Pregnant Prospective Members?
 

If you were, or currently are, an undergrad woould you extend membership to a pregnant woman or a woman who had very young child(ren).

No.

As a pregnant woman myself, I know that had I not been already married and an alum, I would have never been able to meet all of the demands sorority life places upon its members. I believe for the most part, it would be too taxing on most women for them to be in school, trying to take care of themselves and the baby, AND making sure to make it to the homecoming events, etc.

As far as a woman with very small kids? I'm iffy on this one. I personally believe that a woman's first responsibility belongs to her family/children, etc. I think it would be a disservice to her children if a sorority began to take priority over them. I'm sure there are women that could do it, but my personal opinion is no.

I think with an NPC group it would probably be difficult to have an undergraduate member with children, especially if there is a live-in requirement.

ADPi does not place any restrictions on it. We would take people who are married, have children, etc we are open to all. Im speaking for my chapter of Beta Tau. A very close friend of mine who was in my pledge class had a child. She was a senior in high school and enrolled in college in the program where you take college classes but are still in HS. She went through recruitment and we gave her a bid. She was also valadictorian of her class after she joined ADPi. Her bf and her had a baby when they were 16. They are now married and I believe now have another child as well. She was an awesome sister. True she couldnt be there for everything, but she did the best she could. She came a lot more than some members who just slack and never come to anything but arent busy. She is also a wonderful mother. Her family and his family were amazing and would look after her while they were in school or while they had other things going on. She never left the baby or neglected the baby, but she was able to still have friends and join a sorority. Her husband joined a fraternity as well. I think she graduated top of her college nursing class as well. We were very understanding of her situation and never made her come to thing if she didnt have the time. We knew family came first and we wanted her to still have us and a family. I think she did an amazing job of doing both.

So yes we would take someone who had a child. To be honest, she was the only one I knew of while I was active that we took, but all the same, we dont pass judgement on that.

I agree it would seem they have no time with school or work and taking care of a baby, but she had an amazing family who wanted to help and let her get out and still be active while taking care of her baby. I always have looked up to her. She is a great person and Im so glad to call her one of my sisters and one of the girls I came in with and was initiated with. :)

If they were pregnant while trying to pledge, I would say no. Her first focus should be on taking care of herself and her baby. Being pregnant is hard enough without having to add on additional stress from school , work, and pledging. Now, if she already had the baby and came out to try to pledge again, then thats different and I would not care. Many of our members have kids, are married, etc. and they are wonderful members.

I have a 2yr old child and am an active member of my sorority.

Granted my brother does live with me and he takes care of Mary-Kathryn when I have to go to meetings or have overnight bonding with my sisters.

It is hard, but my sisters knew before I became a pledge that I did have a child and that if my sorority started to cut into time with my child then I would choose to go on inactive status, which thank God I never had to do. The girls are very understanding about my situation and have engouraged me to take her to rush events, fundraising, and even community service events (like relay for life) that are not too overwhelming.

It can be done and my sorority would never turn a girl away from plegding just because she has a child.

Mommag

If I thought she would make a good sister and mesh well with the house, and she thought she could handle it (and I'm assuming that since this hypothetical woman is either going through FR or COR and thus has an inkling of what she's getting herself into) then yes, absolutely.

I would, however, think twice before nominating her for a leadership position. Having a child is a heavy responsibility, and I would hate to feel like I was taking time away from her child by asking her to take on an extra burden.

If the perspective was pregnant... i'd say no. she would have enough stress with trying to go to class and keep her health in check.

i wouldn't nix a mother from pledging only because i would hate to be judgemental and not ever let her have a chance. but i've seen mothers get initiated and then drop in the past because they're priorities change.

A woman who is pregnant or has children has greater priorities to focus on, and I don't think the collegiate sorority experience would be an appropriate activity.

I am aware of at least one case where a member had a young child. It was a little distracting when she came to the Executive Council meeting, but the woman was amazing and a very active member. When you have a child, your priorities DO change, but your life doesn't stop either. In this situation, the woman was at a commuter school and lived at home with her parents who babysat a lot. There are some schools where we have to be more open minded in taking older students, non-traditional students, etc or we wouldn't have sororities.

I think any woman should be evaluated on her own situation... it's too hard to generalize here.

Dee

I'm not sure about pregnant - If she wanted to join and understood the commitment, then we wouldn't discriminate against her - we just want to make she she understands all obligations.

we did have one woman with a young child (less than a year)attend many of our informal recruitment events. We were going to bid her, but after talking with some members more, she decided it would be too much for her at the moment (I think her husband wasn't approving either).

We had a woman who pledged in the Spring of 2002 who was married and pregnant. She was a wonderful sister, and she still comes out to support the chapter and the sisters just adore her little girl. As far as the living situation goes, we don't have houses so that wasn't a problem. She was fully aware of her obligations to her growing family, schoolwork, and sorority and had no problems with any of it...she had a healthy baby and graduated on time. I think if a pregnant woman (or one with a child) understands the obsticles that she would face because of her prior committments and is willing to devote a portion of her time to the sorority, then there's no reason she should be excluded. But it also depends on the structure of the specific organization at the school she attends as well. My school seems to be laid back in some regards to other schools and that has an affect on the amount of time required. I know that we have a rule that states a sister who becomes pregnant can take alumna status, but it's not required for her to do so. Extending a bid to a PNM who is pregnant or a mother just seems to be a different spin on that decision.

Ditto, ditto, and ditto. Did I say ditto? ;)

I'm kinda torn on the subject. I know a woman who went through intake who was married with 3 small children. And she came through an undergraduate chapter. How she did it...I dunno.

A part of me agrees that she should be focusing on her family but then its like saying a woman can't balance. :confused: Or that she doesn't have her priorities in order. I dunno...

I think it can depend on the situation. I had a pledge sister who had a young child who was cared for by her mother while she was in school. She spoke of him often and seemed very involved with him and was very involved in the sorority as well. Also had a sister get pregnant while in school (she was not married) who went alum before the baby was born.

I would imagine it hard to focus on sorority life with a young child or an upcoming birth but some people seem to do it just fine.

I would have to agree it depends on the situation. If the woman has a strong support group (like a husband, family, friends) who will help take care of the child when she has to go to say, chapter meetings/madndatory events, where maybe bringing a child isn't appropriate/possibly then she can balance it all.
Some events she might even be able to bring her child along...maybe a philanthropy event.

If she's all alone trying to raise a child, balance school, balance sorority, then she's definitly going to find it difficult and maybe being a member of a sorority is not the best decsion for her.

I would think if it's still something she wanted to do then when the child is older she should persue AI or a grad chapter in the case of the NPHC.

The semester I pledged a girl in my pledge class was pregnant with her second child! She was a surrogate mother for another couple in our area that couldn't have children. Unfortunately she lost the child in the middle of her pregnancy and I'm glad that we were all there for her in her time of need.

Because of what we went through w/ her while she was pregnant I would say that it wouldn't be smart to extend a bid to a pregnant woman because of all the special considerations that had to be made. But because of the same reason I think it made my pledge class so much closer that I wouldn't trade the experience for the world!

A woman with kids has no business being active in a collegiate chapter. She needs to be focused on raising her kids and getting through school. I would really question the maturity of a young mom or mom-to-be who joins. Even if she's married. No matter which way you splice it, sororities are a large time committment, and there's a certain stereotype and tongues are going to wag about "the chapter with the pregnant girl." I can't believe there would be a single person on here who isn't concerned with the rumor mill. She'd be much better off getting involved with the campus activities board, an honor society or an organization that has less of a time committment. Her kids will be better off in the long run.

Fortunately "the rumor mill" does not run everyone's life or campus. I'm sorry that it seems to run yours.

If we want to have chapters at commuter schools and have non-traditional students join our orgs - which we do, since that group continues to increase - people need to open their tiny, narrow, closed minds.

i agree. noone cares about the rumors here. i know there are rumors about everything.

on my campus we have 2000 live on campus and 20k to 25k who go to school here so it is a LARGE commuter school. we have to open to allowing people of diff situations in or we will never be sucessful on our campus. granted we only had one girl who had a child while i was in my sorority but she was a wonderful mother and a great sorority sister. she even took a very small office and was involved. im sure she wasnt as involved as she would have liked and she missed out on things, but she got to be a great mom and still maintain a social life and be a great sorority sister too. i am very proud she is my sorority sister and we came in together......

If a sorority here had a pregnant pledge or active, it would be the talk of the campus. I knew a couple of people who got pregnant when they were in college, but they dropped out of their sororities when they found out.

I agree!

Butler is a fairly small university and one of the chapters on campus did have two pregnant members this past year. It was widely discussed at first, but after a few weeks no one really cared. The girls in question didn't wear letters but I know one girl is extremely active in her chapter after having the baby and has gone back to wearing letters.

I'm not sure if this reaction is because we're a Midwestern university that isn't like most of the other greek systems on the board. We have six chapters with a 7th colonizing. Five out of six chapters regularly make quota during recruitment and the sixth chapter comes close through COR. The girls in question were upperclassmen so that could have possibly affected the situation.

Personally, I'm a little torn on the issue myself. I think that if a mother or mom-to-be is pregnant and does not have the support of a husband, boyfriend, or close family/friends, it would be too hard to raise a child and pledge a chapter. On the other hand, my freshman year, one of our seniors was a 28 year old married mom with 2 kids and was very active in the chapter. How she did it, I don't really know. One of my sisters got married my sophomore year, as an active, and had a baby the end of my junior year. She remained fairly active with the chapter, though not as much as before she got married. The baby was her first priority and we all knew to accept that. She did not want to take alumna status until her class graduated.

Maybe I'm just old, but I'm amazed that there aren't more negative responses to this. It's unimaginable for many reasons. First, I can't imagine a mom wanting to go through recruitment and take on the burdens of Greek life when she has a child to care for. It's completely unrealistic to have a child as a teenager, then expect your life to go on as normal. And are you really setting a good example for your child by leaving her with a babysitter while you go to a social? Despite what the magazines said in the '80s, you can't have it all - especially if you want to make good grades so you can get a good job to support your child. Second, I can't imagine my collegiate chapter giving her a bid or even letting her come back after the first round. I agree with those posters who expressed concern for the group's reputation - do you really want to be known as the sorority with day care? We looked for PNMs who would be willing to give us a lot of their time - not possible for young mothers (at least if they are doing a good job of mothering). As far as married members, I always thought that there was a national rule against active members (as opposed to alumnae) being married. I'm sure there will be lots of replies to this, but I feel very strongly that a woman should choose motherhood or Greek life - but she can't have both.

While it would be difficult to juggle the time, I think it's perfectly okay for a mother to pursue membership in a Greek organization, as long as she understands the chapter's specific requirements of participation.

Yes, the primary focus of any mother should be raising her child. However, becoming a parent doesn't eliminate one's personal need for growth, development, and connection with others. Didn't any of you have parents who belonged to social/service organizations as you grew up? What's the difference between an organization in college and the commitment that many require in post-collegiate organizations? My grandfather was a Mason. The work they do for the community is phenominal. If anything, his connection and devotion to his membership was an educational tool for his kids- and grandkids-- about what loyalty, sacrifice, and commitment means.

As for setting a "bad example" by leaving a child with a sitter to attend a social event-- didn't any of you guys have sitters when your parents had a function to attend? I know I did. It wasn't bad parenting-- it was parents knowing appropriate times to take a child to an event. *shrug*

~ Mel.

I guess this would be something to think about with a married woman as well...but, would she be exempted from having to live on the hall or in the house?

I'm guessing that as a rule, the chapters that take married women are going to be in less traditional systems that don't have huge houses to fill.

Quite possibly-- our chapter didn't have a house (to my knowledge, there are still no official houses for any GLO affiliated with Boston University).

Having a house (and any live-in requirements) can change things dramatically, I imagine.

~ Mel.

I'm always surprised when people think your life is over when you have children. There is this child phenomena that goes around saying that you have to give up everything you want to do in your life to raise good children. Personally, I think that's a bunch of bull. My children will get everything they need to be good people, but I'm not giving up my personal social and career goals so I can be someone's idea of the "perfect mother", only to end up with no friends, no hobbies, and a sinking career when they go off to college. It happened to my Mom, and it won't happen to me!

You all are way too stiff. Not an appropriate activity?? Who are you, royality from the 18th century? I don't think that's you decision, but the decision of the girl who wants to pursue membership.

My boyfriend has a three yer old girl and is a VERY active member of his fraternity, AND he lives in the house. If you didn't read the Article he wrote, you can read it here http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=49380&highlight=Stanfor d .

His daughter does not sleep there (except on the occasional Friday night), but she is there all the time, as he takes care of her every other day when she is not at preschool. She likes being in the house, and knows the names of all the boys in the fraternity. He's a good father, a good member, a good student and a good boyfriend and it works out for everyone. Granted, he doesn't sleep as much as he would sometime want to, but he's doing things he wants to do in his life.

I find it kind of odd that so many who have posted here seem to think that it's appropriate to tell women with children how to behave and where their priorities should be. It's not your job to tell a woman how to run her life, period. If she wants to pursue membership in a sorority that's her right, and if you don't want her in your group that's your right -- but it's not your right to tell anyone else how to live her life. Maybe y'all should go hang out with Stepford Wife.

When I said it might be a problem in an NPC group I meant that it would be a problem if a woman gets special treatment from the organization -- like if she doesn't have to live in the house when everybody else does. That could lead to resentment, but maybe it wouldn't. From a purely selfish standpoint, I don't like little children and wouldn't want someone bringing them to sorority events or the house, but that's just my preference.

Actually it's a mutual selection process. And if a chapter thinks it is great she has a kid, good for them and good for her, but I don't think you'll find that at the southern colleges.

I take personal offense to that... not because I'm a mom or plan to be any time soon, but because I'm one of the kids who *obviously* had a terrible childhood, never saw her mother and was raised so horribly because my mom was in college, making the dean's list, keeping scholarships, and RUNNING her chapter while i wasted away alone in my crib all the day long.

Clearly, you need to think before you type. I'm sorry if you feel the way you feel, but don't imply that other people can't live and achieve outside of your box.

(longwinded, but... not everybody can be on POINT like MamaNaturale is!)

Personally, I think that a woman who is with child or has a child is perfectly capable of being a contributing member of a sorority, and I don't think it's the sorority's place to tell her what her priorities should be.

Each chapter has to weigh the impact that having such a member will have on their chapter...there are many things to consider, but if a pregnant woman or a mother came through rush who was willing to make the commitment, and understood the responsibilities, AND, I'm being practical here, the environment on the campus is such that it wouldn't damage the chapter to have her as a member, she should be allowed to join, IMHO. (on my campus, it would have been no biggie).

Anyway, if the argument is simply that she doesn't have the time to commit, what's the difference between the mother, and the 18 year old with no child that has to work almost every day and weekend & misses events on that accord, or simply misses events because she's lazy?

This was the original question, and we're answering it, including those of us who are apparently royal Stepford Wives from the 18th century. No one is trying to tell a mother/mom-to-be not to go through recruitment or how to run her life in general - the original poster wanted to know whether we would extend membership, and my answer was no. I agree with greencat that it's not going to go over well at the more traditional schools. I was pretty surprised by the poster who had a 28 year old sister - kids or not, that seems unusual.

Maybe your chapter is different, but as I recall, my chapter had a lot of rules and regulations that could be perceived as telling me how to behave and where their priorities should be. I couldn't drink while wearing letters or in the house, couldn't have my boyfriend over past a certain hour, etc. Sororities have a tendency to shape their members by setting priorities for them (you must make certain grades, study x number of hours, etc.), so if they can tell women without children how to behave and where their priorities should be, why should we exempt mommies?

Yes, many parents (including me) are active in social organizations, but we're not talking about the Masons or Junior League or Rotary, here - we're talking about organizations that demand an overwhelming amount of time, second only to collegiate studies.

I don't think anyone on this thread is making moral judgments - if chapters did that, no one would ever be recruited - but those of us who would not extend membership to a mom/MTB are simply being realistic.

Alexandra? Is that you???

If she held the ideals of my group, yes. Then I would let her have whatever accomodations she needed for pledging. We don't have a live in requirement, so that's not an issue.

I would have a slight problem with an undergraduate completing intake during her pregnancy, but afterwards, if she was able to balance her time properly, and she exemplified all the ideals of my organization, I would have no problem with it. As a matter of fact, I have found that some of my Sorors with kid(s) have been more involved in some of our national programs (for example the Stork's Nest) because they can relate to the women we assist more than a woman without kids....

It does always surprise me just how judgmental some of the people here are. I pledged as a single, childless, second semester freshman who worked two jobs and went to school full time. Yes, that was a piece of cake, because other than having to be present in class and work, things were pretty easy over all.

However, while I was pregnant with my daughter, I was working full time, going to graduate school part in the evenings, volunteering as the Finance Adviser of my initiating chapter (spending at least one night a week there) as well as being a wife, cleaning a house and going to alumna club meetings. If you have a healthy pregnancy, why would being a new member be too taxing? Pregnancy isn't an illness!

I'd venture a guess that 90% (if not more) of parents hire a babysitter to go on a date with their spouse, go to a wedding, bowl in a bowling league, etc. This isn't bad parenting, this is taking of yourself.

Sure, maybe at some very traditional southern schools where only freshmen get bids and most women are legacies, it might be a problem, but at urban commuter schools, it's a different world.

Dee

I posted before on this subject and as I stated earlier, I AM A MOM OF A 2YR OLD little girl. I AM ALSO A PROUD MEMBER OF GAMMA ALPHA OMEGA SORORITY. I along with several other wonderful ladies in my sorority have children. We are not all in the same chapter, but we are spread out across the country and we have all managed to maintain high gpa's, a high level of participation in our respective chapters, have all been to regional conventions (in-state and out of state) without neglecting our sons and daughters. My child is watched by my brother when I have chapter or have to go to any event that my daughter cannot attend. Mary-Katie (my daughter) has attended rush events, socials, fundraisers and community service events. She has been named the Gamma baby by my sorors.

She is loved by my sorors and by 2 very special Omega Delta Phi gentlemen that have watched her on a few occassions(both are in relationships with 2 of my sorors).

My social life DID NOT END when I became a mom.

I DO NOT feel that I have chosen my sorors over my child when I have to be away from her, I stated at the very beginning of my pledge process that my child comes first and my sorority second. Does not make me a bad soror or a bad mom.

GAO has enriched my life so much and they have become such great influences/role models for my daughter. I am lucky to be a part of such a wonderful sorority.

We are not the only sorority on my campus that has members that are or are about to be mommies. KDCHI has a sister that is a wonderful mommie to her son and she will be graduating with me in May. They also have a soror that will make a wonderful mommie to her unborn son, she is not only a soror, but also a member of the Honors program her at my school.

Should she not be in the Honors program, since they take up alot of time as well.

We all have done a great balancing act of sisterhood and motherhood and we have in my opinion done a great job in raising our children to this point.

What? I didn't noticed they'd stopped.

This isn't the 1950s. It isn't my job to tell other people what they can and cannot do with their spare time. I don't see how it's inappropriate for a collegiate woman to seek out social activity, whether or not she has, or is expecting to have, a child.

As for reputation... Personally, I'd be a lot more embarrassed by my chapter if we cut the pregnant girl than if we bid her.