depledging

[CUBuffsFan19]

I have a question for all of you, I recently accepted a bid to pledge (2 days ago) a fraternity, and am already thinking about depledging since to be honest I didnt really enjoy my first few days in it and probably didnt get to know the guys as well as I should have during rush. So my question is, do you think it is a better idea to depledge now? OR to tough it out and see if I enjoy myself down the road? Also if anyone knows how the depledge process works, I would be very grateful if you could give me some information. Thank You

[Buttonz]

I think a question to ask yourself is why you didn't enjoy the first few days, and why you accepted abid in the first place if you didn't get to know the brothers that well.

[EE-BO]

Originally Posted by CUBuffsFan19

I have a question for all of you, I recently accepted a bid to pledge (2 days ago) a fraternity, and am already thinking about depledging since to be honest I didnt really enjoy my first few days in it and probably didnt get to know the guys as well as I should have during rush. So my question is, do you think it is a better idea to depledge now? OR to tough it out and see if I enjoy myself down the road? Also if anyone knows how the depledge process works, I would be very grateful if you could give me some information. Thank You

This is more common that you might think. I have rarely seen the pledge class that is the same size at initiation as it was at the beginning. And many guys who depledge go somewhere else in a future semester. It is easier for guys to do that than it is for ladies.

As for toughing it out- you have to decide whether you have prejudged it, but there is one very practical consideration. That consideration is money. Have you paid dues yet? There are non-refundable fees you will pay, but if you have not paid out dues, when do you have to come up with that money? If finances are part of the issue for you, then this is a valid consideration.

Otherwise, my general advice would be to stick it out for at least 3-4 weeks if you are truly unsure. Pledgeship is a tough process and it takes some getting used to for some people. It is not even a matter of whether a house is "hazing" or not- you are in a situation where you have made a time commitment and will be told what to do for a while. It is natural to resist that to a certain degree until you see the value of a pledging period and the benefits of brotherhood.

And so of course you will question whether it is worth it. We all did at some point.

So I say give it a chance provided you are not being forced to do things you have moral objections to, or which are clearly dangerous. If this is your motive for leaving, then best to go now because pledgeship does not get easier as it goes along- and if you feel uncomfortable now, it will not improve with time.

If you are more concerned with the overall commitment and wondering what to expect, then give it some time.

Have you been assigned a Big Brother yet? That can be a good person to talk to. Or other pledge brothers. Don't necessarily say you are thinking about leaving, but do ask them what they think of the chapter and what they are getting out of it etc.

Look at the actives in the house too. What are they doing? Are the academically oriented. Are they sports oriented? Do they have a lot of socials with sororities? Do a large number of the guys drink heavily several times a week?

If you look at the actives you will see your future in that house. And it is not just about how most people are turning out, but about whether people have room to grow in different directions.

Every house has the guy who graduates 50 times more a man than when he started. And every house has the guy who puts on 50-60+ pounds and gets drunk every single day.

But within those and other categories, are there general trends with lots of guys of a particular type?

These are the things to ask yourself. When you walk around campus wearing fraternity letters, everyone who sees you will judge you on first impression based on the other guys in that chapter and the house's reputation.

Is that a reputation you want? For those of us who went through, the answer is yes. But we did not necessarily know for sure this early in pledgeship.

Hope this helps you find the right answer for yourself.

[EE-BO]

PS- As for the depledging process, it is pretty informal in my experience. I was president of my pledge class, and the guys who dropped out of my class either came to me or to their big brother to talk things over and then turn in their pledge pin and other materials. The chapter will deal with all the paperwork issues and you won't have to sign anything.

If you do not have a big brother yet or a pledge class president you want to approach, talk to an officer in the fraternity.

The chapter wanted you since they gave you a bid, so you at least owe them the courtesy of having an honest conversation with someone when you leave.

And that can impact your future pledging opportunities as well. Even at large schools the Greek community is a small world. How you go about the depledging process will say a lot about your character and if you handle it like a man then you should not have trouble rushing again and going somewhere else.

But if you just disappear and say f*** it, that will come back to bite you. During rush, I often checked in with friends at other houses to get their take on guys coming through- especially sophomores who might have had a past elsewhere. So if you decide to leave, be honest and up front about why and leave on good terms.

[GDIfly]

Originally Posted by EE-BO

So I say give it a chance provided you are not being forced to do things you have moral objections to, or which are clearly dangerous. If this is your motive for leaving, then best to go now because pledgeship does not get easier as it goes along- and if you feel uncomfortable now, it will not improve with time.

I am hoping I'm misunderstanding this paragraph. Are you telling him that if the reason he wants to leave is because he is being forced to do things that are dangerous then he should just quit because it will only get worse?
Wouldn't a better suggestion be to talk to an officer of the school's IFC or the fraternity's national HQ and report the hazing?

[EE-BO]

Originally Posted by GDIfly

I am hoping I'm misunderstanding this paragraph. Are you telling him that if the reason he wants to leave is because he is being forced to do things that are dangerous then he should just quit because it will only get worse?
Wouldn't a better suggestion be to talk to an officer of the school's IFC or the fraternity's national HQ and report the hazing?

That is his choice whether to report it. I would hope he would if there are truly dangerous activities taking place, but I felt no need to go down that path yet unless he offers specific situations that concern him. And report it or not, he would leave anyway.

Moral objections and perceived danger vary widely by person. I am not comfortable telling a stranger on an internet forum how to deal with these things. My goal is just to provide advice about the likely realities to come and other general thoughts so a person can make up his own mind.

Whether to report specific activities I think is something to consider internally and discuss with a confidential counselor, family and friends if need be. If he reports something that is not nearly as bad as he thinks, it will kill his chances to join another house if that is what he wants to do.

I know that sounds crazy, but there is a lot about pledgeship that is well within state, federal and IHQ regulation that kids don't necessarily like or understand to be important as part of any rite of passage.

If a person wants to report something to an outside party, that is a whole other question- which I will explore if the OP asks.

[JonInKC]

If you choose to depledge, you will have to walk through a corridor of brothers who will turn their backs to you as you walk by them.

Okay, maybe not, but it would be cool.

[CUBuffsFan19]

thank you very much EE-BO for all the helpful information. Just to clarify there was absolutely no hazing (unless you count unforced underage drinking, which I wouldnt) they are a good group of guys, its just after spending some time with them I just realized I honestly dont have the time or commitment that they are looking for. I also thought that this would be a good time for me to seriously think about whether I want to commit myself, since we havent gotten big bros yet or even done our Pledge Ceremony, this way I dont waste any of their time, and vice-versa (plus i havent spent any money, except the money I had to spend to register for Rush).

[Elephant Walk]

f you choose to depledge, you will have to walk through a corridor of brothers who will turn their backs to you as you walk by them.

Okay, maybe not, but it would be cool.

...ya'll don't do that?

Are you serious? To depledge, it is at least gentlemanly if not honorable to do it in the middle of your pledge meeting...and your former pledge brothers walk you out.

[EE-BO]

Originally Posted by CUBuffsFan19

thank you very much EE-BO for all the helpful information. Just to clarify there was absolutely no hazing (unless you count unforced underage drinking, which I wouldnt) they are a good group of guys, its just after spending some time with them I just realized I honestly dont have the time or commitment that they are looking for. I also thought that this would be a good time for me to seriously think about whether I want to commit myself, since we havent gotten big bros yet or even done our Pledge Ceremony, this way I dont waste any of their time, and vice-versa (plus i havent spent any money, except the money I had to spend to register for Rush).

Hey man,

Glad to help. Since you have now clarified the only issue is one of time commitment, let me pose one question to you since it appears from this post that it is the time commitment that has you worried.

Has the chapter given you a tenative schedule for the semester letting you know when you need to be around- or have you at least been given that long list of things you have to do?

I ask because many guys get filled with all this information at once and it seems overwhelming. Fraternities are the best way to develop leadership skills while in college, but keep in mind that active members are just starting to learn these skills and sometimes it is difficult to achieve the balance of impressing on pledges the time commitment required and yet not go so far as to chase away good guys.

In my experience- in dealing with my chapter and in observations of others- the greatest loss of pledges happens in the first 2 weeks. You sometimes lose one or two at the end as well. But most of the time people quit up front.

And I think very often good guys give up so quickly because they are away from home for the first time- already overwhelmed with being on their own in college- and now here is a whole bunch more to do.

I am not disagreeing with your decision- just offering a more specific line of thought now that you have said more about why you are thinking of leaving.

If you really like these guys and this chapter, if financial or parental issues are not a problem and if all that is really bothering you is the time commitment- I would suggest giving it 3-4 weeks to see what you think.

I say that because I have very rarely seen someone depledge as a result of having to devote too much time to a fraternity they like.

I have seen guys depledge because it turns out they did not like the house they had chosen- and so every second spent over there was time wasted- but not in a situation where the pledge was looking forward to being part of the chapter.

Final advice if I may- your life is going to change dramatically in the next four years. Much of what matters to you now will change a lot before you graduate.

But one thing that will never change is regret for not having accepted a challenge.

If your sole worry is the time commitment issue and you are otherwise excited about this, please give it a try for a few weeks. We were all overwhelmed at that first meeting where our duties were laid out before us, but we did it.

And if you depledge down the road for good reasons and leave like man (meaning not just disappearing), no one will hold it against you.

Pledgeship takes a lot of work, but a good pledge program is just as much work for the actives running it as it is for the pledges. You have a lot to prove to the chapter, but they have a lot to prove to you as well.

Wanting to leave now before they give you a big bro and all is a noble thought- but only if you really feel you have given it a chance and found it was not truly working.

Anyhow- hope this helps. Good luck to you either way.

[BirdDog]

If you depledge you shouldn't have been pinned anyways. Pledge semester sucks and hell week is going to kill you. If you don't want it, don't do it.

[sisterzip]

Is there anyone in the fraternity that you can talk to? A big brother or someone else. I dont know your situation but when I went through pledgeship there were somedays when I was close to wanting to quit. Now that I have been a sister for over a year I am glad that I stuck it through. However If you honestly feel its not for you then leave. Brotherhood is life long. I have seen girls come through my sorority, do all the hard pledge work then disaper. Why work hard for something you are not even going to be part of

[Elephant Walk]

Depledge now.

[adpiucf]

To depledge, just inform your pledgemaster or chapter president of your decision. You may want to put something in writing/dated to them via email so that you don't get hit with a bill later for dues that you didn't commit to and you have proof of the date you depledged so you don't get hit with overdue late fees and dues notices. Something along the lines of "Dear Pledgemaster Paul, It is with regret that I inform you of my decision to depledge ABC Fraternity. I appreciate the opportunity to have met the brothers and look forward to maintaining a friendly relationship with the people I have met in ABC. For reasons beyond my control, I will be unable to fulfil the requirements of pledgeship this term. Thank you for your understanding. Sincerely, Petey the Pledge".

Depledging is not the end of the world. While it is common to question your choice of bids no matter if it was your top choice or not, if you have taken the time to think it over and you don't want to be in this fraternity, you don't need to be a martyr.

[highflyerlaura]

Originally Posted by sisterzip

Is there anyone in the fraternity that you can talk to? A big brother or someone else. I dont know your situation but when I went through pledgeship there were somedays when I was close to wanting to quit. Now that I have been a sister for over a year I am glad that I stuck it through. However If you honestly feel its not for you then leave. Brotherhood is life long. I have seen girls come through my sorority, do all the hard pledge work then disaper. Why work hard for something you are not even going to be part of

I agree with Sisterzip. Find someone in the frat that you trust thats been in it for a while and have a talk to them about your worries and reasons first. I've never been in a frat/sorority before (plan on joining a service sorority when I go on exchange next year though) though I have been in a lot of similar things before. I reccomend that you at least give yourself and them a chance, since as the semester progresses you will find that you will have more free-time and energy than you presently think that you have. Assuming that you are a freshman, you will soon find out that after you get through the first 6-8 weeks things start to settle down some because by then you should have settled in to your new routine and your lecturers should have settled down with the work some.

I'd still give them a shot and talk to a senior member that you trust first, though thats your decision.