Dilemma DA or Stay

Dilemma44 · #1 09-06-2007, 04:15 PM

I've searched and read posts on disaffiliation and depledging for awhile on this website, but now I reach a juncture where I must soon choose to either stay in my organization or DA.

Right now my mind is completely torn as to whether or not I should stay or go. As many of you have probably been through what I'm going through I thought I might ask you guys and gals for your opinion on this matter. So here goes...

I rushed this fraternity for 3 quarters. First quarter I was just a silly incoming freshman wanting to get drunk and go to parties. Second quarter was just because I had nothing better to do. I had never ever thought I would just an org because I, like many other people out there had skewed perceptions garnered from TV Shows and Movies as to what a fraternity really was. (I know now that organizations are different from what is portrayed in Media.) Third quarter, I finally decided to just give it a try. Afterall "You can quit at anytime" was the pledge they gave me.

So I went to the interview, received a bid and the next week I was at my first meeting. When I was rushing, the brothers had told me that "We are a non hazing fraternity" Same with all the other rushes I had attended. I knew this was BS, I knew there was going to be some sort of hazing in this organization, but I could not fathom what they were going to do or what was to come. How could I?

As a pledge, every event was shrouded in mystery until it actually happened. Because when you are in the midst of a ritual, quitting never crosses your mind. Only finishing.

With this kind of mentality, the rituals were able to gradually become more and more ludicrous with more and more "challenges" Aka hazing. When any pledge tried to quit the brothers gave them a hard time about it using "But you've already put so much time into it" as a justification of why they should stay. So I stayed until the end. I passed I week and crossed. But I was yet to be initiated.

The initiation process was always shrouded in mystery, but now I realize it involves taking wood. To me, it was only a reminder of all the lies my brothers had told me before I became one of them. I literally asked one of them if I was going to get paddled. They stared me in the eye and said no.

So my question to you guys is this. Should I stay in this organization or should I DA? if I DA theres no way I can ever join another org on my campus, but if I stay, will I be able to respect myself in the morning? Everything that has been done has been against my morals but I thought: "I'm just pledging everyone goes through it. It's tradition. It builds brotherhood." there were a million reasons why I stuck through it, and to this day I still feel like the hazing and rituals during pledging taught me much about strength through adversity.

It's just that I don't think I can really respect myself if i am expected to lie to the pledges, which is basically what they are asking me to do. I also cannot expect myself to accept getting wood from someone because of some antiquidated notion of tradition. If it had been a punishment for doing something wrong then maybe. But just because "everyone before you has done it." doesn't seem to cut it with me.

The actual process of getting wood doesnt worry me because compared to pledging, this is nothing. However, it's my morals that get in the way. Granted that the brotherhood my fraternity shares is very much strong and alive, that is about the only thing I agree with in the organization. The hazing, the lies, and everything else is something I cannot accept. So at this point my dilemma lies in the fact that by giving up this fraternity, I will be closing myself to an entire social group which I have gotten to know well. I feel as if I am turning my back on the brothers that gave me a bid in the first place. I stand to lose much by DA(Brothers,Social Status,Chance to ever be in another Org) but how can I stay in the organization knowing that I disagree with so many of the things going on within it? What should I do?

Tom Earp · #2 09-06-2007, 04:34 PM

Not knowing which GLO You are with, it is a judgement call.

If you wish to get a PM or PM me. please feel free!

cuteASAbug · #3 09-06-2007, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dilemma44

The actual process of getting wood doesnt worry me because compared to pledging, this is nothing. However, it's my morals that get in the way. Granted that the brotherhood my fraternity shares is very much strong and alive, that is about the only thing I agree with in the organization. The hazing, the lies, and everything else is something I cannot accept. So at this point my dilemma lies in the fact that by giving up this fraternity, I will be closing myself to an entire social group which I have gotten to know well. I feel as if I am turning my back on the brothers that gave me a bid in the first place. I stand to lose much by DA(Brothers,Social Status,Chance to ever be in another Org) but how can I stay in the organization knowing that I disagree with so many of the things going on within it? What should I do?

I have to say that your post was kind of long and I didn't read it in detail, but I have to question your integrity if you're willing to stay in an organization that goes against your morals simply because you want the social status that comes with it.

Dilemma44 · #4 09-06-2007, 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cuteASAbug

I have to say that your post was kind of long and I didn't read it in detail, but I have to question your integrity if you're willing to stay in an organization that goes against your morals simply because you want the social status that comes with it.

Touche, however, my original post may have come off as a bit callous. I meant to say that I have made some real friendships during my time pledging, and while my pledge brothers have assured me that they will be with me no matter what I decide, I'm pretty sure not everyone would be so forgiving. What I am loathe to give up is the friendships I have made. I guess one can argue that if someone breaks off a friendship because you are doing something you want to do then he isn't your friend at all but somehow I keep convincing myself that I'm the one that's doing the betrayal if I DA

tld221 · #5 09-06-2007, 04:43 PM

isn't it a little early for all this deactivation talk?

Dilemma44 · #6 09-06-2007, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tld221

isn't it a little early for all this deactivation talk?

Granted I just got into the fraternity and have not experienced much beyong pledging, I feel like I've gotten a taste of what it is and so far there is alot that I didnt expect to happen within the brotherhood. If I wait then I will be initialized, I will take the wood and then it will be that much harder to turn my back on the organization. Even now the choice is so incredibly hard. How will I feel if I am initialized and then decide to DA?

ladygreek · #7 09-06-2007, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dilemma44

Touche, however, my original post may have come off as a bit callous. I meant to say that I have made some real friendships during my time pledging, and while my pledge brothers have assured me that they will be with me no matter what I decide, I'm pretty sure not everyone would be so forgiving. What I am loathe to give up is the friendships I have made. I guess one can argue that if someone breaks off a friendship because you are doing something you want to do then he isn't your friend at all but somehow I keep convincing myself that I'm the one that's doing the betrayal if I DA

Stay. You and your lbs could be the catalyst for change.

SydneyK · #8 09-06-2007, 04:53 PM

Initialized? Is this D9-lingo that I've just not heard? Is this the same as initiated?

Dilemma44 · #9 09-06-2007, 04:54 PM

i meant initiated, sorry. :P

fantASTic · #10 09-06-2007, 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladygreek

Stay. You and your lbs could be the catalyst for change.

QFT. If you really feel as though you would be missing out if you left, then stay and change the system.

rhoyaltempest · #11 09-06-2007, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SydneyK

Initialized? Is this D9-lingo that I've just not heard? Is this the same as initiated?

I don't think he is D9. He said the brothers gave him a "bid." We don't use that term.

Lightning Bug! · #12 09-06-2007, 06:03 PM

Two thoughts:

First, why don't you try staying, but when they attempt to haze you, just say no? Just laugh and say that you're not going to do X, that's dumb, and then see what happens. If they tell you that you have to do X or quit, then tell them you'll quit. Maybe they'll let you walk out the door, but you won't know until you try. They may be hazing just because all other pledges have let them get away with it.

Second thought -- my husband was pledge class president, and he quit the week before initiation because he was sick of the disrespect. He said it was a very hard thing to do, since he had built his social life around his fraternity, but he was just too disgusted to stay. It worked out fine for him, and I've always respected him for being that brave.

Good luck!

cutie_cat_4ever · #13 09-06-2007, 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dilemma44

I passed I week and crossed. But I was yet to be initiated.

Isn't crossing the same as being initiated? I'm confused...so are you still in pledge period?

cutie_cat_4ever · #14 09-06-2007, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lightning Bug!

Second thought -- my husband was pledge class president, and he quit the week before initiation because he was sick of the disrespect. He said it was a very hard thing to do, since he had built his social life around his fraternity, but he was just too disgusted to stay. It worked out fine for him, and I've always respected him for being that brave.

Good luck!

This exactly happen to one of my good friends. She was her class president, but she too couldn't take the pressure and other things that was going on. She quit the week before, and she was the only one who quit in her pledge class. Next thing you knew, she went to rush for a professional sorority and was happy ever since then.

Dilemma44 · #15 09-06-2007, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cutie_cat_4ever

Isn't crossing the same as being initiated? I'm confused...so are you still in pledge period?

To Answer your question it's different. When you are pledging you are expected to greet and follow the traditions of a pledge (respect and so on) you cannot disobey the command of a brother. however, after you cross its basically like you are already a brother. you just havent undergone the actual initiation.