At the End of My Rope!
 

I am at the end of my rope with two of my best girlfriends. I have known each of them since I was in 6th grade. They are both involved in awful relationships. One friend is married to a guy who is mentally and verbally abusive to her. The other is dating a guy who is manipulative, lacks common courtesy, and shows all the signs of a cheater. They have both asked me for my opinion on their situations, and since I have known these women since we were kids, I was honest. They need to drop these clowns! I stated all my reasons why I think they each deserve better. However, they just continue to allow themselves to be manipulated over and over again (this has been going on for several years with the married friend, and several months with the one who is dating the guy).

At least once a week, these two call me up, crying over something that these characters did or did not do. When they don't call about it, they are constantly texting me about it. We can't even go out and enjoy lunch or a movie anymore because the entire outing consists of them complaining about these guys. Actually, the married one cannot even come out anymore because she is NOT ALLOWED to.

I am so stressed because I keep seeing these two dear friends hurt. I have told each of them that I am always here for them, but that I will no longer give any opinions on their situations because I've said what I had to say, and that's all. I've noticed that the other gals we hang out with do not come around as much (I think they are just fed up with the drama). I don't want to do the same, or abandon my friends because they have been good to me all my life. I pray daily about this, and I need some advise, please. :(

(Normally I wouldn't put a personal problem out on an internet board, but I want to refrain from discussing this situation with other friends in our group, and need some un-biased opinions.)

It's always hard to see people we love in situations we hate. But, since these women are grown, they, as you know, are the only ones who can do anything about it.

Perhaps you should keep a detailed log for a month... and after that month, when one of them starts to complain about things, you can hand her the log and say, "Look. Just look at this. Then tell me if this is just going to be another complaint, or if you're actually going to do anything about it."

I can see how this is draining for you. And I can see why your other mutual friends have given up. What would your two relationship-challenged friends say if they read your post?

I don't think it would be out of line for you to tell them that you love them, and want the best for them, but it is draining for them to complain to you when they don't plan to change the situation. Support them, but understand you may to back off if all they want to do is complain. It is obviously sucking your energy to just hear a litany of complaints

If they saw my post...I think they would feel badly. Actually, each of them has admitted that they need to get out of their respective relationships, but they don't take any steps to do so. With the married friend, a few of us have offered to house her if she wants to leave him but doesn't want to feel alone (She makes far more money than he does, and could easily afford her own place, but we were thinking maybe she would want some support at first if she left.).

You're right. I've told them that I'm not giving them any more advice on these matters, but I haven't worked up the nerve to let them know they are draining me. I think I need to do that.

Thanks, ladies! :)

Good luck - you are a good friend to these women, even if they don't recognize that right now.

^Thank you. :)

My take--

Why should you take on another person's illness and how are you to transcend in your life? It is already causing you grief.

I would be harsher than SWTX Belle. I would tell them "I am unable to tolerate your issues as such our friendships are affect. Until you are able to speak to me without dumping your problems on my lap, I will be more than happy to speak to you. Until then, I hope you achieve all your heart's dreams. Peace out..."

You are not a waste management company and even if you were, you don't have the licenses or permits to accept trash. So, why should you take it from these folks? Just asking?

^Good point.

When you put it in those terms, I almost sound just as bad as these two friends of mine (letting someone else just take and take from me, while not getting much in return). I hadn't thought about it that way before.

Thank you, AKA_Monet. You have given me a new angle to consider here.

LA,

I have been where you have been and I understand how difficult it can be...especially with long time friends. However, even with friends you have to put your foot down to keep your own sanity. I have a friend who was in the same situation and I felt like we were having the same conversation everyday and it just got sooooo old and I got tired of repeating myself to obviously death ears. Unfortunately, for some, they have to bump their head before they learn. All, you can do is pray that God preserves them and gives them clear eyes to see and an open mind and heart to receive. I had to tell my friend that I loved her but I couldn't continue the daily circle we were having. If she couldn't respect my feelings then she needed to do some self-searching and come back when she could. It got to the point that no matter how the conversation begun we ended by talking about the same 'ol thing and it was making me not even want to talk to her.

LA, you cannot carry their burdens and they should not expect you to. That ain't right. You have said what you had to say so now you have to just let go and let God...for real. If they are your friends, they will understand and accept your position. If they don't...they just don't. I know its easier said than done but please don't let this continue to worry you. Sometimes the right choices in life are not the easiest...

I'm praying for you LA....

Thank you, Velocity_14! I agree with what you and the others have said. I need to put a stop to this cycle.

I have been thinking a lot about what is driving these two to stay with these losers. It boils down to these ladies not wanting to be alone. I doubt either of them would be lonely if they dropped their current partners. They are both well educated, friendly, and attractive...but for some reason, desperate to the point they'll put up with anything. You know what's odd, though? The friend with the boyfriend is constantly talking smack about the friend with the abusive husband (saying that *she* is brainwashed, *she* needs to leave *her* man, etc.)! Unbelievable!

I appreciate the perspective that all of you ladies have provided here. I am supposed to meet up with friend #2 (the one with the boyfriend) for a movie tomorrow. I think I will suggest we also go for coffee and have a good talk.

I'll let you know what happens.

Another angle you could take is saying something like "Look, as your friend, I am here for you, but your problems in your relationship are beyond what I can help with. Here is the number for a good marriage (relationship) counselor. If you want me to come with you to the first appointment for moral support, I will, because I really hope you seek some professional support for your situation."

I think these 2 women know deep down that the men that they are with are 'no good', but they are are hoping that their instincts are wrong and that you will tell them differently.

Sadly, "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink".

I think you need to allow them to continue in these relationships until the relationships end (yes, it will be difficult for you to do this, but they are adults and must be given the free choice to do as they will), and then be there for them for they are newly single again.

You are a good friend, but I would not take on any more of their grief. Give yourself some distance from them. (P.S. I like the suggestion of referring them to a professional counsellor. They might help them to see the "light" of their situation.)

I have an update.

All I can say is that prayer WORKS because one of my friends has taken some action!

As you recall, I mentioned that friend #2's boyfriend was exhibiting all signs of a cheater. Well, I believe that God put her in a place to see and hear what she needed to see and hear yesterday! In the morning, she decided to randomly show up at the dude's house because he hadn't been returning her phone calls. When she knocked on the door, he called out ANOTHER WOMAN'S name!

Well, you can imagine what happened next. That was the proof my friend needed. The dude starts back-peddling but it was to no avail. My friend got him to admit that he is seeing MULTIPLE other women. He was expecting one of those women in the morning, and was totally shocked to see my friend instead. My friend was able to get a bicycle she had left there, but he was shoo-ing her out when she tried to get the rest of her belongings.

I found out about all this when I met up with her last night for a bite to eat. She actually wanted to roll up to his house and retrieve the rest of her stuff. I talked her out of that because there is no point. So, thankfully, she is through with this guy, but still pretty upset.

But regarding friend #1, who is married:

Thankfully, no. However, she is thinking that they should have one next year in an attempt to "make the relationship better." Of course, we've all told her that this is the WORST thing to do EVER. I actually called her last night to invite her to go to dinner with me and our other friend, but she said, "Well, I really don't like to go out anymore. I'm not into that any longer. I just prefer to stay home now."

Okay, we are talking about someone who was one of the world's biggest partiers just a couple years ago. She is completely brainwashed. She even speaks in a slow, small voice now.

I am going to try to locate a counselor in her area to see if maybe she'd want to go. She's got to do something.

Well...here is my take...and I apologize if I sound harsh but some of these same things I apply to self.

I agree with some of the other things that have already been said, also...

1. You have known them since 6th grade....have you all grown together since that time? It's good that you have that kind of relationship that lasts over time like this but as it's said, sometimes you have to let people go. You get to a certain point that you outgrow your friends which brings me to point number 2.

2. What are they doing besides calling you about thier problems? Are they even following any advice that you have given? Are they at a point where they need to seek professional help? There are people out there that no matter how miserable they are....they seem to love it. And complain just for the sake of complain and are NOT happy unless they are complaining.

Sometimes, the best thing to do is take a step back and let them work it out for themselves. You get to a point that even you can only do so much and when it sounds like it's a broken record and you can see that they aren't doing much to help thier situation then you have to let go and let God. Because thier stress should not have to be your stress and worse case scenario is if something happens, those same people who are supposed to be friends will be the first to turn around and blame you for 'ruining thier marriage' and that is something to take into account.

Be there and be a friend, but be sure that you don't let yourself get involved no further than you want to be because YOU aren't the one married....THEY are.

Last but not least...make notes so that way you don't repeat the same mistakes...

If she actually believes that... well, I'll refrain from being too harsh ... but she's gotten beyond the point where you can help her. :(

She has got to talk to someone. This is more about her than it is about her relationship with the husband.

Good luck!

You should go talk to friend #1 when hubby is not there and give it to her straight, no chaser. Then step back and let her know that you are available when she needs you *cuz she will need you at some point*, but that you can not and will not be, as some said earlier, her waste management company.

#1 honestly sounds like she's being abused, if not physically, then emotionally/mentally.

Well, we have known each other since we were about 11, and we've had periods where we weren't as close because we all weren't living in the same region, etc. It is surprising to see my married friend acting like this because she was always, in my opinion, the most independent one in the bunch. She was the one who always stood up to her parents; She was the one who would ALWAYS kick a guy to the curb who wasn't treating her right. She was so strong before she met this loser.

I guess you can say my other friend was somewhat of a late bloomer. She was afraid to talk to boys as a teen, and didn't have a serious boyfriend until after college. This was only her second "relationship" ever, and she's 32. I know this is part of her problem. The first boyfriend she had (for 4 years) never treated her properly, so she doesn't even really grasp what it means to be in a healthy relationship.

You're right. Some of our other friends have suggested having an intervention with her (because even her siblings have noticed a negative change in her), and having a professional there to follow up with her.

Yes, you are correct. Right now it is emotional and mental abuse, and I am afraid it might go further than that at some point. :(

Agreed with 33girl- I'm wondering how bad things have gotten, and if there are things she is too "ashamed" to tell you.

Yes, that worries me, too. She and I have discussed counseling, or at least marriage counseling, but she's expressed to me that because of their cultural background, it is not an option. (Which really doesn't explain why she feels free to tell me about all this strife. :confused:)

Her mother isn't helping. Her mom (who stayed with a male for over 40 years even though he had a family with a woman in their home country) basically told her to "suck it up" because that's "just how men are." :rolleyes:

Ok, uh, no. Stage an intervention and go from there.

And let us know what happens.

Sounds like a "Waiting to Exhale" moment in the making.

Make sure when she starts to sell the cars and good for a buck someone call me

Well, this explains a lot. People who come from unhealthy homes typically do one of two things: (1) recognize the problems from their childhood home life and vow to never be in a similar situation, or (2) fail to recognize the problems from their childhood home life and practically recreate that toxic atmosphere.

It sounds like your friend falls in the second category.

While it would be encouraging to know that your friend's mom is supportive of your take on the whole matter, in the end, it probably wouldn't make too much of an impact. Children often don't appreciate their parents' opinions when it comes to relationship woes... regardless of how old/young they are.

Glad to hear your other friend knows what's going on with her (hopefully ex) boyfriend.

Good luck dealing with all this; I know it can't be easy for you.

People often imitate (consciously or not) what they saw growing up. :(

Your friends are lucky to have you.

Thanks, ladies :)

And DaemonSeid, didn't she set the husband's car ablaze in that movie? LOL!

yup....lol

What exactly do you mean by that?

Her words, not mine: "Asians are not supposed to seek help for stuff like this." :(

stoicism doesn't stop an arsewhupping

^Oh, don't think we haven't thought about that (well, for him)!!! The only reason her brothers haven't laid hands on him is because she has asked them not to (repeatedly).

Honestly, then, this is just a case of what's more important - your marriage or your pride...in both cases. If the husband decides that his pride is worth more than getting help, then he deserves it if his wife walks out on him. Likewise, if the wife deicides that her pride is more important than getting away from an abusive husband, than there's nothing anyone can do.

^Yes, I think it is a matter of pride and low-self esteem on her part. Bad combination. :(

LA,

I'm curious to know how the non-married friend is doing. Does she seem to be moving forward with the break-up or does she look like she may 'relapse'?

^Yes, I'm actually quite proud of how she is handling this. We went to lunch on Tuesday and she told me she learned many lessons through this "relationship"--mainly, to pay more attention to actions vs. words. I don't think she is going to relapse with this guy. She has an appt. to see her doctor to make sure she didn't catch anything from his rampant cheating. :(

I think another reason why she won't relapse with this particular guy is because once she found out he was cheating, he told her to kick rocks because he "has other girls anyway." He's not trying to apologize or get her back.

And even if he was, I hope she stays faaaaaar away from him. Good for her for going to check herself out.

I heard a quote on Oprah that says you marry a person who tells you what you already think about yourself, which I think is so true. Combined with the family history, it sounds like she won't leave him without some serious intervention and professional counseling. I know her situation is breaking your heart, but honestly she has probably pushed everyone so far away, the best thing you can do is enjoy your healthy relationships and be there for her if she decides to take action.

I am so proud of friend #2 and glad you saw the situation resolved!

I think all of you are correct--there isn't a whole lot the rest of us (her friends and even family) can do anymore, but I will continue to pray. I do think we should try to have an intervention with her, but that will be hard to accomplish given that she's rarely "allowed" to go outside of her home. :(

Well, he leaves the house at some point, right?
And if you bring her brothers along, they could handle him.

^You know, one of my friend's brothers is a gay man, and he's asked my friend several times if her husband was really gay(!!!). He says he's "picked up" on something there. I'm really bad at figuring out people's orientations, so I don't really try, but I do recall on several occassions hearing her husband brag about other men hitting on him at the gym...

But yes, perhaps we can get her alone when he's gone at some point.