Between Sex, Finances and Communication, which one is it? What would it be for you?
 

I started a thread on the importance of finances in a relationship/marriage on a scale from 1-10. Well, as the chatting went on, people started talking about divorce. I always hear people say that the lack of sex, communication and/or finances are the biggest causes of divorce. I highly doubt it would start off as all three and if it did, that is one screwed up marriage.

If you were married or living with your bf/gf what would it be for you? Lack of sex, communication or finances? You're not limited to just one choice, but what's most important to you?

For me it would be finances, because I think it would have an effect on the other two. If a couple is financially stressed, it would effect sex because their minds would be on bills. It would effect communication, because with the financial stress I can't see how a couple would be on the same page.

Hands down, finances. Not so much do we have a lot of $$ but do we look at spending, saving etc the same way.

There are too many people getting married who don't even like to think about this because they think it's "unromantic" or " materialistic" and it's not at all.

i think a healthy relationship would need all three of those

33girl I agree. I do think all three are necessary, but finance is what's most important.

Sex is important, but what if a couple can no longer have sex. Then what? Finance can make or break a marriage.

Having been married almost 20 years, I'd say finances are important, but communication trumps everything. If you can't communicate well, everything, including finances and intimacy, will suffer.

I co-sign MysticCat. Being able to (or learning to) talk about everything, including issues about finances and sex, is paramount. If you have open communication, you can tackle and overcome most anything in your relationship.

I agree here. Communication is everything, because it's related to both sex and finances. Now, I do think sex is just as important as communication, at least it is for me. I think men and women are different so I think a lot of it depends on that. I don't worry too much about finances because that all comes with education and the proper training.

So sex and communication are equally important for me.

Like Mystic said Communications (verbal, non verbal and telepathic ;) ) is > sex/intimacy > = finances.

If you cannot tell your partner anything in a declarative sentence, the sex/intimacy could be spetacular and he or she could be a multi-gajillionaire--lack of communication (verbal, nonverbal or otherwise) will instantly neutralize any form of relationship. Generally, it turns the relationship into a fling or a hustle/pimpin situation.

I'd also say communication. If you are not open to talk about things, sex will be bad and finances will suffer (not related to sex). You must at all times have an open and honest relationship where you communicate your financial and sexual ideas.

I hear about divorce happening more over finances than anything. I don't know if communication is the root of the problem that couples are overlooking, but it just seems like it's always over finances. I see a lot of prenups too. The 1st thing couples think about before they get married or have kids is money. I very rarely hear about communication being the main problem.

Yeah, I was answering as to what is the biggest cause of divorce - not what is the most important thing in a relationship.

It probably is, though. Like nittanyalum and others have said, if you can communicate well, you can probably work out the finance differences.

Disagree.

If you've been raised to scrimp and save and never buy anything on credit, you're going to have a BIG problem if you marry someone whose motto is basically "Charge now, worry later."

You can communicate about it until you're blue in the face, but if that's your financial style, or unless you're rebelling (i.e. my parents were tightwads, I'm going to spend like Trump) it's awfully hard to change. It's kind of like faking sexual attraction to someone.

The first Mr. 33 and I had major financial issues, and this was when we were 18 & 21. I can't even IMAGINE what a clusterphruck it would have been if we'd gotten married.

^^^ Still have to disagree with you. If you and your significant other have such different approaches to finance and you don't figure it out and work it out prior to marriage, the real problem is not that you have different financial styles, but that you failed to communicate openly and honestly about whether your different financial styles could find a compromise or otherwise co-habitate.

Sure, sometimes you get married with your eyes as open as you though they could be, and then you get a financial surprise. But I still say that, more often than not, good communication can lead to some kind of solution, even if its completely separate finances. I know plenty of couples who do that.

That's what I'm saying, I don't think this is always something you CAN work out or change about yourself, anymore than you can change the color of your eyes. The separate accounts thing has its merit, yes, but you can't tell me that if a hubby overspent and had creditors that his wife wouldn't try to help him in some way.

You can think you're "communicating" and talk about it and work out a plan...but that can go right out the window. Like I said, too many people think "if we talk it out and love each other enough we can make it work" and that's just not always the case, even if both parties really want to and really try. I feel the same way about sex, FWIW.

Oh I would never deny that, with any of the three, sometimes it just can't be worked out. I'm just saying that nothing can be worked out without communication, by which I mean honest, two-way communication. That's why I say it's the most important.

and again - I think we are answering 2 different questions. I am answering what I think causes the most divorces. You are answering what's the most important in a relationship. The 2 are not necessarily the same answer.

FWIW, most divorce recovery therapists would answer that both communication and finances are the main causes of divorce. Even when there's a catalyst such as an affair or abuse, it's the way that the couple handles the communication and financial aspects that are the proof of the pudding. Only the death of a child is more critical to a marriage, in the long run.

Maybe, or maybe it's tomato/tomahto. I agree the original question wasn't that clear, although she asked "what's most important to you."

But sorry, I'm not willing to give completely. I think that if the question is what causes the most divorces, while finances may be the answer most often given (I wonder, is it?), communication is still often (not always) just as much a reason as finances, if not a more fundamental one.

What we have to realize with communication is men and women communicate differently. A lot of times women want their men to communicate the same way they communicate with other women and vise versa. Women enjoy the process of reaching a goal, while men want to get the goal as soon as possible, forget the process. Though men and women are different, we are yet the same. The same time, effort, and attention it took for a man to date his significant other long term is the same he needs to keep her feeling secure and happy within the relationship. Communication is meant to be a blessing in a marriage, not a torment. I believe conflicting expectations are the source of most unhappiness in marriage. With that said, what it boils down to is through sickness and in health, for richer and/or poorer, rather it's based on finances, communication or sex, marriage requires devotion and a mature ability to commit when it's the last thing you want to do.

When seen through the eyes of love, communication is the lifeline for any marriage. Period.

Communication. If we can't communicate about the good, bad and ugly, then what is the point of staying in a relationship?

What works for me and Mr. Nikki1920 is remembering that we communicate differently and that that's ok. We areboth very careful to discuss things in a way so that the other person can understand what we are saying. Our fights came up when one of us was simply trying to get a point made without thinking of how the other person would receive it.

I guess I should have made it more clear. I was asking what do you think the most important component is to a happy and successful marriage. I was asking because I was just wondering why so many marriages end in divorce with finances being the number one cause of it. I know communication keeps coming up and I agree, it is very important. Now, is it possible to have great communication, but at the same time live check to check struggling to make ends meet? I think that would cause a serious problem.

When they say finances, I don't think they necessarily mean that they are struggling to make ends meet. I think, more often, it's how they are making decisions about HOW they spend their money, not whether they have any money or not. For example, if there is always money for the big screen TV, the golf leagues (3 at one time) or the new car for the husband, but then, when the kids need clothes, the husband says "We can't afford it" or when the wife charges diapers because the cash was all spent on golf, and the hubby yells about the use of the charge cards, it's a problem, even if you make more than enough to support a family between the two of you. So, the problem is perceived to be finances but isn't the real issue communication?