much better on your own usually, and I agree that it shouldn't be a reflection on your femininity that you chose to, if you approach people politely.

The danger though with a public confrontation with a group of strangers though is that you are likely to lose control of the situation pretty quickly if it turns out that they aren't embarrassed and don't want to mend their ways.

So there's some risk that the situation could escalate, and you'd be part of how this group made Greek Life look bad rather than the person who helped them stop it. You just never know in advance exactly what you are going to get, and if it's an image based problem, how the situation appears to outsiders should be part of the solution, it seems to me.

NutBrnHair · #10 08-26-2007, 05:51 PM

Oh I would have gone back to the table and siad the "You don't know me from Adam, but..."

I would definitely tell your friend, the alumna...or I'd call the Panhellenic Advisor.

SydneyK · #11 08-27-2007, 09:04 AM

Like I said, I was with people who were seemingly unaware of the conversation. I didn't want to draw attention to it, so I didn't say anything at the time (although this is what I would've done if I had been alone). When I did get the opportunity to go back alone, the ladies were already gone.

I haven't done anything about it yet, and maybe I never will. But I'll certainly keep you all posted.

andrea981 · #12 08-27-2007, 11:49 AM

I think going to the panhellenic advisor is probably a better call than the alum, if you feel strongly that you do not want to let this go. Honestly, this situation might just be a few bad (and inappropriately vocal) apples in the sorority and if you go to the alum, headquarters may likely get notified and involved. While you might think this is warranted, I think that the chapter and panhellenic leadership themselves should be given a chance to handle the problem-girls before creating a bigger fuss than may be necessary.