I hate my boyfriend's fraternity
 

how common is it for girlfriends and brothers not to get along? how do the rest of the guys treat the brother dating the "bitch" ?

i love my boyfriend of 3 years but i HATE his fraternity. im sure the feeling is mutual. im not one of those girls that likes being at the house- infact, i avoid it. im not down with being surrounded by obnoxious, random girls.

i'm not into the social scene- i would rather hang out at the library during weekends; my boyfriend is the oppossite. So, we barely see each other so when we do, i kinda just want it to be just us. I dont want his friends tagging along ( or anyone else).

needless to say, i am extremely unpopular with his friends. I cant even talk to him without them making some obnoxious comment in the background. i love him but im beginning to wonder if i even wanna deal with this. Ive been at odds with his brothers for about 2/3 years. i

m beginning to think i should just pretend to like them and make things easier for my man, but am i over reacting? wouldnt he have dissassociated if things were as bad as I imagine?

thank you KSU. Mine is in Pi kapp. Unfortunately. I wish he was in D-chi because the ones i know are sooo nice and are a lot of fun.

This definitely happens, my ex was in a local fraternity and they all treated me like crap. I put up with it, but eventually got too frustrated (with him and the frat). KSUviolet is right, you and his fraternity guys don't have to love each other, but that does not give them the right to say such things.
He won't be in this place for the rest of his life. and I'm sure that you love each other, but you even said that you are different in terms of social circles and the like... are there other things that are different as well? 3 years is a long time.
I'm not saying these things to make you paranoid or upset...just pointing them out...? :o

I agree that her bf needs to know what his brothers are saying to her. However, I think she should address the rudeness herself before sending her bf in. Then, if the brothers don't respond positively, her bf should approach them. But it's her battle first.

From reading this, it seems as though you may not have very much in common with your boyfriend, that his fraternity brothers don't respect EITHER of you, and that your relationship may not be worth saving because he's not mature enough to hold onto an adult relationship.

I suggest telling him how you feel and then allowing him to decide whether he'd rather date you or his fraternity brothers.

The dudes say obnoxious things in the background when they're on the phone. Her boyfriend knows that they're saying things, even if he doesn't know everything they're saying to her all the time. The fact that he lets just a little slide, let's me know that he doesn't value the relationship and is immature. He should've cussed them out years ago and worked on salvaging his relationship rather than trying to keep the peace with his fraternity brothers (who probably aren't his friends, anyway).

thanks for your responses.

yes, he def knows what is happening. But I'm not exactly timid, so it's been a back and forth thing between me and them. its been going on for years and its so old. i really thought it was one of those unspoken rules where you couldnt go against your brothers.thats why i was wondering how common this kind of thing was. i never even considered him defending me because i had no idea he could.

and alethia, we dont have much in common. but 3 yrs is a long time and i think thats the main reason we're still together.

:confused::confused: Umm...WTF? OF COURSE he can defend you. Whether he has the balls to seems to be more of what's in question.

I would've dumped him years ago.

Nope. It's his battle first. He shouldn't make her be the heavy.

I'll agree, though, that she shouldn't be sending him in. He should be taking care of it without her having to ask.

Again, I'll have to disgree. Sure, he won't be an active in a few years, and college will be behind them, but if it's not his fraternity brothers, it'll be some other group of friends.

Do you really want it to turn into 4 or 5 years if you don't have that much in common and he's not willing to stand up for you?

Yeah, but thats you though... I mean no matter what we think, we ALL have been in relationships that went on too long, for whatever reason, and they weren't always good for us.
Gem- i can see what you mean about not being "able" to, in regards to fraternity , perhaps the order of things, etc but Alphafrog is right, it is a matter of what is more important to him. Especially if you have stepped in and said something to him and he KNOWS that it bothers you. I would take those kinds of things into consideration.
Will we always get along with our significant others' friends? no not necessarily, but having the strength to stand up to them and not having your partner at least respect your wishes and back you up, can be a serious problem.
I mean would this happen whether a fraternity was involved or not? I'm not sure, if anything, I would think that they'd be more respectful, but not always, like in my case with my ex.

I would try to talk to him, let him know how you feel... and perhaps youmight just have to hit the wall where you can't take it anymore. Three years is a long time, but if you're being treated like that and he's not making as much of an effort to do things that you both want to do... then really... what is the use of holding on to a past that may or may not repeat itself?
good luck! let us know how things go!

This is different than what I had imagined based on your first post. If it's been this way for years, and your bf knows it and hasn't done anything to stop it, I really don't understand why you've stuck around for so long. Honestly, he might be wondering the same thing.


That's not a very good reason for staying together.

you all have good points and have made me consider options that i didnt even know were possible ( like disagreeing with is brothers). i guess i just didnt know how much he could do for me and i just wondered if a lot of fraternities were this possessive with their members. now, we only see each other once every 2 weeks (because everytime i see him i think of his brothers) yet his brothers STILL insist on tagging along and accusse me of being selfish when i say no. after awhile, it made me worry i was really hurting their fraternity. despite what it may seem, thats the last thing i want to do.

"If it's been this way for years... I really don't understand why you've stuck around for so long." we're about to graduate and he keeps assuring me things will be different once we graduate. i remember how great things were before he joined so i want to believe him.

I believe I did type "I would've."

I have never been in a long term relationship that lasted too long. I am quick to end meaningless wastes of time before it hits the 1 year mark.

More than that, I would never ask for opinions from friends, family, or random people on the internet if these opinions don't/won't count for anything. Keep it to yourself if you want to be able to process it all and act on your own.

If you don't like being at the house (but you do seem to like the guys in ANOTHER fraternity) and want all of your time with him to be "alone time", obviously his brothers aren't going to like you very much. Even if you're not confrontational, which it sounds like you are.

They're a big part of his life, and you need to accept that or end the relationship. After 3 years you should have found a way to work around this that's mutually OK for both of you. If you can't, you probably should end the relationship.

It's a waste. Dump him and move on to an adult relationship. Never take promises of good things to come when a man has yet to give you more good than bad.

When you graduate from college, you'll see how ridiculous this all really was. You may also find that he's generally a coward who makes excuses and that his fraternity brothers were just one of many things that pull him away from you.

im realize that the answer may lie outside myself so i have no qualms asking others on the internet for advice on what to do. but really the main reason i started this thread was because i honestly was beginning to think a lot of fraternities might secretly be this possessive. i wanted to ask you all, who are more insightful, if that really was true because i didnt want to stereotype all fraternities based on my experience with this one. i guess my question was answered though. so thanks again, everyone.

i didn't mean it like that. i'm sorry for the confusion, i just meant in general, including myself, b/c i feel exactly the same way (and i have learned to do the same thing, meaning ending a relationship b/c i did waste my time after too long) :o

in terms of this question, no, i don't think that *most* fraternity guys are as possessive. sure, they give their buddies a hard time or whatever, but unless they really feel a certain way will they take their teasing to a new level as in the in-your-face meanness
*(i'm generalizing)

Don't hate fraternity men for the rest of your life.

Just dump that lame boyfriend. :p

Say what? You only see him once every 2 weeks? That's crazy. I don't understand why he lets his brothers essentially control his relationship. I hate to break it to you but things won't be different after you graduate. He sounds like the type of guy who is easily manipulated by people. This is a guy who won't even stick up for his girlfriend of 3 years! There will be some other factor in his life controlling him in the future - his boss, his job, etc. Are you prepared to deal with that forever? If not, break up with him.

Maybe they're just not that into you. Or he isn't, either.

There is obviously a balance to be held. That being said, they are probably taking HIS cues. If he seems unhappy/not satisfied/aggravated, they are going to treat you the way that THEY SEE HIM acting in your absence.

I could be wrong. If I am, then he's a wuss for not standing up to them. A real man will be able to balance the various parts of his life. If this one can't, move on. If he's "the one", he wouldn't be treating you this way.

Assuming you aren't being unreasonable with your requests/demands/etc., (you may not realize how YOU act when in their presence or how you sound when you talk about them). Remember, he loves his brothers (too??).

Lastly, if there is "simply" a hate/hate relationship between the fraternity and you, then you might have to accept it. I was fortunate in that my (now ex)bf's fraternity loved me, and vice versa. I was friends with them before my ex became a pledge/my bf/brother/officer, so that might have made a difference.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

You wouldn't be with a person for 3 years unless you figured they were a potential candidate for a mate. That said, if the guy doesn't stand up for you now, what does that say about your prospects 10 years from now?

DTMFA.

^^^ this right here = instant cool points in my book :D:D:D

Eloquent, simple, and to the point

Ok, I'll ask -- I can't figure out what that acronym stands for. Translation, please? :)

Just guessing, but I'd say it means
Dump That Maternal-Fornicating Anus
(or something similar) ;)

fantASTic, you have also made points w/ me for being a Savage Love reader. :)

It means Dump The Mother Foicker Already.

Ahhhh, thank you! That will go in my handy-acronyms-to-have-around-file...

We may need that for The Race. ;)

(Although I knew what it meant. More skills we can use. :D)

[quote=MysticCat;1543254]We may need that for The Race. ;)
[quote]
You read my mind! :p

:D Every week. It's my version of crack. I can't give it up.

You took the words right out of my mouth...LOVE Savage Love!

While this is true, I think you should probably make an effort to get to know the guys in your bf's fraternity.

What is it about them that you don't like? Are they mean to you?

I didn't read the whole thread, so I don't know if you're a freshman, soph, etc, but even if it's only a couple of years left, this is something you have to deal with if you want it to work.

I'm guessing from this post that she is a junior.

I'm also wondering from that post if her problems with her boyfriend's chapter may stem, at least in part, from some impressions she has made in the past (and may still be making).

My brothers didn't like one of my ex's, one incident happened. At the next meeting I politely explained that I understand that most of them don't care for her but that it was my choice to date who I dated and that they should respect me and my choice and treat her with respect. At the very least I asked them to respect the fact that if they treat her bad I'm going to have to hear about it and I really don't have time or patience for drama.

I also explained in a similar fashion to her that she needed to treat them with respect even though she knows they don't like her or ignore them.

worked out ok

after some thinking ( and of course after reading eveyone's responses) i decided i had enough of the relationship. so, i told him i was no longer interested because clearly he loved his friends more. and there was no shame in that.

afterwards, i stoped talkng to him. however, after 2 days his brother ( his biological brother) somehow got my number and told me how misrable my boy was. yes, i took him back and things are great. his brothers don't bother me, anymore.

EDIT: Oh, sorry. I subscribed to this but i guess my email blocks some of the notifications. anyways, my bf and I are both seniors. and why dont his brothers like me? according to his brother, they think he's whipped but i dont know if that's the reason. i dont interact with them. i try to avoid them. I don't feel like I should have to bend backwards for people who are rude to me and thankfully i didnt have to in this case.

As long as people can treat each other respect no one has to like anyone, I know that the second a woman I date tries to shut me off from my brothers or make choose it's done, because my choice would be easy.