Daughter is a legacy and was cut

UNCalum · #1 01-22-2013, 11:10 AM

Hello, everyone! My daughter is a First year, and went through Rush in the fall. She was shocked and hurt when she was cut by my house at my alma mater. I remember how hard it was to cut a legacy...we had to get special permission from our national office, and we had to have specific reasons to "release" her. She kept her head up, and continued to rush, but dropped out before Pref night when she couldn't picture herself in any of the houses she had left.
My daughter has been approached by some friends to participate in Spring rush.... evidently it's for houses that either didn't make quota or had girls drop out. These girls are at a house that she liked, but didn't love.

From what I've heard, her story isn't unique. SO many girls were broken-hearted after Fall rush. She's asked me for my opinion of what to do. Should she go through Spring rush and potentially pledge a house that she "kind-of liked" or wait til Fall and start over again with a clean slate?

MysticCat · #2 01-22-2013, 11:16 AM

University of North Carolina?
University of Northern Colorado?

UNCalum · #3 01-22-2013, 11:22 AM

Sorry! University of North Carolina. (I'm new at this!)

AlphaFrog · #4 01-22-2013, 11:25 AM

The question she needs to ask herself is if she would rather not be Greek at all than be in the chapters that are recruiting her. If the answer is yes, she should wait for next Formal, knowing that there's a really good chance she won't fare much better. Her other option is to give the chapter a shot. If she decides it's not for her, she can depledge and do Formal. There's the added stigma of having broken a pledge, but I don't know that it's MUCH worse than being a re-rush.

Old_Row · #5 01-22-2013, 11:40 AM

I thInk things have changed a lot since you were in school. There are a lot more legacies as each generation gets to school. We can't keep them all and decisions sometimes have to be made.

I don't get how someone can think they don't like a chapter that they have several friends in. You already like them and have something in common. It always sounds to me like someone is more worried about chapter reputation than being honest with themselves about where they really fit in.

If she rushes again it won't be a clean slate like you said. She's been through and got cut before so there's a good chance those houses will cut her again unless something really changes between now and then. I think she should go through again only if she's really honest with herself and believes she will be ok not being Greek at all and can also survive a bunch more rejection because that could definitely happen.

ADPiEE · #6 01-22-2013, 11:43 AM

I'm so sorry this happened. As a fellow mom, this is one of the fears that I have for my daughter. One thing that I do know is that, especially at schools in the south with smaller quotas, there's a good chance that there are more legacies going through recruitment than quota and lots of double, triple legacies.

I agree with the advice given above. Please keep us posted!

33girl · #7 01-22-2013, 11:53 AM

Did her friends approach her about going through spring rush IN GENERAL, or about joining their group in particular?

Because if it's the former, it may not mean that they think she fits their chapter - more that they want her to check the other groups out and are trying to be Panhellenic.

On a side note - I looked on their website and it seems like ALL the sororities are coming to the kickoff event (even the ones who don't have room for more members). Isn't this the same thing that they did at UF that we all agreed on here was misleading and a waste of time to the PNMs and hurt the sororities who do need members even more?

http://www.uncpanhellenic.com/recrui...3-recruitment/

irishpipes · #8 01-22-2013, 12:42 PM

I think legacy status at some schools is of decreasing importance in membership selection. There are so many legacies at some chapters, that the "automatic" in just can't be in place anymore. I know this varies from campus to campus and chapter to chapter, but it does seem like in general it doesn't carry the weight that it used to.

As for spring recruitment versus formal, only your daughter can decide that. It seems that sophomores do get bids an UNC, but unless she has done things to make her a better candidate for membership than she was last fall, she will have an added strike against her that she didn't have before. If her grades and activities are better than they were as a freshman, and if she has developed relationships with sorority members this year, maybe that would overshadow her sophomore status. I would also suggest that she obtain solid recs for each sorority before doing formal again.

UNCalum · #9 01-22-2013, 12:52 PM

Wow! Thanks for all of the advice! I have a couple of questions...

Do girls in a sorority actually remember from year to year who they cut? I rationalized it that 25% or so will graduate and 25% or so will be new sisters, so only a portion of the girls might remember my daughter having been cut. Do they keep notes from year to year? (with legacies, I bet they actually do). So to re-rush my house will likely give the same results?

Also, from what I understand, ALL of the houses on campus have to be present at the Spring Rush kick-off. Even the ones that have no intention of taking any new pledges. I agree that it will be misleading and probably detrimental to the houses that may not be top tier, but really want to add girls. It's also (in my opinion) condescending to the girls planning to atte

thetalady · #10 01-22-2013, 01:00 PM

YES, Mom... the chapters will know who was cut previously. The reason may not matter the second time around, but they almost certainly know that she is re-rushing. Keeping notes is not the issue. We cannot possibly guess if your chapter will cut her again or not.

If I was in your position, I would remind my daughter that she still had chapters to choose from prior to pref. Think of all the girls that had NO chapters to choose from? How much would they have loved to have those same choices? Being in a sorority is a gift of sisterhood. Hopefully she can decide to appreciate & accept that gift from those who offered it to her, rather than focusing on the chapter that she thought she had to have.

thetalady · #11 01-22-2013, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UNCalum

I agree that it will be misleading and probably detrimental to the houses that may not be top tier, but really want to add girls. It's also (in my opinion) condescending to the girls planning to atte

Please, please, please STOP this "top tier" thinking. It does nothing but hurt in many ways. Every group has things to offer, every sorority has a sisterhood that they treasure. That is what matters.

ree-Xi · #12 01-22-2013, 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thetalady

YES, Mom... the chapters will know who was cut previously. The reason may not matter the second time around, but they almost certainly know that she is re-rushing. Keeping notes is not the issue. We cannot possibly guess if your chapter will cut her again or not.

If I was in your position, I would remind my daughter that she still had chapters to choose from prior to pref. Think of all the girls that had NO chapters to choose from? How much would they have loved to have those same choices? Being in a sorority is a gift of sisterhood. Hopefully she can decide to appreciate & accept that gift from those who offered it to her, rather than focusing on the chapter that she thought she had to have.

I LOVE this!! Sisterhood is a gift.

irishpipes · #13 01-22-2013, 01:16 PM

By having every group attend, UNC may be attempting to de-stigmatize spring recruitment, as well as letting PNMs know that there are more choices so that they can make informed decisions about spring recruitment versus fall formal. (We get a lot of new members posting that they accepted a COB bid without checking out any other groups and have buyer's remorse.)

Your daughter needs to prepare herself for the reality that it will never be easier as a sophomore - she needs to know her options may be even more limited than they were the previous year. Although UNC isn't as competitive as the SEC, she should plan to have recs for every chapter. She will need to evaluate before recruitment if she would be comfortable accepting a bid to a chapter that isn't "top tier." The tier mentality is difficult for a 19 year old to ignore, but it may preclude her from having a great greek experience. In that same vein, she would be wise to seriously consider the groups recruiting this spring. I think the legacy chapter ship has sailed - she needs to pretend they aren't on campus and look at the other chapters as if they are the only options.

Cane94G8r97 · #14 01-22-2013, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thetalady

Please, please, please STOP this "top tier" thinking. It does nothing but hurt in many ways. Every group has things to offer, every sorority has a sisterhood that they treasure. That is what matters.

Very true words... almost every organization has a chapter at a school where they are doing extrememly well, and a chapter at a differnet school where they might be struggling. "Tiers" mean nothing once you graduate, and you are an alumna SIGNIFICANTLY longer than you are a collegian.

gee_ess · #15 01-22-2013, 02:07 PM

I'll just add that I think it would be helpful to have given some clear and honest thought to why your daughter did not do well in formal. Was she from out of state? Did she not have recs? Was the general scoop on her that she ONLY wanted to be an XYZ? How was her GPA? Has she made friends with girls in the various houses who might be pulling for her next year?

As mentioned in earlier posts, if she has vastly improved whatever contributed to her results last time, this can make a difference. But only you and your daughter can truly know that.

I agree with 33girl. If she has friends in a specific group and they are asking her to look at their group, then that is a positive sign.

In the end, you have to ask her if her goal is to be Greek - to have a sisterhood, to make memories, to benefit from a lifetime of associations with her sisters. OR does she only want to be an XYZ because that might not be possible.