Hyphenated last names

[cheerfulgreek]

Earlier today, I was talking to one of my classmates who's engaged, but she wants to hyphenate her last name when she marries her fiance'. Apparently, he's making a big deal out of it and doesn't want to go through with it unless she uses his last name, only. Seriously? I mean, if I were married, I personally would rather just use my husband's last name, but I totally don't think anything is wrong with someone who prefers hyphenated last names. I just don't get why he's making a huge deal out of it. I mean, if she loves him and he loves her, why is it a big deal? Good grief, it's just a last name. Thoughts/opinions?

[DrPhil]

I'm a huge proponent of hyphenated last names or just adding his last name after yours. I prefer the hyphen because people can't shorten that.

I was my last name all of my life and he can't show up and erase that. Many of my friends either have hyphenated last names or never added his or her name at all.

ETA: He's making a big deal out of it because of the nature of patriarchy and male dominance.

[SWTXBelle]

I had a hyphenated last name during my first marriage - it was a major pain in the butt. People didn't know where to put me alphabetically and were constantly mangling it. I don't recommend it. My last name before my marriage was my father's, not my mother's - and what would my daughters do when they married - have a triple-hyphenated name?
Currently my maiden name is my middle name - I took the last name of my husband, but still retained my previous name. I'm happy with it.

[carnation]

I hyphenated because I'd done so much research under my maiden name. However, the 2 names together were really long and one day, the school was getting new nameplates for our doors and my hyphenated name wouldn't fit on the door.

We were expecting our first child by then so I just gave up on it and used my husband's name.

[DSTRen13]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Earlier today, I was talking to one of my classmates who's engaged, but she wants to hyphenate her last name when she marries her fiance'. Apparently, he's making a big deal out of it and doesn't want to go through with it unless she uses his last name, only. Seriously? I mean, if I were married, I personally would rather use my husband's last name, but I totally don't think anything is wrong with someone who prefers hyphenated last names. I just don't get why he's making a huge deal out of it. I mean, if she loves him and he loves her, why is it a big deal? Good grief, it's just a last name. Thoughts/opinions?

If my husband had reacted that way, I honestly don't think I would have married him. It is a values issue, and if you can't agree on something like that, then it really doesn't bode well for the long term.

(Neither myself nor my husband were willing to give up our last names, and so we decided - since we do plan to eventually have children and would like to have one name together as a family - to hyphenate them as MyLastName-HisLastName and both legally change our names to that.)

ETA: And just before anyone asks the inevitable question - "But what're your kids supposed to do? Add *another* hyphen??" - that would be entirely up to them. I could see either doing either MyLastNameORHisLastName-TheirSpouse'sLastName, or just keeping their name, or just taking their spouse's name. I don't see why on earth I would choose my last name based on what my hypothetical future children would potentially choose to do at some hypothetical future time.

[AGDee]

I don't think the issue between those two is hyphenated names, honestly. This sounds like a power struggle/control issue and it would be a huge red flag to me regarding how conflicts will be dealt with later.

That said, I have co-workers who kept their maiden names completely. One doesn't care if things come to Mr. & Dr. HisLastName. Another one has an absolute fit. It's hard to figure out how to address their Christmas card so I don't mail one to them, I had deliver it to her at work with their first names all on the front. As she will attest, (and with moms I know who changed their names when they got remarried and subsequently have a different last name than their kids), teachers/schools/club leaders, etc. are almost always going to mess it up. I also think it's hard then to name the kids. Which name do they get? It adds a lot of confusion. However, if they want to live with that, more power to them.

I missed my maiden name when I got married the first time, so when I got married the second time, I legally changed my middle name to my maiden name. So now, I am legally FirstName MaidenName LastName. My middle name was Marie before anyway... along with half the people I know from my generation! I wasn't attached to it in anyway.

People should do what's right for them. This guy sounds like a total jerk to me though. If he's freaking out this much about a name, what's he going to do about serious stuff?

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DSTRen13

If my husband had reacted that way, I honestly don't think I would have married him. It is a values issue, and if you can't agree on something like that, then it really doesn't bode well for the long term.

Yep. That's what I told her. It's just that I don't know why they're just now having this discussion.

[Kappamd]

My BF and I discussed this recently, and I was surprised to find out how strongly he felt about me taking his last name. It wasn't a "deal-breaker" by any means, but I know he would be extremely disappointed if I chose not to. I don't have strong feelings for or against it, and more than likely would have taken it anyways. However, I did tell him that we best be married by the time I graduate with that M.D. behind my name, because it's not changing after that.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I don't think the issue between those two is hyphenated names, honestly. This sounds like a power struggle/control issue and it would be a huge red flag to me regarding how conflicts will be dealt with later.

This guy sounds like a total jerk to me though. If he's freaking out this much about a name, what's he going to do about serious stuff?

THIS

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by DSTRen13

(Neither myself nor my husband were willing to give up our last names, and so we decided - since we do plan to eventually have children and would like to have one name together as a family - to hyphenate them as MyLastName-HisLastName and both legally change our names to that.)

A colleague did that. I think it's awesome.

Most men would feel too manhood-challenged to do that.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by DSTRen13

I don't see why on earth I would choose my last name based on what my hypothetical future children would potentially choose to do at some hypothetical future time.

I agree, even if you currently have children.

[summer_gphib]

Personally I chose not to hyphenate my last name because my husband's name was already too long and French so it's also hard for most people to spell and pronounce. If I had hyphenated it I would have had a 16 letter last name. Ten letters is already annoying enough!

On a side note, I did try really, really hard to convince my husband to take my last name, for the above reason. Of course I can always tell telemarketers just because they can't say my name!

[1stSoon2BePhD]

I am going to hyphenate my last name when I get married.

I decided to do so because when I get my PhD, I will be the first "Dr. anything" in my family which is something I am extremely proud and excited about. Also, my fiances dad and uncle have doctorates and I don't want to be called the same thing as them.

I never thought about what my children would be called, but I assumed they would simply take his last name. I like DSTRen's solution, though!

[BabyPiNK_FL]

I plan on keeping my name. Even though we were never engaged it was a HUGE issue with my ex. That is one of the many reasons he is now my ex. WHO ARE YOU to tell me who I will be for the rest of my life?! My father only has daughters so one of us has got to fight the good fight.

[cheerfulgreek]

Her last name is Johnson. I told her that if he doesn't want to go through with it, to only date guys with Johnson as their last name. That shouldn't be too hard to do.