to drop or not to drop :/

[letssingit]

Has anyone else on here been in the position of thinking about dropping/depledging their sorority? I'm about 3 weeks from initiation, and I've started to think long and hard about whether or not I should go through with initiating. A bit of background info:
I went through rush as a sophomore at a competitive school. When it came time to rank on pref night, I agonized over the decision between 1 and 2, because I liked them both. In the end I went with chapter XYZ, and was lucky enough to recieve a bid the next day. I was so excited on bid day, having wanted to be Greek my entire freshman year and loving (so I thought) the house I had gotten into. However, it's gone downhill from there. I'm really just not bonding with the girls in my chapter. Don't get me wrong, they're all sweet, wonderful girls, but something just isn't clicking. The girls I had talked to and liked during rush are never around, and when I do see them it's just a quick hi before they go about their day. I'm a little over a month into pledging and I still feel like I'm making small talk every time I go to an event. I've read a lot of threads about this on Greekchat where girls just don't seem to be trying, but I feel like I really am. I go to every meal at the house, chapter, philanthropy, invitation out, etc that I possibly can (unless I have a test or something), always go into the house with a smile on my face and talk to whoever's around, and have invited girls to do things. At this point my pledge class is super close and everyone's in their group, and I'm left feeling left out and not entirely sure what I'm doing wrong. I'm terrified that I made the wrong decision on pref night or somewhere else during rush, and would have fit better in another house. However, I'm realistic about my chances during rush next year as a junior who's a drop liability, even if I have friends in a couple of houses pulling for me. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I still would love to be in a sorority, as I love all of the ritual of it: the philanthropies and announcing and chapters and opportunities, and I would die for the amazing bond that so many girls have with their sisters, but I don't want it at the price of feeling left out and disconnected everytime I walk into the house. I'm left with a choice: should I drop now, and risk never being Greek? or should I stick it out, and hope that things eventually get better? I know that you guys probably can't do much for me without knowing the situation personally, but I'm the first in my family to go Greek and none of my friends are having this problem with their chapters, so I'm just not sure where else to turn :/
If anyone has any sort of advice, it'd be much appreciated

[ellebud]

I'm assuming that you have a Big and/or another person who welcomed you: talk to them. Sometimes girls become not only sisters, but they live in the same dorm, which brings them closer still. I think the fact that you attend events and try is in your favor. But I would start with your Big (who may or may not see problems) and then look around.

But I can tell you that the bonds of sisterhood take time.

[TriDeltaChick06]

Hey there,

This is a really hard decision for you to make, I can tell. When girls in my chapter feel disconnected or maybe not as close as they wish to be, I always suggest living in the house the next year or taking on a position. I'm not sure if your chapter has a house where girls can live in, but if you do, DO IT. You grow so much closer to your sisters when you are living with them. Also, get involved in your chapter! You meet and interact with so many more sisters that way.

Because you seem to want to be a part of a sorority and your recruitment is competitive, I wouldn't suggest dropping out and trying recruitment again. But it's completely up to you!

I hope this has been helpful. Good luck! =)

[ThetaPrincess24]

Originally Posted by TriDeltaChick06

Hey there,

This is a really hard decision for you to make, I can tell. When girls in my chapter feel disconnected or maybe not as close as they wish to be, I always suggest living in the house the next year or taking on a position. I'm not sure if your chapter has a house where girls can live in, but if you do, DO IT. You grow so much closer to your sisters when you are living with them. Also, get involved in your chapter! You meet and interact with so many more sisters that way.

Because you seem to want to be a part of a sorority and your recruitment is competitive, I wouldn't suggest dropping out and trying recruitment again. But it's completely up to you!

I hope this has been helpful. Good luck! =)

I agree with trying to move in to your sorority's house/dorm floor if you can. So many small activites get planned at the last minute with people who live in the facility. Sisters that dont live in the sorority housing, often will feel left out because of that but it is never intentional. Almost always after those members move in to sorority housing, they feel more "included" or "in the loop" and end up enjoying their membership MUCH better.

[kappa_dancer]

This is definitely not an easy decision to make, and it's obvious that it's really weighing heavily on you. I went through something similar during my new member period. I didn't feel as close to the chapter as I initially expected I would, and that bothered me. However, I did have 3 girls I got very close to and we spent lots of time together. To me, even one relationship in my chapter would have meant the world. And that special connection I wanted to feel -- I got that at initiation. It really took me up until that point to finally feel the sisterhood and the love.

Remember that your sorority experience isn't just your undergrad years. Your alumnae experience could turn out to be exactly what you had been hoping for from day 1.

If you really want to be in a sorority, and it sounds like you do, take some time and really think about this decision. ellebud's advice about talking to your big is a great option. Good luck!

[limegreen]

Originally Posted by kappa_dancer

Remember that your sorority experience isn't just your undergrad years. Your alumnae experience could turn out to be exactly what you had been hoping for from day 1.

This. I didn't really feel like I bonded much as an active. I was always on the fringe. But now 15+ years as an alumni, I am so happy with my choice.

[ellebud]

Originally Posted by limegreen

This. I didn't really feel like I bonded much as an active. I was always on the fringe. But now 15+ years as an alumni, I am so happy with my choice.

Completely understand and agree. My sorority had it seemed to me at the time, only very wealthy girls. One girl received a staggering (for the time, 1970) $500 a month clothing allowence. I felt beleagured at times, inadequate at others. I transfered schools, affiliated, and was a bit adrift (but made some friends, though not super close.) for the rest of my college life in part because I didn't have a pledge class to relate to one on one.

Fast foward: Life went on and some of my best friends are my sorority sisters from both campuses. I have stood by them and they by me during good and bad times. Several of us live in the same neighborhood, others 20 minutes away. We do have a common bond. I am walking over to one sister's home this afternoon.

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by ellebud

Completely understand and agree. My sorority had it seemed to me at the time, only very wealthy girls. One girl received a staggering (for the time, 1970) $500 a month clothing allowence. I felt beleagured at times, inadequate at others. I transfered schools, affiliated, and was a bit adrift (but made some friends, though not super close.) for the rest of my college life in part because I didn't have a pledge class to relate to one on one.

Fast foward: Life went on and some of my best friends are my sorority sisters from both campuses. I have stood by them and they by me during good and bad times. Several of us live in the same neighborhood, others 20 minutes away. We do have a common bond. I am walking over to one sister's home this afternoon.

$500 just for clothing every month is staggering to me in 2010. I wish.

[ThetaPrincess24]

Originally Posted by Alumiyum

$500 just for clothing every month is staggering to me in 2010. I wish.

Me too! That would be a real treat if I had that kind of allowance!

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Alumiyum

$500 just for clothing every month is staggering to me in 2010. I wish.

Exactly. If it is no longer staggering for ellebud, I respectfully request a clothing donation from her.

[Alumiyum]

To be honest, I had few close friendships with sisters as an active, and I spent all 4 years on the fringe of the group for various reasons, some of my own making, but many not. My chapter would range from 35-60 members. But I still learned valuable lessons, developed social and communication skills, and of course, had fun. Would it have been nice to be friends with everyone? Yeah. But I am completely satisfied with the experience I had as an undergraduate.

I'm making assumptions here, but I'm willing to bet most of your pledge class is composed of freshman girls. You might only be a year older than they, but there is a difference between a sophomore and a freshman. To them, everything on campus is new and they're probably bonding over those experiences. Even if there are a few other upperclassmen, I'm willing to bet there aren't very many so there are fewer people to click with on a common experience level.

Find at least one active that you click with. Tell her how you feel. And then ask her if she or anyone she knows in the chapter has been in a similar situation. Remember that sorority membership is lifelong and these are three years out of the rest of your life. Enjoying your collegiate years is important, but those years are not the end of your membership. At a competitive campus, as a junior who dropped a sorority three weeks before initiation, you are extremely unlikely to get a bid again. You say you're realistic about your chances, but realize they are very, very slim. Are you miserable or just feeling left out? If you're feeling left out, you aren't alone. Some sisters will feel left out during their collegiate years. But you have so much more to look forward to.

Obviously this is a very personal decision that you have to make on your own, and it won't be easy. I think you should keep on trucking. You'll likely find pledge sisters and actives who feel like you do in time, and you'll have the rest of your life to find other ways to enjoy your membership. But if you choose not to stay, just be sure it's the right decision for you. Good luck...and don't let this get you too down.

[DubaiSis]

I am wondering if you might be feeling that the honeymoon is over. Recruitment is so intense and can be so great, as it sounds like it was for you. You were able to choose between two great chapters and you felt like you couldn't go wrong. And chances are you DIDN'T go wrong. It's just that life goes on, gets back to normal, and your sorority is no longer recruiting you. We had a phrase "keep rushing those pledges" to avoid just this kind of thing, where girls feel disconnected or not fully welcomed. I also think this is a down side to the shortened recruitment period (it was a full semester in my day) because some people can jump in and feel these great friendships right away, and some just need some more time.

My advice to you is really work hard at making friends. It may feel awkward to you to invite a sister who you don't know so well out for coffee or to study for a class you have together, or to jump in and go out with some of the girls when you weren't expressly invited. You are a sister, and you ARE welcome. Especially if you are in a big new member class in a big chapter, it gets very easy for them to not notice that you aren't really being included. Get yourself on any committees or activities in the chapter that get brought up, and don't just go; really talk to the girls you're with.

Since it doesn't sound like your problem is that it turns out your chapter is a bunch of skanks or dingdongs or whatever, I think you should give them the benefit of the doubt. Unless you KNOW that juniors have a good chance on your campus, I would assume dropping out means no Greek future. And that's ok if you really can't make this work, but I bet you can.

Someone here uses a phrase about unicorns pooping rainbows. The thing is a lot of girls have a TV fairy land idea of what sorority life is and it can be very disillusioning when it turns out it's a bunch of smart girls who are friends who are just trying to get through college the best they can. But really, you have to talk about it to someone in the house. Your new member educator, your big sis, the president, whoever. They need to know your concerns because I can assure you they would be very disappointed to lose you.

Good luck!

[FSUZeta]

please talk to your big sister, your new member coordinator(pledge mom, pledge trainer whatever you call her)AND someone you do feel closer to in the sorority. Please don't suffer in silence.

it sounds like you are giving it a good try. you are going to dinner, attending meetings and activities. have you tried to invite some of your pledge sisters that you feel close to out for a coffee or frozen yogurt? i bet there are a couple of girls in your pledge class who are having doubts just like you.

many, many chapters forget to KROP-keep rushing our pledges(new member just doesn't work here)-it's not that they are not happy you joined, but that classes, studying, activities get in the way.

please keep in touch and let us know how it is going.

[qbt1990]

Stay with it! I didn't feel completely comfortable in my chapter (even though it was my #1 choice) until I went through recruitment with my pledge class for the first time on the other side. It brings you a lot closer together. It's not easy to just instantly make friends, it takes real time.

Good luck though and do talk to your pledge mom/big sis as other people have suggested!

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Only you can decide whether or not to drop, but understand that dropping likely means the end of Greek Life for you.