Sisterly advice needed

[twinstarsweetie]

I have a very unusual story. I am returning to a chapter after taking a year off and it has come to my attention that some of the sisters greatly dislike me, through no fault of my own. There is a long-winded story but what it boils down to is jealousy; at one point my now-boyfriend made a pass at one of the sister (we weren't dating at the time) and since this sister and her friends don't like me because I am actually with him now, and we are very very serious. I LOVE theta, I have since I was a new member and it means so much to me; on the other hand I am not sure I can take the constant rumor mongering and snide comments that I have been receiving in the last couple of weeks. I don't even know these girls, they were initiated when I was gone; I don't think taking a gap year should mean that I give up my place in a sisterhood that fosters so much good. Up until this point I have tried to take the high road and ignore their comments and actions, blatant as they are, but I don't know how long I can keep that up. It's very emotionally taxing.

Any thoughts? Should I keep my status as a non-active sister? Should I confront them outright and ask for a standards meeting? Should I continue ignoring them? It seems such a shame to let the actions of a few taint how I feel about this society. I would really appreciate any words of wisdom here, I'm truly at a loss.

[HQWest]

Originally Posted by twinstarsweetie

I have a very unusual story. I am returning to a chapter after taking a year off and it has come to my attention that some of the sisters greatly dislike me, through no fault of my own. There is a long-winded story but what it boils down to is jealousy; at one point my now-boyfriend made a pass at one of the sister (we weren't dating at the time) and since this sister and her friends don't like me because I am actually with him now, and we are very very serious. I LOVE theta, I have since I was a new member and it means so much to me; on the other hand I am not sure I can take the constant rumor mongering and snide comments that I have been receiving in the last couple of weeks. I don't even know these girls, they were initiated when I was gone; I don't think taking a gap year should mean that I give up my place in a sisterhood that fosters so much good. Up until this point I have tried to take the high road and ignore their comments and actions, blatant as they are, but I don't know how long I can keep that up. It's very emotionally taxing.

Any thoughts? Should I keep my status as a non-active sister? Should I confront them outright and ask for a standards meeting? Should I continue ignoring them? It seems such a shame to let the actions of a few taint how I feel about this society. I would really appreciate any words of wisdom here, I'm truly at a loss.

I think you already answered your own question. It sounds like your sorority means a lot to you and you would really like to have it back. So take it back, girl!

You just have a bit of cold feet because you have been gone a while. Unless your sorority is so small that one little click of girls is going to be dominating every activity and every conversation? Odds are there is another click that doesn't like the way those girls are petty, catty, and gossipy - go hang out with them! Or start your own click. You only get one shot to have fun and take advantage of being a collegian.

[thetalady]

I don't know that remaining inactive is even an option for you.... Inactive status is a complicated thing.

Besides, you shouldn't let this run you out of your sisterhood!! Do you have a big sister to ask for help and advice? I will always suggest talking to people that you have a problem with directly before going to Standards. Standards might change their outward behavior, but will only make them more nasty behind your back.

Good luck, sweetie.

[DubaiSis]

Swerving in here. Actually, I think I'd be a bit more politic about it. Addressing them directly is just going to cause a firestorm. I might talk to someone you trust who has a certain amount of pull in the chapter (and is outside this battle) and see what she thinks. You may at least figure out which "team" you need to be on within the chapter. You may find you're overblowing this feeling against you, or you may find it does need to be dealt with head on. But tread gently.

And man oh man this is an old story. We had an UGLY one in our chapter because of a douchebag guy who seemed to only want to date girls in my house and girls who lacked the self-esteem to tell him where to jump. It ruined friendships and that's disgusting. But then the same story was told in "The Help," although you don't get the sense that guy was a d-bag, just dumped the byotch for a.... well, no need to tell the whole story here.

[twinstarsweetie]

Yeah, this is the second time this has happened with a girl in my sorority and this guy. I stand by him because we have been together through thick and thin at this point, working, living and paying bills together in the year we took off school. In the light of our very real relationship this drama with sisters seems so petty.

Thank you so much for your advice though, I do think I'm going to go active for this next semester partly because I found out that these girls are mostly all seniors and they will be gone at the end of the year. Also it seems the more girls get to know me, the more the hateful and untrue rumors are dissipated, thank god. I feel like I have that "new member glow" back again, I'm SO excited about rejoining and I don't want anything or anyone to get in the way of my excitement. I am going to tread lightly around the girl(s) that seem to have formed a clique against me, but in the end I have gotten to know the current president and I think she's fair and won't look the other way too much if they start being too horrid.

And yeah, I hadn't thought about it but this is just like The Help. Thank you ladies SO much for your support and kind words, I really needed them.

[IrishLake]

Some questions first....

They were initiated while you were gone, but are mostly seniors and are graduating at the end of this school year? Unusual, but not unheard of, I guess.

What about your Big? Did you have a "Kite Sis" or "Twin Star" who you bonded with during your new member period? What about the other girls in your pledge class? Did you get a chance to bond with them prior to taking your inactive status?

Just curious, it's none of my business, but why did you take a year off? Did you study abroad? But you and the boyfriend both taking a year off makes me wonder if that's not a part of the rumor mill problems.

And while I don't know your whole story, staying "inactive" may not be an option after one year. You either become active again, you ask for early alum status, or you resign your membership. If the latter is not an option (and really, it shouldn't be. They may be your sisters, but don't let them shove you out of the sisterhood), then go to someone whom you can trust and who can actually do something about it. If need be, contact an Advisor if nothing comes from your other attempts.

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

Some questions first....

They were initiated while you were gone, but are mostly seniors and are graduating at the end of this school year? Unusual, but not unheard of, I guess.

What about your Big? Did you have a "Kite Sis" or "Twin Star" who you bonded with during your new member period? What about the other girls in your pledge class? Did you get a chance to bond with them prior to taking your inactive status?

Just curious, it's none of my business, but why did you take a year off? Did you study abroad? But you and the boyfriend both taking a year off makes me wonder if that's not a part of the rumor mill problems.

And while I don't know your whole story, staying "inactive" may not be an option after one year. You either become active again, you ask for early alum status, or you resign your membership. If the latter is not an option (and really, it shouldn't be. They may be your sisters, but don't let them shove you out of the sisterhood), then go to someone whom you can trust and who can actually do something about it. If need be, contact an Advisor if nothing comes from your other attempts.

Re: bolded sections

I questioned the "seniors comment" also. And, FWIW, OP, we haven't used the term "standards" in a Very Long Time. (I'm not directing that at IL or at TL, I'm questioning why a relatively new member would use that term). So... is anyone else connecting any dots here?

Regardless, my second point is that "early alum status" does not exist in our Fraternity. Married members have the option of remain active, or asking for voluntary temporary inactivity. The Fraternity bylaws discuss this very specifically.

Third, why not give time time and see how things shake out in the days and weeks to come? As was pointed out in another thread on this forum, there is always going to be some friction and drama when that many people come together. Try to live by the principles of the Fraternity and see if that doesn't improve your situation. Remember, it takes two to engage and rage. You don't have to play in anyone's sandbox. You can stay "above the line" and stay out of trouble. Membership is for a lifetime, and this too shall pass.

[Greek_or_Geek?]

Would any NPC sorority allow a member to continue to be temporarily inactive as she matriculates through the same university she was initiated at? Maybe the scope of my experience is limited but it seems to me that at some point a decision would be required.

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

(I love it that AZ knows our bylaws so well, because I sure don't! lol. I'm glad my Advisorship role is Education, much less drama!)

HA HA HA! I need a Scholarship Advisor, how about you fill in long distance, right? Maybe then you'll stop beating me at Zuma Blitz! The only reason I know the answer is because I was asked the question and had to find out myself that we don't have that status (early alum). I believe other NPC sororities may offer it, but we don't! I think it's cool that a member who marries while enrolled in college can remain an active member if she so chooses.

Originally Posted by Greek_or_Geek?

Would any NPC sorority allow a member to continue to be temporarily inactive as she matriculates through the same university she was initiated at? Maybe the scope of my experience is limited but it seems to me that at some point a decision would be required.

Each sorority has its own rules/bylaws/policies and procedures governing inactivity. For Theta, inactivity may be granted for a specific time period for a variety of reasons, while a member continues to matriculate. I am not aware of any inactivity status lasting longer than a year, but it doesn't mean that hasn't happened.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by AzTheta

HA HA HA! I need a Scholarship Advisor, how about you fill in long distance, right? Maybe then you'll stop beating me at Zuma Blitz! The only reason I know the answer is because I was asked the question and had to find out myself that we don't have that status (early alum). I believe other NPC sororities may offer it, but we don't! I think it's cool that a member who marries while enrolled in college can remain an active member if she so chooses.

So her options are to remain active or resign her membership? Would marriage relieve her of her live-in obligations, for chapters with housing?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Greek_or_Geek?

Would any NPC sorority allow a member to continue to be temporarily inactive as she matriculates through the same university she was initiated at? Maybe the scope of my experience is limited but it seems to me that at some point a decision would be required.

Do you mean, she either has to be active or terminated?

I think it all depends on how much the chapter wants to pursue it, quite frankly. A chapter low on numbers who has no feeling one way or another about the girl is a TOTALLY different kettle of fish than one who has to turn away sisters they want because of an inactive still taking up space on the roll but not participating...or an inactive who plays havoc with the sorority's reputation.

[Greek_or_Geek?]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Do you mean, she either has to be active or terminated?

I think it all depends on how much the chapter wants to pursue it, quite frankly. A chapter low on numbers who has no feeling one way or another about the girl is a TOTALLY different kettle of fish than one who has to turn away sisters they want because of an inactive still taking up space on the roll but not participating...or an inactive who plays havoc with the sorority's reputation.

Oh I get that chapters would handle things differently depending on their situation and the sister, but I would think that at the point where the inactive sister is getting ready to graduate, what happens? I mean if someone is initiated their freshman year, leaves for a year sophomore year then comes back to campus but never reactivates, does she get to be an lifetime alumna when she graduates if no one does anything about it? I know, this is more rhetorical but it really got me to thinking since this poster seemed to believe she had many options.

Also (and I am guessing this would vary depending on groups) wouldn't the nationals eventually wonder why the inactive was still taking up a spot in total but not paying any dues?

[TheTrueGent]

Not a "sister", however we had a similar situation with my chapter. A guy came back from a year off as he was receiving an international degree in another country, certain guys didn't really know him but were unsure of him, he went active anyways and showed the naysayers the type of guy he was just by being around. My point being is that these girls don't know you, so they think it's ok to talk about you, but as you re assert yourself in the chapter they'll get to know you better and hopefully you can earn their respect and the rumors will dissipate.

I could be completely off base as fraternities are different from sororities, but just my .02 cents

[IrishLake]

(I love it that AZ knows our bylaws so well, because I sure don't! lol. I'm glad my Advisorship role is Education, much less drama!)

[twinstarsweetie]

Originally Posted by AzTheta

Re: bolded sections

I questioned the "seniors comment" also. And, FWIW, OP, we haven't used the term "standards" in a Very Long Time. (I'm not directing that at IL or at TL, I'm questioning why a relatively new member would use that term). So... is anyone else connecting any dots here?.

Regarding the bolded text, this girl was just initiated last spring as a junior. My chapter has a history of initiating juniors, so it's not that weird. She has many friends in her class (now seniors) which makes her going theta make more sense. My read of the situation is that these girls are simply playing "follow the leader" and thus the problem will leave when she does. Also I don't know why I call it standards, that's the term my theta mom used when I was a new member so it kinda stuck.

That aside I'm not going to engage them unless I have to. My nature is very non-confrontational but at some point I do need to stand up for myself, I too often let myself be bullied. I don't really have anyone in the chapter right now, my theta mom graduated, my big graduated and went inactive her last semester here besides. I didn't take a little before I left so I don't have any family, and the girls I was closest to graduated last year. That's part of the reason I reached out to this community, I was feeling very stressed and unsure and wanted to get a couple opinions from other thetas out there.

My boyfriend and I were living and working together during the time away from school, we were both overwhelmed and we had both really lost our ideas of ourselves in our time at college. We needed a breather and a reminder of how important our education is, like I mentioned we were dealing with most finical and social issues as a couple. I know that this can be hard to understand for the girls who have been in school without interruption, I NEVER wanted to come back and force myself on an unwilling chapter. I know that they're not going to see my point of view and I'm not fully going to see theirs. I just don't want one sister's prejudice to mold the chapter's idea of me before I even get a chance to know them.

Besides that, I don't think she has a reason to be upset at me. I have never spoken to the girl in my life, the only thing I have done is be with the guy she apparently wants to be with.

Oh, also I have talked to various chapter officials and due to my rather complicated status I am an alumni who has the option of becoming an active sister. Don't ask me because I don't fully understand myself and I am VERY HAPPY with this so I'm not going to ask any questions, lol.