living together before marriage: opinions?

[KSUViolet06]

I'm just looking for opinions on the subject, since we got into a discussion about this in class last week.

Any GC ladies live with their bf's/fiances? Do you recommend it? When do you think a couple is ready for that step?

If you're someone who DOESN'T think it's a good idea, why not?

Anybody here live with a guy and end up regretting it?

[sageofages]

I lived with Mr Sageofages for many years before I agreed to finally "jump the broom, become handfasted, put the ring through his nose"...aka....get married.

It worked for us, why mess with it? I think we used it as a way to work the kinks out of the relationship before we did the legal paperwork.

I am happy with how we started down our path, and thrilled to be finishing it up with him.

Our oldest daughter (28.5 years)...got married and left her husband after only 2.5 months!!! I finally paid for the divorce 3.5 years later!!! She has lived with two other men since then, and I consider both choices to be a complete mess.

Our youngest daughter married her husband the day before she graduated from HS. Heck family was coming into town anyway, why not? She was 18, not like I could stop her or anything. They "lived together" for a couple months from the time she turned 18, until their wedding 3 months later. They have been married 3.5 years now, and it has its ups and downs, but it seems to be working for them so far.

[AEPhiLC]

I currently live with my b/f of over a year (my longest and only live-in). I think for us, the decision was mutual and has been really beneficial. Like sageofages said, it helps work out the kinks. We both know that at some point a ring and the rest is coming, but at this point everyone basically considers us married. I think determing when you're ready depends on you. For us, it was just natural and I spent more time at his campus apt than my dorm room before we got our own place. Although it is a big step, I think it is worth it in the long run. I'd rather have a failed b/f than a failed marriage.

[BuckeyeTriDelta]

I currently live with my fiancé. I personally do recommend it. I feel I know going into the marriage what it is going to be like living with him for the rest of my life. I would rather have things worked out (who does dishes, laundry, trash, etc.) before we were married. I would rather find out his quirks now and learn to deal with them rather then wait until after we are married.

[SoEnchanting]

Been there, done that, and would NOT do it again unless I was engaged at the least.

[PeppyGPhiB]

I won't be doing it until there's a ring on my finger and wedding plans are underway. I know way too many women who have moved in with their boyfriends thinking it's a way to move the relationship along and all it's done was keep things in limbo. To each his own, but for me the next step in my committed relationship of two years is engagement. By this point, I've spent plenty enough time with him to know his pros and cons - you shouldn't have to live with someone to know that kind of stuff, and if you don't know it, that's probably a sign that you should not be movin' in with him/her.

Living together is not like marriage, so I've never really understood the "test" argument. Many people who live together before marriage never really make the mental leap to "married" and have a hard time adjusting to the idea that the person they're living with is now legally and financially bound to them, not just a roommate.

[Jimmy Choo]

I live with my boyfriend and it has worked well for us. We didn't really decide to do it, it just kinda happened. If we get married, great. If we don't, great. That's not really a big deal to us. If we do get married I'm glad we lived together first b/c at least I know what I'm getting into!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

I won't be doing it until there's a ring on my finger and wedding plans are underway. I know way too many women who have moved in with their boyfriends thinking it's a way to move the relationship along and all it's done was keep things in limbo. To each his own, but for me the next step in my committed relationship of two years is engagement. By this point, I've spent plenty enough time with him to know his pros and cons - you shouldn't have to live with someone to know that kind of stuff, and if you don't know it, that's probably a sign that you should not be movin' in with him/her.

Living together is not like marriage, so I've never really understood the "test" argument. Many people who live together before marriage never really make the mental leap to "married" and have a hard time adjusting to the idea that the person they're living with is now legally and financially bound to them, not just a roommate.

I totally agree with this.

My friends that lived together pre-engagement either broke up with the guy (often at great financial cost), or got divorced once they did marry.

[skylark]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

I won't be doing it until there's a ring on my finger and wedding plans are underway.

I agree with this for me personally. The only man I lived with was my husband, and that was after we had become engaged. I don't think it was really to "test" anything because the bumps in the road would have been there before or after the ceremony and I think we were just as committed to eachother once we were engaged as we were after the ceremony. We moved in together for my summers & december break during law school because I had a 12-month lease where my law school was and I needed a place to live in his area... our only time together besides the every-other-weekend visits while classes were in session.

Before being engaged, I don't think it would have worked as well. Without that knowledge that the other person isn't going to say "enough" after a big fight, it just isn't the same. It isn't as honest, I guess, and there's just a whole lot more game playing that goes along with the whole "will we or won't we get married" mentality. I guess if you're not interested in getting married, living together probably can't hurt.

What was actually the most beneficial thing for us was that before I moved in, my husband (then boyfriend) had a roommate for about a year. He is an only child and had never lived with anyone but his parents (and had been living by himself for a few years). His roommate made him quite a bit less anal about things being done HIS way and more tolerant of all the little things that people do that can be annoying. He also realized that (shocker!) he actually did a couple things that bothered others! When I finally moved in instead... I was kind of a breath of fresh air, I think. Plus, of course, I cook a lot better than his roommate.

[KSUViolet06]

My sentiments about living together are similar to PhoenixAzul's.

If you live together, what happens when you get married? Nothing. Everything's the same (unless you're relocating afterwards). You go on your honeymoon, you come home, you go back to work. I want to have the experience of moving into "our first place" after marriage.

Also, the "test run" argument: if you are spending enough time together and asking enough questions, you'll find out about every little "quirk" he has. You can find that stuff out without living with someone.

I'm also deterred with the SHEER NUMBER of girls I know who have been "totally in love" who move in together because they're "totally just going to get married eventually anyway." They give up everything, have no financial security, and then have it go bad and they have nothing. I couldn't deal with that.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by lilsunshine214

A lot of times there's a big difference between theory and practice. In theory, you may promise to make dinner every night and the other person may promise to clean up everything afterwards. In reality, there are scheduling conflicts, laziness, and long days that get in the way. I think way too many people walk into marriage assuming that the theory is going to work and then run because it doesn't. I've seen it happen to too many couples. They walk in with monumental expectations and walk away because their fantasies weren't fulfilled.

But I think this confuses realistic expectations with unrealistic expectations. I think KSUViolet06 is describing someone who has realistic expectations, asks honest questions and makes honest observations before deciding to tie the knot. What you have described is someone with unrealistic expectations.

I think that people with realistic expectations can usually figure out what they need to figure out without living together. They may still choose to live together, of course, but they'd know what they need to know either way. On the other hand, people with unrealistic expectations are in for a bumpy ride no matter what.

For my money, good premarital counseling is more important that anything else.

[Infamous12]

Originally Posted by 1908Revelations

I'm too lazy to go back and find who said this but I would rather be engaged and wedding plans underway before I live with someone. Also, there must be discussion of what is expected and when. But that is a road that I will have to cross when I get there and it seems no where in sight.

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

I won't be doing it until there's a ring on my finger and wedding plans are underway. I know way too many women who have moved in with their boyfriends thinking it's a way to move the relationship along and all it's done was keep things in limbo. To each his own, but for me the next step in my committed relationship of two years is engagement. By this point, I've spent plenty enough time with him to know his pros and cons - you shouldn't have to live with someone to know that kind of stuff, and if you don't know it, that's probably a sign that you should not be movin' in with him/her.

Living together is not like marriage, so I've never really understood the "test" argument. Many people who live together before marriage never really make the mental leap to "married" and have a hard time adjusting to the idea that the person they're living with is now legally and financially bound to them, not just a roommate.

There you go TWIN, I quoted it for you. My views are straight from PeppyGPhiB's and KSUViolet mouths. If you ask the right questions and are around each other then you'll begin to truly know each other and their 'quirks'. Once I have the proposal and REAL plans are underway (read: Not "oh we're going to get married in a couple years", Not "I think that's the path we're headed" But Julie is our wedding planner. Venue is the church. This is the date.) then I'm all about moving in and living together. If it happens before then, I think folks can get too comfortable in 'playing house' and feel a false sense of security c) ladies who move in and give up their everything only to find out that it doesn't work.

<--- strong advocate of pre-marital counseling, marriage renewal retreats & partner prayer.

[Drolefille]

My bf and I discussed it at several points in the relationship. At the time our reasonings were that this way we wouldn't have to find random roommates and/or we'd save money over renting by ourselves. Also we'd been dating for several years and thought we could handle it. It was never a way to take our relationship to the "next" level or anything like that.

However we decided against it for several reasons, the Catholicism thing makes both of our families against it (for the most part, my mom is probably the most flexible as far as that goes) and honestly has an effect on our own opinions as well. Plus I'm the messy one in the relationship and I'm still working on getting a handle on that to where he's comfortable with it. He doesn't want to clean up after me, and I don't blame him

So in the end we decided not to, I'm not sure we never will, but just like we're not ready to get married yet (though I think we will be eventually) we're not ready for that step now.

Not really an opinion either way, but there you go. I did have a classmate recently try and convince me that not moving in was just me living my life based on my parents' rules... because I mentioned they were against it as well. It was sort of odd the way she did it, but she's also almost 10 years older than I am and I don't think she took that into consideration.

[AGDee]

I think it's a huge decision, but I would never marry again without living with him first. I disagree that it's not a good test. I don't think I would have married either (two) of my ex-husbands had I lived with them first. The things that made me end up hating them would have come out if we'd lived together first, but there was no way for me to see the issues before actually living with them. I don't think you can know a person until you've lived with them. I know many people who lived with their best friend from high school when they went to college and ended up hating each other after living together. I realize a friendship is different in some ways to a marriage, but again, there are just some things you can't know until you've lived together, especially if one of you is living at home until you marry.

[nittanyalum]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I disagree that it's not a good test.

I agree with her disagreement. I take cars for a test drive before I buy them, too.