Why are so many people in their 20s taking so long to grow up?

[PiKA2001]

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/ma...t.html?_r=1&hp

It's a longer read but it's interesting and something most of us can relate to on some level.

[Alumiyum]

Don't have time to finish it right now (I will later), but the short answer for me (24 in less than a month, started another again in January) is that it's so hard to get a job with just a bachelor's degree I feel I HAVE to keep going.

I'm also in absolutely no hurry to get married, and am not interested in children...though I acknowledge that I might be later in life. I think if I felt confident I could get a big kid job without having to move home for several months or a year+, or if I were interested in getting married and starting a family at any point in the near future I'd be much more likely to stop at my bachelor's degree. This seems to be the line of thinking among my friends at the same point as I in life, except for the few that did get married or were able to secure real jobs right out of college.

[aephi alum]

Saw that article. Interesting.

I was a bit bristly at the milestones marking the transition to adulthood: "completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child". Guess I'll never be an adult! The reporter did backpedal by adding, "Some never achieve all five milestones, including those who are single or childless by choice, or unable to marry even if they wanted to because they’re gay."

That said... the whole idea of "emerging adulthood" is interesting.

As recently as 10 years ago, it was very unusual (though not unheard of) to finish school and go off and take a year or three to find yourself - you got your HS diploma or bachelor's or master's or Ph.D. and headed straight into the workforce, never to emerge until retirement.

Now, lots of people do it. A lot of people are doing it out of necessity - they can't find a job because the economy sucks, so they're doing unpaid internships or Teach for America or going back to school for a second bachelor's or a master's degree that they hadn't originally planned to earn. Others are doing it because Mom and Dad are willing to foot the bill, so they don't have to run out and get "a job, any job, right this second", so they can go off and backpack around Europe or whatever. (The article compares this to the Amish practice of rumspringa. You get to run around and do whatever for a couple of years, but you are then expected to come back to Amish life.)

I think the "go get a job vs. take a year or two off and bum around" thing is new, but the "marry and have children young vs. marry later if at all and have children later if at all" thing is not. Career opportunities for women began to pick up in the latter half of the 20th century, so it was no longer "necessary" for a woman to attach herself to a man at a young age for financial reasons. Reliable birth control also became available around the same time (the Pill was introduced in the early 1960s), giving women some control over when and how often they gave birth. We also have IVF and other infertility treatments, so if you want children, you don't have to race out and find a partner and get married and get pregnant before you turn 30 or 35 and your fertility drops off (for women). So it's ok to play the field for a while before choosing your life partner, whereas 60 years ago it was not. It's also perfectly socially acceptable these days to decide not to get married and/or to decide not to have children.

It'll be interesting to see how this plays out, to see if "emerging adulthood" gets recognition as its own life stage, or if we as a society start to really accept that it's OK not to follow the life script.

[AGDee]

Because they can? Parents are too willing to allow them to come back and live at home, in my opinion. I would never have considered living at home for longer than a month or two after college graduation. It wasn't comfortable to be there because my parents didn't make it easy for me to be there.

[epchick]

Originally Posted by AGDee

Parents are too willing to allow them to come back and live at home, in my opinion.

I know you and I have talked about this already, but I'm so grateful my parents are like this. When I was in college did I think "gee, when I graduate i'm going to move back home, mooch off my parents, and then eventually move out?" HELL NO. I made fun of my brother for that! I kept telling everyone I was NOT going to be like him. And then karma bit me in the ass.

I graduated 2 years ago. I changed my major 3 times to something that I thought (and was told) was more marketable, because there isn't much for Biology majors if you don't want to go to medical school or work in a lab.

Now I have a job, albeit one that isn't steady. I could move out if I so chose to, but then I'd have the worry of wondering what happens if I don't take so many 'jobs' (that is what we call subbing positions @ the schools) and I can't pay the rent, or utilities, or gas. So I stay at home.

If I could go back to freshman year of school, with the knowledge I have now. I'd go and do something completely different, so that I wouldn't be stuck in this predicament. But such is life, you don't get do overs....just gotta make it with what you have.


(Dee this wasn't directed at you, I was just using the quote as a springboard)

[aephi alum]

There is a difference between moving back in with your parents because you have to (you can't find a job that pays enough for rent, food, and other necessities - or you can't find a job at all - despite your best efforts) and moving back in with your parents because you don't want to have to work.

epchick, you're in the former situation, and you and your parents are no doubt expecting that you'll get back on your feet financially and move out at some point in the future - and that is perfectly fine.

I think Dee is talking about the latter situation, where parents say, "Sure, kid, come and live with us indefinitely," knowing that their child is not really motivated to get a job and be financially independent. Next thing you know, the "kid" is in his 50s or 60s and still living with - and mooching off - mom and dad.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

I think Dee is talking about the latter situation, where parents say, "Sure, kid, come and live with us indefinitely," knowing that their child is not really motivated to get a job and be financially independent. Next thing you know, the "kid" is in his 50s or 60s and still living with - and mooching off - mom and dad.

Sounds like my college ex-boyfriend. We're still good friends--and knowing how he lives now, I never wonder "what if."

I don't know how I felt about that article...I'm 29, single, and secure in my education and career. I'm not slacking, and I was pretty lucky to find a well-paying dream job at 24. That said, I'm ready for The Next Thing--marriage and a family--and it doesn't seem like anyone my age is really up for that. Very few of my friends have gotten married, and of those, none of them intend on having kids for a while.

[33girl]

I moved back in with my parents after graduation for a few years. I was working full time retail at the time. My mother was partially disabled by that time, so I also did a lot of things concerning my grandparents (her parents) that she couldn't do.

Some people think I was "spoiled" because I came back there and lived rent free but they have no idea what my day to day was like. I'd wager to say that among these "refusing to grow up" kids, there are probably some similar stories.

Out of my college and HS friends who married right after HS/college, the percentage of people who are actually still with that first spouse is about 50/50.

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by AGDee

Because they can? Parents are too willing to allow them to come back and live at home, in my opinion. I would never have considered living at home for longer than a month or two after college graduation. It wasn't comfortable to be there because my parents didn't make it easy for me to be there.

My parents have told me home is not an option unless it's between that and the streets, which is fine with me, because that's the only way I'm moving back home. It gives me motivation to get a job as quickly as I can once I'm finally done with school, because I badly want to avoid that situation. Though I can totally understand that some people have to, and that there is that possibility that I will have to. What I don't get is WANTING to live at home indefinitely after college.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Some people think I was "spoiled" because I came back there and lived rent free but they have no idea what my day to day was like. I'd wager to say that among these "refusing to grow up" kids, there are probably some similar stories.

Yes, one of my best girlfriends moved home right after graduation because her father had died earlier that year, and her grandmother about a year before that, and she was the only child of an only child and had to do a lot of estate stuff with her mom. It was definitely not a "fun" time for her.

[AGDee]

My ex-husband went to a commuter college, got his bachelor's degree, was working as an accountant in a stable job with enough money to move out but he was VERY comfortable at home. His mom waited on him hand and foot. He had NO financial or household responsibilities. He spent his money however he wanted and had no clue how to live on his own. THIS is the type of thing I'm talking about in my post. He had no motivation to move out because he had it way too easy. When we got married, he had never paid a bill, never washed a dish, cooked a meal or done laundry. He was completely useless at life. He hated that we had a budget because he was used to spending whatever he wanted on anything he wanted and we had a mortgage and soon after, a baby with day care expenses, clothes, diapers, formula, etc. It very well may have been the ultimate demise of our marriage. He'll make a better husband now that he's been completely on his own for ten years. I had to teach him how to cook so I could leave him.. pathetic!

I moved back home for two months until I got my first "real" job after college. During that time, I helped with household chores, cooked dinner every night (mom and dad were working, I wasn't, it made sense), did almost all the housework and studied for my registration exam (which I had to pass to be able to work). As soon as I started that first stable job, I moved out.

I know your situation epchick and you haven't been out of school all that long either. We are definitely in a tough economy right now but the article said the phenomena started before the economy tanked too. I also know you do a lot around the house, got signed up to substitute teach, etc. You weren't just mooching off of them.

I do think there are circumstances where I'd push my kids out of the nest and make them "sink or swim". If they sank too low, I'd probably help out but I think that personally, I'd be more likely to help pay the rent than have them live with me Or, if they do live with me, they will earn their keep by doing the housework, yard work, etc. They will ALWAYS have responsibilities. They have them already now and they continue to increase as they get older and can handle more.

[sceniczip]

My parents have said again and again that I can move home if I'd like to to save money. I'd have no problems doing that because I think it's nice of them to offer a stepping stone that they didn't have starting out. My guess is it would be for a year or so right after graduation. I don't want to move home because I like where I am now but I'm okay with it. I would contribute to household chores and such but they would not expect nor accept any monetary offer I made. If that makes me spoiled well so be it

My parents moved in with my grandparents (mom's parents) for about a year shortly after they had me. They had just moved back from Minnesota and decided to just live there for awhile. Built in babysitter I don't remember why they actually did it though.

[preciousjeni]

We invented adolescence. It's just being extended a bit.

[When Doves Cry]

I actually wanted to grow up really fast!
While I was in college, I was already thinking about marriage & kids & jobs.. I wanted to get out of college ASAP! But now that I am, I kind of want to go back. Though at the same time, I want to move forward.
The only thing holding me back is a low paying (although full-time) job so I can't afford to NOT live with my parents. I have $32,000 of school loans to pay back. Plus, my boyfriend is going into his 5th Year of college and doesn't want to get married until he's a year or 2 into his future job or med school. So I am STUCK. I can't force him to propose! Life is unfair sometimes.

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by When Doves Cry

I have $32,000 of school loans to pay back.

Wow! You really did great though. $32,000 seems like a lot but in the scheme of things, you got your thrift on.