"These are the rules!" But you didn't understand....

[cheerfulgreek]

In this thread we discuss rules that our parents had that we as children had to be obedient to. We didn't understand as children, but as adults we now understand.

My parents were strict on curfew. From as early as I could remember, up until high school, I had to be in the house (from playing outside) by 7pm, and in the bed by 8pm. When I turned 16, and I got my driver's license, I had a curfew of 10:30pm with a 30 minute grace period (I still don't understand the grace period point ). The only exception was when I went to prom. I think if I had kids, especially in this day and age, I think I would be a nervous wreck. I think my rules would be more strict than theirs lol.

[TonyB06]

A few I remember...

As a kid, you never interjected yourself into adult’s conversations unless you were asked into them.

If you had something and your sibling didn’t, you had to share…or get it taken from you.

No curfew, per se, ….. I could stay out till 4 a.m. on a Saturday night if I wanted, but I was getting up for church on Sunday morning; and there wasn’t going to be a discussion about it, either.

As a parent, I don’t have a lot of "rules." I just have to trust that the examples I've tried to show and discussions I’ve had with my kids will take hold. My eldest just finished her freshman year, living on campus. I was nervous, texted her 3x a day the first week+ of the semester, but I know what her mom and I put in her. She did fine (honor roll student, (3.8 gpa,) made lots of friends, active on campus) and is doing great.

I, on the other hand, had to learn to calm down.

When your time comes, you’ll be fine.

[AZTheta]

Pretty much food related (of course! Italians, you know):

You don't leave the dinner table without being granted permission to be excused.

You drink all your milk. (UGH)

You have to take three bites of something you don't like. Not an option to refuse.

The "Clean Plate Club" is a club you want to belong to - but there are no benefits. So I was never a member.

Weird, but I don't recall any other rules, other than food-centered ones. That's probably because I was a very picky eater and skinny beyond belief as a child. Sigh. Otherwise, I had a LOT of freedom.

[OPhiAGinger]

Growing up in the deep South, my parents were very big on us saying "yes, ma'am" and "yes, sir". Now that I'm a parent, I totally get it. It's a way of acknowledging that the adult they are talking to is not a peer, that they command a higher degree of respect than a fellow child would.

I don't enforce this with my own kids when they are addressing other adults because it tends to weird out the adults. We don't live in the South and, in general, younger adults didn't grow up with this norm. But I do make my kids say "yes, Mama" and "no, Mama" when they're talking to me, especially if they're sulky about a decision I have handed down. When I insist that they say that, they stop arguing abruptly. They don't know why, but I'm positive it's because they are unconsciously acknowledging my authority to make and enforce the rules… even if it's just about them picking up their dirty clothes from the floor of the bathroom.

[Low D Flat]

I STILL don't understand curfew.

My classmates raised all kinds of hell, but they did it before 11 PM. How does that make it better? What's the difference? The question ought to be what you're doing and with whom, not what time it is.

[pshsx1]

I hated that I had to make my bed every morning. Now, older, I understand that putting my bed in order kind of starts the trend for the rest of my day.

I also hated having to do the dishes right after dinner, despite the fact that we've had a dishwasher my entire life. But, the same lesson has come into play. I just feel better when everything is back in order after I'm done using it and I feel truly relaxed when I get to relax.

[Nanners52674]

My dad's biggest rule when I was high school was instituted after I took a bottle of Captain Morgan from his liquor cabinet. "I don't care if you drink, but if you can't afford it you don't steal it from me"

No curfew but I had to call if plans changed and check in and such.

Oh and to this day I'm not allowed to swear, damn and Jesus Christ are also serious no no's with my dad.

[TonyB06]

Originally Posted by Low D Flat

I STILL don't understand curfew.

My classmates raised all kinds of hell, but they did it before 11 PM. How does that make it better? What's the difference? The question ought to be what you're doing and with whom, not what time it is.

I don't think it's geared so much for high schoolers as it is trying to get them out of the way of an older crowd. I think most mature events, clubs and such generally run a lot later than most teens can handle anyway. The later it gets, the more nefarious the activity, for those so inclined. I think "curfew" right or wrong, tries to get teens out of that pathway.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by OPhiAGinger

Growing up in the deep South, my parents were very big on us saying "yes, ma'am" and "yes, sir". Now that I'm a parent, I totally get it. It's a way of acknowledging that the adult they are talking to is not a peer, that they command a higher degree of respect than a fellow child would.

I don't enforce this with my own kids when they are addressing other adults because it tends to weird out the adults. We don't live in the South and, in general, younger adults didn't grow up with this norm.

There's a guy at my company who's probably about 30-35 years my senior, and he refers to me (and every other woman) as ma'am. It's weird. After moving to the south, I expected to hear it more, but I don't feel like it's necessary to use it every day with your co-workers. And I'd like to believe that at 30, I should still be considered a miss.

Originally Posted by Low D Flat

I STILL don't understand curfew.

My classmates raised all kinds of hell, but they did it before 11 PM. How does that make it better? What's the difference? The question ought to be what you're doing and with whom, not what time it is.

This. As a teenager, I never had a curfew. However, I was always home at a reasonable time, I didn't drink or do drugs, and I hung out with a good group of friends. My mom would say, "When everyone else goes home, you should too." And when I was in college and I'd come home for the summer, she "didn't care" where I was or who I was with, just as long as I sent her a text if I wasn't coming back until morning.

She told me a story about her one friend in high school with the strictest parents. This girl would leave the house, change her clothes once out of her parents' sight, hang out with guys when she said she was with her girl friends, get into all kinds of trouble, and still make it back home to be in bed by 10:30.

Originally Posted by pshsx1

I hated that I had to make my bed every morning. Now, older, I understand that putting my bed in order kind of starts the trend for the rest of my day.

You should watch this commencement speech, if you haven't seen it already:

http://blogs.militarytimes.com/scoop...make-your-bed/

[PrettyBoy]

I really didn't have a direct curfew, per se, as long as I called home when I got to my destination, and when I was leaving on the way home. My parents were more strict on who I surrounded myself with, if anything. They never really had to worry about that, though because I had only one really close friend who at the time was my best friend. I met him when he was 6 and I was 8. We stayed best friends up until he passed at age 30 in a plane crash. So I really didn't run with too many people with the exception of the kids I grew up with when I was kid.

My two best friends today, I met in college and they are still my running buddies, the problem is one lives in Cleveland and the other in Columbus LOL. But we still talk on the phone and text almost daily. Here I have folks I hang out with from church on occasion.

I would say the only thing where my dad didn't play and was strict on was my relationship with my brother and sister and pretty much our relationship with each other. Because of that, we are very close. I come from a very close, tight, spiritual family which both of my parents are big and strict about. That, and good character/manners/respect/integrity. They were pretty laid back with most everything else.

[KSUViolet06]

I actually never had curfew either.

My parents were really permissive because they knew I was a pretty good kid and was going to be home by like, 12:30 anyway.

Some of my friends' parents were not allowed to see rated R movies or buy albums with parental advisory stickers in middle and HS. I remember buying Nas albums with my allowance in 7th grade.

See also: concerts. I had friends whose parents wouldn't EVER allow them to go to certain things. I was the only one of my group allowed to go to the Up In Smoke tour (Eminem and Dr. Dre) in like 10th grade because my parents knew it was just a concert and that I wouldn't end up dropping out and getting stoned because of it.

[StealthMode]

Add me to the No Curfew Club.

I had very few rules growing up because I was a "good kid." I wasn't interested in partying and sneaking off with boys or other stereotypical teen activities. I loved going for walks and was annoyed at the "no walks after dark" rule. I was too boneheaded to understand what could happen to a kid out walking the streets by herself in the dark but am grateful for that rule now.

The biggest "aha" moment I've had as an adult is the rule that you speak to everyone when you come into a room. I thought it was totally stupid and unnecessary to have to greet and hug everyone individually. Once when I was 14, I ran into the house and bolted straight to the bathroom because I had to go so badly. I said hurried "Hi" to my dog (who was in my direct line of sight) but not to my dad who had been sitting in the corner. The second I came out of the bathroom, I was grounded. It seemed so harsh and unfair. But as an adult, I can only imagine how it felt to have your youngest child greet the dog and not you. My dad and I had a seriously strained relationship during my teens but, even with the things he'd done, he didn't deserve that. I now understand the common courtesy of acknowledging someone's presence because I now know how it feels to have someone say hello to a select few people and pass you like you're not even there.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by Low D Flat

I STILL don't understand curfew.

My classmates raised all kinds of hell, but they did it before 11 PM. How does that make it better? What's the difference? The question ought to be what you're doing and with whom, not what time it is.

In my household, the curfew isn't about what they're doing at that time of night, it is about the fact that I won't sleep soundly until I know they are home safe and sound. The kids' car isn't the most reliable, so there is a high risk of it breaking down, and there are more drunk drivers on the road during later hours so a part of me is worrying, even when I'm "asleep", whether they'll get home safely when they are out. Plus, if my phone is going to ring after I'm asleep for me to come and get them from somewhere, I want it to be at a reasonable hour.

I had a curfew. I also had a lot of food rules (also Italian). Instead of 3 bites though, I had to eat as many as I was old (in years). So when I was 8, I had to eat 8 peas. To this day, I don't understand that. My mom always said I'd grow to like those foods I hated, but I never did. It was torture trying to choke down lima beans and peas. Ick. I did not make that rule for my kids.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I had a curfew. I also had a lot of food rules (also Italian). Instead of 3 bites though, I had to eat as many as I was old (in years). So when I was 8, I had to eat 8 peas.

I only had to eat 1 bite of everything, but I had to do it without making a face. If I made a face, then that meant try again. My mother finally figured out it was a lost cause with beets and tomato aspic.

As for curfew, I really only had one if I was on a date; then it was 15 minutes after her parents said she had to be home.

[Sciencewoman]

I agree with AGDee...the curfew is more about the parents knowing that the kid is home safe at an hour that reasonably aligns with the parents' bedtime. I trust my kids, but I do worry about drunk drivers, etc.

The summer after my freshman year of college, my mother told me she was worried that I'd turned into "an all-night partier" -- her angst-ridden tone suggested that "all-night partier" ranked slightly below "ax murderer" on her scale of nefarious activities available to teens.

So, I made a conscious effort to be cool when my daughter came home last summer, and I told her that I'd appreciate her staying in touch if she was out later, so I'd know she was OK.

MC, what do you think your parents were worried about happening AFTER you dropped off your dates? I'm trying to figure out that logic...I'd be more more concerned about the date itself, not your speed of return afterward.