I am reading this thread for the first time and a lot of what I am reading is shaking me up....especially a lot of Soror Ideal08's commentary about 'isolating'. I was diagnosed in '99 with severe clinical depression and acute panic disorder that became finally evident (after having several episodes of crying all the way to work and back home in my car, but putting on the lovely mask at work and at home for all to enjoy) when I woke up one morning and couldn't -physically couldn't- get dressed for work. I was off work for a year after that...meds and therapy and total, black hole, blinds-drawn, self-imposed isolation. ....couldn't (not
wouldn't, contrary to popular belief!) answer the phone, couldn't answer the door, couldn't open mail, stopped seeing everybody, stopped going to church where I was a music leader, etc. Noone understood and I couldn't explain, so I was deemed as 'trippin', 'needing to pray more', 'selfish (??!!)', and 'needing to snap out of it'.
I moved out of state for several years about 2 years after the diagnosis to a place where I had no friends or family, just career ... brilliant career, but just career. (I am just now 'getting' that I was probably doing the supreme isolation act with that move) I have sinced returned 'home' after being gone 7 years (number of completion
) -- healthy, happy-ish, and eager to re-enter my life that's been on-hold lo' these past 7 years.... bought my house, cautiously re-connecting with friends/family, but feeling the need to isolate again a lot. Now that I'm back in the mix, so to speak, I am a bit overwhelmed with everyone's needs and expectations of me....which are probably 'normal', like to answer the phone, pick up my messages, call them back, come over, come over, come over
and which should make me feel blessed that folk still wanna be bothered with me
.... but it feels like so much I can't stand it.
One thing I have determined is that I am keeping it real henceforth. The mask is gone forever and I am living authentically, despite people's judgments, and hopefully they will understand..... like when my mom (who knows / didn't quite accept my earlier diagnosis, tho' she has a long history of depression -- undiagnosed, though) asked why I disappeared for three days recently and wouldn't call her back or answer my phone, I said 'I just couldn't bear to .... it was too much' ... she said 'you can't just pick up the phone .... was that too hard?...to which I answered 'Yes.' It was hard to be that straight, 'cuz I don't do *vulnerable*, but it sure felt good telling it like it was. For 2008, I'm keeping it real and KIM.
Sorry for my stream-of-consciousness rant, but this strikes a chord with me, especially now that I'm in a tricky transitional stage right now of re-connecting....and Lord knows, we strong black women don't discuss this kinda stuff much
. I appreciate this forum.
Much love and peace to all --