Informal Recruitment Problem/Question

[RedHighHeels]

I am beginning the process to go through informal recruitment at my school. There are several ways of doing this at my school, including giving my information to head of the informal recruitment and being invited to random events to get to know the chapters, which is what I would like to do. The problem is that I do not want my information to be given to one particular chapter. Without out getting too dramatic or detailed, my abusive (including physically) ex-boyfriend is the boyfriend of an active at one of our chapters. I am scared of him and do not want to be near him and do not want him to know that I am going through recruitment. First of all, it is a safety concern. Secondly, I do not want either him or the active to spread lies about me and our relationship to the different sororities as he has done to our mutual friends, acquaintances, etc. I am not as worried about him learning about it after the fact, regardless of whether or not I am invited to join a sorority. If I am initiated into one, I would feel more safe running into him, etc. having girls with me that I know and feel comfortable with, etc. than I would with a bunch of girls who do not really know much about me and if I do not get initiated, then there would be no need to worry about run into him at Greek events and if he feels the need to say things, they have already decided not to initiate me anyway.


My question is, should I tell the head of informal recruitment very briefly about my concern for my safety if my information were to be given to this chapter and ask that it be given to every one but that chapter or should I just follow the other informal recruitment choices instead of doing all of them. I feel like my chances would be better if I were to do all of them because I would get to meet more of the women and they would get to know me better and see how committed I am. I do not want to cause problems but I also want to be able to do what I would like to do (which is do all of the informal recruitment choices and hopefully get initiated into a sorority after) and not have him completely running my life still and I would obviously like to be and feel safe as well.


Sorry this post is so long! Thanks for your help!

[KSUViolet06]

I would give my info to all chapters. You can't let the fear of someone control what you choose to do.

To be honest, based on your history with this guy, I'd be surprised if the gf's chapter invites you to their events or gives you a bid.

No biggie. It's most likely not the place you want to be anyway (in the chapter with your exes' new gf). Then you can check out the others.

[BabyPiNK_FL]

If she's not on the Inf. Rec. comittee or the chair or on eboard I wouldn't worry about her having access to much of your personal info. Maybe name, grades (and maybe not even that), and hobbies if they asked you that. But I never saw anyone's anything until I was on Panhellenic.

[FSUZeta]

i would make an appointment with the head of greek life(the greek life advisor) and explain the situation to her/him. ask his/her advice and then make your decision.

[Blue Skies]

RedHighHeels, you can't control your ex-boyfriend's actions in any way, but you can control your own. Don't worry about what he or his current girlfriend has to say about you at all. Sooner or later he will be seen for what he is, and his new girlfriend will certainly have bigger things to worry about than you.

Avoid drama. If anyone asks, just say, "It didn't work out." However, if he touches you or threatens you in any way, it's time to involve your friendly campus police.

Many campuses have a service where a security guard or volunteer will escort you across campus after dark. Take advantage of this. I've known women who have met really great guys this way.

I would like for you to consider taking martial arts training. I studied Aikido for five years. It's very female friendly as it does not rely on size nor strength, and there are no kicks or punches. It's very empowering. And you will meet lots of wonderful guys who are black belts who will become your new "big brothers."

[nittanyalum]

Um, and if you are really concerned about your safety, please edit your first name off the interwebz.

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

i would make an appointment with the head of greek life(the greek life advisor) and explain the situation to her/him. ask his/her advice and then make your decision.

I agree with FSUZeta. If you talk to 20 people about domestic violence, you will get 20 shades of opinion. Some are militant, others feel that you should get a protection order, others will not want to be near someone who's been a victim or survivor of it. I say this as someone who divorced her abuser.

If you haven't discussed the violence with a shelter, please do so. Take a Personal Protection class, for your physical AND mental safety.

In a perfect world, this would have nothing to do with Recruitment, but it might. Make an appointment with the Greek Advisor and discuss it with him or her. If you already have a counselor from a shelter or whatever, see if you could bring her to the meeting. Under the circumstances, forcing you to give your information to that one chapter is totally inexcusable!

[Kansas City]

I think that if a stalker, abusive ex, etc. wanted to get information about you they could probably find other, more effective means to do so (ex. go the admissions/records office at your university insead of relying on a form you fill out for informal recruitment). I'm not suggesting that you should let your guard down or be flippant with your personal information but I think that the paperwork you complete for informal recruitment would be the least of your worries. I doubt that the majority of sorority members will have access to anything other than your name, class standing and GPA. Please do whaterver you feel safest with.

[RedHighHeels]

Just to clarify, I am NOT worried that the active or my ex will get my information through informal recruitment. The information that we are required to give is only very basic contact information, name, phone number, school email, etc. that my ex already has and could easily give to the active.

I AM worried about what he will DO directly to me (he would have a much clearer idea of where I am and what I am doing - I stopped telling our mutual friends anything about my personal life because they were passing info on so no one even knows where my new jobs are) because he was physically abusive while we were together and he is known for a temper among his friends (putting holes in walls over small things, etc. and some unverified things that I would believe now). I am also worried that if either one of them found out I was going through recruitment they would spread lies through the sororities about me like they have done in the past with our friends, thereby killing my chances of getting a bid. I am afraid if it came down to a she said-he/she said, they would win simply because they are more into the sorority circles by her membership. I do not trust him or what he will do but he has controlled me enough; I want to go through recruitment but I want to do so in a safe manner.

My question was should I tell the informal recruitment head something briefly about the situation or keep quiet and not make problems but find another way to make sure I am safe, not how do I keep my info from the active, I know she would not have access to it from the sorority based on what I have learned here on the boards about what info is given out.

[33girl]

I would not say anything to the informal recruitment head (I assume you mean the Panhel member in charge of it). If you are afraid of walking to and from the parties alone, get a campus escort.

If a dude who puts holes in walls on a regular basis told me that his ex was going through and she was [insert bad thing here], I would consider the source and take his opinion with a grain of salt. Just because someone is Greek doesn't mean other Greeks will overlook their actions.

Originally Posted by RedHighHeels

My question was should I tell the informal recruitment head something briefly about the situation or keep quiet and not make problems but find another way to make sure I am safe, not how do I keep my info from the active, I know she would not have access to it from the sorority based on what I have learned here on the boards about what info is given out.

I wouldn't tell her anything. You don't even know for sure that he'll do anything to you. If, for any reason, you feel you are in physical danger, then do whatever it takes to protect yourself.

If you're just afraid they're going to spread rumors about you, let them. Hopefully the women will see how childish they are and not pay any attention to them.

Move on with your life. It was the best thing I ever did.

[kiteflyersmom]

Hey there,

I just wanted to say that the ladies who took time to give you advice did a good job.

Other will consider the source. In addition, just go ahead and do your thing and it will be ok. Take measures to protect yourself but don't let it get in the way of things you want to do.

Good Luck, and I hope it goes really well for you.

[kiteflyersmom]

OTW,

When you say moved on...it's the best thing you ever did...you sound like a strong lady with very sage advice.

Congrats to you and your strength. I am glad you are here to advice a young lady in a tough situation.