When is a couple is ready to get engaged?

KSUViolet06 · #1 10-28-2007, 06:32 PM

My friends and I were pondering this a few nights ago. A couple we know just got engaged after dating six months. On the other hand, we have another good friend who just got engaged after 5 years of dating. We started thinking about why some people get engaged after dating for years, while other after months. I just wanted to get some thoughts about engagements and how you know it's something you're ready for.

What makes a couple ready to make that commitment? Is there some sort of checklist out there lol? If you already are engaged, how did you know that your relationship was ready to progress to that next level?

PhoenixAzul · #2 10-28-2007, 07:35 PM

As someone who is recently engaged, I guess our big decision was really life timing, not so much timing within our relationship. We've been dating for 6 years, and we pretty much knew that marriage was the end result after about two, but it wouldn't have been logical to get married then because I was still an undergrad and he hadn't landed his career job yet. When we got engaged (March), I was getting ready to graduate, I had my offer from my grad school, and he has had a solid, well paying career for a couple years now. It just seemed logical. We're waiting to do the actual tying of the knot until I finish my Masters course, but that's again for practical reasons, as I'm hoping to do a PhD or stay on in Scotland under a visa scheme, and we can both come and work here after we're married. The timing just works.

aephi alum · #3 10-28-2007, 08:05 PM

My husband and I got engaged after about 10 months of dating. Each of us just knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I can't explain it. We just... knew.

We then spent the next 2.5 years engaged, and we lived together for most of that time (much to my father's chagrin). We've been married for eight years now.

DH was, and is, a good friend of one of my sorority sisters - let's call her "Anne". Anne is the sort of person who chooses her friends very carefully. Just the fact that DH is her friend speaks volumes about his character - and vice versa. Anne had tried to set us up in the past, but it fell through. So DH and I each had a couple of relationships from hell... then we found each other.

Naturally, Anne was our maid of honor.

Educatingblue · #4 10-29-2007, 06:51 PM

I think it depends more on life goals. You have to make sure you have accomplished everything YOU planned on before you throw marriage into the mix. I think a lot of people rush into marriage before they have finished college/grad school or landed their "career job" and have regrets later.

Both people have to feel like this is the person they cannot "live without" and base this on pure reasons...not something silly like having a certain age you would like to be married by, economical reasons, peer pressure, etc.

The biggest test for my DH and I was still wanting the same thing (marriage) after being friends for 2 years, then dating for 2 years, and engaged for 1 year.

I think in any situation it is best to wait and really think on the relationship before you jump into something you are unsure of.

MysticCat · #5 10-30-2007, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Educatingblue

I think it depends more on life goals. You have to make sure you have accomplished everything YOU planned on before you throw marriage into the mix.

For some people yes, for others no. I think you always have to be open to the possibility of changing or even throwing out some goals. And I don't see why goals have to be accomplished prior to marriage. But then, I was never a big one on setting life goals -- that's just not my personality.

KSUViolet06, there is no checklist. There is no one-size-fits-all answer. You just know when the time's right and you know when it isn't. Just pay attention to yourself and to each other, not what others may be telling you.

SthrnZeta · #6 10-30-2007, 09:07 AM

I have a friend who's been married 4 years and she's about to enter vet school - I can see the argument about waiting until you've accomplished what you want to on your own, but at the same time I think I agree more with Mystic- you can be married and still accomplish things for yourself. Heck, your partner can be there to help you and support you! Now having kids is a different story...

OtterXO · #7 10-30-2007, 11:30 AM

I think that waiting until your lives are settled is key as well as working out where you see yourselves in the near future and agreeing on a plan that works for both of you. Two friends of mine got married and about a year later the husband decided he wanted to go back to school to get his MBA. This would have been great if he wanted to go somewhere local (California) but he ended up getting into a very prestigious school on the east coast....so they moved and she gave up her career, friends and life for his career. Now he's interviewing for jobs and she's basically waiting to find out where they'll be living. There's been a lot of resentment on her end because she didn't sign up for moving across the country and all that...but they're married so the option is move or divorce. On his end there's resentment because there are career options that she's just not okay with...particularly ones which require extensive travel or crazy hours. He feels like he's not going to have the uber successful career he "could" have had because he has a wife. I think if they had worked out those issues before they got married they would be better off right now. Or had dated long distance while he did all this and then decided if they wanted to be together a couple years after both of them were settled in their "career job".

Fleur de Lis · #8 10-30-2007, 11:30 AM

I agree it's when you realize you can't live without your significant other. My now-husband started talking about going to grad school out of state, and I just couldn't see myself being happy with him far away - like part of my livelihood was leaving. So we got married and I put him through grad school 8 hours away from home. Yeah, it was hard, but worth it. As far as accompishing everything you want beforehand, I think this is true to an extent. I graduated from college, had my own apartment, paid all my own bills, etc. before getting married, and that was really important to me. But then his grad school became "our" goal, and I have the freedom to accomplish things with his full support, as well.

Infamous12 · #9 10-30-2007, 12:25 PM

I agree with aephi alum, though I'm not married - I feel as though I will just have to know.

But it differs for everyone. There are folks with 28 years of wedded bliss under their belts and they only knew each other for six months before MARRIAGE (not engagement, marriage!) and folks with 2 years of mediocracy and tolerance after knowing each other for 10 years.

ETA: Fleur de Lis, your comment reminded me of that saying, "Don't settle for the one you can live with, be with the one you can't live without." (Attribution?)

Fleur de Lis · #10 10-30-2007, 01:22 PM

I like that quote! It's funny you used the word "settle" because I always use that word with my single friends. My advice to single people who don't want to be: 1) If you are a person of faith, get yourself right with God first so you don't look to a man or woman to complete you. 2) NEVER SETTLE! I didn't date a ton in college, but then I met my husband who fit everything on "the list" and yet completely exceeded my expectations. And you know what? I still want to kill him sometimes. Life is too short and marriage is too hard to link yourself to someone that's less than you hoped for.

lauralaylin · #11 10-30-2007, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Educatingblue

I think it depends more on life goals. You have to make sure you have accomplished everything YOU planned on before you throw marriage into the mix. I think a lot of people rush into marriage before they have finished college/grad school or landed their "career job" and have regrets later.

If I had done this, I'd have never gotten married. It's been 6 years since the ceremony, and I'm still trying to do something with my life. Maybe some people are unable to allow each other to follow their dreams, but then why would you want to be married to that person anyway? I think it's more important you find someone who is willing to change with you, that you want to be with no matter what. If you do that, the other things work themselves out.

Educatingblue · #12 10-31-2007, 05:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lauralaylin

If I had done this, I'd have never gotten married. It's been 6 years since the ceremony, and I'm still trying to do something with my life. Maybe some people are unable to allow each other to follow their dreams, but then why would you want to be married to that person anyway? I think it's more important you find someone who is willing to change with you, that you want to be with no matter what. If you do that, the other things work themselves out.

Well I guess it is different for everyone. As I said before, I knew I did not want to get married while I was in undergrad or before I got into my career or another stable job. The same with my DH. When he graduated, he did not get a big job offer and we thought it would be better to wait until we were both financially stable, settled, etc. When I said goals, I meant getting yourself established...not necessarily everything you would like to do in life.

We have friends who married with no education, had bad jobs, ended up with 2 young children and are struggling to make ends meet. As a result their marriage is definitely in trouble. I think marriage is hard enough without worrying about fulfilling your basic needs.

lauralaylin · #13 10-31-2007, 07:59 PM

Well, I guess it's very important that both people are on the same page regarding finances. I'm lucky that my husband made good money from the start, but I can certainly see how difficult a marriage could be if there were money problems or a lot of disagreement with finances.

I also think there's a big difference between getting married at 18 and 22 too. And everyone matures differently. We were ready for marriage right out of college, but I know many aren't.

AKA_Monet · #14 11-01-2007, 07:28 PM

Forget 5 months engagement, my husband and I got married after knowing each other for ~5 months!!!

I dunno how one knows if they are ready to take the "plunge"? For me, I guess I was old enuf and this was "grown folks binuss" and I was ready to make a "grown azz decision". Both of us were in our early to mid-30's, too.

Now, after being married for nearly 5 years, besides the times I want to "kill him", I really love having him around, he's a good man. So, I guess I'll keep him...

No really, everyone has marital difficulties, we have our share, but it hasn't gotten that bad as "Days of Our Lives", yet and there isn't infidelity going on, unless he has some kinna new technology Stealth Condom and gwirlfriend has a magic DisneyWorld buzzing coochie...

I guess that's the key, KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR!!! It will keep you sane on days you think you will get ready for the "romper room" with a jacket that has one button on the back and you shout obscenities to the jello pack.