Rude Friend - Advice?

[LeslieAGD]

I need some advice on how to handle a situation with a friend.

Some background info: We were friends in high school and roomed together our first year in college. After a stupid disagreement, we didn't talk for about 5 years. Then, about 3 years ago, we ran into each other at a restaurant and resumed our friendship. I consider her to be a decent friend, but I don't always feel comfortable telling her exactly what's on my mind.

So, I am pregnant and she had her baby two months ago. It's been really nice having a friend who is also a stay at home mom to talk pregnancy and babies with. Her baby was born premature and spent two weeks in the hospital, but since then we've e-mailed and I have gone to visit and spend the afternoon with her a few times.

Here's the situation: Every time my friend asks me to come visit, she invites me and always adds "why don't you bring breakfast/lunch/coffee/ice cream." Now, at first, this didn't seem like a big deal. The first time I visited, I picked coffee and I said I'd pay for it. The last two times I have brought over coffee, she hasn't paid me back (the last time, she took out her wallet but then said she didn't have change and didn't pay me back the next time I saw her like she said she would...but I didn't bring it up either). I really don't think she's trying to take advantage of me, but I am not working right now either and I have better things to spend my money on than her.

My problem is that I just don't know how to nicely tell her how I feel about the situation. Maybe I am overreacting but, now when she e-mails me, I dread making plans with her. I feel like she's not inviting me to visit, she's inviting me to bring her food...and she maybe she doesn't realize that she's doing it, but she's being presumptuous and she does it every single time she invites me over. I wouldn't have an issue with bringing over coffee or food if 1) she paid me, and 2) she didn't ask all the time.

Is there any nice way to talk to her about this? Thanks in advance.

[Senusret I]

I know I can be absent minded at times. I've owed people money and forgotten about it for a while. Then I have to call my friends and ask them "Do I still owe you money?" And they never remember whether I paid them back or not...but it's okay, because we do the same thing in reverse all the time.


But here is my point....rather than have a "conversation" about your "feelings" (those are always awkward) can't you be like "Girl, you know I am ba-roke! if I get the coffee this time, can you reimburse me when I get there?"

Then from that point on, you just alternate when you claim to be broke.

Sometimes little white lies are okay. I think.

[33girl]

Tell her you got stuck in traffic and didn't have time to stop. And anyway, you're there to see her, not eat/drink. If she gets pissed off, you really don't need to hang out w/ her anymore.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by LeslieAGD

I need some advice on how to handle a situation with a friend.

Some background info: We were friends in high school and roomed together our first year in college. After a stupid disagreement, we didn't talk for about 5 years. Then, about 3 years ago, we ran into each other at a restaurant and resumed our friendship. I consider her to be a decent friend, but I don't always feel comfortable telling her exactly what's on my mind.

So, I am pregnant and she had her baby two months ago. It's been really nice having a friend who is also a stay at home mom to talk pregnancy and babies with. Her baby was born premature and spent two weeks in the hospital, but since then we've e-mailed and I have gone to visit and spend the afternoon with her a few times.

Here's the situation: Every time my friend asks me to come visit, she invites me and always adds "why don't you bring breakfast/lunch/coffee/ice cream." Now, at first, this didn't seem like a big deal. The first time I visited, I picked coffee and I said I'd pay for it. The last two times I have brought over coffee, she hasn't paid me back (the last time, she took out her wallet but then said she didn't have change and didn't pay me back the next time I saw her like she said she would...but I didn't bring it up either). I really don't think she's trying to take advantage of me, but I am not working right now either and I have better things to spend my money on than her.

My problem is that I just don't know how to nicely tell her how I feel about the situation. Maybe I am overreacting but, now when she e-mails me, I dread making plans with her. I feel like she's not inviting me to visit, she's inviting me to bring her food...and she maybe she doesn't realize that she's doing it, but she's being presumptuous and she does it every single time she invites me over. I wouldn't have an issue with bringing over coffee or food if 1) she paid me, and 2) she didn't ask all the time.

Is there any nice way to talk to her about this? Thanks in advance.

Yeah...put your foot down...tell her no..and tell her you are just coming to visit.

Usually if someone INVITES you to visit THEY are serving THE GUEST.

or...flip the script and invite her and tell her to do the same.

[nittanyalum]

You can just jokingly say, "Hey, I'm having a baby here! What do you think, I'm made of money? All these coffees and lunches are taking diapers off her bottom!"

Or maybe you can volunteer to MAKE you both lunch from whatever's in her kitchen, telling her you really can't afford any extra expenses with the baby coming so soon.

Or just call her out on needing to pitch in, walk in with whatever you bought and tell her it was xx total, so 1/2 would be...

If you'd rather go the passive/aggressive route (which we women often like ) how about if you "forget" to pick up whatever you said you would on the way over? Get there and go "aw, jeez, I had a pregnant moment and totally forgot! And oh, look, I'm out of cash and don't have my debit card. Do you still want something? If you buy, I'll fly..." and see how she reacts. Then you can make a point out of paying her back next time you see her. My guess is that she's also distracted with the new baby and not focusing on anyone else right now; she probably also can't just run out to get a coffee or something to eat easily anymore and misses it.

[JennRN]

I'm going to agree with Daemon on this one-invite her over and have her pick something up on the way!

It seems like from what you said, and someone else pointed this out-she may not be able to get out and get these things like she used to, and may not even realize she's taking advantage of you. If it's really bothering you, next time you visit her, you could say "I'll be coming from another errand/event/whatever, so I may not be able to stop and pick up something". Something along those lines.

Plus, she's probably still hormonal and if you "discuss" this, she may flip out. I had a pregnant lady flip out on me because I asked if her babie's name was a family name.

[Velocity_14]

I am with Senusret and Nittanyalum. You can jokingly make a statement regarding being broke or asked if you will be reimbursed upon your arrival.

Unfortunately, not everyone is just absent-minded...some people just do what you allow them to do. So, if you don't like it...don't do it. If you are broke, then you are broke and she shouldn't take offense to that and you shouldn't feel bad about it either. You have to stay healthy and as stress free as you can because you are nurturing a young life too.

Honestly, you don't even have to have a conversation with her about it...you just need to break the habit and she will get the message that you won't bring something everytime you visit. She will be alright...

[texas*princess]

I'm with those who said to said to respond jokingly so she would get the point.

And like someone already mentiond, when someone invites you over, you are the guest... it sounds weird she is asking you to bring stuff like that every single time!

[AlphaFrog]

Honestly, I understand her asking you to bring (reasonable) things, and after you have your baby, you'll understand why. It seems like a marathon to leave the house for the simpliest task. And no matter how perfect you plan your baby's nap, somehow they always end up waking up and screaming their head off just a split second before whatever you are cooking starts to burn. Murphy's law, I guess. But the not paying you back? Not cool. If you're really okay with picking stuff up for her as long as she pays, bring that part up with her. If you're not okay with bringing things all the time, then start turning down invites.

The joking thing could work - I would probably say "Now when my baby comes, you're bringing me McD's/coffee/Taco Bell every week, right?"- as long as it doesn't come off sarcastic and aggessive.