What's the deal??
 

Ok, I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now. There has been a discussion between us lately about taking the next step. He keeps telling me that "as soon as _____, as soon as_____" It's starting to drive me nuts!

What's the deal? I am thinking that he is afraid to take the next step (marriage, of course) into our relationship. I am in no hurry, but I atleast need to know if he has been thinking about it as much as I have. I have tried to talk to him about it more, but he seems to change the subject on me. I really do love him and want this to work!

Also, I just got a new job and he seems to be very jealous. Around my family he is always saying, " I am so happy for her and her new job." But when we talk about it, he is like, "it's an awful lot of travel and being away from home; it's not fair that you are going to make more money than me."

What gives?? Anyone been in this situation before??

oh man. you are one of those chicks who put pressure on her man to get married? And you are only 23/24? Shiet...I feel sorry for your boyfriend. If I were him I'd get rid of you right now, or cheat on you.


While you are at it, just cheat on him while you are in Tampa. Just don't get shot in St. P. I hear Seminole is where the gangstas roam too. So watch out.

Quit pressuring him woman. Enjoy your youth and money.

As long as you don't talk to anyone named Bobby the Don, you should be fine. ;)

Bobby,

I am not pressuring him. It's manly been his relatives and our friends that have been asking him when he is going to "pop the question"

Anyways, Thanks for the tip....errr...I think??

Honestly...if he's waffling like that, you have two choices--you can either stick around and wait for him to get "ready," or you can move on. If it's been a while and he still isn't sure about you, I'd go for the second option.

I hate to sound trite and cliche, but when it happens it happens. I was thinking I was ready for 3 years, but I really wasn't. As a matter of fact, we stopped dating for a while and had some time to both really reflect on what we wanted...ok, so we didnt' stop seeing each other, but we were not a couple and we didn't live together, we really didn't see each other much,but I digress. We finally decided to give it a "real" go after some time...and pow, within 4 months we're engaged.

I thought I was ready, but I wasn't, now I know he's who I truly want to be with.

Maybe your guy just isn't ready, and his family pressuring him isn't going to help. Besides, you're young, what's the rush? If he's the guy for you, you've got the rest of your lives together anyhow. :)

Ok, I don't normally go around quoting Woody Allen, mainly because he gives me the willies. But if there was ever a time for me to whip out the Woody (oops), it's now...

"A relationship, I think, is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we've got on our hands.is a dead shark."

Sweetie, take it from one of the GreekChat elders. If it were going to happen, it would have happened by now. You seem to have a great life with your career starting up and all, so just enjoy that.

A few comments:

1. The two year rule: If a ring isn't on your finger after two years of dating, you need to move on and say, NEXT!

2. Any man who is upset that his girlfriend/wife is making more money than him is insecure. Move on and say, NEXT!

3. Sounds old fashioned-- but it's good advice. Never move in with a man without being married. Statistics have found that couples who live together have less chance of ever getting married, and those who do, fail to stay married at a greater proportion than those who have never lived together before marriage.

How is that good advice? I know plenty of people that have dated for a lot longer than two years before getting engaged. Actually, it's been like that for most people I know.

I'll agree with number two. But that's it.

Seriously, not everybody is all crazy about getting married. Really, it's true, although you wouldn't know it from reading GC. Two years? What if you started dating at 19? You'd have to be smoking crack to think getting engaged or married at 21 is a good idea for 95% of the people in this country. Seriously. Just as all people are different, all relationships are different and what works for someone won't necessarily work for someone else. If you want to be engaged after two years good for you, but I don't put a time restriction on my relationships.

As to number three, again, who cares? I don't care if I'm living with someone and we don't get married. Being married is not the holy grail of life for everyone. Really, it isn't.

My fiancee and I were dating for over two years and had lived together for a year before I proposed. I guess our marriage is doomed.

ETA: For us, living together first has worked out great, I would honestly recommend it to anyone. It's a good way to see someone's quirks on a day-to-day basis before you marry him/her. It may not be the "old-fashioned" way to do things, but it's certainly worked out well for us.

Worst. Advice. Ever. Really. I guess that's if the How To Make Him Propose in Three Dates advice doesn't work. :rolleyes:

I would not live with a man before I was married, but that's just my personal preference, and it certainly has worked fine for a lot of people.

And Tracy, yes, Woody is squicky, but there are times when he says things and has dialogue that just hits the nail on the head. (I guess I shouldn't say Woody and nail in the same sentence.)

Well, since my boyfriend and I started dating when we were 19, that probably wouldn't have worked if we got married at 21.

I would never live with my boyfriend before marriage either, I think it ruins everything....I have only see relationships fall apart this way (only speaking from a family persepective).

Thank you for the advice everyone. I am in the process of taking it all in and doing some serious thinking about my future.

I think that studies about couples co-habitating before marriage also don't draw a distinction between the couples who are 19 and like, Oooh! Less rent! More sex! Let's move in! And the 24 year old couple who sits down and figures out, OK, are we going to split everything down the middle, or proportionately according to income? Whose stuff goes where? etc.

Because I think really your approach to living together should be the same as your approach to marriage -- figure the important stuff out BEFORE you've done something that either can't be undone or is very messy to undo. If you haven't done that, your relationship is going to take the strain, regardless of if you're married or cohabitating.

Also, there's the correlation does not imply causation issue. It could be that couples who are more likely to live together before marriage are less traditional or less religious and less likely to stay in unhappy marriages under any circumstances -- not that the fact that they lived together causes them to get divorced later.

Exactly. And I swore up and down I never live with anyone before we were married, and I swore we wouldn't buy a house before we were married, and we've done both. It made more sense for us financially, and it was a decision that we made together after looking at all of the possibilities and weighing the pros and cons. If you're really committed to making your relationship successful, if you really love the other person, chances are it will work out no matter what the statistics say. Nothing in life is guaranteed, and just because you wait to live together until after you're married doesn't necessarily mean you're going to be happier or better off or stay married longer than people who have lived together. In our case, as far as we're concerned, marriage is only going to legalize the commitment we've already made to each other. We already live as husband and wife, and we already regard one another as such; we live each day as though we've already made our marriage vows. We know how we feel; our wedding ceremony will show everyone else, in case they were wondering.

I've known people who were married for 20 years, who didn't live together before they were married, and who decided after 20 years that they couldn't stand to spend one more minute married to one another. Things can change; you prevent that by staying committed and making sure you do your part on a daily basis. Nothing in life is guaranteed, and while statistics may be a predictor, they are not necessarily a precise indicator. There is an exception to every rule.

By the way, that two-year rule is a crock of you-know-what. That's the worst advice ever. I have a friend who is 31 and smart and funny and probably won't ever get married, simply because she subscribes to that getting him to propose in 3 dates crap and scares off every guy she meets. I went on a double-date with her and a guy on their first date once, and she literally turned to him and started a sentence with, "When we get married..." We were on a boat, and the poor guy looked like he was trying to figure out the likelihood of drowning if he jumped off and tried to swim to shore.

But now this thread is way off topic.

Oh, yeah, dump your boyfriend. He sounds like a pain in the ass.

EXACTLY.

I'm double-posting, but just because I wanted to say that I LOVE VALKYRIE and wish I could be this concise!!!!!

Does my mom pay you to be so nice to me?! :D

Seriously, thanks! :)

Yes, she does. Not much, though. It's like $5 a week.

I dunno folks...
 

UlChiOCutie26--

I think you are young, vibrant and have a lot going for yourself. Any man that is incapable of appreciating all that you are, just as you are, when you are there, does not deserve your presence.

From the immortal words of Run D.M.C.

"But, when's the last time that LOVE bought you clothes? It's like that and that's the way it is..."

Love only goes so far realistically in any kind of relationship, most especially a maritial one...

Why? Because once you are married, you have a LEGAL BINDING DOCUMENT the states that you are OBLIGATED to that person for as long as your are married--which includes MONEY and PROPERTY...

Yeah, for those of you not married, sure, you can sign a mortgage together and that may be binding, but what happens if you were to break up? Especially if you both have a "vested interest" in the home...

With a marriage license, in a community property state, spouses get half straight up without arguement from the courts...

Without a license, you don't get jack without a court hearing...

And it ain't got nothing to do with LOVE professed in front of others...

I agree with Bobby... Kick your boy to the curb and be wild and loose till your 30 something, then settle down...

ETA: Where's James when you need him?

The purpose of dating is to find a mate to marry. The poster seems distressed because her boyfriend does not seem to be coming forth in that sense.

If your purpose in dating is only to have a sex buddy, then that is your decision. However, I think the poster has more in mind for herself than that. If her boyfriend hasn't made up his mind in three years, that is a major red flag.

Three years is a big chunk out of your life. It is time to move on. It's like trying on shoes-- some shoes may look good, but they hurt. You need to try on a lot of shoes to find the perfect pair that fit, won't give you bunions and that look great! But how can you find that perfect pair of shoes, when you insist on sticking with the same pair of shoes that are ruining your feet? Time to go back to the store and go shopping!

A man who is truly in love with a woman would do anything to keep her. That includes asking her to marry him. A good book to read is "He's Just Not that in to You."

What REALLY worries me is that he is not happy for her in her career. A marriage partner is one who SUPPORTS his/her spouse. This poster's boyfriend does not seem to be a good candidate for marriage. I certainly would not want to be in a relationship in which my partner did not support me in my hobbies/interests/jobs. Remember, marriage is "for richer, for poorer." He should be THRILLED that you found a great job!

As for the co-habitation before marriage-- I am just repeating the statistics which were done in a survey. Don't kill the messenger.

Although, I personally DO agree with it. You know the old saying, why marry the cow if you get the milk for free? But if anyone reading this feels that living with someone outside of marriage is OK for you, who am I to judge? Just be aware of the statistics. You may beat them.. but then again.... you may not. Just be sure to go in with your eyes wide open.

(edited for typo)

The purpose according to whom? You, but not necessarily everyone. You can't really say that what's true for you is true for everyone in the world. Some people date for FUN!

I can't say I've ever known anyone who has married a cow.

I heard sugar and spice was dating one.

Was it an emo cow?

Yes.

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Yeah, good luck with that.

Oh man you are awesome.

I'm waiting for someone to bring in that quote about how the good girls are like the apples way up high in the trees and the sluts are the dirty, decaying apples lying on the ground. That would make this thread even better than it already is.

holy fucking crap

holy fucking crap

nice analogy - shoe shopping and matters of the heart go hand in hand, like lamb and tuna fish :cool: :D :D :cool: :D

What REALLY worries me is that people need to read this book to understand the lessons. Shit guys, take a body language course, or live life and garner some experience with humans.

The 'statistics' are really poor science, and to make conclusions based upon them is really pretty poor as well.

Hey, a stitch in time saves nine, so even if you really enjoy stitching you'd better take the short way. Oh, and one in the hand is worth two in the bush, so who the hell even knows what that means. The cliche is tired and not even necessarily pertinent to the point you're making.

How's this for weak evidentiary support? I know many, many nice, attractive, well-off, intelligent men who would never dream of marrying anyone until they've lived together. Why get the milk when the cow is a huge bitch over bills, or is irresponsible in a living situation, or smells like ass?

Girls are like apples on trees; the best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don`t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt, so instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren`t as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing. They just have towait for the right boy to come along, the one who`s brave enough to climb allthe way to the top of the tree.

Apparently, you didn't ready my post very carefully. I said that if your purpose of living with someone outside of marriage is for sex, then it is your decision. I'm not making judgements, just bringing up facts as they relate to the poster. She wants to marry this man.

Here are some facts from various studies:

*The risk of divorce after living together is 40 to 85% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together. In other words, those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together.
_ _ _ (Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Hall & Zhao 1995; Bracher, Santow, Morgan &
_ _ _ Russell 1993; DeMaris & Rao 1992 and Glen 1990).

*10% to 30% of cohabitors intend to never marry (Bumpass & Sweet 1990).

*Those who cohabit more than once prior to marriage have much higher rates of later divorce - 26% for women and 19% for men
(Brown & Booth 1996;McManus 1993; Stets 1993; Thompson & Colella 1992).

OH MY GOD NO NO NO ANYTHING BUT THAT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

Uh, those facts from studies are a little bit old. I don't remember that much from the debate class I took, but I do remember that our professor told us not to use any cites before 2000...and I took that class in 2002.

Bumpass and Sweet?

It is a shame that this topic can't be discussed rationally. If anyone would like to disagree with the point of view I have presented, please provide statistics to back up your arguments as I have done.

I do ask that you please refrain from cursing. I have not been disrespectful to any of the posters here, and I ask that those replying to my posts, please give me that same courtesy.

Thank you.

I'm not being judgmental, but if that's all you want out of a relationship perhaps you should go to another message board, you easy apple.

And you think it is okay to call us out of our names? Please do not call us bitches!

Have a nice day.

Is there a reason to supply statistics to make a point that isn't even relevant to the original question asked in this thread?

Fine, I'll go be overripe and rot on Lindsey Lohan's board. At least maybe Wilmer will drop by and give me a squeeze or two. :p

I'm not quite sure I'm understanding your reasoning here. You want me to go to a different board simply because you disagree with my opinion? Why is that?

Do I somehow threaten you here because you cannot provide statistics to refute mine? Do you always try to "make people go away" with whom you do not agree with? Must everyone agree with you?

I'm curious.

she's addressing me, and IT IS A JOKE.