What if you never get married?

valkyrie · #1 01-05-2005, 12:12 PM

I'm noticing more and more comments young women make here and there involving getting married and/or having kids someday. I'm not trying to pick on anyone at all, but examples include saying something like I don't want to get a tattoo that could be visible in a wedding dress, or I don't want to get something monogrammed because I'll get married and change my name someday (and by "I" I don't mean me, of course, lol).

But what if it never happens? Sure, most people get married, but it's not guaranteed. What if you don't meet the man of your dreams? Will you settle for someone who's just okay because getting married is so important, or would you rather be single until and unless you meet someone so awesome you can't imagine spending the rest of your life without him? Isn't it presumptuous to assume it will happen?

The same goes for having kids. "When I have kids I'll..." is fine and all, but what if you don't? How can anyone assume it will happen? What if you never meet the right person, or what if one of you can't have kids? Will you adopt? What will you do?

I don't mean to be raining on anyone's parade, but it seems troubling that young women are putting so much thought into some future thing that might or might not ever happen. Yes, chances are, you will get married someday, but if you're not even dating someone you might want to marry now, why even think about it or plan for it?

Lil' Hannah · #2 01-05-2005, 12:39 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
But what if it never happens? Sure, most people get married, but it's not guaranteed. What if you don't meet the man of your dreams?

Lil' Hannah · #3 01-05-2005, 12:41 PM

No but seriously...it's almost like planning for any aspect of your future. Of course you have more control over things like your career, but I'm sure most people have a vague idea of where they want to be in 10, 20, whatever years. Almost nothing will go exactly as planned, if you don't find someone to spend your life with, can't have kids, don't get a job in your field, you adjust and go on.

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #4 01-05-2005, 12:46 PM

I agree. It's kind of like saying middle schoolers should be discouraged from talking about "when I go to college..." because they might not get in.

I've seen a couple disturbing posts ("I really thought I'd be married by the time I was 23...") but really, it comes down to what you want for YOURSELF. Granted, that's not what I want for *me*, but, well, that's why I'm not them.

I think it's important to keep in mind, too, that the women's lib movement is about CHOICES. Getting married, having kids, and staying home with the kiddos shouldn't be looked on as flying in the face of hundreds of years of effort to attain equal rights for women. It's just one more option you have -- just like staying single and working 100 hour weeks as a CEO, or anything in between.

33girl · #5 01-05-2005, 12:56 PM

I thought this way when I was younger too. I think it's fairly natural unless you've been raised in a very untraditional environment. I used to say "I'm not going to get married until I'm 25!!"...the thought being of course, that 25 was sooooooooo old and I certainly would have done all the living I had to do by then, but this sounded so rebellious to me as I grew up with most of the people in my immediate orbit being married by age 22.

You grow out of it eventually as you go on with life, or you should - unless you want to be miserable because you didn't do so and so by so and so age.

I haven't seen anything on here that made me think people were putting UNDUE stress on it. Hell, it crossed my mind at age 15 that "shoot, I'm not going to be able to wear my monogrammed sweater when I get married." Things cross your mind and you have to remember that a lot of things that used to be solely internal end up on the internet these days.

Rudey · #6 01-05-2005, 12:58 PM

I have a feeling a lot of girls on this discussion board will never be proposed to so I'm thinking of setting up a mail-order groom service. Your grooms may come from Ghana, Russia, and Thailand.

-Rudey

Lady Pi Phi · #7 01-05-2005, 12:59 PM

If I never get married, I'm going to becoming a crazy old lady with lots of cats.

But seriously, like Lil' Hannah said, if it doesn't work out they way you planned/wanted then you adjust.

valkyrie · #8 01-05-2005, 01:00 PM

Oh, I totally agree that it's all about choices -- to me, feminism (ooh, I'll go there) is about supporting women to do whatever they want, no matter what that is, whether it's working or having kids or being a trophy wife or whatever. The thing that I think bothers me, though, is young women saying "I can't do X or Y because someday I'll get married..." I don't know.

I guess I'm just odd, lol. I was raised by two parents who are still married and vote republican, in the suburbs -- there was absolutely nothing untraditional about my life. However, it never even occurred to me to think about when I got married or when I had kids. I guess it's just me, and not everyone else.

I suppose I find the whole "when I get married" thing kind of fascinating because it's sort of foreign to me.

Rudey · #9 01-05-2005, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lady Pi Phi
If I never get married, I'm going to becoming a crazy old lady with lots of cats.

But seriously, like Lil' Hannah said, if it doesn't work out they way you planned/wanted then you adjust.

Will you buy the cats from the pet store or just feed the homeless ones outside and gradually start feeding them inside your house until they finally are yours?

I think my mail-order groom business may work better than cats for you.

-Rudey
--Just give it a chance

Lady Pi Phi · #10 01-05-2005, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Rudey
Will you buy the cats from the pet store or just feed the homeless ones outside and gradually start feeding them inside your house until they finally are yours?

I think my mail-order groom business may work better than cats for you.

-Rudey
--Just give it a chance

I will definitly be adopting the strays. I just don't think your mail order groom would be for me. Remember, I'm going for crazy here. What can your groom offer me?

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #11 01-05-2005, 01:48 PM

Cat food?

Rudey · #12 01-05-2005, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by HotDamnImAPhiMu
Cat food?

That's true.

Lady Pi Phi I believe it makes perfect sense. You can be a crazy old lady with lots of cats and a mail order groom who will buy cat food!

-Rudey

#13 01-05-2005, 02:04 PM

This is a great topic. I was talking to my mom about this just yesterday, mainly because the boyfriend who I thought "was IT" and I broke up on Sunday. I don't need a man to complete me, but I honestly do hope and pray that some day I will be married. I'm a very loving and affectionate person and I want to have someone to share that with, someone who is madly in love with me. I know that's a little fairy talish (my new word of the day, talish) but that's how I am. However, if I never do get married, I will see it as an opportunity to do many other fun and exciting things with my life. Maybe go on a trip to Eastern Europe with a friend, or go teach somewhere overseas, or something else exciting. I will not be devestated, but I honestly do hope that I get married. I want to have kids and a family.

jess_pom · #14 01-05-2005, 02:05 PM

Of course I dream about walking down the aisle and my first child, but I a part of me is always wondering whether I actually will ever find that man that will love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am. Without a crystal ball, I can't answer that question, but I'm still optimistic enough to still dream about that day.

AlethiaSi · #15 01-05-2005, 02:48 PM

I would like to think that i will get married someday- but I think awhile ago i realized that this might never happen. I've kind of resigned myself to this fact... my friends just think its me on a depressed pity party- but i know that it might be true.. i'm just trying to be real... so... i definately agree...