Truth and your relationship
 

How long in a relationship do you think people should be in before certain layers of thier life they reveal to thier partner?

Do you think that no matter what, there are still certain aspects of one's life that should never be revealed?

Can you think of anytime that you or someone close to you revealed something to a mate that either potentially could have or did truly damage a relationship? What was the circumstance? Should they have waited longer or never said anything?

i know i can be naiive sometimes, but really, I think you should be honest upfront.

so, how honest is HONEST?

sometimes honesty can ruin a relationship....

I think the question is too broad as currently posed.

I mean, think about it like this - most people would say that it's completely fine to omit or neglect to mention to your partner the time you blew the bassist in Foreigner when you got drunk backstage. Most guys wouldn't want to know. Almost everyone would agree that it shouldn't really have any bearing on the current relationship.

Most people would say they do want to know if you performed sex acts for drug money. However, this has questionable bearing on the current relationship (depending on the situation) - and there's a good chance the prejudicial character of the revelation would far outweigh its "value" (to loosely steal from our lawyerly friends).

That's why I say it's too broad - as posed, each and every side of the discussion appears "right." You can certainly be "too honest" to the extent that an honest explanation of your past can have disastrous effects on present relationships, when simply ignoring the past would have allowed things to continue on. Youthful indiscretions shouldn't be held against otherwise-mature adults who have their shit together. Partners should definitely feel entitled to honestly and openness. Relationships often benefit from openness, but are also often damaged by revelations that are unnecessary (however, often this is a good thing too - think about it).

I can tell you that, in my case, my relationship with my current girlfriend is very open and honest in most ways, but I have no desire to rehash the past if it doesn't matter today - whether it's my past or her past. It's not like either of us have been in jail or accidentally ran over the guy in the raincoat last summer, so maybe it's easy for me to say that, but I just don't think the overwhelming majority of what you do at 19 is that important to an adult relationship at 25.

Just left it broad to simply let it go where ever it would go....but please feel free to tighten it up as needed....

ideas

- past lovers

- health issues

- family

-finances

You all can feel free to take your pick and go for it.

Everybody has a past, and as long as there isn't anything that would affect a relationship now or in the future, maybe it's best to leave out the gory details. Sometimes total honesty can be too much of a good thing.

agreed.

Yea, if a guy told me he's slept with 50 different girls and had some kind of STD, that would absolutely make me reconsider a relationship with him and it would likely lead to the end of the relationship, but you know what? He'd be a selfish bastard if he DIDN'T disclose that up front.

Case in point:

This sounds like a crazy story, but I promise it's real. My older sister went to Las Vegas with 5 other friends as part of a bachelorette party for their friend "Lisa".

(this was about a month before the wedding)

"Lisa" & "Dan" had been engaged for about a year, and dating several years. She knew he had one previous marriage and one child with the ex-wife. She had never met the child or ex-wife because Dan kept telling her how "crazy" his ex wife was.

The time came (about a week after the Vegas trip) for her to finally meet Dan's daughter.

On the way to the ex-wife's house, Dan tells her something to the effect of "I know this is a really awkward time, but I need to tell you, I have another child from another woman that I haven't told you about"

WTF?

Lisa decides that she cannot process that information AND meet the first kid on the same day because it was too much, so they head home. She asks him to pack an overnight bag and spend a few days with one of his friends since they shared an apartment.

That night, a couple of the bridesmaids went to Lisa/Dan's apartment to comfort and be there for her since she was really surprised by the news. Lisa decides that she needs to find out if he's hiding anything else from her and starts going through his stuff.

In his stuff, she found the titles to TWO cars -- one Mustang convertible, and one Porche. She also found some receipts for storage facilities...where presumably the cars were being held. She recognized the second name on both titles as one of Dan's "business partners". (The name was a female name)

So she calls that female business partner of his, and GET THIS - it turns out Dan is MARRIED TO HER. She was a Chinese immigrant or something and he had a deal with her parents to marry her so she could get citizenship. That's were the cars came from Lisa learned.

Let's keep in mind this is three weeks from the day Lisa & Dan were supposed to be married.

So Lisa is freaking out. She comes from a well-off family and she's been sharing expenses/ giving money to Dan to help him get buy and this whole time he's got expensive cars and some Chinese couple paying him money to stay married to their daughter.

Needless to say, their wedding did not happen b/c he lied to her and was a selfish prick.

So basically, if you're lying because you know the truth could ruin your relationship, you are a selfish jerk for keeping up with the lie. It's going to sting a lot more the longer you lie.

The only acceptable thing to not be completely honest about is when a woman asks a man if an article of clothing makes her look fat. The answer to that question is always 'no'. :)

I want to know upfront, because that will determine if we're compatible with each other. I think it's a form of deception when you're not upfront with the person you want to start a long term relationship with. One of the most important things that you can do in a dating relationship that is getting anywhere near serious is to be honest. If she's not upfront with me, then I would consider that lying. I think there are two types of liars. First there are liars who lie out of shame, guilt, fear of conflict or loss of love, and other fears. These are the jokers who lie when it would be a lot easier to be upfront and tell the truth. A lot of times people want to be upfront, but for one reason or another, can't pull it off. They fear they will lose the other person. The second category are liars who lie as a way of operating and deceive others for their own selfish ends. At this point there is no fear of defensiveness involved, just plain old lying for love of self.

I believe truthfulness and being upfront in relationships is the basis for almost everything. If she isn't upfront with me, I consider it to be deception and I have an absolute zero tolerance policy when it comes to a woman not being upfront and honest with me, especially when I've been upfront and honest with her.

Funny how peopel say that and then the moment they learn somehting that skews our view of what we may perceive as someone compatible or 'perfect' and we are running for high ground...kinda makes watching Moment of Truth so painful to watch hmmm?

Ignorance is bliss. Everyone has a past, who are you to judge someone's life before you met?

While past behavior is a good indicator for how a person will act in the future, everyone makes mistakes and learns from them.

Granted, an example like texas*p is outside the range of acceptability.

I only care about your past if it will, in any way, affect my future, or our relationship together.

Although I guess its easy for me to say, since I'm engaged to a man I've been dating for 7.5 years, since we were 16. But I'm pretty sure that's how I'd feel regardless.

What about family stuff that doesn't necessarily affect your relationship at all? Would that be acceptable to hide?

If we're in a committed relationship with marriage in the future (meaning we have both decided that that will be the next step), I should be familiar with your family and where you come from. I don't think it's acceptable to hide family things because I'm going to find out eventually. Then the hiding itself becomes a bigger problem than whatever it is that you were trying to hide, because I'll be upset over the fact that you kept something from me.

How's this for honesty.

A friend of mine from high school had a somewhat "wild" past that included drinking, drugs, and random sex. She cleaned up her act, got a degree, and became a born-again Christian. She's a truly sweet woman and a great person. She dated and became engaged to "Chris" who claimed he accepted her and her wild past though he did not want any details whatsoever about her wild past. He told her they should both let it go because if God forgave her for her sins, he could do so as well. 3 months after the wedding, "Chris" files for divorce because the subject of having children right away or waiting came up and she admitted that she had an abortion years before they met. That was the one thing his beliefs would not let him forgive so he ditched her for telling him the truth.

If you are getting married... Like you have the date and funding set with the dress and invites have gone out...

No romance without finance is a nuisance. Debt will MURDER a relationship. And in these days, you don't want to be someone who owe the loanshark down the street vs. his/her house being foreclosed. The BS takes your taxes once you are married unless there is a pre-nupt...

:eek:

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi

I generally found that women want men to be completely honest upfront . . . so they can figure out how much to tell us about themselves. ;)

There was a letter to Carolyn Hax that was really close to this a few days ago... the letter writer's DH came to her and told her that he'd had a vasectomy while he was with his ex-FI. This was six months AFTER their wedding, and he knew she wanted kids. I felt so bad for her. That was waaaay too late. As for "upfront" I think that depends on what upfront means. "Hi, I'm Fred, I've had a vasectomy!" is a little too open. I think big (more private) things, such as STDs or major debt should be put out there after a few dates when it looks like things could be going somewhere, but no one is committed yet.

^Wow. That is horrible.

I think people should just be getting to know each other "in the present" when they first start dating. The past should come in later in relationships because who we were in the past is secondary to who we are now. However, if your past is intruding on your present, that needs to come out sooner than later. Like if you had children in the past, they are still there in the present. Maybe not bring them up right after you introduce yourself, but not after being engaged. If you don't have unprotected, casual sex anymore that's great. But if having done that at some point left you HIV positive, that needs to come up.

As far as family issues, finances, fertility issues...let it all come out when you're ready to say it. But don't wait till after the wedding or even just before the wedding to be honest. At my friend's wedding, her pastor didn't ask if anyone knew any reason the 2 should not be together. He asked the two of THEM if there was anything they needed to confess to each other because once the deal is done, there is no turning back. That was what they really need to ask during weddings, lol.

I'm a bit on the different side. I prefer open, unabashed honesty, because I give it in return. I cannot and do not hide parts of my past because I am ashamed of them. It is against my nature. However, I understand this is a difficult thing for most people to do themselves, so I can be somewhat understanding when others do not feel the same way.

Also, I have a story for you guys.

I met my BF of three years at work. He and I hit it off as friends within a week or so, and it did not look to be progressing to anything more because we were both with partners at the time. Of course, things occurred - my significant other at that time cheated on me (multiple times, I came to later find out), as well as his FI cheated on him as well.

We began to date. He wanted complete honesty. I did as well. I gave it; he did not. Over the next year, I continued to catch him in these little lies about his past that he had hid. It hurt me because of how much honesty was stressed in our relationship by both parties. It took two years to be able to finally forgive him, but I did - he had no malicious intent when he hid what he did, merely embarrassment of what he had done in the past. Something like that I can forgive.

I know women (and men) say they want to know, but I don't think it's a good idea to disclose. Whether the number is high or low, it puts unnecessary pressure on the other party. The only reason I'd need to know about past lovers is if it's someone that is close to me (friend/relative) or if it encroaches on your present, i.e. STIs.

Health Issues (outside of STIs), it depends on what the issues are and where in the relationship you are. If you need a liver replacement for whatever reason, that isn't for me to know on the third date. But if we are approaching serious relationship, I'm calling you my man and vice versa, then that information needs to be shared.

Family, for me personally, it is one of my ultra private realms. Not everyone I date (and by date I mean going out/getting to know you phase, not boyfriend phase) is going to meet the family. I barely know you, so I'm definitely not going to bring you to all the family functions like we're a couple. In the same token family information (relationships/lack there of, issues, situations) are out of your pervue if we are just dating. As the relationship develops, then family introductions, information, etc. begin to happen.

Finances is the same as family. Only when we are nearing/in a relationship do we need to share intricacies of debt.

...would anyone ever consider having a background check on someone and if so under what circumstances?

Nope. I say so because if I feel the need to go to the lenghts of a background check, then I feel said person isn't being honest with me. And there are other ways to address that before seeking a background check. If I feel unsatisfied with being upfront/honest about needing/wanting to know more information or if I feel like I am being lied to, then its time for me to reconsider the relationship.

No.

Definitely! I'd run the whole battery of tests. Background, Credit, STD, etc. before I married any man. I wouldn't do it secretly. I'd let him know what I intend to do and why I intend to do it. If he's uncomfortable and/or can't understand why its necessary then he's not meant to be married to me. Would you merge your Fortune 500 company with a company that you haven't thoroughly vetted? No. So, why would you merge your life with someone who you haven't fully vetted? This insn't one sided either. I would submit to all of the tests as well. They would not be optional for either of us. He needs to know as do I. There may be some things that you want to keep in the past, but if its big enough to show up on a background or credit check then it probably needs to be known.

No. It's just that background checks don't really show what makes or breaks the relationship. At least it doesn't for me. I dunno, I guess the things I look for are based on his personality.

If I met someone on the internet, I'd be background checking him before I even met him. I've learned from others' mistakes. I'm talking a guy who lives far away, not someone who I happened to meet online who lives in the next neighborhood over.

I prefer honesty, upfront and always. This doesn't mean that he has to tell me everything about himself on the first date, but if I ask him a question I want an honest answer.

As a relationship unfolds, the nature of the questions change. For me, I have certain questions that I ask and need to have answered before the relationship progresses to the next stage (but not necessarily before, unless it just happens to come up). I hope for and expect complete honesty when he is answering those questions and I reciprocate with total honesty.

I know of one instant where something about me has definitely damaged the relationship, but that has not stopped me from being honest about that aspect of my life in subsequent relationships. It's nothing that I have to be ashamed of, it was just that dude had a particular hang up.

I have never had to think about a background check. I have never gotten to the stage that would require one of those.

If you never met him, how would you know who to look up? He'd be pretty stupid to give up all of his info to a chick he never met.