I Need Help!

[JuliaNJ]

Hi there. I just came across this website today. I think this might the right place for me to get some advice.

I am a junior at a small Catholic school in Philadelphia. There are about 4,000 undergrads, total. So, needless to day, you really do get to notice everyone else. Also, most of the students (including me) come from around the area, so chances are that you know at least a few kids you went to high school with you.

I wasn't popular at all at my high school. My mom didn't have a lot of money but she still managed to get me and my brother into a pretty expensive private school. Most of the kids were well off, though, and weren't afraid to show it. I only had a few friends and we were the school's freaks. We were really into indie and punk music, dyed our hair, etc. We were made fun of a lot for looking so out of place (on top of not having money) and for being weird.

In college, most of my friends are similar. We like going to indie rock shows, arthouse films, etc. We do our own thing. My school has a big Greek population. We never really go to any of the big parties. And if we do, a few people are destined to say something to us, calling us freaks or something like that. But, yeah, it's not like we're all innocent, though, we've said our share of nasty stuff.

But I've just gotten in such a rut. I'm sick of doing the same old things that I've done since I've been 14. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and realizing that I'm wearing a band t-shirt and thrift store jeans. I hate going to some dive bar where everyone has a tattoo. I'm sick of dating some skinny, scrawny emo nerds.

It's hard... but I think I want to join the "enemy." I never got along with most sorority types before... but I think I want to give it a shot. They look like they have so much fun all the time. They don't look like slobs, they wear nice clothes, they go to cool bars. And they also hang out with guys who are actually guys.

I'm starting to realize that... yeah... I guess I've been a tad bit jealous of the sorority types I've made fun of my whole life.

I just don't even know where to start. Like I said, my school is really small. If I actually do end up somehow in a sorority, I'm really going to lose a lot of friends over this. It does feel a bit like I'm going to betraying them to join the people I/we have never liked. But I think it's what I really want to do.

Any advice?

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by JuliaNJ

Hi there. I just came across this website today. I think this might the right place for me to get some advice.

I am a junior at a small Catholic school in Philadelphia. There are about 4,000 undergrads, total. So, needless to day, you really do get to notice everyone else. Also, most of the students (including me) come from around the area, so chances are that you know at least a few kids you went to high school with you.

I wasn't popular at all at my high school. My mom didn't have a lot of money but she still managed to get me and my brother into a pretty expensive private school. Most of the kids were well off, though, and weren't afraid to show it. I only had a few friends and we were the school's freaks. We were really into indie and punk music, dyed our hair, etc. We were made fun of a lot for looking so out of place (on top of not having money) and for being weird.

In college, most of my friends are similar. We like going to indie rock shows, arthouse films, etc. We do our own thing. My school has a big Greek population. We never really go to any of the big parties. And if we do, a few people are destined to say something to us, calling us freaks or something like that. But, yeah, it's not like we're all innocent, though, we've said our share of nasty stuff.

But I've just gotten in such a rut. I'm sick of doing the same old things that I've done since I've been 14. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and realizing that I'm wearing a band t-shirt and thrift store jeans. I hate going to some dive bar where everyone has a tattoo. I'm sick of dating some skinny, scrawny emo nerds.

It's hard... but I think I want to join the "enemy." I never got along with most sorority types before... but I think I want to give it a shot. They look like they have so much fun all the time. They don't look like slobs, they wear nice clothes, they go to cool bars. And they also hang out with guys who are actually guys.

I'm starting to realize that... yeah... I guess I've been a tad bit jealous of the sorority types I've made fun of my whole life.

I just don't even know where to start. Like I said, my school is really small. If I actually do end up somehow in a sorority, I'm really going to lose a lot of friends over this. It does feel a bit like I'm going to betraying them to join the people I/we have never liked. But I think it's what I really want to do.

Any advice?

Just do it. If people stop being your friend because you are looking to branch out, then they aren't really good friends, are they?

That being said, since you are asking for advice, I would suggest that you stop thinking or referring to women in sororities as "the enemy". Simply because you don't share a lot of similar interests does not make someone an enemy. If you truly are interested in meeting different types of people, you need to open your mind up and throw all judgments out the window. You may actually learn that you do share common interests or beliefs.

If you want people to accept who YOU are, you need to accept who they are. If you can do that, then I think you should go for it. Just remember that people may need some time to get to know you, and that might take a bit longer since you don't usually associate with Greek members. I would be open with them as to what in Greek life actually interests you.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by JuliaNJ

Hi there. I just came across this website today. I think this might the right place for me to get some advice.

I am a junior at a small Catholic school in Philadelphia. There are about 4,000 undergrads, total. So, needless to day, you really do get to notice everyone else. Also, most of the students (including me) come from around the area, so chances are that you know at least a few kids you went to high school with you.

I wasn't popular at all at my high school. My mom didn't have a lot of money but she still managed to get me and my brother into a pretty expensive private school. Most of the kids were well off, though, and weren't afraid to show it. I only had a few friends and we were the school's freaks. We were really into indie and punk music, dyed our hair, etc. We were made fun of a lot for looking so out of place (on top of not having money) and for being weird.

In college, most of my friends are similar. We like going to indie rock shows, arthouse films, etc. We do our own thing. My school has a big Greek population. We never really go to any of the big parties. And if we do, a few people are destined to say something to us, calling us freaks or something like that. But, yeah, it's not like we're all innocent, though, we've said our share of nasty stuff.

But I've just gotten in such a rut. I'm sick of doing the same old things that I've done since I've been 14. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and realizing that I'm wearing a band t-shirt and thrift store jeans. I hate going to some dive bar where everyone has a tattoo. I'm sick of dating some skinny, scrawny emo nerds.

It's hard... but I think I want to join the "enemy." I never got along with most sorority types before... but I think I want to give it a shot. They look like they have so much fun all the time. They don't look like slobs, they wear nice clothes, they go to cool bars. And they also hang out with guys who are actually guys.

I'm starting to realize that... yeah... I guess I've been a tad bit jealous of the sorority types I've made fun of my whole life.

I just don't even know where to start. Like I said, my school is really small. If I actually do end up somehow in a sorority, I'm really going to lose a lot of friends over this. It does feel a bit like I'm going to betraying them to join the people I/we have never liked. But I think it's what I really want to do.

Any advice?

ree-Xi's advice is spot on.

If these girls are you friends, I'd think that they'd be friends with you whether you're in a sorority or not.

Also, being in a sorority doesn't mean giving up all of your previous musical interests. You can still listen to the same bands and such.

[JuliaNJ]

Originally Posted by ree-Xi

Just do it. If people stop being your friend because you are looking to branch out, then they aren't really good friends, are they?

That being said, since you are asking for advice, I would suggest that you stop thinking or referring to women in sororities as "the enemy". Simply because you don't share a lot of similar interests does not make someone an enemy. If you truly are interested in meeting different types of people, you need to open your mind up and throw all judgments out the window. You may actually learn that you do share common interests or beliefs.

If you want people to accept who YOU are, you need to accept who they are. If you can do that, then I think you should go for it. Just remember that people may need some time to get to know you, and that might take a bit longer since you don't usually associate with Greek members. I would be open with them as to what in Greek life actually interests you.

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

I know I shouldn't judge, etc., but I think it's just human nature and something everyone does, unfortunately. It's just kind of weird/hard to think that all of a sudden I want to do what the people I've always tried to disassociate myself from do. And I know that they aren't friends if they don't support me, etc., but that's also hard, too, just socially.

So much to think about.

[JuliaNJ]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

ree-Xi's advice is spot on.

If these girls are you friends, I'd think that they'd be friends with you whether you're in a sorority or not.

Also, being in a sorority doesn't mean giving up all of your previous musical interests. You can still listen to the same bands and such.

Thank you for this. I know my really close friends would still be with me, but they'd definitely would be shocked at first.

As far as music tastes go -- I know I wouldn't have to give it up, but I think if I go through with this I'd have to hide it. I mean, if I'm pledging and there's a party or whatever, I don't think I should roll my eyes and make a snarky comment when I hear Dave Matthews Band or something like that. I definitely want to try my best to fit in, especially at first.

Also, should I dress how I normally dress or should I dress more like the sorority girls I see?

[kddani]

You're really even here continuing to make a lot of judgments and believing in a lot of stereotypes. You complain that people judged/are judging you, and you're doing the same thing to them.

Get over it, or don't rush. Acting like every sorority girl LOVES DMB is ridiculous. We're not all cookie cutter clones.

Even despite your explanations, I can't understand why you want to be in a sorority if you think that sorority girls are only these things.

[Benzgirl]

FWIW...I can't stand the DMB.
Everyone has their individual tastes. And when I was in school, I did frequent both Punk and New Wave bars.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by JuliaNJ

Thank you for this. I know my really close friends would still be with me, but they'd definitely would be shocked at first.

As far as music tastes go -- I know I wouldn't have to give it up, but I think if I go through with this I'd have to hide it. I mean, if I'm pledging and there's a party or whatever, I don't think I should roll my eyes and make a snarky comment when I hear Dave Matthews Band or something like that. I definitely want to try my best to fit in, especially at first.

Also, should I dress how I normally dress or should I dress more like the sorority girls I see?

Something to think about:

Every single girl in a sorority does not like the same music. There would be no reason for you to hide what you listen to.

However, if you are the type of person who puts down the musical tastes of others, you are going to have a problem.

Example: If you were hanging out with a sister and she was just talking about getting tickets to see Lady Gaga, it would be uber tacky
and RUDE of you roll your eyes or put her down because of it.

If you were to act that way and put down others, I can tell you that you'd have a hard time fitting in.

Nobody likes a music snob. So if you are one, you'd better get over it.

PS. we all don't wear the same clothing either.

[JuliaNJ]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I know I'm probably coming off as judgmental with this. It's just that from my experience at my school, I haven't met a sorority member who had the same tastes that I did. I've been to a handful of frat/sorority parties and never heard anything I liked. And I know it's wrong of me to kind of scoff at people for not having the "amazing" taste in music that I do. And if I decide to pledge, I just want to make sure that I go about it the right way. And KUSViolet is right -- I really don't like Lady Gaga but I won't make a peep if any of the sisters mentions going to a show like that.

I think the thing that I'm not representing well is how small my school is. I could honestly name everyone in my major, and it's the biggest major in school. And when I sit around in the cafeteria or food court, I could probably name at least two or three people at every table, even if its people that I don't even really know. EVERYONE knows EVERYONE here.

So I'm probably being unfair when I say the sorority girls dress alike. I mean, they don't wear all the same clothes. But they usually do wear different stuff than I would, especially when going out. I think a good way to describe my wardrobe is like Pam from The Office. And the sorority members, when I see them going out, they usually wear halter tops or miniskirts and things I don't even own. And they usually go to the big bars in the city that fit like 1,000 people and I'm usually going to some dive place. And they go on Spring Break to Cancun (one sorority did) while me and my friends went to go see a Flaming Lips concert. And a lot of the fraternities and sororities go to our school's basketball games while me and my friends go to an open mic night at a coffee shop.

But the reason why I'm thinking about doing this... I don't want to do what I'm doing anymore. I think I want to change everything in my life completely. I'm not having any fun with what I've been doing. And most of the sorority members on campus seem to be having a lot of fun. I really do want to be a part of that, even though it's really foreign to me. And I really want to make a good effort to fit in with them.


Another problem that I might run into... I write for the school newspaper. I don't think we have any Greeks who are members of the staff, except for I think one guy who writes for the sports section. And when I was a freshman, I wrote a column about Greeks not being individuals, being conformists, etc. So I'm afraid some people might hold it against me. A few girls on my floor at the time who were pledging gave me some crap about it.

But like I said, I'm going through a lot of stuff and really need to change my life. And I really admire the sorority girls who really act like sisters and have fun and also do community service. They seem like they're having the time of their lives. I really need that right now.

[ZTA72]

^^^If your school is that small, I seriously hope *Julia* is not your real name. You have given way too many personal details about your life.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by JuliaNJ

Another problem that I might run into... I write for the school newspaper. I don't think we have any Greeks who are members of the staff, except for I think one guy who writes for the sports section. And when I was a freshman, I wrote a column about Greeks not being individuals, being conformists, etc. So I'm afraid some people might hold it against me. A few girls on my floor at the time who were pledging gave me some crap about it.

If your school is as small as you say, the column you wrote may be a problem. This is epecially true if there are girls in sororities right now who remember it and reacted negatively to it.

These girls may think that you really don't want to join, but that you're trying to do some "undercover thing" for the paper so you can write an article about them (yes, I've seen this happen).

[Zillini]

I'd suggest you try getting to know some of the sorority girls first. Then you can make a more realistic appraisal of whether it is something you want to pursue or not.

[littleowl33]

Originally Posted by JuliaNJ

Another problem that I might run into... I write for the school newspaper. I don't think we have any Greeks who are members of the staff, except for I think one guy who writes for the sports section. And when I was a freshman, I wrote a column about Greeks not being individuals, being conformists, etc. So I'm afraid some people might hold it against me. A few girls on my floor at the time who were pledging gave me some crap about it.

I don't know how old you are at this point (I'm guessing sophomore or maybe junior) but this could definitely bite you in the butt. Even if it's one of those campuses where no one reads the school newspaper, the girls who were pledging who knew you will almost certainly remember. To be honest, I think if I was in their shoes, I wouldn't want you to join my sorority because I would think it was very ingenuine of you.

I admire your effort to change if it's something you really want, but I think you should really consider why you want to do a total 180. Being greek is definitely great, but it won't solve all of your problems. If you're seriously unhappy with yourself or your life, joining a sorority probably isn't going to change that. I don't want to turn you off to rushing, but I also don't want you to build sorority membership up in your head as being non-stop fun and a ticket into a new, perfect life. There's work involved, not just in the sense of getting philanthropy hours or serving on a committee - I mean in the sense that you have to work to build frindships and find your place in the group. We have a lot of New Members who come on GC to say that they want to drop out of pledging because they aren't "connecting" with their sisters, when usually it's because they assume that as soon as you get a pledge pin you're automatically BFFs with every sister. You have to make an effort to connect and develop true friendships, and if you feel like you have to change yourself, hide your true interests, etc. in order to fit in, you're not going to have genuine friendships with your sisters.

I think if you really want this, and you're willing to put in the work, you should go for it. My advice is just to not have unrealistic expectations of what sorority life is like. As for the newspaper column... what's done is done. But be aware that yes, that could hurt you.

[littleowl33]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

These girls may think that you really don't want to join, but that you're trying to do some "undercover thing" for the paper so you can write an article about them (yes, I've seen this happen).

KSU, You type faster than I do! But I thought of this too... a la "Pledged".

[ree-Xi]

So...why DO you want to be in a sorority? Other than you want to change the type of bars you go to, the clothes you wear, and the type of guys you would like to date? You don't need to join a sorority to do that.

So...if someone were to ask you why you want to go through recruitment, what would you say?

And as far as the column you wrote...was this a commentary or a news article? What was your argument? Was it full of judgments and stereotypes?

And for the record, I held several officer positions on the school newspaper. Sorority women come from all different backgrounds, and have many different tastes. You are only focusing on what's different, versus finding commonalities.

I'm starting to wonder if this is for real...