Pregnant Active Sister Problem

Greek2Go · #1 10-18-2009, 01:49 AM

I know that this particular topic has come up before, but to clarify, I am asking for advice on the advisor level. I am not asking what to do if someone is going through recruitment.

I advise an organization that is in it's 2nd year on campus. The chapter has a large colony class and made quota plus their first year out of recruitment. However, there is an issue that keeps popping up time and time again.

One of our actives (that was chosen by our Nationals) has a child. She gave her son up for adoption, and it is an open adoption. One of the new members, it has been found out, also has a child the same age. I, and the other advisors, do not have a problem with this. We think that it is admirable that these women are in their children's lives whether they are adopted out or if the mother chose to keep her child.

Our problem is that several active sisters (including those on a Standards committee) keep rehashing and making these 2 women feel like they should not be sisters and have out right told the active sister this. These two sisters have become close b/c of their children. These two talk about their children, but not completely out in the open. They have been told that they would be called to the board if they kept talking about their kids.

I know that this is a sensitive topic, and that is why I am asking for advice. What would any of you do? Us advisors are fairly new advisors, and have tried talking to these women on both sides and nothing has worked. We are open to suggestions.

AlphaFrog · #2 10-18-2009, 06:46 AM

So do you have BOTH pregnant actives and actives with children? Not that it matters much, since any answer you get is likely to be the same, but your title says "Pregnant Active Sister" and I don't see anything about that in your post - only those who already have children.

kddani · #3 10-18-2009, 08:59 AM

The girls talking trash to these two sisters are the ones that should be taken to standards.

Zillini · #4 10-18-2009, 09:07 AM

These two members found themselves in arguably the most difficult circumstance a young woman can face. They made the difficult decision to do what was best for the children and not have an abortion. Unless your Inatl or local Bylaws has some policy against active members having kids, then they cannot and should not be punished for doing what they felt was right.

To me it sounds like they are supporting each other because I can only imagine how hard this must be for them. Isn't that what sisters are supposed to do for each other? While I understand from a PR point you wouldn't want the two advertising their situations on campus, you said their conversations were "not completely out in the open". You can't tell them not to talk about it at all, just ask them to be mindful of their environment (location and who's around) when they do. The old adage "There is a time and a place for everything" is appropriate.

IMO the more pressing problem is with the ones who keep rehashing it and telling them they shouldn't be members. Those are the ones who should be called to Standards. Telling a sister she's not entitled to membership is presumptuous and the height of disrespect, not to mention downright mean.

Personal side note: I hope those who are critical are virgins, otherwise they might find themselves in the same boat having to make heart wrenching decisions. I doubt they'd appreciate having the added stigma/pressure of their sisters telling them they don't deserve to be sisters anymore.

AOII Angel · #5 10-18-2009, 10:09 AM

First, find your national policy about actives who are pregnant or have children. I doubt very seriously that your organization is silent on the issue. I also doubt that the organization would discriminate against women who become pregnant. I know that AOII allows women to go alum early if they choose but does not require pregnant sisters to go alum. Bring this information to the actives who are causing trouble and make it clear that this issue MUST be dropped. Now.

Alumiyum · #6 10-18-2009, 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zillini

These two members found themselves in arguably the most difficult circumstance a young woman can face. They made the difficult decision to do what was best for the children and not have an abortion. Unless your Inatl or local Bylaws has some policy against active members having kids, then they cannot and should not be punished for doing what they felt was right.

To me it sounds like they are supporting each other because I can only imagine how hard this must be for them. Isn't that what sisters are supposed to do for each other? While I understand from a PR point you wouldn't want the two advertising their situations on campus, you said their conversations were "not completely out in the open". You can't tell them not to talk about it at all, just ask them to be mindful of their environment (location and who's around) when they do. The old adage "There is a time and a place for everything" is appropriate.

IMO the more pressing problem is with the ones who keep rehashing it and telling them they shouldn't be members. Those are the ones who should be called to Standards. Telling a sister she's not entitled to membership is presumptuous and the height of disrespect, not to mention downright mean.

Personal side note: I hope those who are critical are virgins, otherwise they might find themselves in the same boat having to make heart wrenching decisions. I doubt they'd appreciate having the added stigma/pressure of their sisters telling them they don't deserve to be sisters anymore.

I hate it when girls choose to talk down to others who become pregnant but especially when they are having sex themselves. I never forgot that I could be that girl that had to choose between aborting a child, keeping it, or giving it up no matter how careful I was. It might do some real good to remind these girls, quietly, that it could be them and even if they have decided to wait, it isn't right to judge others.

33girl · #7 10-18-2009, 12:03 PM

OK, I didn't see a pregnant sister anywhere in your story so I don't know why you titled your thread that, but anyway...

The kids are a fait accompli, and it sounds like when your nationals picked the colonizing members, they were fully aware of the first girl's child. If they are giving the OK, I don't think there is jack squat anyone else can say.

Should they bring it up at rush or talk to guys at mixers about their kids for 2 hours? No. But that could be said of ANY family matter.

As far as the girls who are complaining, it almost sounds like they're more upset about the NM keeping info from them (which might have affected their vote) than about the actual fact of the child itself. When you feel hoodwinked you get pissed and make it into something else, which is where the other sister comes in. They have to pretend it's a moral issue, not an "I feel tricked" issue.

violetpretty · #8 10-19-2009, 08:53 AM

A simple

for comments about what is "right". Anyway....

What are the expectations for participation? I'm sure the member with the open adoption wouldn't have this problem, as she is not caring for her child all day every day, but what about the new member who kept her child? Is she caring for him/her or are her parents taking care of the child? I understand that a chapter wouldn't want "dead weight" as far as participation goes, but there are members who don't pull their weight who aren't pregnant/have a child. Whenever someone posts on here, "I have a baby, can I still join?" 99.99% of GCers advise them not to join because sororities are big time committments and caring for your baby should be a higher priority if you are in that situation.

I can sympathize with a chapter not wanting a rep as the "prego sorority". That's a PR disaster. I know of an NPC chapter at a certain school that has that rep and they struggled with membership to begin with.

33 is spot on as usual. I think the members are most upset that they were deceived, because you said "found out". At least I'd be upset and feel tricked.

gpb1874 · #9 10-19-2009, 02:13 PM

Have you asked the other 2 members why they are so bothered by sisters with kids? Maybe there's a bigger issue going on that those members are concealing.

Regardless of why they are upset, they need to be told to drop it and I agree they should be taken to Standards if they keep talking negatively about sisters. They also need to be told that turning your backs on sisters that have made different choices than you is against the whole point of a sisterhood. The 2 with kids will probably become pretty close since they have a really big commonality and good for them.

Having a baby at any age is not easy (whether a woman keeps the baby or adopts) and support is needed.