Boyfriend Question (please help)

[luvdrunk]

Hello all,
I'm a GC regular but I don't want to address this problem on my regular username since there is too much info attached with this. But I need help, this is getting pretty bad. It is pretty long though:

Around Valentine’s Day, I had a meeting with a fraternity for planning a mixer. 2 of their reps and 3 of ours went to a meeting at Starbucks (note a public place, because I know bf is a little wary of me and guys). BF called me twice, I didn't hear my phone was on silent, but I told him I’d call after we finished because we had plans. Once the meeting was over I looked at my phone and told one of my girls "guess who called?" and I guess I had talked about my bf enough to the guy to where they knew his name and HE was like "oh, bob?" and I was like yeah, he's probably worried, he gets a little nervous when I’m around guys in fraternities, because he was in one and he's worried that they are like him. 5 seconds later I feel someone hit me on the back of the head with something. I thought it was one of my friends (I have a friend that I do things like this to regularly ranging from a gentle nudge to a tackle) and turn to see him there..... longer story short he threw iced tea on me in the parking lot afterward because I was being taken home by a sister instead of him... and then he got into my room (without me there) and started taking my stuff as "compensation" (think my TV, my laptop, my expensive straighter...)

We worked things out through counseling, and he was working through anger issues. It’s been rough but I put up with it.

Flash forward to the last 48 hours: I get a text from a guy friend (who works nights & early morning, sleeps during day) that he got off early and is actually going to get sleep. I only talk to this guy randomly and he knows about "bob". I was already asleep so I didn't see it till morning. When I got on Face book I saw that he made a note @ 3am and I commented that "so much for that sleep...", bf saw this and confronted me on how I knew this guy, why I was talking to him, why I knew when he was sleeping etc. He called me "loose" (not in the sexual way ) blah blah blah. I was mad but I tried to move on. I was going to write on his wall and I saw that he made his status about this one guy and his note. I got annoyed, pissed off and frustrated, I told him to talk it down (no one you know knows him, its childish etc) to which he replied no. I left at that and didn't want to talk to him/him to keep wall stalking me so I blocked him on facebook. It's about 11, I go to sleep. I wake up at 2:15 to a missed call.... actually 35 missed calls from 11:30 to right then. I text him to g-talk and he says he's on the road..... to my house. 300+ miles away (we're apart for summer break). I tell him to stop, and turn around and that I won't see him. We talk and I annoyingly appease him to keep him from my house ('yeah, I love you' not a lie)

I've been so brain numbed by him I can't think about just myself. I've been with him for 2+ years. I'm a pretty strong, confidant woman, but I'm always worried about hurting his feelings. He says I MAKE him insecure, that I don't need to talk to soo many guys etc. I've never cheated on him and never gave him reason to think I was. I was always completely honest with him. This is still where it got me.

Do you guys think I should call it quits?

[WhiteDaisy128]

Yes. It should have been over when he threw tea on you.

I'd get a restraining order too...he sounds a bit unsteady.

[AXiDMeesh]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

Hello all,
I'm a GC regular but I don't want to address this problem on my regular username since there is too much info attached with this. But I need help, this is getting pretty bad. It is pretty long though:

Around Valentine’s Day, I had a meeting with a fraternity for planning a mixer. 2 of their reps and 3 of ours went to a meeting at Starbucks (note a public place, because I know bf is a little wary of me and guys). BF called me twice, I didn't hear my phone was on silent, but I told him I’d call after we finished because we had plans. Once the meeting was over I looked at my phone and told one of my girls "guess who called?" and I guess I had talked about my bf enough to the guy to where they knew his name and HE was like "oh, bob?" and I was like yeah, he's probably worried, he gets a little nervous when I’m around guys in fraternities, because he was in one and he's worried that they are like him. 5 seconds later I feel someone hit me on the back of the head with something. I thought it was one of my friends (I have a friend that I do things like this to regularly ranging from a gentle nudge to a tackle) and turn to see him there..... longer story short he threw iced tea on me in the parking lot afterward because I was being taken home by a sister instead of him... and then he got into my room (without me there) and started taking my stuff as "compensation" (think my TV, my laptop, my expensive straighter...)

We worked things out through counseling, and he was working through anger issues. It’s been rough but I put up with it.

Flash forward to the last 48 hours: I get a text from a guy friend (who works nights & early morning, sleeps during day) that he got off early and is actually going to get sleep. I only talk to this guy randomly and he knows about "bob". I was already asleep so I didn't see it till morning. When I got on Face book I saw that he made a note @ 3am and I commented that "so much for that sleep...", bf saw this and confronted me on how I knew this guy, why I was talking to him, why I knew when he was sleeping etc. He called me "loose" (not in the sexual way ) blah blah blah. I was mad but I tried to move on. I was going to write on his wall and I saw that he made his status about this one guy and his note. I got annoyed, pissed off and frustrated, I told him to talk it down (no one you know knows him, its childish etc) to which he replied no. I left at that and didn't want to talk to him/him to keep wall stalking me so I blocked him on facebook. It's about 11, I go to sleep. I wake up at 2:15 to a missed call.... actually 35 missed calls from 11:30 to right then. I text him to g-talk and he says he's on the road..... to my house. 300+ miles away (we're apart for summer break). I tell him to stop, and turn around and that I won't see him. We talk and I annoyingly appease him to keep him from my house ('yeah, I love you' not a lie)

I've been so brain numbed by him I can't think about just myself. I've been with him for 2+ years. I'm a pretty strong, confidant woman, but I'm always worried about hurting his feelings. He says I MAKE him insecure, that I don't need to talk to soo many guys etc. I've never cheated on him and never gave him reason to think I was. I was always completely honest with him. This is still where it got me.

Do you guys think I should call it quits?

This sounds like a relationship I never want to be in. If I were you, then yes, I would def call quits.

[Little32]

Yes. Do it now. Maybe, in having the whole summer to cool off, he will be less crazy when you all have to go back to school.

You should also immediately talk to your parents about this situation and tell them everything. It sounds like you are going to need some help breaking it off with this guy for keeps, and your parents are going to be your backbone here.

I agree with WhiteDaisy; after the tea, it should have been done. That is gateway behavior to a whole lot of trouble, in my opinion, and he definitely seems to be escalating. A restraining order might be necessary.

[AGDee]

I agree with the above posters. Break it off now. Consider a restraining order.

[ThetaDancer]

Although it's been said above, it bears repeating: YES. Please break it off and like Little32 said, include your parents right away. His behavior sounds frightening and seems to be escalating.

I would really encourage you to make as clean of a break as possible, as well. For example, after you break up with him, you should should cut off all ties (defriend him on facebook and block him on gchat, for example). I would consider changing my cell phone number, too, if I were you. It sounds drastic but it might help give you a sense of control again; it's not ok that he calls and texts you constantly.

[Prettyface08]

YES! And knowing me, he would have needed the restraining order after the tea incident. Don't ever touch me, with anything, in a violent manner. He's a punk.

[Kevin]

Clearly this isn't working out.

[summer_gphib]

You deserve better. He has issues and needs to seek help. I agree with the restraining order, and I'd get all of my locks re-keyed.

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

1. I feel someone hit me on the back of the head with something.
2. he threw iced tea on me in the parking lot
3. he got into my room (without me there) and started taking my stuff as "compensation" (think my TV, my laptop, my expensive straighter...)
4. I wake up at 2:15 to a missed call.... actually 35 missed calls

Do you guys think I should call it quits?

Yep. See #s 1-4 above.

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

He says I MAKE him insecure

This always bothers me. None of us has the power to make anyone feel insecure. He's insecure all on his own and is trying to gain security by exerting his power over you. If you call it quits (and especially if you tell him why you're calling it quits), he'll then say you're trying to make him feel guilty. Don't buy that crap. Again, we can't make anyone feel something. If he's feeling guilty, it's all his doing.

[lovespink88]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

I've been so brain numbed by him I can't think about just myself. I've been with him for 2+ years. I'm a pretty strong, confidant woman, but I'm always worried about hurting his feelings. He says I MAKE him insecure, that I don't need to talk to soo many guys etc. I've never cheated on him and never gave him reason to think I was. I was always completely honest with him. This is still where it got me.

Do you guys think I should call it quits?

Agree with all of the advice as well.

I never would have admitted it at the time, but the guy I dated in high school was controlling and somewhat (verbally) abusive. I only really realized this once I got to college...we broke up right before school stated and it kind of allowed me to take a step back and look at the relationship. Anyways, we kept talking during freshmen year and he still tried to control me (told me not to hang out with people, etc). He also admitted that he made a mistake in breaking up with me before college, and wanted to get back together. By this time I knew I didn't, but I didn't have the courage to tell him no. I was afraid of hurting his feelings. BIG MISTAKE. It just kept going on and on until finally I told him I had moved on (and actually wanted to be with someone else), and he flipped out out at me, screamed at me (over the phone, since we were at our separate schools), called me a whore, bitch, liar, etc. Things eventually cooled down (months later) and he apologized for the way he acted about everything.

The moral of my story is don't let pity be the reason that you're not doing something about this. It sounds like you're in a bad relationship and right now the person you have to be thinking about is you. I very much agree with Little's advice too--get the support of your parents. I know that's probably going to be really hard. I know I would have had an incredibly hard time going to my parents for help, but looking back I probably should have. They would have helped put an end to all that nonsense a LOT quicker than I did myself.

Good luck

[DaemonSeid]

what they said.

[AZTheta]

Run. NOW. Please.

and read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker.

PM me if you have questions.

[WVU alpha phi]

Get out of that relationship as fast as you can. He sounds like a loose cannon.

[luvdrunk]

Originally Posted by WVU alpha phi

He sounds like a loose cannon.

Ironically thats what my campus minister said too. He said that he would think cloudedly and be unpredictable but he wouldn't hurt anyone, his logic and train of thought ("Bob's") wouldn't make sense