1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet
UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include
something from each of the four major male food groups:
Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine
bars throughout the country, not all men are cretins
deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only
joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or
tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room
is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie
Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with
roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their
infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around
a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the
answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through
"Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he
stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked
at another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt".
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you
have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item
butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine.
As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow
with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in
the shower.
35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine,
Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to
wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you.
Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than
him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these
people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections
bald spot/beer gut/impossibly
thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until
the halftime show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:
"You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here
having freaky circus sex all night?"
44. Just because this list doesn't have as many entries as yours doesn't
mean it's worse. SO GET OFF MY GOD DAMN BACK!
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