The "coffee date rec"

[AnchorAlumna]

Since we're in a bit of a lull right now, I'd like to bring up for discussion the "coffee date recommendation."
PNM calls up or e-mails sorority alumna out of the blue. Neither know each other. They agree to meet for coffee so they can chat and "alum can get to know PNM."
They chat...PNM hands alum resume...alum writes rec and mails to chapter.

This kind of rec, to me, is a total waste of time.

Recommendations are about character. I can get a list of their extracurriculars. I can get info about their grades.

But...is she selfish and pitch a fit when she doesn't get her way? Is she a party hearty girl? Does she run around with no parental controls? Does she sleep with anything that moves? Does she attend church/synagogue? Is she cruel to or supportive of younger students? Does drama follow her wherever she goes? You're not going to get that from a quick chat, even face to face.

I'd much rather read a rec from an alum who knows the PNM, but that's not always possible. Second choice - an alum who knows the family. Third choice - an alum from the same town who has asked around about the PNM and her family and talked to people who do know them.

[carnation]

Amen! Amen! Amen!

[Titchou]

I've managed to use these coffee dates as a way to get more info than was in the resume so I could ferret out if I had a connection I could use. And in most cases, something more would come out and I managed to find a friend that knew the woman. I wouldn't totally discount them but you do have to work them.

[DaffyKD]

I have had a couple of "coffee dates" for PNM's. I am not one to give glowing reviews based on my short meeting with these young ladies for several reasons:

1) Most of the time they wait until the very last minute to get the necessary rec. I hear from my alumnae chapter president that someone needs a rec, will I meet with her in less than 2 days. If you are going to wait until the last minute for something that is suppose to be important to you, will you let your chapter down by waiting until the last minute to accomplish a necessary task?

2) I find I don't get to really know the young ladies. I am spending 10 -30 minutes with them and they EXPECT a glowing review. I can read their resume, so can the chapter. As stated above, I have no idea about her character. I feel like they have not made any effort to locate anyone from Kappa Delta among those at school, work, family friends, etc. I have been made to feel that they don't know any Kappa Deltas because all of their family friends are from what they perceive to be "top tier" sororities.

When I fill out the recommendation, I make it clear to the chapter that this rec is based on a short meeting, I don't really know the young lady and I can only recommend based on the fact she was not strung out when I met her, the resume looks good, and she acted human in front of me but no idea what she is like outside of our coffee date. I have also been VERY bothered by the fact that I gave up my time to help them get the necessary rec but they don't let me know the outcome of their recruitment, never write a thank you note and act like we are obligated to do this for them.


DaffyKD

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by DaffyKD

I have also been VERY bothered by the fact that I gave up my time to help them get the necessary rec but they don't let me know the outcome of their recruitment, never write a thank you note and act like we are obligated to do this for them.

Yes!!

I've been tempted to attach to my recs a self-addressed, stamped envelope with a note enclosed that says:

"Dear SydneyK,

Thank you for your time. We value your input on the future of Kappa Delta.

Recruitment has ended and Rachel Rec (choose one): A. Was offered a bid and excitedly accepted it! B. Was offered a bid but declined. C. Was not offered a bid.

Again, thanks for your time. We know you're busy and appreciate your willingness to help. We couldn't do it without support from our alumnae.

AOT,
Whatever Chapter"

I obviously wouldn't ever do that, but there are times when it feels like tackiness is the only thing that gets through.

Thanks, DaffyKD, for reassuring me that I'm not the only one who feels this way!

Now I'm wondering if the lack of response/thank you note is a generational thing? Do any chapters send hand-written notes these days? Heck, I'd even settle for an email letting me know the outcome!

[HQWest]

Originally Posted by SydneyK

Yes!!

I've been tempted to attach to my recs a self-addressed, stamped envelope with a note enclosed that says:

"Dear SydneyK,

Thank you for your time. We value your input on the future of Kappa Delta.

Recruitment has ended and Rachel Rec (choose one): A. Was offered a bid and excitedly accepted it! B. Was offered a bid but declined. C. Was not offered a bid.

Again, thanks for your time. We know you're busy and appreciate your willingness to help. We couldn't do it without support from our alumnae.

AOT,
Whatever Chapter"

I obviously wouldn't ever do that, but there are times when it feels like tackiness is the only thing that gets through.

Thanks, DaffyKD, for reassuring me that I'm not the only one who feels this way!

Now I'm wondering if the lack of response/thank you note is a generational thing? Do any chapters send hand-written notes these days? Heck, I'd even settle for an email letting me know the outcome!

Ummmm at 45 cents per note for postage plus $1 each for stationary for 1200 girls + many girls had more than one note = at least $2000? I would say no, most chapters do not send a thank you note for every recommendation.

Some chapters have their new members send notes to whomever recommended them. That is very nice. Some of the NPC groups have a policy of notifying legacies of their status when they are dropped or bid. A few groups have a place where you can ask for her final status if a girl that you recommended is very special to you on their recommendation form.

[LAblondeGPhi]

I think general lack of organization is the big issue, especially in the weeks after recruitment. With almost all of the recruitment teams I worked with, it was a struggle to get much out of them after formal recruitment was over. If COB was happening, then all of their focus was on that, but usually reluctantly. They were just exhausted and totally ready to switch gears to classes and the rest of their lives.

In the related theme of general communication with alumnae, I see a lot of room for improvement in the way of social media and website updates. What I would really love to see is a newsletter letting alumnae know about recruitment results, chapter size and honors, gpa, leadership positions, notable events, etc. Sure, I can stalk my way to some of that information, but that's maybe just me.

[thetalady]

Originally Posted by DaffyKD

I have also been VERY bothered by the fact that I gave up my time to help them get the necessary rec but they don't let me know the outcome of their recruitment, never write a thank you note and act like we are obligated to do this for them. DaffyKD

I am pretty sure that DaffyKD meant that the PNM never bothers to write a thank you note, never bothers to let her know where or if she pledges and generally acts like WE (alumnae) are obligated to help them. This is simple, common courtesy which is sadly lacking in many young people... certainly not all, but many of them.

I find that the girls who wear pearls tend to observe social graces better than the ones with nose rings

[SydneyK]

I just re-read your post, DaffyKD, and I think I initially misunderstood.
You're saying it frustrates you when you don't get a 'thank-you' from the woman for whom you wrote a rec (and not the chapter), right? That irritates me, too.

I see where you're coming from, HQWest. The coffee date type recs I've written have been for particularly small chapters, so I was just speaking from my own experience. If I had ever written a rec for, say, Bama, I'm sure I'd feel differently.

[DaffyKD]

Originally Posted by thetalady

I am pretty sure that DaffyKD meant that the PNM never bothers to write a thank you note, never bothers to let her know where or if she pledges and generally acts like WE (alumnae) are obligated to help them. This is simple, common courtesy which is sadly lacking in many young people... certainly not all, but many of them.

I find that the girls who wear pearls tend to observe social graces better than the ones with nose rings

Yes, I meant the PNM. They have my e-mail address, they have my phone number. They have a means of communicating rather than expecting me to just send in a rec and be forgotten. The last 2 girls went to large schools-- LSU and Alabama. They are both out of state students. I have no idea how recruitment went for either of them. One went to a local prestigious private school, I am sure she could find teachers/family friends, etc who belong to every sorority. We even have 2 VERY active Alumnae Panhellenic chapters in the county. It takes them less than 2 minutes to say thanks for meeting me, I joined ABC and I appreciate the time you spent helping make this a successful recruitment.

DaffyKD

[ADqtPiMel]

Originally Posted by thetalady

I find that the girls who wear pearls tend to observe social graces better than the ones with nose rings

This seems completely unnecessary. I was raised to be polite, well-mannered and thoughtful. I write thank you notes and graciously thank people for their time. I encourage the chapters that I work with as an international officer for my organization to be considerate and gracious toward alumnae who contribute recs. I also have had a nose piercing and have visible tattoos, and the last time I wore pearls was to a "preppy" themed party in college.

Judging is not polite either.

[AnchorAlumna]

Originally Posted by thetalady

I find that the girls who wear pearls tend to observe social graces better than the ones with nose rings

Ya never know. First person I ever met with a nose ring AND tongue stud was a lovely chapter leader with impeccable manners. And some of the pearl girls were absolutely heedless.

[WhiteRose1912]

Originally Posted by thetalady

I find that the girls who wear pearls tend to observe social graces better than the ones with nose rings

1. Why would you even say this. So cheerfully, too.
2.

[thetalady]

Originally Posted by WhiteRose1912

1. Why would you even say this. So cheerfully, too.
2.

I was just trying to be humorous... you know, a joke? Sorry if it missed the mark.

[DubaiSis]

For the record, I HAVE gotten thank yous from my chapter for having sent a rec. I have NOT gotten one from a rushee. I would let the chapter off the hook and would be happy with a form letter thank you since presumably they get a couple hundred recs (estimating at that school). But the rushees in question had either no other or few other recs, which means the thank you or acknowledgement that they went through the process would have cost them 30 seconds via email or the cost of a stamp. Maybe that speaks to why they didn't end up in my chapter?