Her Peeps

[PEP Guy]

Seems like every sistah I've ever dated, her mom was in our mix like a bad deejay. Everything we did, everything I said, anything I wore, she had an opinion on. There were times when I was madd broke, trying to gift my girl, but her peeps always had something smart to say, always scrutinizing and devaluing me and my tokens of affection. I bought one of my girls a stuffed animal with an earring in its ear, and her moms was like, "What are you, in grade school?" When I bought one girlfriend some candy, her peeps said, "Why the fuck he buy you some Lemonheads?" Didn't matter that it was her favorite candy -my thoughtfulness didn't count. When I bought another girl Godiva chocolate, her moms convinced her it was too exotic and put it in the freezer, where she would fetch it a year later during an emotional case of the "lonelies." I asked one dad if we could have a man-to-man talk and he said "You'd better speak to my wife." I asked another father the same thing, and he looked around confused.

I expect her parents to be critical, but I don't expect them to be combative, interfering, or destructive. It's not that I'm sensitive but it's hard to pitch woo when someone is standing on the sidelines rating your efforts. The truth is, you can probably dodge and dismiss the friends. But you have to deal with her family -there's no way around it. I'd know it if there was.

Does anybody else have this problem?

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by PEP Guy

I asked one dad if we could have a man-to-man talk

You need two men in order to have a "man-to-man" talk....boy.

[IrishLake]

OMG, no one cares.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by PEP Guy

Seems like every sistah I've ever dated, her mom was in our mix like a bad deejay.

I would say find a woman whose peeps are up in the mix. DUH. But, the common denominator is you so the problem is you.

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

You need two men in order to have a "man-to-man" talk....boy.

LOL.

[33girl]

[clarinette]

Originally Posted by 33girl

OMG, I just lost.

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Originally Posted by clarinette

OMG, I just lost.

me too.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by NinjaPoodle

me too.

Me three!

[PEP Guy]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

You need two men in order to have a "man-to-man" talk....boy.

You don't know anything about manhood, dating, or women. Dumb ass.

Originally Posted by IrishLake

OMG, no one cares.

You do, which is why you responded.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I would say find a woman whose peeps are up in the mix. DUH. But, the common denominator is you so the problem is you.

It's hard finding a woman who's peeps are like that, especially a sistah's peeps. I don't think I'm all of the problem. Some, but not all.

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

Are these women young? They seem very impressionable, and it also sounds like they love the drama and the mess.

My parents have historically stayed out of my relationships--except once when they felt my college sweetheart wasn't going to be a good provider. They said their piece and kept it moving.

My mom, however, gave me some good advice: NEVER talk stink about your friend's significant other. If you suspect abuse or infidelity, you can share your concern, but never criticize the boyfriend/girlfriend. If they break up, you still don't say anything--support your friend, but don't dog out the ex because you never know if he's going to be back! (Other than that one issue, my parents won't say anything bad about my ex-boyfriends.)

I'd say now that I have 4 friends, whom I've had for 12 years or longer, whom I could trust to say something about a boyfriend. The irony of that, however, is that they're such good friends that they probably WOULD NOT criticize. The rest of them don't have that privilege with me. One friend was very critical about my boyfriend at the time; it wasn't about any real issue--he just didn't like that my ex didn't want to go out drinking with our group. I told him that it wasn't his place to say anything about my boyfriend--and cut him off. I didn't speak to him for a while after that because I felt like my relationship came first and I was going to defend my boyfriend. Another friend said some pretty bad things about my ex a few weeks ago--I told this one, again, that it wasn't his place to say anything. Both of these friends were more upset that I wasn't out at the bars with them anymore than they were concerned that my boyfriend was a bad match.

It's important to find a woman whose boundaries are strong enough that she's not bending to every thing her friends or parents say.

I guess you could say they’re young. They are in the range of 23-33. I’m 29, so that’s about the age range I prefer. I feel you, but I’m just not feeling your peeps judging your boyfriend. I’m sure he asked you what your peeps thought of him, and even if you didn’t tell him the truth to keep from hurting his feelings, he can still sense that your moms doesn’t like him. My issues with the peeps are plenty. When the holidays roll around, I’ve always taken a deep breath. Not because I’m about to be besieged by my relations –as a Jehovah’s Witness, one of the religion’s perks is that there is rarely an event that rallies all the kinfolk. So I never have to see my peeps if I don’t want to. I’ve never worried about dealing with my folks during the holidays –instead, I worry about breaking bread with my girlfriend-of-the-moment’s people. Because nothing can make trouble like idle dinner chatter…with her peeps.
If you’ve played the dating game like I have, it means come holiday time, you are the accessory of choice and the man of the hour at all her family functions. I’ve dodged this responsibility when I could –referencing my staunch religious upbringing to explain my unease in the presence of unfamiliar pagan rituals. Which of course, is bullshit. See, the approach I’ve found works best for chick-relation conversation is to stick to the basics: name, rank, and serial number. I don’t follow sports and any talka bout religion or politics is likely to go south. Mainly, I’ve said little past “hello?” and “what time is dinner?” until my girls people eventually began referring to me as “the robot” as in “you’re not bringing ‘the robot’ to dinner this year, are you?” and that was fine by me. Because the raw truth is that no one really wants to know what you think –about anything. In the courtship phase, all her relatives see when they look at you is somebody playing the doggie game with their little girl without the benefit of marriage. And even if you married they don’t like you much.
In a weird cockeyed way, I owe my career to my girl’s peeps. At one family function, I was trying to be personable, animated –like a man with a pulse, not so much the machine –and I engaged in conversation. O made the mistake of talking to my then-girl’s peeps about how I was working on some essays –thinking about changing my focus from a career in copywriting to more creative works. Her peeps –Moms, a couple of family friends, and others –looked confused. After all, I hadn’t graduated from community college yet. How did I expect to be a writer? Well, they wanted an example. I mentioned this one essay about interracial relationships I was writing and how I was largely indifferent to whom others choose for a mate.
At that moment, one of her bootleg relations asked me how I felt about them. I said what I pretty much always say –that it was my choice, but it wasn’t anymore, and that it was no skin off my back –live and let live. “If you believe dat”, he said, “then you even mo’uva punk than I thought you wuz.”
Okay
This old coot, only one scheme away from being a hobo –selling bootleg “FREE O.J. T-shirts from a gunnysack –called me a punk, as everyones face broke around me. Now, this is why I don’t say much at her people’s gatherings, because heaven forbid I have to rock someone’s yacht for intentionally disrespecting me –giving you the wide-eyed “watchu gonna do?” look and all.
But I resolved that from the point forward, I was going to be myself with whomever’s people –no holds barred –and let the teeth fall from where they might. A man can only be so many punks in life –trying to play the game with her peeps, I played myself out. Never again. It took me awhile to refine this approach. See, mothers almost universally dislike me, but if your girl ain’t got no men folk, it’s a thousand times worse. Nothing beats a thousand hens pecking at you from every direction, asking about your money, your schooling, and your baby-mothers. See, sistahs without men in their lives are bitter and suspicious of every man, and have a tendency to put the kibosh on their best girlfriend’s happiness –even if that best girlfriend is a daughter. This is one reason why it’s hard to get along with sistahs.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I hollered!

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by PEP Guy

Seems like every sistah I've ever dated, her mom was in our mix like a bad deejay. Everything we did, everything I said, anything I wore, she had an opinion on. There were times when I was madd broke, trying to gift my girl, but her peeps always had something smart to say, always scrutinizing and devaluing me and my tokens of affection. I bought one of my girls a stuffed animal with an earring in its ear, and her moms was like, "What are you, in grade school?" When I bought one girlfriend some candy, her peeps said, "Why the fuck he buy you some Lemonheads?" Didn't matter that it was her favorite candy -my thoughtfulness didn't count. When I bought another girl Godiva chocolate, her moms convinced her it was too exotic and put it in the freezer, where she would fetch it a year later during an emotional case of the "lonelies." I asked one dad if we could have a man-to-man talk and he said "You'd better speak to my wife." I asked another father the same thing, and he looked around confused.

I expect her parents to be critical, but I don't expect them to be combative, interfering, or destructive. It's not that I'm sensitive but it's hard to pitch woo when someone is standing on the sidelines rating your efforts. The truth is, you can probably dodge and dismiss the friends. But you have to deal with her family -there's no way around it. I'd know it if there was.

Does anybody else have this problem?

Are these women young? They seem very impressionable, and it also sounds like they love the drama and the mess.

My parents have historically stayed out of my relationships--except once when they felt my college sweetheart wasn't going to be a good provider. They said their piece and kept it moving.

My mom, however, gave me some good advice: NEVER talk stink about your friend's significant other. If you suspect abuse or infidelity, you can share your concern, but never criticize the boyfriend/girlfriend. If they break up, you still don't say anything--support your friend, but don't dog out the ex because you never know if he's going to be back! (Other than that one issue, my parents won't say anything bad about my ex-boyfriends.)

I'd say now that I have 4 friends, whom I've had for 12 years or longer, whom I could trust to say something about a boyfriend. The irony of that, however, is that they're such good friends that they probably WOULD NOT criticize. The rest of them don't have that privilege with me. One friend was very critical about my boyfriend at the time; it wasn't about any real issue--he just didn't like that my ex didn't want to go out drinking with our group. I told him that it wasn't his place to say anything about my boyfriend--and cut him off. I didn't speak to him for a while after that because I felt like my relationship came first and I was going to defend my boyfriend. Another friend said some pretty bad things about my ex a few weeks ago--I told this one, again, that it wasn't his place to say anything. Both of these friends were more upset that I wasn't out at the bars with them anymore than they were concerned that my boyfriend was a bad match.

It's important to find a woman whose boundaries are strong enough that she's not bending to every thing her friends or parents say.

[katydidKD]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

My mom, however, gave me some good advice: NEVER talk stink about your friend's significant other. If you suspect abuse or infidelity, you can share your concern, but never criticize the boyfriend/girlfriend. If they break up, you still don't say anything--support your friend, but don't dog out the ex because you never know if he's going to be back! (Other than that one issue, my parents won't say anything bad about my ex-boyfriends.)
.

Hijack: What do you do when a friend comes to you really upset and wants to trash the SO? I feel like this happens a lot. They are upset, you comfort them and talk about how dumb he is and blah blah blah. Then this person comes back, and you are supposed to forget all the things they confided to you about how terrible he treated her and what not.

[rhoyaltempest]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

Are these women young? They seem very impressionable, and it also sounds like they love the drama and the mess.

My parents have historically stayed out of my relationships--except once when they felt my college sweetheart wasn't going to be a good provider. They said their piece and kept it moving.

My mom, however, gave me some good advice: NEVER talk stink about your friend's significant other. If you suspect abuse or infidelity, you can share your concern, but never criticize the boyfriend/girlfriend. If they break up, you still don't say anything--support your friend, but don't dog out the ex because you never know if he's going to be back! (Other than that one issue, my parents won't say anything bad about my ex-boyfriends.)

I'd say now that I have 4 friends, whom I've had for 12 years or longer, whom I could trust to say something about a boyfriend. The irony of that, however, is that they're such good friends that they probably WOULD NOT criticize. The rest of them don't have that privilege with me. One friend was very critical about my boyfriend at the time; it wasn't about any real issue--he just didn't like that my ex didn't want to go out drinking with our group. I told him that it wasn't his place to say anything about my boyfriend--and cut him off. I didn't speak to him for a while after that because I felt like my relationship came first and I was going to defend my boyfriend. Another friend said some pretty bad things about my ex a few weeks ago--I told this one, again, that it wasn't his place to say anything. Both of these friends were more upset that I wasn't out at the bars with them anymore than they were concerned that my boyfriend was a bad match.

It's important to find a woman whose boundaries are strong enough that she's not bending to every thing her friends or parents say.

OMG! Why are you seriously answering this dude? You should've stopped at lemonheads. LOL!

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by rhoyaltempest

OMG! Why are you seriously answering this dude? You should've stopped at lemonheads. LOL!

To his credit, it was a fair question--and there has been some legitimate discussion about it. Some women let their families and friends say too much about their romantic relationships.

[katydidKD]

OH MY GOD. Again.

Ps...mothers universally dislike you because you take the word "tool" to a whole new level