The Mom From Hell

ellebud · #1 09-28-2009, 08:15 PM

Ok ladies, I have to vent!

I have a friend who has one child. She adores her daughter and has micro managed every step of the girl's life. I have seen her bully schools, teachers, and university admissions to get what she wanted for her daughter. The daughter happens to be a sweet kid. The mother has her quirks (mothering manipulation among them).

Daughter just finished an unsuccessful rush at a major, but not super competitive recruitment. The school, in order not to frighten off pnms wrote a Recruitment brochure that, according to my friend say that it was ok to wear cutoffs and flipflops to rush. If this is true...stupid. But to move on.

Daughter just wanted three sororities and was dropped first night. (I suspect that there were more cuts than that.) Now, Mom wants her daughter to go through spring rush. Or informal rush at only the top houses. BUT she wants a friend who goes to a midwestern university to call the chapter at the girl's university to demand that they see her and give her favored treatment.

She asked me (through my daughter) to do the same from her new sorority. I was so nice and explained that my daughter is a pledge and can't do that. In short, she is trying to bully the kid's way into the "right" house.

I tried to tell the Mom the unwritten rules of recruitment which she pooh poohed. I told the Mom that the kid needed recs which the University said was unnecessary for any house.

The list is going on. I feel horrible because the girl would be an asset to a house. But where is there a site for mothers who should butt out?

...............sorry I had to vent............We have been on the phone the past two days (her dime not mine) with what can the mother do now?

Thank you all for listening. I am going to watch something on Tivo.

SWTXBelle · #2 09-28-2009, 08:32 PM

Perhaps if you let the mother know that her behavior will HURT her daughter's changes - that chapters RESENT those who try to elbow their way in - it might make a difference. Maybe. A girl can dream.

texas*princess · #3 09-28-2009, 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Perhaps if you let the mother know that her behavior will HURT her daughter's changes - that chapters RESENT those who try to elbow their way in - it might make a difference. Maybe. A girl can dream.

That's what I was thinking.

I would be so mortified if I was known as "the girl with the crazy mom"!

southbymidwest · #4 09-28-2009, 09:18 PM

I have sympathy for both the mom and the daughter. The mom has taken the "If I don't advocate for my sweet daughter, no one will" mantra and has warped it, not recognizing (or wanting to recognize) in her insecurity that she has done her daughter a disservice by not letting her fight some of her own battles and figure out what works/doesn't work. She has effectively told her daughter by her actions that she does not have enough confidence in her daughter's abilities to deal with the rough spots. Her interference with whatever the next step is will just confirm it even more for her daughter. Gees, she can't get away from mom no matter how far away she is! It is hard to let go, an empty nest can really suck. The daughter will have to be the one to tell her mother to knock it off, and she might not be ready to stand up and have that conversation with her mother yet. I admit, I would tell my friend to let it go, and that her interference, although well meant, could make things much worse, and what does her daughter want, not what does my friend want? Ehh, she would probably get teed off and hang up on me. OK, I will jump off my very tall soapbox now.

Ggirl617 · #5 09-29-2009, 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by southbymidwest

I have sympathy for both the mom and the daughter. The mom has taken the "If I don't advocate for my sweet daughter, no one will" mantra and has warped it, not recognizing (or wanting to recognize) in her insecurity that she has done her daughter a disservice by not letting her fight some of her own battles and figure out what works/doesn't work. She has effectively told her daughter by her actions that she does not have enough confidence in her daughter's abilities to deal with the rough spots. Her interference with whatever the next step is will just confirm it even more for her daughter. Gees, she can't get away from mom no matter how far away she is! It is hard to let go, an empty nest can really suck. The daughter will have to be the one to tell her mother to knock it off, and she might not be ready to stand up and have that conversation with her mother yet. I admit, I would tell my friend to let it go, and that her interference, although well meant, could make things much worse, and what does her daughter want, not what does my friend want? Ehh, she would probably get teed off and hang up on me. OK, I will jump off my very tall soapbox now.

Sometimes the daughter telling the mom to butt out, will make zero difference.

aggieadpi_01 · #6 09-28-2009, 09:20 PM

fwap...fwap..fwap

I hear the helicopter hovering.

ellebud · #7 09-28-2009, 09:21 PM

I will start with: I am sorry for venting. The Mom means well, she does, but the pressure that she puts on her child...and all those around her is difficult. She wasn't happy for my daughter when she was accepted to her dream school. She certainly hasn't been happy for my daughter when she pledged. The mom feels that her daughter's success is a reflection on her abilities as a mother.

No, she won't back off. The "best" solution is to run down sororities in general and to try and convince her daughter's friends to depledge or not pledge.

So, tomorrow when we lunch (no I can't get swine flu...she'll bring chicken soup here) I'll have two glasses of wine and smile.

agzg · #8 09-28-2009, 09:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ellebud

I will start with: I am sorry for venting. The Mom means well, she does, but the pressure that she puts on her child...and all those around her is difficult. She wasn't happy for my daughter when she was accepted to her dream school. She certainly hasn't been happy for my daughter when she pledged. The mom feels that her daughter's success is a reflection on her abilities as a mother.

Is she like the friend that thinks that her friend's accomplishments somehow tarnish her own? Except for it's the mom?

I had a friend in high school who was great at everything she did. Her mom talked a lot of isht on all of her friends, myself included, whenever we accomplished something, because I guess somehow she felt like we diminished her daughter's star.

For the longest time, the daughter was so sweet (and mortified) when her mom did that. Unfortunately, my friend becomes more like her mother day after day.

ellebud · #9 09-28-2009, 09:33 PM

This is exactly what she is like. Whether it is sports, academics, whatever....her daughter is the best. If not her daughter...her friends...Go on down the line.

southbymidwest · #10 09-28-2009, 10:00 PM

Oh boy, I feel for you. You are in a no fun situation. Deep cleansing breaths... And unfortunately, steamroller parents are everywhere. In this neck of the woods, they have elevated it to an art form. I feel sorry for the teachers, principals and coaches that have to deal with them.

Just interested · #11 09-28-2009, 09:41 PM

Jealousy and envy do not make the best friends. And as agzg says, the daughter will most likely become what she has observed all her life. This is very sad for all concerned. How unhappy this woman must be.

33girl · #12 09-28-2009, 09:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ellebud

Daughter just wanted three sororities and was dropped first night. (I suspect that there were more cuts than that.) Now, Mom wants her daughter to go through spring rush. Or informal rush at only the top houses.

This woman obviously doesn't care about her daughter's happiness at all, or she would have encouraged her to look at the groups that didn't drop her. She only wants to be able to say "little Zsa Zsa is a ABC at Blahblah U pledge."

If this woman is truly a friend that you want to keep in your orbit, you need to be blunt and tell her that her actions are ruining her daughter's chances not just for a happy rush but a happy life.

AZTheta · #13 09-28-2009, 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

This woman obviously doesn't care about her daughter's happiness at all, or she would have encouraged her to look at the groups that didn't drop her. She only wants to be able to say "little Zsa Zsa is a ABC at Blahblah U pledge."

If this woman is truly a friend that you want to keep in your orbit, you need to be blunt and tell her that her actions are ruining her daughter's chances not just for a happy rush but a happy life.

Perfectly said. Absolutely Perfect.

It is very difficult to be "blunt" but sometimes harsh or hard words need to be spoken.

I wish you very good luck in this situation, and I'm still thrilled for your Delta Gamma daughter.

Barbie's_Rush · #14 09-28-2009, 10:15 PM

Perhaps you should suggest that she come here for some sound advice. I am sure we'd be able to help.

AnchorAlum · #15 09-28-2009, 10:31 PM

Wow. Been out of the game for a while now, but when my daughter was in high school I saw many Moms like this.

Texas cheerleader Moms on steroids is all I can say. And I don't miss those days OR those Moms one bit.