Ok to adopt a little sister?
 

Hey all! I just wanted to pose this question for all of the greek family out there..........

I graduated and moved about 300 miles away from my chapter for my job. I'm still in the same state and really only about 2.5 hours away. Well it's about a year later and someone who is supposed to be my BEST friend is in the process of adopting the one "little sister" that I had left to carry on my family tree. Am I right to be hurt about this? I tried to move back to the area of my university/chapter, but I couldn't find a job. I had some extinuating circumstances that disallowed me to get back to my chapter for big sis reveal and initiation. I don't know if other sororities do this. I don't think I'm a terrible big sister........ I just want to get input from people who are not in my chapter. Unfortunately, sisters are taking sides.... and I don't want that.

This situation is ruining my friendship, my family tree, and alienating me from the chapter that I LOVE! Is this right?

Thanks!

I think that it does suck and you should be hurt. Right now there are only two people left in my family and I would not want to go somewhere else. I love our traditions. Talk to your little see what she says.

Unfortuately my little sister won't talk to me. Apparently this was her idea and my "best sister" just went along with it.....

In my chapter, I'm pretty sure you could adopt someone else's little only when the big sis disaffiliated...it didn't happen often at all. That sucks. :(

Re: Ok to adopt a little sister?
 

Ok...You most probably will not like my response...

You are graduated. You have not an active collegiate member anymore...you are an alumna member. You can still have a relationship with your Little but remember the nature of the relationship's daily activities will change. You are an alumna now. If you little is still an active collegiate chapter member, her focus is chapter based. Your focus should be outward looking toward your alumna chapter.

Thank about it that way.

Re: Re: Ok to adopt a little sister?
 

I totally agree.

I'd stop thinking about "she's the only one who can carry on my family tree" and focus more on "if I can't be there for her, at least I know she's got someone looking out for her."

I agree with sages.

Remember you are "big" and "little", most importantly, you are sisters with the entire sorority.

Remember life goes on in the Chapter after someone leaves for whatever reason.

I think the more you make a big deal of it, the more feelings that are going to be hurt.

Re: Re: Re: Ok to adopt a little sister?
 

I don't think in my mind that one has to adopt someone to "look out for them". She said that she would do that anyway when I graduated. Just to clarify, I'm totally focused on being an alumna and being involved that way, but I still care about what goes on in my chapter because I still have friends there and I care how my chapter is doing....... call me biased.

Unfortunately I think that my feelings are the only ones that are hurt...... they seem to be just fine. I just feel like I was stabbed in the back b/c in my chapter, the "outgoing" big sister is informed of the situation....... and I was totally blindsided b/c they did it behind my back.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Ok to adopt a little sister?
 

If you really care about your little and those left in your collegiate chapter, I'd honestly let it go instead of causing more hurt for yourself and to those involved.

And don't assume that you're the only one being totally affected by this.

This whole situation just seems so "high school". Seriously, be the better person and let it go and MOVE ON.

...and people wonder why we don't allow big & little sisters anymore!


Seriously, if this is the biggest problem in your life, you're already doing quite well. I think you've been given very good advice by sageofages and the rest.

Just like with a regular adoption, it doesn't change who you are in the relationship, it ADDS to it! I had three little sisters (when we still had them); one was depledged, and the other two transferred schools. Another "family" chose to adopt me, for which I was very greatful while I was in school. I am no more or no less close to either group of sisters - which is how it is supposed to be.

I used to think the way my APO chapter did bigs and littles was so similar to how everyone else did it....

We would NEVER adopt another big! Even if your own big "phantomed" (went inactive) you were still a member of your tree and your littles would still be part of the tree.

I love my tree....we are descended from Bill Clinton's pledge class mate, Ambassador Christopher Ashby.

I am not judging anyone else's traditions.....just assumed up until now that trees and lineage were locked in stone as they are for us.

And for the record, to the original poster, I definitely feel your pain and your situation sucks. If my little affiliated with another tree, I would be pretty darn hurt.

That's really cool ...

For OPhiA, every chapter is different. Nu Chapter has families, but they aren't very strict. My own lineage is so messed up ... the family I am in now was just recently restarted, so I'm one of the "re-founders". My big sis is in my old family, and she had an adopted big sis from yet another family ...

Well technically they aren't "big" and "little" sisters... but "diamond" sisters instead.

Even though it has a different name, i would imagine most if not all the chapters out there use it as the same thing.

Personally, my relationship with my "big diamond" wasn't really what I hoped it would be. It wasn't her fault and it wasn't mine, but sometimes people just don't have a lot in common. I still called her my diamond and stayed in the same family. I called one of my best sorority friends my "cubic zirconia" (not a *real* diamond.. haha!)

little sister
 

no

It's one thing to be close with someone else and have them be your "unofficial" big when your big is gone. It's quite another to, in effect, "divorce" your big and completely remove yourself from that family line.

It would be OK if you had terminated your membership. It would maybe even be OK if you transferred or something and couldn't be involved anymore. But your little gets another big because you've GRADUATED??? That's kinda like me saying "well, my mom's dead, so I'm going to start calling our next door neighbor mom and when people ask me who my mom is I'll point to her." Graduation is a natural part of life and it shouldn't be an excuse for people to change bigs.

The fact that your chapter is allowing this to occur is absolutely inexcusable. And it has nothing to do with "moving on" as an alumna - unless this chapter wants the alums to move so far on that it doesn't see anything wrong with alienating them.

Re: Re: Ok to adopt a little sister?
 

What does her little's "focus being chapter based" have to do with the big-little relationship? My district director had her big and little come to convention to see her get installed on council. Does this mean she isn't "outward looking" because her big and little are still important in her life?

That sucks diseased mule butt hair for you :(

I went through a similiar situation where basically I was adopted with another brother so we could get littles and now there is one big family tree. Is that what is happening? Or are they just getting rid of yours? If you, you have a right to pissed.

I'm sorry you're hurt, but as another person mentioned, it is time to move on to bigger and better things. It is possible your little felt lonely without the presence of a big sis. This isn't your fault, and by "replacing" you in position, I'd be miffed, too.

But you have friends who love you and a big, bad world out there waiting to be conquered. This is a good time to wean yourself out of collegiate Greek life and throw yourself into the next phase of your life.

Good luck!!!

I thought the same thing!

In my chapter, it wasn't uncommon for someone to unofficially "adopt" a second big or little. But the official family trees don't change just because someone graduated or went inactive.

My Chapter had adopted big's and lil's all the time....when someone graduated or suspended, etc....it was not a big deal at all because our REAL family tree was still intact and was the tree that was passed to any new little sisters. We looked at adopted big/lil's as an additional support system for that sister....no hard feelings and a lot of times if the lil wanted to adopt when the big graduated, the big was a part of the process....one large happy family!!

My adopted little sister is actually my SAI chapter sister....we have twice the sisterhood!! Heeheehee!!!!

This is a really crappy situation for you. I was never real "big" on the whole big/lil program. Some people take it WAY to seriously. My chapter takes it too seriously in my opinion. Everyone and their mother adopts each other. They get pissed at their big and just get a new one. It's hard to keep track of everyone's family tree because it changes every day. I understand why you are upset and I would feel the same way. I think you are being stabbed in the back but it sounds like there is nothing you can do about it.

Re: Ok to adopt a little sister?
 

I can totqally understand why you are feeling this way. When I had to leave school for medical reasons, most of my family found new "big sisters", and I was forgotten about.

Remember, big and lil sisters are not the only thing in Delta Zeta. That is what keeps me going. I LOVE what we stand for, and use pieces of it EVERY DAY of my life.

If you want PM me, and we can talk. I hope things are getting better for you! :)

I've been in your shoes. But, I look at it this way. After some issues, I was unofficially adopted by a good friend/older member. So, since my chapter is into family trees, mine was just a bit bigger than most. I claim both Bigs as mine and both their lineages. One of my pledge sisters and also in my original line had something similar happen and she was also adopted but by her original Big's Big sister. When I got a Lil, I made a beautiful family tree and tried to include all of these intertwinned lines. It shows how we are all connected and had room for changes and additions to be made. When I transfered from my initiating school, my adoptive Big and family looked after my Lil and she was also formally adopted by a chapter member who had never had a sister. So, rather than muddying the waters, all these adoptions just make our family tree more interesting and larger--what's better than more "aunts", "twins", "cousins", etc?

Wow, I think that is actually horrible. When somebody graduates you don't just get a new big. That is the point of having a family tree, and becoming a big yourself. I would be exremely hurt if my little did that to me. Tell her that part of being in a sorority is growing, and that also means growing into a new position...not the baby anymore. How old is she? If she is only a sophomore, maybe I see why she would want a big still. But if she is a junior, then it is time for her to grow up and take care of her own little.

What exactly does it mean to 'adopt' your little? I mean, you have already done all the ritual stuff, guided her through her pledge period, etc. If a new girl calls herself her 'big', how is that different from any other member hanging out with her?

Seriously, I think you need to look at them all as sisters, and not worry so much about the families. This is why every national group is trying to get away from bigs/little.

I assume you are a recent grad. Two or three years from now, you are going to be SHOCKED by which of your sisters you are still in touch with.

What national organizations are you talking about? Big/lils are a great way to get closer to people in your sorority. It would not be the same experience at all without them. I would be sad to one day hear that my sorority no longer had big and lil sis's.

I agree. No matter how much we try to turn our sisterhoods into businesses, thank God there are still people out there who want to have "sisters" instead of "members."

I know that there have been sororities who got rid of big/little and brought it back. The sororities who "don't have" big/little...welll, they have something that seems a heck of a lot LIKE big/little.

To say that these relationships aren't important is kind of like saying "well, why don't you just pick a sorority based on which philanthropy is your favorite and not worry about the people in it."

And for everyone saying "oh, it isn't so bad, etc" - there's a difference between an informal adoption, where you just kind of hang out with someone's family, and a formal adoption, where you essentially disown your previous big. Some people seem to be not getting that.

I was adopted, and it was no big deal. I was lucky and had 3 best friends from my chapter. My big who transferred schools my sophomore year. One of her pledge sister's who ended up adopting me, and my Little. Everyone knew that my original Big was still my Big, she just couldn't be there on a daily basis. When I got my little sister she knew I had 2 bigs, the one who adopted me, and was there all the time, and my original one who she met at initiation and who visited for other larger events.

I guess from my chapter's perspective the original family tree didn't go away we just added to it, as someone else said, with aunts, twins, cousins...

Please try not to get your feelings hurt, I'm sure it is nothing against you, rather your Little just needs a support system that is there on a daily basis - which you can't do anymore. It's not saying anything bad about you, it's just a fact of life.

I agree. I'd ticked too if something like that happened to me. The only way adoption was allowed to occur in my chapter was if the big disaffiliated. Graduation did not count. It's completely offensive to disown your big just because they graduated.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's anything you can do about it.

I agree, 33girl, that people are losing the meaning of formal adoption. Formal adoption is when the little essentially disowns their big. This new girl becomes their new big sister. They change their family number and any of their littles switch family numbers. The old big is basically pushed out of the picture. That's why my chapter has a rule that formal adoption can occur only when the big disaffiliates. I formally adopted one of my littles but only after her big disaffiliated. My little had a new family number and I had to get her a new jersey with that number. The littles that she had became my grandlittles and their family numbers switched to mine. It is a big deal because those girls do become a part of your "your family". There's no pseudo-bigs and littles. This is now your real big sister. I think telling someone to get over it is easier said than done.

We don't even have adoptions in our chapter! If a potential big knows that she will not be in the chapter for 2 semesters then she is not allowed to take a little.

I adopted a new big sis myself. My real big was a senior and was barely around for her last year of school. My adopted big was not only my best friend in the sorority but also my roommate this past year. My chapter doesn't make such a big deal about families. One might have a family tree on a webpage, but that's about it. No colors, numbers, patterns, mascots, jerseys, etc.

So it really wasn't a big deal for me.

I don't know if the OPs situation is more like this, or more like the formal, end of the family jersey, type of situation. Either way, I guess I agree with the sentiment that you should be glad someone's there to take care of your little.

I only skimmed through a few of the posts. I was an a founding father my senior year in college, and therefore have never had a little or big brother. I am now at a different school for a two year graduate program and planning on adopting another founding father from this school who is a freshman. Well, not so much as planning but it already unofficially happened. I hate to be crashing the thread, but anyone have any input?

To the original poster, regardless from what happens it is out of your hands. You have to adapt to your surroundings, and get through these emotions. I can only offer my condolences that certain sisters from your chapter are ignoring you. Just be the bigger person, and keep showing them your love.