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I think this whole deal about "statistics" proving people who live together before getting married makes them more likely to divorce is right up there with people believing that more people have pre-marital sex now than they did 50 years ago. A recent, very well conducted survey of people aged 12-90-ish proved that more than 80% of people had pre-marital sex. We want to think that being virgins until marriage is the way things are supposed to be, but it's a fantasy. Now no one jump down my throat, I know there are people who do this, but they are a minority.
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I normally just lurk here, but this has been such an interesting discussion on both sides I felt I had to jump in. Sorry for the length.
AOII Angel, I too am dubious about these "statistics." Firstly do these studies actually exist and if so, what was the methodology? Secondly, if these stories are true, I suspect these cases are couples who were already having problems in the first place and thought getting married would solve their issues, rather than exacerbate them. Or, as others have mentioned, they felt pressured into it and weren't ready.
I can totally understand people that don't want to live with someone until a ring is on that finger. I think for the most part, if getting married is your goal, then waiting until you're engaged might be a good policy to follow.
For me however, I have been living with someone for 12 years now. Most people don't know we're not officially married as we own two homes, wear rings, and refer to each other as husband and wife. At one point I contemplated leaving him (not because of not being married) and no, it wouldn't have been as simple as packing a bag and physically leaving.
Why aren't we married by now? I don't know, it doesn't seem necessary. It wouldn't make us any more committed than we already are. I never saw myself as the kind that would flout convention, but here I am. When we started living together we weren't sure if our paths were going to come together because we were both trying to establish our careers. We realized we had to make a few sacrifices if we were going to make it work. So we did and we're still together.
I'm almost through with school and I'll finally be Dr. Roxygrrrl and I am contemplating hyphenating my name because he's been there every step of the way and cheered me on even when I was ready to quit. The reason I say all this is because if I had been single all these years I probably would've become Dr. Roxygrrl sooner, so it's not like living together for us is some carefree existence where you still live like you're single. We are truly partnered. As I said earlier, to make it work this long we had to make a few sacrifices along the way or we wouldn't still be together.
We still don't rule marriage out, but really, at this point it would just be a piece of paper. We also think about having a commitment ceremony because we've made it this far and it would be nice to celebrate that with our family and friends. I just have to feel some overwhelming urge that I
must be married before I'd do it. I just don't know what it can do for us at this point that we don't already have. We're happy.
I do however, think my situation is pretty anamolous, at least relatively speaking, so I don't pretend it's the answer. If getting married is something you know you want, you shouldn't settle for anything less.
Sorry this was so long.