So why can't ex lovers remain friends?
 

You're thoughts. Is it all or nothing. Do you think ex lovers can or should remain friends?

My opinion is flat out NO. It causes too many problems. I can see if they have kids together, but if not, the bridge has got to be broken. Period. Once I'm out, I'm out for good.

From experience,
N-O.

It's not worth it, unless they have kids.

I need closure to be able to move on, and that doesn't always necessarily mean after it's all said and done, we can kick it the way we used to... I'd rather be a cordial acquaintance (sp?) than be a friend

I know quite a few people who are friends with their ex, and it works well.

I personally am not friends with any of my (serious) exs. However, I know if I ever really needed him for something, my most recent ex would be there for me.

I think a friendship can be salvaged if the couple really breaks up... that means no phone calls/texts/emails, hang out sessions, etc. for a while.

However, many people want to transition from lovers to friends immediately, and end up spending as much time together as they did before they ended the relationship. And that often ends in resentment on one side.

But if they take a break to really be apart, I think friendship is possible. At least, it has been for me...

Hell Naw ex-lovers can't be friends. There is a reason they're exes. Keep the drama out of your life.

ditto on what everyone has said.

friendship is the foundation of bf/gf relationships, so when that "something" happens to cause the relationship to end, that means the friendship has been compromised as well.

Even when children are involved, it still takes a lot for a friendship to develop after a relationship ends. Both parties have to be willing to drop their personal differences and move on...and that can be difficult to do.

its worked for me, but there had to be a transition period first...I don't think it can be an automatic change from lovers to friends...

The sex part always gets in the way ~"When Harry met Sally"~:)

If the parting of ways was amicable and mutual, perhaps.

From my experience, however, someone still likes the other person more and feelings get hurt. And if you end up being friends with benefits? Good lord, get ready for drama.

ok, i agree with everything on here, but i also happen to be friends with an ex lover...

YES it is difficult at times, but we were friends that became lovers that became friends. i think the lovers thing in the midst of all that was so that we wouldnt think "what if" and we realized we were better as friends. he and i are very close, i am engaged, he is too, and we respect that. we know to make sure that nothing we do seems or could be misunderstood as intimate, and respect each others partners 100%. i think this could be a lot harder to pull off if the time together as lovers ranges in the years, ours was only 8 or 9 months off and on.

One word: SEX

Yes they can if the maturity level is there. Depends on the circumstances.:)

it REALLY depends.

is it a situation of a real relationship followed by just friendship? if so i think that can work out. i've seen that more than a few times.

or is it a situation where you were just f*%ing and then you want to be just friends. if so - hell no. one of you or both of you is going to keep wanting. and if it keeps happening, well you aren't really friends. and if it stops, well somebody starts to resent. lord its juicy fun though!

Funny but I agree 100%:cool:

it depends on the how the relationship ended....

I am friends with 2 of my ex's and both have met my current gf.

It wasn't awkward because one fo them I have actually been friends with since high school (tried the relationship thing in our 20s and it didnt work) and the other we dated for a few months but figured out we were better as friends and have been so since........but as someone said earlier..if you haven't learned to be friends with ur ex while u were dating...why try after the fact?

I was married for 13 years, and divorced 4 years ago. My ex-husband and I are still best buddies - even tho we live 2 hrs apart, we still talk at least twice a week. I'd do darn near anything for him if he needed it - except live w/ him ever again! (and he says the same about me)

I'm remarried - and not only am I friends w/ my ex, but since my current husband and my ex have known each other and were friends for 18 years previously, THEY are friends still!

In fact, last weekend, Mr. Quala and I held a Celebration Party (since we eloped in December) for friends and family....and you know who the dj was? (only b/c I couldn't dj my own party) My ex-husband!

Ya think I oughtta go on Jerry Springer or what??

I close doors. It keeps life simple when it's cut-and-dry. That doesn't mean I am angry or have any ill will toward them. I just don't believe that the average person is meant to permanently be in your life. When it's time for them to go...PEACE in a peaceful way.

But I have an ex who I'm casual acquaintances with. I don't call us "friends" because we talk or run into each other maybe once or twice a year and don't talk about anything in depth. In other words, I wouldn't talk to him about personal stuff or keep him up to date on what's going on with me. But if there was something that I needed in his field of expertise, he'd help me as I would help him. But neither of us would go too out of our way for the other. Instead, that's what REAL friends and CURRENT significant others are for.

nope...that just shows true maturity on everyone's part...better than being with someone who you broke up with and they act like a little baby because you moved on....

"if I can't have you no one can....booo hooo..."

I'm friends with a lot of my exes but my most recent ex has cut me off completely. He doesn't like people who drink and party and when I transferred schools I discovered that *shock horror* college is fun! Drinking is fun and going to a party is fun.
We didn't break up because of that, we broke up because our relationship had been dead in the water for six months and I finally worked up the courage to face it.
He cut me off because I realized that I enjoyed being sociable and started having a good time. Yeah-I restrained myself from drinking for the 18 months I was with him. I had a lot of catching up to do. So sue me.

It's a shame, we could have still been really good friends, we had a lot in common. It was his choice though.

There is one ex that I remained very good friends with for a long time. However, he and I were friends first. There was always an attraction, but he was with my best friend at the time, which is how I met him. She ended up cheating on him but he and I remained friends and my friendship with her became strained. I was angry that she had treated him that way because I was close friends with both of them. He and I decided to try dating each other because there was definitely some chemistry there. However, we also found out, after about a month, that we were better as friends and went back to just being friends. He found a new gf and I started dating someone else. His gf and I used to drive up to his college to see him on Saturdays sometimes. I ended up falling in love with his roommate and the four of us double dated for my (and the other gfs) prom. I ended up going to the same college and stayed friends with Michael the whole time. It was most awkward when his roommate and I broke up though. There were occasional times, when we were both single, that we had to kind of fight the chemistry but we had such different expectations from a significant other that we knew we couldn't make a relationship work (eg. he wouldn't let his wife work ever, and I wanted a career).

I don't know if I even really consider him an "ex".. but more like a friend who I tried to date at one time, if that makes sense.

I am friends with pretty much all of my ex's....
my longest relationship, he was also one of my best friends. Two months after we broke up, he was with my real best friend. I was devastated and never thought I would get over it. Four months later, we're friends again, and I'm friends with the girl again. She and I will never be the same, but we're friendly (she's also one of my sorority sisters..... longggg story) He is still the same idiot I broke up with, she can have him but we're friends again, and I realize why we're not together.

so, i guess it is possible for some ex's to be friends.

Ask cheerfulgreek!

Ask her what sorority she's in while you're at it.

I once recieved a very useful peice of information from a person I trusted very much.

She told me that if there were real feelings involved, a meaningful friendship would never happen. The romantic aspect that was once apart of the relationship would always get in the way.

I have yet to prove her wrong.

that seems to make very good sense. its a shame, though, when you break up and realize that friends is as far as it should have gone

I'm still friends with 2 of my exes. In both circumstances, we were friends prior to dating.

One of them I dated for 2 years in college. It has been 10 years since we split up, and we've remained friends over that time. (Though we went a good 6 months or so without much contact after we split up. It was a pretty serious relationship - aside from my husband, my most serious relationship.) We're both now happily married w/children. No biggie - our spouses both know that we had previously dated and were still friends.

The other one I dated for about 6 months. It has been 6 years since we split up. (I started dating my now husband about a year after the split w/that ex.) He got married last summer. My husband and he actually have a lot in common and have struck up a friendship.

There are exes who I don't keep in touch with, of course. But with the 2 I mentioned above, they are both genuinely good people and we were genuine friends before dating - there was no reason to sacrifice that friendship, when all parties involved (me, the exes, each of our now spouses) have no problem with it.

i think it depends on how you broke up, what your relationship was like, and how mature and committed you are to staying friends. i'm friends with my ex (we were together 3 years, it's the only serious relationship of my life thus far), but as another friend said two nights ago as we bitched about boys: as long as one of you wants to jump the other (and doubly so if it's NOT just a sexual jump but a 'i want to make out with you' or something of that ilk), you cannot. you need a transition and in that transition period be prepared for major awkwardness

That about sums up our lesson for today.

Man I been going through that for a while now. And that relationship ended a while ago.

My Story
 

So me and my ex met our freshman year in college. We knew each other like 2 years and were like brother and sister. So we decided to try dating. Well I saw him more as a brother than a boyfriend, I was HEAVILY involved with ASA and we had exceptionally different relgious backgrounds. So we ended up breaking up. He has since distanced himself from me consideribly and I moved 4 hours away. He now has a wife that he met on the internet that does not even have a GED, and after like 6-7 years he still is like a semester or 2 from graduating undergrad. I've had a Masters degree almost 2 years now and graduated 3 years ago from my undergrad. In reference to the physical appearances that are turn offs, he has a very pronounced unibrow and bad teeth. Oh and I saw him at a wedding like last year and he gained weight with his new chick. We are still civil but not as close as we were. I feel sorry for him because I know I and other other potential chicks could be better; but I have too much else to think about and do in my own life and it has been like 2-3 years so I don't obsess over it any longer. I'm just single and ready to mingle and stay busy in the process.

My ex situations:

Freshman year boyfriend-5 month relationship, he broke my heart-He's now married, but we do the "check in" e-mails every once in a while

Junior Year boyfriend-3 month relationship, he broke up with me, but I wasn't exactly broken hearted-we are facebook friends, but that's the extent of it. For a long time, I would turn and walk the other way if I ever saw him, but now it's more just a matter of not caring

Senior Year boyfriend-3 month relationship, very mutual breakup, we did the check-in thing several months ago, and that's about the extent

Last official boyfriend-8 month off and on relationship... He got engaged two weeks ago, and we talk once or twice a week. We were best friends for a while after we "officially" broke up (yes, it was complicated) but then it was a matter of both of us getting different priorities

I think you can be friends, but usually if you're really over the person, you don't really care to be friends with them, anyway

Noooo.
Tried it 1 time, he brought up the breakup, and issue of fault. It wasn't a traffic accident, like a no-fault one.

Trust me - if you every have a breakup from a relationship that's YEARS long, instead of months - these others won't seem like ANYTHING anymore. Most likely, you won't even feel awkward around them.

I used to feel awkward around the guys I dated for a few months, and then I dated the EX for 3 1/2 years, and all those other relationships don't even seem to count. I think I would still feel weird around him today, even though I'm married and he's engaged.

Well, that's why I put the length of the relationships. I didn't want someone thinking that I was like, 'Oh, YEAH, it's possible to have great friendships with boyfriends" when in all actuality, I wasn't exactly talking marriage with any of them.

My point is more that if you're really over someone, you don't care enough to have a friendship with them. I think that there are some cases where you run into them on a regular basis and it might be natural to have a friendship, but if not, then you probably won't remain friends, even if you could.

Remaining Friends
 

I think it depends on how the relationship started and how you operationally define "friend."

If you mean, remaining friendly and on good terms after the romantic relationship is over then perhaps that is possible if the relationship wasn't horrible.

It would also depend on whether or not you were good friends before becoming romantically involved. And whether or not, one or both of you are harboring feelings.

I attempted to remain "friends" with a man that I was friends with for years before we became romantically involved. He was the one who pushed the whole "let's be friends" scenario. We would talk periodically on the phone and I think we may have hung out once or twice after our romantic relationship was over.

But, what I discovered later is that he was using friendship as a means to kinda keep me around. And, he would not share details about his romantic/dating life with me - although I would tell him about my dating life. He also attempted to rekindle a relationship with me although he was involved with another woman.

So, I ended it completely. I am convinced that it is very hard to remain friendly with someone you have shared your most intimate self with.

I think it's best to wish the person well and go your separate ways.

yes and no. I'm really good friends with my high school sweetheart, but i think that's because it never got super serious. I've attempted to maintain a friendship with a serious ex from college, and well, it's been too much trouble.