Is there a nice way to....

FSUZeta · #1 05-01-2007, 03:49 PM

my daughter had been invited to go bowling with a group of friends, but the day of the event had to decline because she felt ill. a few days later, she ran into several of the guys who did go bowling and apologized to them for having to cancel. she asked them to give her a call the next time they go bowling and they said they would. as she was going on her way, one of the guys says,"hey, maybe we can grab a coffee sometime", and she said sure. then she realized that he meant coffee for just the two of them, not the other kids and it took her by surprise. she likes this guy as a friend, and only a friend. she would be happy to grab a coffee with him as a friend, but he meant it as a date.

the question is: does anyone have a nice way to say "i like you as a friend, but i am not interested in a dating relationship with you"? she and i had a discussion about this, and neither of us could come up with a gentle, kind way to say that. i have asked several friends and none of them had an answer either. anyone?

Kevin · #2 05-01-2007, 03:52 PM

What is wrong with telling the guy that she's not interested in dating him? Sometimes direct, honest communication is your best bet if you want to clearly communicate your feelings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

my daughter had been invited to go bowling with a group of friends, but the day of the event had to decline because she felt ill. a few days later, she ran into several of the guys who did go bowling and apologized to them for having to cancel. she asked them to give her a call the next time they go bowling and they said they would. as she was going on her way, one of the guys says,"hey, maybe we can grab a coffee sometime", and she said sure. then she realized that he meant coffee for just the two of them, not the other kids and it took her by surprise. she likes this guy as a friend, and only a friend. she would be happy to grab a coffee with him as a friend, but he meant it as a date.

the question is: does anyone have a nice way to say "i like you as a friend, but i am not interested in a dating relationship with you"? she and i had a discussion about this, and neither of us could come up with a gentle, kind way to say that. i have asked several friends and none of them had an answer either. anyone?

AlexMack · #3 05-01-2007, 03:54 PM

She could say that she just doesn't have enough time to dedicate to an actual dating relationship right now in between the sorority (I'm assuming this is the zeta daughter

), schoolwork etc. and that if she was to pursue a relationship with anyone she would want to make sure that she had enough of herself to give.
Something like that-only problem is if she meets another guy she really likes two weeks later and suddenly has the time :P

Also Kevin is right...it may hurt at first but being direct is seriously the way to go. No crossed lines or miscommunication.

AlphaFrog · #4 05-01-2007, 03:56 PM

Honestly - I would tell her to go with the assumption that it's as friends (define that by her paying for her own coffee). If it comes up, she can say that she thought they were going for coffee as friends, and if it doesn't come up, she can say as she's leaving "It's been great hanging out, I'm glad we're friends". Cheesy - but it gets the point across.

1908Revelations · #5 05-01-2007, 03:56 PM

Tell you daughter to say something like

"Man I bet Jane and Jill would love to get a mocha late', when do you want us to go?"
If he persist she shold tell him in a joking, but serious way...
"Joe...you know I see you as a cousin"

or

Tell her to retract her offer, and that she dosen't want to date him.

I am having a hard time putting it in kid terms, because I am quite blunt (always have been), so I've never had any confusion in the i'm-your-guy-friend-but-i-want-to-date-you department. My mom was always the nice one....me...I am like my grandmother

!

ETA.
I didn't mean to put kid terms, without asking how old your daughter is. sorry.

James · #6 05-01-2007, 04:21 PM

The only thing that would be bad about that is if the guy is honestly just being friendly.

Then he might be insulted that she assumed that he was hitting on her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin

What is wrong with telling the guy that she's not interested in dating him? Sometimes direct, honest communication is your best bet if you want to clearly communicate your feelings.

Kevin · #7 05-01-2007, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James

The only thing that would be bad about that is if the guy is honestly just being friendly.

Then he might be insulted that she assumed that he was hitting on her.

That's how he should play it off anyhow -- dating is a game of lies and deceit. From what I gather, she really doesn't seem to care that much about this guy. Better to hurt his feelings than to lead him on for an extended period of time.

Cardinal026 · #8 05-01-2007, 04:39 PM

I think the best plan is like AlphaFrog said, to go assuming its as friends (because he didn't explicitly say otherwise) and pay for her own coffee, etc. If it gets brought up as a date, then she could say that she likes him as a friend, but just that. Honesty works best...that way there can't be any hurt feelings later down the road, like if she does start dating someone else after making up an excuse to this guy.

James · #9 05-01-2007, 04:51 PM

I have an easier answer. Don't go

Just don't go as an event. I mean grab a cup of coffee in the cafeteria or whatever, but not like a meeting.

Only girls would stress about this anyway lol

ASSrules! · #10 05-01-2007, 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James

I have an easier answer. Don't go

Just don't go as an event. I mean grab a cup of coffee in the cafeteria or whatever, but not like a meeting.

Only girls would stress about this anyway lol

Dude you're so right...I think they should each get a cup of coffee and meet in a chatroom. That way it's totally safe.

christiangirl · #11 05-01-2007, 10:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cardinal026

I think the best plan is like AlphaFrog said, to go assuming its as friends (because he didn't explicitly say otherwise) and pay for her own coffee, etc. If it gets brought up as a date, then she could say that she likes him as a friend, but just that. Honesty works best...that way there can't be any hurt feelings later down the road, like if she does start dating someone else after making up an excuse to this guy.

Ditto.

I think that's her best bet short of not going. But then, he's just ask for a raincheck and she'd be in the same predicament a week later.

cheerfulgreek · #12 05-02-2007, 12:41 AM

I wouldn't go. Some guys get the wrong impression. It happened to me. I started a thread on it a while back, needing some advice. I wasn't attracted to the guy, but I agreed to go out with him but only as friends. Well, to make a long story short, he kept calling me and making unexpected visits. I felt bad, but I had to tell him that I didn't like him the way he liked me. I wouldn't do it again. She should just say no thanks. It just eliminates a lot of potential problems.

Scandia · #13 05-02-2007, 06:44 AM

I'd go as friends and pay my own way.

If he asks me out again and it seems like an obvious date, I would then say "no thanks". If asked why, I would say "I do not think we are a good match for each other" or some other objective excuse that does not make him feel bad in any way.

_Lisa_ · #14 05-02-2007, 07:39 AM

I think most guys would be bothered by "I do not think we are a good match for each other" because it opens up a conversation as to what makes them not a good match!

Your daughter should go have coffee with him, pay for her own & keep it as "friend-like" as possible.

cheerfulgreek · #15 05-02-2007, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scandia

I'd go as friends and pay my own way.

If he asks me out again and it seems like an obvious date, I would then say "no thanks". If asked why, I would say "I do not think we are a good match for each other" or some other objective excuse that does not make him feel bad in any way.

Why even go? Scandia, don't you think he would get the wrong impression? Guys usually don't ask a girl out unless he's interested in her, especially if she knows she's attractive to the opposite sex.