My little is a ghost sister--NEED ADVICE

[LSuz19]

Hello Everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on my little. She is a ghost sister, and barely goes to events. I always reach out to her and see if she is going to something, but she always has something going on...especially with her family. It breaks my heart because she is missing out on so many amazing opportunities that the chapter offers. I have told her this before, and I have also told to her remember why she is part of the sorority. She didn't respond much to it, but it seemed like she knew I was upset. She is going into her third year of the sorority, and I have just graduated. I am also moving to another state, and will no longer be near her, my sisters, and my alma mater. THIS IS WHERE I AM TERRIFIED!! It hurts to leave her behind...really badly. I won't be able to push her to go to things anymore...especially when I am living in another state and don't know what my chapter is up to. Another thing I am worried about is never becoming a grandbig due to her frequent absences. Our chapter did formal and informal recruitment this past year, and she missed out on two opportunities to take a little. She wants to be a big, and I have told her what she needs to do if she wants a little. However, I feel that she is not listening to me. Now with two recruitments that my chapter had...I feel it is going to make it that much harder for her to get a little. I also feel that she has not really gotten to know any of the girls from the informal recruitment. I do have another little, but sadly she is not coming back to school this year. She is also my second and last little. Luckily, she will still be near the school. I have told my other little to try and hang out with her as much as possible. She told me she was going to try (they are two completely different people). I know my first little, the one that is MIA a lot, will not disaffiliate because she does like the sorority, but I hate how she isn't putting time into it and just her money. It's even harder just to try, and hang out with her in general.

I'm really stuck because she is my first little and I do love her. It is really hard on me because I am moving and not going to be around to help her. Does anyone have any advice they could give me, or have been in a situation where their little does not come around often?

Thanks y'all!

[FSUZeta]

Step back. No matter how hard you try, you can not make someone want to get the full benefit of sorority membership. Badgering her to attend events, to take a little, no matter how often and how insistent you are will not change her, and could possibly ruin your relationship with her.

You have done your duty-you have guided her, let her know about events, invited her to do things with you-you have done all you could do. She is an adult-she makes her own decisions and she has to live with the decisions she makes, and you need to accept that.

[andthen]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

Step back. No matter how hard you try, you can not make someone want to get the full benefit of sorority membership. Badgering her to attend events, to take a little, no matter how often and how insistent you are will not change her, and could possibly ruin your relationship with her.

You have done your duty-you have guided her, let her know about events, invited her to do things with you-you have done all you could do. She is an adult-she makes her own decisions and she has to live with the decisions she makes, and you need to accept that.

I agree 110% with what FSUZeta is telling you. I'm sure your heart is in the right place and you want your little to have the same sorority opportunities that you had and that is to be commended. But unfortunately your little has to make her own choices and learn from those choices. Sometimes there's positives and sometimes there are negative. Ultimately regardless of how hard you tried, your little may look back on her collegiate days, and she will either feel at peace about not being super involved or she might regret. Either way its her choice to make and her life to live.

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by LSuz19

Hello Everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on my little. She is a ghost sister, and barely goes to events. I always reach out to her and see if she is going to something, but she always has something going on...especially with her family. It breaks my heart because she is missing out on so many amazing opportunities that the chapter offers. I have told her this before, and I have also told to her remember why she is part of the sorority. She didn't respond much to it, but it seemed like she knew I was upset. She is going into her third year of the sorority, and I have just graduated. I am also moving to another state, and will no longer be near her, my sisters, and my alma mater. THIS IS WHERE I AM TERRIFIED!! It hurts to leave her behind...really badly. I won't be able to push her to go to things anymore...especially when I am living in another state and don't know what my chapter is up to. Another thing I am worried about is never becoming a grandbig due to her frequent absences. Our chapter did formal and informal recruitment this past year, and she missed out on two opportunities to take a little. She wants to be a big, and I have told her what she needs to do if she wants a little. However, I feel that she is not listening to me. Now with two recruitments that my chapter had...I feel it is going to make it that much harder for her to get a little. I also feel that she has not really gotten to know any of the girls from the informal recruitment. I do have another little, but sadly she is not coming back to school this year. She is also my second and last little. Luckily, she will still be near the school. I have told my other little to try and hang out with her as much as possible. She told me she was going to try (they are two completely different people). I know my first little, the one that is MIA a lot, will not disaffiliate because she does like the sorority, but I hate how she isn't putting time into it and just her money. It's even harder just to try, and hang out with her in general.

I'm really stuck because she is my first little and I do love her. It is really hard on me because I am moving and not going to be around to help her. Does anyone have any advice they could give me, or have been in a situation where their little does not come around often?

Thanks y'all!

Let go. Let it go. Let her go. You can't make anyone say, do, feel, or think anything they don't want to - and she is a perfect example of that. Despite all your efforts, she isnt doing what you want. There are all kinds of members in a sorority. She may not be participating for reasons about which you know nothing. Your help may not be helping her. Don't judge. Let her find her path. She may blossom after you leave. All is not lost.

[LAblondeGPhi]

I agree.

I sounds like you've taken a lot of effort to try to engage her in sorority activities, but from what I'm reading, it sounds like you've been maybe pestering her a bit. Sometimes that can turn people away. She may have other things going on in her life that she feels take priority - you mentioned that she's often busy doing things with her family - and she may feel that your priorities are not in sync with hers.

I would recommend giving up on the idea of having a grandlittle (that's the wrong thing to focus on), and maybe ask a couple of the younger women to keep a special eye out on your little when you're gone. And I don't just mean pestering her about going to sorority events, I mean texting her or calling her when people are going out to the movies or shopping, having study dates, and other non-sorority things. If she's involved in other activities, make sure that people are showing up to her non-sorority events to show support (performances, fundraisers, etc.)

A sorority needs a mix of girls - the ones who are supper involved AND the ones who pay dues, show up to mandatory events, and are involved in things outside the chapter.

[33girl]

You've done all you can do. If your line dies out, yes that kind of sucks, but you did all you can do. You mentioned her family - do they put a lot of pressure on her for grades or in other ways?

[LSuz19]

Thank you so much everyone! I know I have been a bit pushy, but a lot of y'all are right about how she needs to make her own choices. I have asked a few sisters to look out for her and they will do their best. And 33girl, I don't think her family has out any pressure on her about grades. She lives with her mom and step dad, but she's very content with it.

[adpiucf]

She's made her choices, and she seems happy with them. Not everyone is rah rah super involved with their sorority, and that's ok. Be a good friend and sister to her, and continue to encourage her, but accept that she is getting something different out of her membership than you did and be ok with it. Congrats on graduating!

[DeltaBetaBaby]

If you are leaving, you might consider asking some other members to check in on her from time to time. Not in a badgering way, but to reach out to her once in a while once you are gone.